Okay, I'm new at this and I could use some help. I have not lived a long time with an alcholic. To make a long story short, my boyfriend (whom I've known for 20 years) finally left his old life behind, and came to live with me last September. I had suspected that he had a drinking problem, but wasn't sure of it until last year. Because of his job we lived in different cities. He went to rehab last October. I did go through the classes they offered at the hospital and have read many a book, including the Blue Book. We both have degrees in Anthrpology, and he is a professional man. I started attending the local and very few AlAnon group in my area. However, I found that the groups were often made up of people who have had relationships with long time alcoholics. They have lived with it for years. I am not by any means putting them down. But the questions that I have raised have been to put it tactfully, brushed aside. Unfortunately where we live there are not many groups to chose from. I have talked with another woman at work who's mother is an addict, and this young girl is wise beyond her years. But she has said the same thing.
"Tom" and I made the decision together that if had relapsed continually this year that he would go into a half way house. This has been a bumpy road for us. The one thing that I can say, is that he has never been abusive to me in any way. It has been a tough road, but I'm a tough lady, and he's a tough man. We have a great line of communication, and this year it has only improved.
The help I need is this: He is due to come home soon. I'm scared. I know that none of this is my fault, and that he is responsible for his drinking. My question to people out there is this: How do you learn to trust the person you love again? I will never trust his disease, but how do I trust him to make the sober choice? Or is this a fear that we all have to learn to live with? I asked his councelor if I should talk to him about this and he said no. It might trigger him. What's the good of having open communication, if you can't talk to him about it?
Does anybody have any suggestions? He's due to come home for a weekend visit this weekend. I'm a bit apprehensive because I have to work Saturday night from 4-10pm. I need to concentrate on work and not on him. But in the back of my mind, because of the relapse, I'm a bit uptight. I know there's nothing I can do to prevent him from drinking if he really wants to. But why am I so scared? I'd be greatful for any suggestions.
Thanks.
nmike said
Sep 1, 2005
Karilynn,
I think you answered your own questions. If you are nervous about him coming and worried then you probably susupect that he is or has been drinking. I have found that if you have a relationship with an A then you get all that goes with it. Trust may never happen because they give you a lot of reasons not to trust. Detachment through good boundaries helps me. Only you can decide if it is worth it. It really is about the disease and not you.
Hope the answers come to you. Alanon helps whether you have a long term or short term relationship. Someone has been in your shoes before.
In support,
Nancy
nikkilou said
Sep 1, 2005
karilynn,
I know where you are. My A has also gone to rehab and come home for weekend visit. I was very scared the whole week end. Looking back I'm not sure why. If he drank their was nothing I could do about it. It was a waste of my time worrying. (he didn't) Trust will come in time not over night. I've learned to let it go. My A has been sober 7mos now. He today went to the casnio with a friend. Yes I could worry he will pick up their but what can I do about it. It is out of my hands. Not worth my time I'll find out when he comes home and not untill then. Let it go. Trust will come in time.
Please keep coming it works.
Your friend in recovery NIKKILOU
shimo said
Sep 1, 2005
Hi Karilynn,
Welcome and glad you posted here. I do understand your being apprehensive about Tom coming home for a visit. You stated you know that he is responsible for his drinking; he is also responsible for his recovery and his recovery is just that "his" recovery. There is nothing you can do for him other than take good care of yourself and keep the focus on yourself and not on the alcoholism.
"How do I trust him to make the sober choice?" He is an adult and his choices are his own to make. This may sound rather heartless but the reality is we have absolutely no control over another person's choices or another person for that matter.
"Or is this a fear that we all have to learn to live with?" If I live my life in fear..than I am not living my life..I am being pulled through it kicking and screaming! I learned to detach with love from the alcoholic, I learned to have "high hopes but low expectations" as this disease is very insidious, cunning and baffling.
"What's the good of having open communication if you can't talk to him about it?" When an alcoholic comes out of rehab or a halfway house they are still learning to live in the world without the numbing effect the alcohol has had on their emotions. It is my understanding they need to focus on their recovery first and foremost to remain sober. Sometimes that can leave us feeling left out or as lonely as we were when they were drinking. The best way for us to help them is to help ourselves. We help ourselves by learning the Al-Anon principles and tools of recovery for ourselves for we have been effected by another person's drinking - some of us more than others.
"Why am I so scared?" I cannot answer that for you...but for me it was the fact that I never knew what was coming next and that made me fearful. I was well aware that I had no control over his disease or the effects of that on my life. My focus was on the alcoholic and not on myself and all that did was "drive me nuts!" Now after being in Al-Anon for a few years my attitude has changed about alot of things. I have serenity now..something I never had before. As it says in our preamble "we can find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."
I do hope you will give Al-Anon meetings another try. We do have meetings here on line in the chatroom and they are very helpful. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope here and I do think if you give it a really good try, you will find that you feel better. Eventually you will be able to answer all of your questions for yourself.
Love in recovery - Shimo (Jeri)
Annie said
Sep 1, 2005
Karilyn, thank you for your post. My A went to an outpatient program for 30 days, but never attended a meeting. The counsellor said that he would drink again. And, he began about ten years ago although he was sober for about 15 years. During his sobriety, we didn't do much socially, because of the temptation for drinking; thus, we denied ourselves many friendships because most of our acquaintances drank. And, I always worried about him picking up that "first" drink again. My advice to myself now looking back would be to enjoy everything that YOU want to and concentrate on YOU and not the A. Enjoy life and take care of YOU. I have to admit that I lived a very phony life with my A never fully expressing ME just to keep the peace--I denied "me." Since I have been doing my reading and visiting this site, I am finally getting in touch with me again and I love it. My priorities are with my Higher Power and me and not the A--he has fallen from his pedestal--and replaced with what should have been my priority in the first place--me and my relationship to my God. I don't know if this will help, but please take care of YOU. YOU deserve to live life to its fullest. Go for it. Be all that you can be. I hope this helps if just a little. Love and blessings, Annie
UncleLou said
Sep 1, 2005
Karilynn wrote:
But the questions that I have raised have been to put it tactfully, brushed aside. Unfortunately where we live there are not many groups to chose from. I have talked with another woman at work who's mother is an addict, and this young girl is wise beyond her years. But she has said the same thing.
What questions were brushed aside? What was the same thing that was said?
just trying to understand and help
Uncle Lou
debilyn said
Sep 2, 2005
welcome.
I don't trust or distrust. Feels like setting myself up if I have expectations.
Taking things as they come is how i do it. A's lie, they are not there when
ya need them, they are full of guilt, they want to hide their disease. Not saying all do.
It is my experience to watch what I do, how do I react? I have no control over
what they do. So it does not matter what they do.
I know if he cheats, i get a divorce. I know if he is abusive, I will take me
out of the situation. It is all about how am i going to take care of me when
he relapses, becuz he will. It is part of the disease.
The counselor said don't do something becuz it will trigger what??? NOT
his drinking or using. NO matter what you do or say, it has NOTHING to do
with him using. He uses becuz he is A. period. So do not walk on
eggshells or hold back. It will make you sick.
I told my A tonight, well you got what you wanted and now you are not
here to help me. I don't care, does not surprise me, upset me or anything. I ccan
do it myself. He is A, he is terribly sick.
Trust, to me is not going to happen with an A. I can trust my A to not be
there for me> I can trust my A to put his mommy before me. I can trust
him to do drugs and not be able to control his own meds.
It is what it is. I Had to harden myself in a way. I detach from the bs.
Anyway don't give up on meetings. Go there for you, go for the skills you W ill learn
Does not matter what the people do. They are not perfect and who knows
what they have been thru.
I feel the same about my religion. I used to see the people be hypocrits. But
now i don't see it. I see people who are doing their best with what they have.
And my goal is to please my hp, not anyone else.
Much love to you, and keep coming back. love,debilyn
Karilynn,
I think you answered your own questions. If you are nervous about him coming and worried then you probably susupect that he is or has been drinking. I have found that if you have a relationship with an A then you get all that goes with it. Trust may never happen because they give you a lot of reasons not to trust. Detachment through good boundaries helps me. Only you can decide if it is worth it. It really is about the disease and not you.
Hope the answers come to you. Alanon helps whether you have a long term or short term relationship. Someone has been in your shoes before.
In support,
Nancy
karilynn,
I know where you are. My A has also gone to rehab and come home for weekend visit. I was very scared the whole week end. Looking back I'm not sure why. If he drank their was nothing I could do about it. It was a waste of my time worrying. (he didn't) Trust will come in time not over night. I've learned to let it go. My A has been sober 7mos now. He today went to the casnio with a friend. Yes I could worry he will pick up their but what can I do about it. It is out of my hands. Not worth my time I'll find out when he comes home and not untill then. Let it go. Trust will come in time.
Please keep coming it works.
Your friend in recovery NIKKILOU
Hi Karilynn,
Welcome and glad you posted here. I do understand your being apprehensive about Tom coming home for a visit. You stated you know that he is responsible for his drinking; he is also responsible for his recovery and his recovery is just that "his" recovery. There is nothing you can do for him other than take good care of yourself and keep the focus on yourself and not on the alcoholism.
"How do I trust him to make the sober choice?" He is an adult and his choices are his own to make. This may sound rather heartless but the reality is we have absolutely no control over another person's choices or another person for that matter.
"Or is this a fear that we all have to learn to live with?" If I live my life in fear..than I am not living my life..I am being pulled through it kicking and screaming! I learned to detach with love from the alcoholic, I learned to have "high hopes but low expectations" as this disease is very insidious, cunning and baffling.
"What's the good of having open communication if you can't talk to him about it?" When an alcoholic comes out of rehab or a halfway house they are still learning to live in the world without the numbing effect the alcohol has had on their emotions. It is my understanding they need to focus on their recovery first and foremost to remain sober. Sometimes that can leave us feeling left out or as lonely as we were when they were drinking. The best way for us to help them is to help ourselves. We help ourselves by learning the Al-Anon principles and tools of recovery for ourselves for we have been effected by another person's drinking - some of us more than others.
"Why am I so scared?" I cannot answer that for you...but for me it was the fact that I never knew what was coming next and that made me fearful. I was well aware that I had no control over his disease or the effects of that on my life. My focus was on the alcoholic and not on myself and all that did was "drive me nuts!" Now after being in Al-Anon for a few years my attitude has changed about alot of things. I have serenity now..something I never had before. As it says in our preamble "we can find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."
I do hope you will give Al-Anon meetings another try. We do have meetings here on line in the chatroom and they are very helpful. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope here and I do think if you give it a really good try, you will find that you feel better. Eventually you will be able to answer all of your questions for yourself.
Love in recovery - Shimo (Jeri)
Karilyn, thank you for your post. My A went to an outpatient program for 30 days, but never attended a meeting. The counsellor said that he would drink again. And, he began about ten years ago although he was sober for about 15 years. During his sobriety, we didn't do much socially, because of the temptation for drinking; thus, we denied ourselves many friendships because most of our acquaintances drank. And, I always worried about him picking up that "first" drink again. My advice to myself now looking back would be to enjoy everything that YOU want to and concentrate on YOU and not the A. Enjoy life and take care of YOU. I have to admit that I lived a very phony life with my A never fully expressing ME just to keep the peace--I denied "me." Since I have been doing my reading and visiting this site, I am finally getting in touch with me again and I love it. My priorities are with my Higher Power and me and not the A--he has fallen from his pedestal--and replaced with what should have been my priority in the first place--me and my relationship to my God. I don't know if this will help, but please take care of YOU. YOU deserve to live life to its fullest. Go for it. Be all that you can be. I hope this helps if just a little. Love and blessings, Annie