Well I was doing very well with the program, not letting my "A" bother me and living my own life. But where is the line where you have to say something? And you cant just ignore them. First of all my husband and I are only 23 yrs old. We have a 2 year old son and a daughter on the way. We have been very fortunate and my husband has made a good living in the real estate profession. When I met him he was sober, he told me that he had a problem drinking and thats why he didnt drink. After we were married a year he started drinking again and it wasnt bad at first but it got that way fast. He still was functioning and he would only have binges. We have been married 3 years now and it hasnt been until the past few months that it has been getting REALLY bad. To the point where he's leaving our gas stove on over night, and now all the sudden he has taken to pissing everywhere but the bathroom. This morning I woke up and didnt notice anything and he was sleeping on the couch, where he normally passes out. In the middle of the day I wanted to take a nap and went to the room and realized that there was a huge puddle in the middle near the top of the bed, right between where we would both have been sleeping. I thought that the dog got mad at us and pissed in the bed so my "A" put her nose in it and put her outside. Well a few minutes later I wanted to take a bath and realized that my "A"'s shorts were lying on the bathroom floor and they were soaking wet, and I know they had been there since I woke up at 6:30am. And I ask my "A" why his shorts were wet and in the bathroom and he came and picked them up and smelled them and said that they smell like peee. So then we came to the conclusion that it was him who pissed in the bed and not the poor dog. But how and how did he get it up there and why did he come to bed to pee and then go to sleep on the couch. He of course didnt remember any of it so he had no answers. He was amazed at himself and in disbelief that he would do that. But I said,"OK, so the dog climbed on our bed, picked up that pillow, pissed under it, replaced the pillow, then went to the bathroom and saw your shorts and in deciding to frame you, pissed all over them?" And he admitted that it had to be him, but he couldnt picture what happened. I told him that this is becoming a habit, I have caught him trying to pull his pants down in almost every room in our house when he's that drunk. And it's only been in the past month or two. He is getting so drunk to the point that he cant even control where he goes to the bathroom. I am going nuts. I am loosing sleep because every night I fear for our lives because he is playing with the stove or because I'm afraid I will have to clean up his piss the next morning. I have a two year old and a dog I take care of and now he is continually making more work for me, I am going nuts. When I have our next baby in December I dont know if I can keep up with all three of them. I dont think I have the energy. What should I do? I am out of ideas. I am up for suggestions.
Christy said
Sep 1, 2005
Hi kimmie,
Firstly, it's his pee to clean up. You can get a plastic cover for your mattress, but he should be responsible for washing sheets. He must have consequences for his actions. Maybe when he is humiliated by it a few times he may see that there is a problem.
It's not unusual for A's to be so drunk they don't realize where they are peeing.
Take a stand hun. Set that boundary. He pees, He cleans it up.
If he won't do it, leave it. It'll be gross, but it's not your job. The definition of enabling is doing something for them that they can do themselves.
Unfortunately, alcohol is a progressive disease and will only get worse unless he recognizes he has a out of control problem and seeks help.
There's nothing you can do in the interrum but use your alanon tools.
BTW, when a dogs nose is put in in pee, even if it's theirs, they have no clue what you are doing to them. Their brain process doesn't connect like that.
Christy
abbyal said
Sep 1, 2005
Ditto to christies reply he made the mess he cleans it up. I hope u start to attend meetings for yourself , al anon will help you there is nothing u can do about him. Shameing them , begging crying threats to leave just don't work. This is his problem leave it with him.
Alcoholics need enablers to continue drinking and thats us , we beleive thier lies, we cover up rotten behavior , we bail them out , make excuses to others when we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves things start to change. Someone has got to get off the merry go round and since your the one that is looking for answers that has to be you.
Until he says that what he's doing is causing him a problem and he is going to do something about it " it isn't" it's causing you a problem and al anon will help . good luck Louise
cdb said
Sep 1, 2005
Hello kimmie,
I am so sorry you are going through this. (((((((kimmie))))) When I post it helps me to go back and re-read it over and maybe over again. I can then see things differently and take a new look at what actually has gone on. Only you can decide what to do for you. I agree that your safety and the kids is the most important thing. A tiny baby (the one to be born in december) has such small lungs that the same amount of gas could kill the baby faster than any or you. Maybe this was a reality check for your husband, but only he can help himself too. Keep coming back and do get to a face to face meeting near you as soon as you can. your friend, cdb
agatha said
Sep 1, 2005
(((Kimmie)))
My A did that all the time too. Once he even peed in the oven. I didn't realize until I pre heated it and what a smell!
Having him clean it up sounds wonderful but at the time I also had a two year old son. My A would look at me and walk away when ever I tried to get him to clean any of his messes. Nothing I could say would strike a cord with him. He would pretend it just had never happened and I would be left with it. If it had been just me I could have done it but with a small child around and home most of the day I just couldn't tell our son day after day, " Don't sit there sweetie", " Don't step over here honey". And if I just left the bedding for him to change I would be sleeping in it every night. We had a friend at the time that my A would drink with and he went home and peed in the fridge on X-mas eve. Good-bye X-mas dinner.
This was the point in my relationship that made me decide to leave. This was just my personal decision. I had already had twelve years of this at that point. I wasn't getting any sleep because I had one ear open for my son and one open for the A. I was so afraid he would pee on our son while he slept. I would protect that child like a wild animal protecting her young. I couldn't leave for me all thoughs years prior but I felt I had to leave for our son. It was the control freak in me.
Leaving is not for everyone and with you having a little one on the way it makes it that much harder. I will tell you that today my A says that Al-Anon saved his life. It was two months after I started going that I left. After a five month binge my A went to AA. That doesn't happen all the time but for us it took me making an extreme move ( across the country) to create extreme change.
Again, that just what happen with us. That was the only way I knew to deal with the pee and everything else. Maybe if I had been in Al-Anon longer before deciding to leave I would have been able to find a different solution to this problem that wouldn't have been so hard on our son.
Pray on it and I'm sure your HP will give you the answers. Be good to you, baby, and son until then. I will say a prayer for all of you as well.
Agatha
jj said
Sep 1, 2005
Hugs to you ((((((Kimmie))))))
I can totally relate to you. I have gone through this. I can remember on several occasions just breaking down crying because my husband had peed somewhere and whith my 2 kids the pressures I had to keep a clean home and then to top it off another child to clean up after. I got alot of support from this board and they told me to let him clean it up. Now if I tell him that he peed where ever it might be at that time on a wall or the floor where ever he still thinks it is not him, but the kids. NO!!!!
What really ended up getting to me was when my son was 2 my daughter new born and my son thought it was ok to pee in the closet or on his bed because daddy did it. It really sucked!!!
Well I tend to stay up until he gets home and passes out and then wakes up and goes to do his business once just about on our daughter while she was in bed sleeping. I stop him!! It is like he is sleep walking he is totally disoriented and really does believe that he is in the bathroom. He has even tried to blame me saying I lock the bathroom door on him but in all actuallity he is at the front door. The last time he pee the bed was when I had dental surgery he went out the night before, SIL took me and when she got me home I went to get into bed and it was peed. Of course he denied it in front of his sister but it was so obvious. I of course was quite out of it and lost it on him right in front of her in total discust. It is very hard to deal with and yes some times I think that I should just GET OUT! The program has helpped and he has not done this kind of thing for a while but I do know what you are going through. It is so infantile and discusting I really have no compassion for my AH when it comes to this and it does make it hard for me to even look at him at times but working my program does help me. Just the other day I told hubby that I really hate what he is like in the bathroom and the fact that it is so unclean and that he will be cleaning it up.
I have been in the program now for 9 months and I don't wait up as much, we very rarely fight and his behavior is not quite as bad as it was and this is all because I have changed. There are times when I know that he is so out of it that it is possible that he might pee some where so instead of keeping an eye on him I take the kids to bed with me and lock the door then that way they are not in going to be in any harm. That is the only thing I can think of doing.
I really do feel for you and can understand!!!
Take care!!!
JJ
nmike said
Sep 1, 2005
Kimmie,
I symphathize with you especially with little ones. My husband never peed but alcoholic's extreme behaviors is hard to deal with because it is always so over the edge. I think that you can have some boundaries like the other posts said. Sometimes you can even have boundaries in your head so you don't have to swing when they do. Meetings sure help me because they make you stronger and I think that the A's notice.
Take care of yourself and keep trying. In support,
Nancy
Dolphin123 said
Sep 1, 2005
(((((((((((((((KIMMIE)))))))))))))))))),
I just wanted to offer up my support! Everyone else had said what I was thinking when I read your post.
Ditto to christies reply he made the mess he cleans it up. I hope u start to attend meetings for yourself , al anon will help you there is nothing u can do about him. Shameing them , begging crying threats to leave just don't work. This is his problem leave it with him.
Alcoholics need enablers to continue drinking and thats us , we beleive thier lies, we cover up rotten behavior , we bail them out , make excuses to others when we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves things start to change. Someone has got to get off the merry go round and since your the one that is looking for answers that has to be you.
Until he says that what he's doing is causing him a problem and he is going to do something about it " it isn't" it's causing you a problem and al anon will help . good luck Louise
Hello kimmie,
I am so sorry you are going through this. (((((((kimmie))))) When I post it helps me to go back and re-read it over and maybe over again. I can then see things differently and take a new look at what actually has gone on. Only you can decide what to do for you. I agree that your safety and the kids is the most important thing. A tiny baby (the one to be born in december) has such small lungs that the same amount of gas could kill the baby faster than any or you. Maybe this was a reality check for your husband, but only he can help himself too. Keep coming back and do get to a face to face meeting near you as soon as you can. your friend, cdb
(((Kimmie)))
My A did that all the time too. Once he even peed in the oven. I didn't realize until I pre heated it and what a smell!
Having him clean it up sounds wonderful but at the time I also had a two year old son. My A would look at me and walk away when ever I tried to get him to clean any of his messes. Nothing I could say would strike a cord with him. He would pretend it just had never happened and I would be left with it. If it had been just me I could have done it but with a small child around and home most of the day I just couldn't tell our son day after day, " Don't sit there sweetie", " Don't step over here honey". And if I just left the bedding for him to change I would be sleeping in it every night. We had a friend at the time that my A would drink with and he went home and peed in the fridge on X-mas eve. Good-bye X-mas dinner.
This was the point in my relationship that made me decide to leave. This was just my personal decision. I had already had twelve years of this at that point. I wasn't getting any sleep because I had one ear open for my son and one open for the A. I was so afraid he would pee on our son while he slept. I would protect that child like a wild animal protecting her young. I couldn't leave for me all thoughs years prior but I felt I had to leave for our son. It was the control freak in me.
Leaving is not for everyone and with you having a little one on the way it makes it that much harder. I will tell you that today my A says that Al-Anon saved his life. It was two months after I started going that I left. After a five month binge my A went to AA. That doesn't happen all the time but for us it took me making an extreme move ( across the country) to create extreme change.
Again, that just what happen with us. That was the only way I knew to deal with the pee and everything else. Maybe if I had been in Al-Anon longer before deciding to leave I would have been able to find a different solution to this problem that wouldn't have been so hard on our son.
Pray on it and I'm sure your HP will give you the answers. Be good to you, baby, and son until then. I will say a prayer for all of you as well.
Agatha
Hugs to you ((((((Kimmie))))))
I can totally relate to you. I have gone through this. I can remember on several occasions just breaking down crying because my husband had peed somewhere and whith my 2 kids the pressures I had to keep a clean home and then to top it off another child to clean up after. I got alot of support from this board and they told me to let him clean it up. Now if I tell him that he peed where ever it might be at that time on a wall or the floor where ever he still thinks it is not him, but the kids. NO!!!!
What really ended up getting to me was when my son was 2 my daughter new born and my son thought it was ok to pee in the closet or on his bed because daddy did it. It really sucked!!!
Well I tend to stay up until he gets home and passes out and then wakes up and goes to do his business once just about on our daughter while she was in bed sleeping. I stop him!! It is like he is sleep walking he is totally disoriented and really does believe that he is in the bathroom. He has even tried to blame me saying I lock the bathroom door on him but in all actuallity he is at the front door. The last time he pee the bed was when I had dental surgery he went out the night before, SIL took me and when she got me home I went to get into bed and it was peed. Of course he denied it in front of his sister but it was so obvious. I of course was quite out of it and lost it on him right in front of her in total discust. It is very hard to deal with and yes some times I think that I should just GET OUT! The program has helpped and he has not done this kind of thing for a while but I do know what you are going through. It is so infantile and discusting I really have no compassion for my AH when it comes to this and it does make it hard for me to even look at him at times but working my program does help me. Just the other day I told hubby that I really hate what he is like in the bathroom and the fact that it is so unclean and that he will be cleaning it up.
I have been in the program now for 9 months and I don't wait up as much, we very rarely fight and his behavior is not quite as bad as it was and this is all because I have changed. There are times when I know that he is so out of it that it is possible that he might pee some where so instead of keeping an eye on him I take the kids to bed with me and lock the door then that way they are not in going to be in any harm. That is the only thing I can think of doing.
I really do feel for you and can understand!!!
Take care!!!
JJ
Kimmie,
I symphathize with you especially with little ones. My husband never peed but alcoholic's extreme behaviors is hard to deal with because it is always so over the edge. I think that you can have some boundaries like the other posts said. Sometimes you can even have boundaries in your head so you don't have to swing when they do. Meetings sure help me because they make you stronger and I think that the A's notice.
Take care of yourself and keep trying. In support,
Nancy
(((((((((((((((KIMMIE)))))))))))))))))),
I just wanted to offer up my support! Everyone else had said what I was thinking when I read your post.
Much Love,