I feel like my emotions are on the Cyclone! Up and down, up and down. Really high one day and then plunging to the bottom the next. Thank goodness I have a f2f tonight! There's nothing at this point that helps me more than my f2f meetings.
My husband and I have been separated for 2 months and he has been sober for a little over a week now. I left him b/c our lives were in such turmoil. He has begged me to come back for almost all of the 2 months and it has put so much stress on me...sometimes I just sit and cry. My oldest is supposed to be in kindergarten and I just keep putting it off until I can make sense out of this mess. I don't know whether to start him here or wait until we go back there. I keep thinking any day I will make the decision to go back yet I have this voice in my head telling me I need to be here.(HP?)
Since he has been in AA he has apologized for putting the pressure on me to return and told me he won't ever do that again. What relief that brought! Now I am dealing with trying to figure out when/where to put my oldest in kindergarten and not knowing what to say when my oldest asks me why we can't go back home, where is Daddy etc... My boys terribly miss their Daddy. I can see how their eyes light up when he comes to visit and my baby clings to him the whole time he's here. What kind of damage am I doing to them by keeping them here? I need some reinforcement that I am doing the right thing. Logic tells me yes, keep the boys away from a home like we had, yet my heart tells me they need to be with both parents.
He has been feverously working his program and in between diaper changes, naptime, playtime and a hundred meals a day I have been working on mine, lol. Seriously the only time I seem to be able to work it is when I have complete silence and everyone else is in bed. Then I find myself staying up until all hours of the night just to have to wake up bright and early the next day with the boys. I am so exhausted! Being a single mom is HARD! My heart goes out to all you single moms. It has to be the toughest job in the world.
My husband and I talk every day on the phone and he shares what he's learned in AA and I usually just listen I want to be there for him, yet I also want him to be there for me. I don't think he's capable of that right now. He's all about his recovery which is great, but I swear it's like he's sucking the life out of me and using it to keep himself going. That sounds horrible I know, but that's how I really feel. I just don't have the extra right now to give to someone who last month was telling me he didn't love me and would leave me worried sick about where he was all hours of the night. I obviously still have a LONG way to go on my recovery and I just don't know how he fits in to that. He thinks I should miraculously be like him and be super positive and be "high" on my program. Wow, I wish it worked like that for me! I wish I could forget all of the crap I've been through these last 5 years and just miraculously recover overnight. It just doesn't work like that. They call them STEPS for a reason. You take the steps necessary to recover.
I think that we "poison" each other. We are both hindering each other's recovery. Neither of us have much positive to add to each other's recovery. We talk daily and have an occasional great chat but most of the time he is on the phone b/c he "has to be" or he is talking about himself. He told me last night that his sponsor told him that I probably just wasn't as far as him spiritually. Well maybe that's true but what place does he have to say it and why the heck would my husband tell me that!?
So my husband starts crying last night saying that he just can't do it right now. He can't be in a relationship with me and recover himself. He admits that we "poison" each other and bring each other down. I was at a point 2 days ago where I was planning on going home this weekend. Now he's saying he can't do it with me there. I completely see what he's saying b/c I have been saying the same thing the whole time I've been here. I feel completely relieved when I don't have to see or talk to him. Still a part of me feels rejected, stranded, lonely and confused.
I know what I need to do I just don't know if I have the strength to do it. I have to get my son in kindergarten. I have to keep working on my recovery. I have to take care of myself and my kids. Please pray I will find the strength to do what I need to do to keep myself and my kids healthy.
I need a break...desperately. It seems as though I inch forward in my recovery, just to get overwhelmed with things and go 2 feet back. How do you progressively move forward when your life is completely overwhelming?
Thanks so much for listening. It helps a ton just to get it all out.
-BStrong
kerry5 said
Aug 31, 2005
It is really very hard being a single mother. I made my ex leave when my children were 2 and 3, i was also in depression at the time but my mother helped alot. Now my mother has passed and i have to do it completely alone and the kids are now 6and 7. I did find it overwhelming at first but it gets easier as the feeling of loss leaves. Its been very hard but i still do not regret leaving my ex, it was the best desicion i ever made and that is what is working for me. Now visitation will be reduced but im not worried anymore i know i can take care of my kids. . To get your break instead of your husband coming to you to see them cant you drop kids off at his house? so you can have your break. I cant tell you what to do ,but i can say take a break from thinking about it for one day give it to HP. Do something fun with the boys. And then follow your instincts.
((((((((hugs))))))))
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 11:38, 2005-08-31
-- Edited by kerry5 at 11:39, 2005-08-31
mom to 2 said
Aug 31, 2005
Strong,
I am so exactly where you are. Well not exactly because my husband is drinking again.
I have a 3 1/2 year old and 21 month old. My 3 year old is starting nursery school next week and I too didn't know if I should continue. I don't have the money, and I thought we may end up moving or I may end up having to put them in daycare and work full time.
I'm trying to take it one day at a time, so I am putting him in for now and have worked my schedule around it. If he needs to come out of the school, I'll cross that bridge then.
I have been a single mother for nearly 5 months now. My husband does return for short periods and attempts sobriety and fails every time. It's so hard.
He hasn't worked for 5 months and is out of money so there is no longer financial support either.
I do have an attorney and now am pursuing active divorce and sole custody. I hate that it has come to this. I continue to pray for his recovery and probably would take him back if he was active in a program.
I too, so want my children to have a mother and father living together happily. So does he, but he can't stop right now.
mom to 2
nmike said
Aug 31, 2005
bstrong,
You are not alone - you have the message board and all your friends in Alanon. My husband and I are going through a separation. He just can't be there for me. I just called my home phone number and left a message for myself so I don't have to go home and not have one message. We do have to be there for ourselves, too.
In support,
Nancy
sg said
Aug 31, 2005
Strong4myboys....first off ((((hugs to you)))
Secondly, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. It is hard, isn't it? But your main focus right now is taking care of yourself. Because if you don't, who is going to? You need to get better so that you can be the best mom you can be. And eventually if it is His will, the best wife you can be.
One thing to remember is YOU BOTH ARE IN RECOVERY. I'm in the same boat. In our home, my husband and I are in no position to even attempt at working on "us" as far as a relationship. We are working on our own recoveries and hopefully if it is His will, we will find our ways back to each other.
Your HP has a plan for you and sometimes it is difficult to remember that it isn't on our timeline. You've already admitted that you both feel like "poison" to each other. Why not allow yourself to spend some time apart while you both work the Program? Or do you feel that you could live in the same house and work the Program side by side?
I know it is difficult being a single mom (know from experience). Nothing worthwhile is every easy. It sounds like you two are being the best parents you can be..and that is commendable!
Be gentle and kind to yourself. Work your Program as much as you can..and allow him the respect and love to work his. Try to detach and focus on yourself getting better. I guarantee you that you do that and all will fall into place where it should be. Everyday you will get stronger and more sure of what you are to do. Rely on your HP to guide you to make the decisions need be. Accept each and every feelings you are going thru..because w/out acceptance you won't truely be able to detach from the disease and if you are anything like me, it will only build to resentment and come out in anger.
You are doing fine, hon. Do you know you are exactly where you are suppose to be? This is all part of your journey of recovery. Never doubt yourself, the Program or your HP.
Keep coming back! It works!
megan said
Aug 31, 2005
Hi
I know the feelings that come from being seperated.
I left my husband in may after much verbal/emotional abuse.
I then gave hy alcoholic husband the requirements for a reconciliation.
he had to be soberand in a program for 6 months
He also had to:
q
My A is sober and in a program for 6 months
q
He acknowledges and accepts responsibility for what he's done, fully acknowledges that he used abuse to control you and that it was wrong, and he isn't blaming you, other people, his stress, his job, or any other outside circumstances for his choices.
q
He is no longer denying it, making light of it, or making excuses for it.
q
He acknowledges that he chose to behave this way instead of saying that other people made him do it, or that he can't control himself.
q
He fully understands and acknowledges that what he did was wrong.
q
He admits lies, he admits what he's done and is not longer making up stories to make himself look better.
q
He is no longer trying to hide his behavior from others.
q
He understands that recovery from abusiveness takes a long time and he'll have to work at it for a long, long time.
q
He understands what his behavior has cost you.
q
He understands fully that you have been hurt by what he's done, and the ways in which you've been hurt.
q
He will talk about it with you in depth about how you feel, your fear, your hurt, your anger, your rights, your lack of trust for him and understands fully that it is his behavior that has caused it.
q
When you express anger at him, he listens instead of getting angry and trying to shout you down, threatening you or trying to convince you that something's wrong with you for feeling that way.
q
He is sorry for what he's done, and is working hard to overcome the damage he's done and is actively making up for it by giving you back what is rightfully yours - money, rights, freedoms, choices, etc..
q
He understands that it will take his victims a long time to recover from what he's done to them.
q
He is proving to you that he understands that you're a human being with rights and is no longer trying to take them away from you. No more double standards.
q
He understands that you're an equal human being, and he's not superior to you.
q
He's pulling his weight.
q
He's respecting your opinions, even the ones with disagree with his.
q
He's accepting your right to be angry with him for what he's done, and you can talk about his abuse with him.
q
He's respecting your right to independence and your right to freedom.
q
He stops interfering in your friendships and family relationships and you are able to re-establish and repair these, and make new friends.
q
He stops monitoring your movements, demanding to know where you are and who's there.
q
He stops expecting sex on demand.
q
He is taking into account how you're affected by his behavior and choices.
q
He's stopped drinking.
q
He's stopped doing those things that are inappropriate for a committed relationship.
q
He takes responsibility for what he does and how it affects you
He acknowledges the contributions you made to the relationship.
He is no longer blocking communication, he listens and respects what you have to say.
It looks like we will be seperated a long long time.
he said that this list as vicious and I was very mena and he was not a monstor.
Keep working on you!
in recovery megan
mom to 2 said
Aug 31, 2005
Megan,
That's an awesome list.
mom to 2
Dolphin123 said
Aug 31, 2005
(((((((((((Strong))))))))))))),
Oh my heart goes out ot you now.
In August of '01 my "A" and I seperated he went to live with his sponsor. This was one of the hardest times of my life. I was pregnant with our second child and our oldest child was two at the time. I went to alanon because it was all I knew to do. I am the strong independent person today because of it. We were seperated for a year, and decided to give it another shot.
I know your situation is different, and I think it is great that you are doing the difficult thind because you think it is best for yourself and your children. You asked about the damage that they have by not being with their dad, how much damge did they have when you lived with him. They may not understand now, but later on if it ever comes up, you can expalin why you felt you needed to leave and that it was because you thought it was best for them.
Last year my daughter was supposed to be in Kindergarten. My "A" got arressted in August. Putting her in kindergarten would have meant moving her to a new daycare, and she has been there for 3 years, and her sister and brother also attend that daycare, but would not attend the other. I was absolutely frantic about it. Then someone simply asked me why she has to go to kindergarten, could she wait. I stopped and thought about it. And prayed about it. I kept her out of kindergarten, and schooled her myself after work and on weekends. She is now going to enter the first grade.
I feel like my emotions are on the Cyclone! Up and down, up and down. Really high one day and then plunging to the bottom the next. Thank goodness I have a f2f tonight! There's nothing at this point that helps me more than my f2f meetings.
My husband and I have been separated for 2 months and he has been sober for a little over a week now. I left him b/c our lives were in such turmoil. He has begged me to come back for almost all of the 2 months and it has put so much stress on me...sometimes I just sit and cry. My oldest is supposed to be in kindergarten and I just keep putting it off until I can make sense out of this mess. I don't know whether to start him here or wait until we go back there. I keep thinking any day I will make the decision to go back yet I have this voice in my head telling me I need to be here.(HP?)
Since he has been in AA he has apologized for putting the pressure on me to return and told me he won't ever do that again. What relief that brought! Now I am dealing with trying to figure out when/where to put my oldest in kindergarten and not knowing what to say when my oldest asks me why we can't go back home, where is Daddy etc... My boys terribly miss their Daddy. I can see how their eyes light up when he comes to visit and my baby clings to him the whole time he's here. What kind of damage am I doing to them by keeping them here? I need some reinforcement that I am doing the right thing. Logic tells me yes, keep the boys away from a home like we had, yet my heart tells me they need to be with both parents.
He has been feverously working his program and in between diaper changes, naptime, playtime and a hundred meals a day I have been working on mine, lol. Seriously the only time I seem to be able to work it is when I have complete silence and everyone else is in bed. Then I find myself staying up until all hours of the night just to have to wake up bright and early the next day with the boys. I am so exhausted! Being a single mom is HARD! My heart goes out to all you single moms. It has to be the toughest job in the world.
My husband and I talk every day on the phone and he shares what he's learned in AA and I usually just listen
I want to be there for him, yet I also want him to be there for me. I don't think he's capable of that right now. He's all about his recovery which is great, but I swear it's like he's sucking the life out of me and using it to keep himself going. That sounds horrible I know, but that's how I really feel. I just don't have the extra right now to give to someone who last month was telling me he didn't love me and would leave me worried sick about where he was all hours of the night. I obviously still have a LONG way to go on my recovery and I just don't know how he fits in to that. He thinks I should miraculously be like him and be super positive and be "high" on my program. Wow, I wish it worked like that for me! I wish I could forget all of the crap I've been through these last 5 years and just miraculously recover overnight. It just doesn't work like that. They call them STEPS for a reason. You take the steps necessary to recover.
I think that we "poison" each other. We are both hindering each other's recovery. Neither of us have much positive to add to each other's recovery. We talk daily and have an occasional great chat but most of the time he is on the phone b/c he "has to be" or he is talking about himself. He told me last night that his sponsor told him that I probably just wasn't as far as him spiritually. Well maybe that's true but what place does he have to say it and why the heck would my husband tell me that!?
So my husband starts crying last night saying that he just can't do it right now. He can't be in a relationship with me and recover himself. He admits that we "poison" each other and bring each other down. I was at a point 2 days ago where I was planning on going home this weekend. Now he's saying he can't do it with me there. I completely see what he's saying b/c I have been saying the same thing the whole time I've been here. I feel completely relieved when I don't have to see or talk to him. Still a part of me feels rejected, stranded, lonely and confused.
I know what I need to do I just don't know if I have the strength to do it. I have to get my son in kindergarten. I have to keep working on my recovery. I have to take care of myself and my kids. Please pray I will find the strength to do what I need to do to keep myself and my kids healthy.
I need a break...desperately. It seems as though I inch forward in my recovery, just to get overwhelmed with things and go 2 feet back. How do you progressively move forward when your life is completely overwhelming?
Thanks so much for listening. It helps a ton just to get it all out.
-BStrong
It is really very hard being a single mother. I made my ex leave when my children were 2 and 3, i was also in depression at the time but my mother helped alot. Now my mother has passed and i have to do it completely alone and the kids are now 6and 7. I did find it overwhelming at first but it gets easier as the feeling of loss leaves. Its been very hard but i still do not regret leaving my ex, it was the best desicion i ever made and that is what is working for me. Now visitation will be reduced but im not worried anymore i know i can take care of my kids. . To get your break instead of your husband coming to you to see them cant you drop kids off at his house? so you can have your break. I cant tell you what to do ,but i can say take a break from thinking about it for one day give it to HP. Do something fun with the boys. And then follow your instincts.
((((((((hugs))))))))
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 11:38, 2005-08-31
-- Edited by kerry5 at 11:39, 2005-08-31
Strong,
I am so exactly where you are. Well not exactly because my husband is drinking again.
I have a 3 1/2 year old and 21 month old. My 3 year old is starting nursery school next week and I too didn't know if I should continue. I don't have the money, and I thought we may end up moving or I may end up having to put them in daycare and work full time.
I'm trying to take it one day at a time, so I am putting him in for now and have worked my schedule around it. If he needs to come out of the school, I'll cross that bridge then.
I have been a single mother for nearly 5 months now. My husband does return for short periods and attempts sobriety and fails every time. It's so hard.
He hasn't worked for 5 months and is out of money so there is no longer financial support either.
I do have an attorney and now am pursuing active divorce and sole custody. I hate that it has come to this. I continue to pray for his recovery and probably would take him back if he was active in a program.
I too, so want my children to have a mother and father living together happily. So does he, but he can't stop right now.
mom to 2
bstrong,
You are not alone - you have the message board and all your friends in Alanon. My husband and I are going through a separation. He just can't be there for me. I just called my home phone number and left a message for myself so I don't have to go home and not have one message. We do have to be there for ourselves, too.
In support,
Nancy
Hi
I know the feelings that come from being seperated.
I left my husband in may after much verbal/emotional abuse.
I then gave hy alcoholic husband the requirements for a reconciliation.
he had to be soberand in a program for 6 months
He also had to:
q
My A is sober and in a program for 6 monthsq
He acknowledges and accepts responsibility for what he's done, fully acknowledges that he used abuse to control you and that it was wrong, and he isn't blaming you, other people, his stress, his job, or any other outside circumstances for his choices.q
He is no longer denying it, making light of it, or making excuses for it.q
He acknowledges that he chose to behave this way instead of saying that other people made him do it, or that he can't control himself.q
He fully understands and acknowledges that what he did was wrong.q
He admits lies, he admits what he's done and is not longer making up stories to make himself look better.q
He is no longer trying to hide his behavior from others.q
He understands that recovery from abusiveness takes a long time and he'll have to work at it for a long, long time.q
He understands what his behavior has cost you.q
He understands fully that you have been hurt by what he's done, and the ways in which you've been hurt.q
He will talk about it with you in depth about how you feel, your fear, your hurt, your anger, your rights, your lack of trust for him and understands fully that it is his behavior that has caused it.q
When you express anger at him, he listens instead of getting angry and trying to shout you down, threatening you or trying to convince you that something's wrong with you for feeling that way.q
He is sorry for what he's done, and is working hard to overcome the damage he's done and is actively making up for it by giving you back what is rightfully yours - money, rights, freedoms, choices, etc..q
He understands that it will take his victims a long time to recover from what he's done to them.q
He is proving to you that he understands that you're a human being with rights and is no longer trying to take them away from you. No more double standards.q
He understands that you're an equal human being, and he's not superior to you.q
He's pulling his weight.q
He's respecting your opinions, even the ones with disagree with his.q
He's accepting your right to be angry with him for what he's done, and you can talk about his abuse with him.q
He's respecting your right to independence and your right to freedom.q
He stops interfering in your friendships and family relationships and you are able to re-establish and repair these, and make new friends.q
He stops monitoring your movements, demanding to know where you are and who's there.q
He stops expecting sex on demand.q
He is taking into account how you're affected by his behavior and choices.q
He's stopped drinking.q
He's stopped doing those things that are inappropriate for a committed relationship.q
He takes responsibility for what he does and how it affects youHe acknowledges the contributions you made to the relationship.
He is no longer blocking communication, he listens and respects what you have to say.
It looks like we will be seperated a long long time.
he said that this list as vicious and I was very mena and he was not a monstor.
Keep working on you!
in recovery megan
Megan,
That's an awesome list.
mom to 2
(((((((((((Strong))))))))))))),
Oh my heart goes out ot you now.
In August of '01 my "A" and I seperated he went to live with his sponsor. This was one of the hardest times of my life. I was pregnant with our second child and our oldest child was two at the time. I went to alanon because it was all I knew to do. I am the strong independent person today because of it. We were seperated for a year, and decided to give it another shot.
I know your situation is different, and I think it is great that you are doing the difficult thind because you think it is best for yourself and your children. You asked about the damage that they have by not being with their dad, how much damge did they have when you lived with him. They may not understand now, but later on if it ever comes up, you can expalin why you felt you needed to leave and that it was because you thought it was best for them.
Last year my daughter was supposed to be in Kindergarten. My "A" got arressted in August. Putting her in kindergarten would have meant moving her to a new daycare, and she has been there for 3 years, and her sister and brother also attend that daycare, but would not attend the other. I was absolutely frantic about it. Then someone simply asked me why she has to go to kindergarten, could she wait. I stopped and thought about it. And prayed about it. I kept her out of kindergarten, and schooled her myself after work and on weekends. She is now going to enter the first grade.
Stay strong, we are here for you!
Much Love,