Hi,

I haven't been a member of Alanon before; I am a recovering addict myself.  My husband and I used to use together and 4 years after I got clean, he joined me in recovery.  It's been pretty great.  For the past two years or so he has been abusing over the counter cough syrup (Robitussin).  I believe it started innocently - he had a chronic cough.  It became clear that he was loaded, though, and he even started stashing and hiding.  I kicked into full co dependent behavior.  My main thing is an obsession that he should admitt what he is doing, which he is not about to do.  Of course I am hurt, angry, scared (we have a business together, and his part of it has gone badly down the tubes - while I tried to stay in denial).  Now that I am facing the whole reality of it, I know I can't live with, be in business with, or even stay married to someone using.  I'm not feeling my own sobriety at risk, but I have SO moved on from that whole scenario (I have almost 18 years clean) that I CANNOT live that way.  He was acting irrational - but somehow he decided to move out into an appartment.  I can think more clearly now but I don't know what to do.  I (of course) WANT to help him get back to the place where he knows what sobriety is, but can I do anything at all.  Thank you for any guidance.

Welcome!!!  (((phoebe))))

First of all congrats on your sobriety.

I am definately CODY big time and before alanon I wanted to help my A because I love him and of course I want the best for him.

You asked "can I do anything at all?"  I ask you this.... when you tell your story could anyone help you before you found sobriety??

you can help your self!!! and you already have taken the first step and that is comming here.  As you know the first step is the hardest, it is so sad to watch the ones we love hurt themselves and for them to loose sight of their sobriety.  I have heard long time AA members who have thought of using go to their sponsor and talk about it and they are quickly reminded of what they had to over come to achieve their sobriety and would they be willing to go through that again. 

I am so sory that you are going through this.  You have come to the right place.  I am assuming that you are an AA member and know that we follow the same 12 steps as AA.

the best thing for me to remember when I became a greatful member of alanon was:

the 3C's

We can't control them
We can't cure them
we didn't cause it.

Keep comming Back!!!  MIP has been very wonderful for me and to me as I am sure it will be for you as well.

Love in recovery
JJ

Good for you for so much recovery time! His recovery is not ruined. Becuz he has relapsed does not negate all the hard work he has been thru. Sadly relapse is part of the recovery process. The way you can help is get the book, "Getting Them Sober." It will teach you so much. I am sad for you losing your companian in him. I sure know how you feel. Though i have never used, I have had a very close relationship with my A husband. The book above helps me so much. When you take care of you, and do not react to his insanity, it helps you both. He will be less likely to feel guilty. Glad you are here. love,debilyn

Thank you for helping.  I am really sad, angry and confused.  It's hard to believe that after EIGHTEEN YEARS I'm back here again.  The pain is just the same.  I had more momentum because our daughter was a baby and my feelings to protect her helped me see what I needed to do.  Now she is eighteen and moved out of the house. 

Hello,

I would also like to welcome you into the loving arms of alanon.

My "A" is an alcoholic/ addict who had 18months clean, and for the past 2 years has been active again. The pain of losing the one you love is difficult, but not having control over it makes it unbearable at times.

I would suggest you read "the dilema of the alcoholic marriage" I found it very helpful, and got alot out of it.

I would also suggest you go to alanon meetings.

My "A" has always told me in his momments of calrity that me working my program was the best thing for him. I can not get him sober, that is way beyond my control, but he knows the power of the program and can see the changes in me.

Keep Coming Back.

Much Love,

I will take your advice and read the books. 

 

I am really a mess over this - it is not just the stupid Robitussin, but all the unhealthy behavior that has been going on around relapse and my response to it.  This includes his abuse towards our daughter.  I am sick with myself for allowing my own denial.  All of my high standards for my relationship have been damaged for years and I just chose to go on as if nothing was happening - I've been a willing, silent accomplice.  My anger is so intense that I can't imagine ever having compassion for him or even tolerance.  I'm doubting my perception of our whole marriage - and truly, I have reasons for my doubts. 

 

Not to have a "pity party" for myself ... well, I guess that IS what I'm doing ... this has been the roughest time in my life so far since living as a heroin addict and finding the program to help me leave that life.  My dear dad died last summer.  My mom is left with Alzheimer's and our terribly disfunctional family - and me in charge of her care and the money my dad left.  My daughter, who was WAY too much the center of my life, turned 18 and flew the coop just last month, right before the break up with my husband.  All the losses. 

 

Thank you for giving me a place to moan.

 

Thank you all for listening.