I've been thinking about this all weekend. My mom, dad and I listened to CD of an alcoholic who spoke at an alanon convention. We started discussing the A's in our family and mom told me for the first time that her grandad on her mother's side was an alcoholic. She said my great grandmom used to bring him scrambled eggs and beer for breakfast We started talking about all the alcoholics in both sides of our families and then it occured to me that it just seems like a vicious cycle in my family to carry on the disease of alcoholism.
We didn't even get into discussions of further back then my grandparents(with the exception of my grandmom's dad) so who knows how far back in the family tree it went. I do know that both of my grandads were A's, my great grandad was an A(grandmoms dad), my brother is an A, numerous A uncles, my husband is an A and his brother and father and grandfather are both A's. Not only does alcoholism run in families, but it seems like (within my family at least) those who come from alcoholic families tend to marry alcoholics or someone from an alcoholic family.
Doesn't it seem like eventually the chain would be broken? Are we attracted subliminally or otherwise to A's or families of A's b/c we have similar backgrounds? I think it would be really interesting to see a study done on this(if there hasn't been one already). I would also love to see the cycle broken in our family. I wonder how likely that is?
kimmie said
Aug 30, 2005
There is a definate cycle. My family goes back generations as well, and I married an alcoholic. There have been studies done but I dont know if they found out why we marry alcoholics when we grew up with them, but I know it is common. We just have to try our best to break the cycle, though since I'm sure you have children- boys, I'm assuming- you know that they have the gene too. They will probably be battleing with the disease as well. I have a son and a daughter on the way. And I know they will have to battle with it. My parents and grandparents were all alcoholics. My husbands parents and grandparents were all alcoholics. My husband is an alcoholic and I was lucky. Though my sister was not so lucky, she likes to drink too. I am surrounded and so are my children, all we can do is pray and teach them the right way of things and hope they dont go down that path. But genetics says they probably will. Hey, heres to hoping, right? Take care.
-- Edited by kimmie at 08:38, 2005-08-30
UncleLou said
Aug 30, 2005
I’m an alcoholic 2 years in solid recovery today. I can say that with some confidence because somewhere around 3-4 months sober the compulsion and desire to drink has been lifted and is still gone to today, (who knows about tomorrow?)
Anyway, my wife filed for divorce a year ago and it was final last week. I just came back from a spiritual AA retreat, my ex is on a Bermuda cruise with her boyfriend and our kids. I don’t want to label anyone else an alcoholic, but in the past, when I used to drink with this guy and his ex-wife, he drank just like me. His ex left him because of the neglect/abuse she suffered because of his drinking and constant pot smoking.
I know of no direct history of alcoholism in my wife’s family, but that does not mean that they don’t exhibit alcoholic, dysfunctional behavior. I’ve been going nuts trying to figure out why my ex would leave me in sobriety for a guy who has all the traits of a drinking (and drug) problem. Out of concern for my children, my sister-in-law confronted my ex-wife about this guy and his drinking and pot smoking. Her reply was that she never saw him smoke pot! I had to laugh at that one! I guess denial is not limited to just the alcoholic’s disease.
I’m convinced that this is a family disease and is certainly cunning, baffling and powerful. I thank my higher power for His help and for all the help of my AA friends to get my through all this crap sober and sane. I know I’m on the right path and I pray for my ex to get healthy.
Hang in there take care of yourself.
Uncle Lou
sandie123 said
Aug 30, 2005
my family too... I married an alcoholic i think because when i was younger and drank so did he. drinking is what we had in common. not anymore. he says i knew what he was like and i changed. yes... he is right that i changed... i grew up and he didn't. he is still drining and it is effecting his life, my kids lives, my life and others. i wish he could see how it effecting everyone but he is too into himself anymore. at this point my kids are seeing how the drinking is messing up our lives and I am hoping that they will be the one to stop the cycle in our family!
UncleLou said
Aug 30, 2005
Oh yeah.. I remember trying to have a conversation with my wife about our kids last year. I told her that now that I'm sober, we have an excellent opportunity to end the cycle of dysfunction that exists in both our families. I still can't figure out why she passed up that chance to be with a guy that I used to be like. God has other plans....
Uncle Lou
Strong4myboys said
Aug 30, 2005
((HUGS))) Kimmie. I, like you, was a "lucky one" too. I have no idea how I escaped it but honestly I think the disease manifests itself in another form with me. I am mildly OCD and I have obsessions of my own so I can see how someone could become obsessed with alcohol. Luckily my compulsions are relatively easy to deal with..shopping and eating...yet they are still something I struggle with on a daily basis. So even though I somehow missed the alcholism gene I have my own demons to deal with!
I am praying that at least one of my boys will not turn out to be an alcoholic. I see how much my oldest child is like me and my youngest child is like my brother(heaven help us!). Maybe by the grace of God neither of them will be plagued with the disease but I know the odds are against us. My husband & his dad, brother, and my grandads and brother are all A's. That's a loooong family line of A's and I just can't imagine both boys will be able to elude that gene.
How will I endure a lifetime of living with alcoholism? I know it's almost inevitible for my kids and grandkids to struggle with the disease. I have to become so strong in this program or I know I will lose my sanity. I just keep reminding myself to keep coming back, that I need this program to help me carry on. Keep coming back...it works if you work it! I also repeat over and over "I didn't cause it, I can't control it & I can't cure it" I think that's my new motto!
More (((HUGS)). I wish you and your family peace and happiness and maybe we will live to see the day that the vicious cycle in our families is broken.
Strong4myboys said
Aug 30, 2005
(((((HUGE HUGS)))) Uncle Lou. Congratulations on your steps to recovery!!!
BTW love the name...It's my oldest son's nick name
Why is it that I am attracted to those who struggle with alcholism? I hear your story and I just want to reach out to you and comfort you somehow. I think this is directly related to the "vicious cycle" I spoke of. For some reason I am attracted to those in need. Who knows, maybe that is my calling in this world? I love helping people & love helping other people find comfort. I also am into psychology and thrive on figuring out why we think the way we do and what makes us think that way.
I see myself in your ex-wife. That is really scary huh? I could see myself in a relationship with another alcoholic down the road. That is even scarier! There is something in me that is attracted to alcoholics. Don't know what it is or why I am like that, I just know that it's something deep inside of me.
I attend F2F alanon meetings and the AA meeting is accross the hall in the other room at the same time. I see a room full of alcholics and radar goes off inside of me. I want to bring immediate comfort to everyone in that room. I want to approach them all, hug them and give them some relief. Even scarier is something in me is super attracted to the males in the meetings. I feel like I have a connection with each and every one of them! The only thing I can think of is that I have this deep desire to help other people or maybe I am just so sick with this disease it creates this illusion that I need to be with an alcoholic to feed a sick need that I have. Who knows. Wish I did! I can only tell you how I feel.
So maybe your ex-wife is really sick herself. Maybe she is not recovering from this disease. I think I have read before that she has attended al anon and has worked her program? Is she still working it? Sounds like she might need Al anon now more than ever. Unfortunately you know that there is not much you can do about that. She has to hit bottom herself. She has to realize what's going on here and why she's making the decisions she is. Maybe she doesn't want to be with someone who is not an alcoholic. Maybe she sees you recovering and she knows how great you are doing, yet she still thrives on relationships with active alcoholics hence her relationship with her current boyfriend who is known to have substance abuse problems.
Denial is absolutely positively NOT limited to alcholics. I have lived in denial practically my whole life. It got worse when I married my A and lived in direct contact with an A. I subconciously knew he was an A from the time we met yet I didn't accept and realize on a concious level that he was/is an A until 3 months ago. If that isn't denial I don't know what is!
It sounds as though your ex-wife might be living in a similar state. I know if my husband and I were to divorce it would take a conscious, active effort to keep myself from getting in a relationship with another A. That is really hard to understand and comprehend considering all of the hell I've gone through with my A! I can hardly fathom how it could even be a remote possibility for me to end up with another alcoholic. I just know that it would definitely be a possibility b/c I have a huge magnetic attraction to them for whatever reason.
Know that the choices your ex-wife makes are not something you can control. It's so hard watching someone you love make bad decisions. That's part of letting go. You have to give up all sense of control and ownership of the decisions she's making today in order for you to find peace and hapiness. Keep working on yourself. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job in recovery! If you take the focus off of her and put it on yourself I think you will be much happier. Keep praying for her. I am praying for you and for your strength to let go and focus on healing yourself. Keep coming back...It works if you work it!
-BStrong
bcanuck said
Aug 30, 2005
Hi strong, I too wonder if it has been studied, not that a study would change things one way or the other. This is my first experience with an alcoholic, guess you could say I'm a "first generation". There is nobody in my family at all who is alcoholic, but here I am married to one. Of the 6 children in his family, he's the only one. His mother freely admits "if I didn't go to church I'd probably be an alcoholic cause I like the taste". Anyway, I'm praying every day that our "first generation" doesn't carry on down the line. My 18 year old son does not touch alcohol and never has (thank you HP). Don't know if it's because he sees what it is doing to his dad, or if he's like me and just has no interest. Either way, I'll take it. My 13 year old daughter is very much like her dad in personality, so she is the one I will have to watch. Youngest son? Heaven only knows.
Having said that if I am ever free of this man, I know without a doubt that it will be a cold day in hell that I ever take up with a man who drinks any alcohol.
I've been thinking about this all weekend. My mom, dad and I listened to CD of an alcoholic who spoke at an alanon convention. We started discussing the A's in our family and mom told me for the first time that her grandad on her mother's side was an alcoholic. She said my great grandmom used to bring him scrambled eggs and beer for breakfast
We started talking about all the alcoholics in both sides of our families and then it occured to me that it just seems like a vicious cycle in my family to carry on the disease of alcoholism.
We didn't even get into discussions of further back then my grandparents(with the exception of my grandmom's dad) so who knows how far back in the family tree it went. I do know that both of my grandads were A's, my great grandad was an A(grandmoms dad), my brother is an A, numerous A uncles, my husband is an A and his brother and father and grandfather are both A's. Not only does alcoholism run in families, but it seems like (within my family at least) those who come from alcoholic families tend to marry alcoholics or someone from an alcoholic family.
Doesn't it seem like eventually the chain would be broken? Are we attracted subliminally or otherwise to A's or families of A's b/c we have similar backgrounds? I think it would be really interesting to see a study done on this(if there hasn't been one already). I would also love to see the cycle broken in our family. I wonder how likely that is?
-- Edited by kimmie at 08:38, 2005-08-30
I’m an alcoholic 2 years in solid recovery today. I can say that with some confidence because somewhere around 3-4 months sober the compulsion and desire to drink has been lifted and is still gone to today, (who knows about tomorrow?)
Anyway, my wife filed for divorce a year ago and it was final last week. I just came back from a spiritual AA retreat, my ex is on a Bermuda cruise with her boyfriend and our kids. I don’t want to label anyone else an alcoholic, but in the past, when I used to drink with this guy and his ex-wife, he drank just like me. His ex left him because of the neglect/abuse she suffered because of his drinking and constant pot smoking.
I know of no direct history of alcoholism in my wife’s family, but that does not mean that they don’t exhibit alcoholic, dysfunctional behavior. I’ve been going nuts trying to figure out why my ex would leave me in sobriety for a guy who has all the traits of a drinking (and drug) problem. Out of concern for my children, my sister-in-law confronted my ex-wife about this guy and his drinking and pot smoking. Her reply was that she never saw him smoke pot! I had to laugh at that one! I guess denial is not limited to just the alcoholic’s disease.
I’m convinced that this is a family disease and is certainly cunning, baffling and powerful. I thank my higher power for His help and for all the help of my AA friends to get my through all this crap sober and sane. I know I’m on the right path and I pray for my ex to get healthy.
Hang in there take care of yourself.
Uncle Lou
Oh yeah.. I remember trying to have a conversation with my wife about our kids last year. I told her that now that I'm sober, we have an excellent opportunity to end the cycle of dysfunction that exists in both our families. I still can't figure out why she passed up that chance to be with a guy that I used to be like. God has other plans....
Uncle Lou
((HUGS))) Kimmie. I, like you, was a "lucky one" too. I have no idea how I escaped it but honestly I think the disease manifests itself in another form with me. I am mildly OCD and I have obsessions of my own so I can see how someone could become obsessed with alcohol. Luckily my compulsions are relatively easy to deal with..shopping and eating...yet they are still something I struggle with on a daily basis. So even though I somehow missed the alcholism gene I have my own demons to deal with!
I am praying that at least one of my boys will not turn out to be an alcoholic. I see how much my oldest child is like me and my youngest child is like my brother(heaven help us!). Maybe by the grace of God neither of them will be plagued with the disease but I know the odds are against us. My husband & his dad, brother, and my grandads and brother are all A's. That's a loooong family line of A's and I just can't imagine both boys will be able to elude that gene.
How will I endure a lifetime of living with alcoholism? I know it's almost inevitible for my kids and grandkids to struggle with the disease. I have to become so strong in this program or I know I will lose my sanity. I just keep reminding myself to keep coming back, that I need this program to help me carry on. Keep coming back...it works if you work it! I also repeat over and over "I didn't cause it, I can't control it & I can't cure it" I think that's my new motto!
More (((HUGS)). I wish you and your family peace and happiness and maybe we will live to see the day that the vicious cycle in our families is broken.
(((((HUGE HUGS)))) Uncle Lou. Congratulations on your steps to recovery!!!
BTW love the name...It's my oldest son's nick name
Why is it that I am attracted to those who struggle with alcholism? I hear your story and I just want to reach out to you and comfort you somehow. I think this is directly related to the "vicious cycle" I spoke of. For some reason I am attracted to those in need. Who knows, maybe that is my calling in this world? I love helping people & love helping other people find comfort. I also am into psychology and thrive on figuring out why we think the way we do and what makes us think that way.
I see myself in your ex-wife. That is really scary huh?
I could see myself in a relationship with another alcoholic down the road. That is even scarier! There is something in me that is attracted to alcoholics. Don't know what it is or why I am like that, I just know that it's something deep inside of me.
I attend F2F alanon meetings and the AA meeting is accross the hall in the other room at the same time. I see a room full of alcholics and radar goes off inside of me. I want to bring immediate comfort to everyone in that room. I want to approach them all, hug them and give them some relief. Even scarier is something in me is super attracted to the males in the meetings. I feel like I have a connection with each and every one of them! The only thing I can think of is that I have this deep desire to help other people or maybe I am just so sick with this disease it creates this illusion that I need to be with an alcoholic to feed a sick need that I have. Who knows. Wish I did! I can only tell you how I feel.
So maybe your ex-wife is really sick herself. Maybe she is not recovering from this disease. I think I have read before that she has attended al anon and has worked her program? Is she still working it? Sounds like she might need Al anon now more than ever. Unfortunately you know that there is not much you can do about that. She has to hit bottom herself. She has to realize what's going on here and why she's making the decisions she is. Maybe she doesn't want to be with someone who is not an alcoholic. Maybe she sees you recovering and she knows how great you are doing, yet she still thrives on relationships with active alcoholics hence her relationship with her current boyfriend who is known to have substance abuse problems.
Denial is absolutely positively NOT limited to alcholics. I have lived in denial practically my whole life. It got worse when I married my A and lived in direct contact with an A. I subconciously knew he was an A from the time we met yet I didn't accept and realize on a concious level that he was/is an A until 3 months ago. If that isn't denial I don't know what is!
It sounds as though your ex-wife might be living in a similar state. I know if my husband and I were to divorce it would take a conscious, active effort to keep myself from getting in a relationship with another A. That is really hard to understand and comprehend considering all of the hell I've gone through with my A! I can hardly fathom how it could even be a remote possibility for me to end up with another alcoholic. I just know that it would definitely be a possibility b/c I have a huge magnetic attraction to them for whatever reason.
Know that the choices your ex-wife makes are not something you can control. It's so hard watching someone you love make bad decisions. That's part of letting go. You have to give up all sense of control and ownership of the decisions she's making today in order for you to find peace and hapiness. Keep working on yourself. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job in recovery! If you take the focus off of her and put it on yourself I think you will be much happier. Keep praying for her. I am praying for you and for your strength to let go and focus on healing yourself. Keep coming back...It works if you work it!
-BStrong
Hi strong, I too wonder if it has been studied, not that a study would change things one way or the other. This is my first experience with an alcoholic, guess you could say I'm a "first generation". There is nobody in my family at all who is alcoholic, but here I am married to one. Of the 6 children in his family, he's the only one. His mother freely admits "if I didn't go to church I'd probably be an alcoholic cause I like the taste". Anyway, I'm praying every day that our "first generation" doesn't carry on down the line. My 18 year old son does not touch alcohol and never has (thank you HP). Don't know if it's because he sees what it is doing to his dad, or if he's like me and just has no interest. Either way, I'll take it. My 13 year old daughter is very much like her dad in personality, so she is the one I will have to watch. Youngest son? Heaven only knows.
Having said that if I am ever free of this man, I know without a doubt that it will be a cold day in hell that I ever take up with a man who drinks any alcohol.
Thanks for listening.
Congrats uncle Lou on your sobriety.
Bonnie