My spouse has been sober for 9 days. Every day is STILL a battle between us. We will have one great day and the then next day is horrible. It's like my emotions are on a roller coaster and I want to be his wife some days and the next I think there is no way I can survive a lifetime relationship with him.

My main issue is how he is completely consumed with himself. He has always been selfish and I feel he will always be. I am such a giver and it's so hard for me to understand how he can be so totally and completely consumed with himself. I know it's typical behavior for alcoholics but I just can't grasp the idea. I admit that I don't completely understand the disease although I read and study every day. I try and educate myself on it so I know what it is he's dealing with. Is there a good book that would help me to better understand the disease and what he's going through? 

I was hoping some of you who are going through dealing with a spouse recently in recovery or have gone through this stage could share some words of wisdom on getting through. I am currently working on step 1 but for the life of me I can't seem to get past it. I have accepted that my life is unmanagable but I haven't admitted that I am powerless over alcohol(completely).

I have the book on Recovery and I read through Step 1 every day yet there is something that's just not "clicking". I have read that it takes some people months to finally work through steps. I see myself being stuck on step 1 ten years down the road Why is it so darn hard to admit that I am powerless over alcohol? I know in my heart that I am powerless over my husband drinking alcohol. Where the problem comes in is my worrying and anxiety over if/when he will have his next drink & any decisions he makes in his life in general. 

I have a control/anxiety issue in general and this is really causing me to struggle with the first step. I am slighty OCD(can you be slightly OCD?? lol) and as I have read through the first step I have learned that I have anxieties/obsessions b/c I cannot control things. I worry myself to death over things I have absolutely no control over and then I find relief in my compulsions. My compulsions happen to be in the form of shopping and eating and I struggle coping with both of those every day. How I would love to surrender my control and free myself of this prison I've been in all these years.

I have read some really great stories on how people let go of not just controlling the alcoholic, but controlling everything in his/her life and how it brings amazing results. I know that when I do let go just a little bit that I feel an amazing sense of relief. I just wish I knew how to let go all together. I pray every day to my HP. I read my recovery book and attend weekly al-anon meetings. What else can I do to help me conquer step one?

Hello  ,  your husband is what i lovingly call Stark Raving Sober,  hehe. this is a difficult time for all, i assume u arent going to meetings f2f , u will need them now more than ever.  Just remember that your not powerful enough to make him drink, and it's not your job to keep him sober.  keep the focus on yourself  and leave his sobritey to him.

Everything u have learned from out literature works in sobriety too, he is and always will be an A just keep working your program .   good luck Louise

wow. I see myself in what you are going through because I'm in pretty much the same place. I've been praying for help with step one and letting go, and also asking others to pray for me as well. today, I did feel I could release myself from my illusion of control a little bit, and the first thing that came out was rage and frustration. Anger at him for not being who I need him to be and sadness that he never will be that man in my head I'm hoping for. ever.     e v e r.

It was very sad for me.

Then the funny thing is that after that went on for a while, I had new and surprising insight. I remembered something from when I was sixteen and it gave me some wisdom. I remembered the last time I KNEW I was satisfied with my life. It was when I was sixteen. One day I was driving down the highway and I remember being very conscious that I had a very good life, good friends, nice boyfriend, job and school and hobbies and car and puppy that I liked, and I looked into the sunset that day and knew that I was happy with everything. And this had not always been true when I was little, so I remember thinking, "finally, things are working out for me. I'm so happy." But then, practically the next day I lost almost everything I'd been happy about and, today I realized that I haven't really allowed myself to enjoy life fully ever since. 

So, after that realization, something told me to let the sixteen year old Eileen look around my house, at my stuff, and listen to my music and play dress up with my clothes and see my art and experience what my life has become today and see what she thought of it. and SHE WAS THRILLED! even my guest bathroom is cooler than her room. When we went in there she wanted to stay in there forever. (giggle) Yep. the way my life is now is WAY better than it was when I was sixteen. Even If I lose this relationship I've been struggling and torturing myself over, its way better, and it has been for years, actually, but I never noticed.

so for me it has been a two part process so far. I'm still working on it and I have a ways to go with step one, but step one with my current relationship with my 'A' has had three phases today: willingness, emotional release, and then new insight.

For me step one stuff has been coming in waves and going through basically that same order every time. I've got a mountain more work to do on it. I'll pray for you about it. I'm also praying for me.

--eileen

-- Edited by eileen at 02:02, 2005-08-30

Your spouse put down the bottle the same day mine did! Step One. Admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives have become unmanageable Actually, to me anyway, reading your post sounds like you ARE doing a step one. I think we can read and study up on the disease till the cows come home, but in reality, we really won't completely understand it. I'm the kind of person that tries to find all the answers, because I think if I know how/why something works the way it does, it is easier for me to handle. The important thing right now is to remember that you are in recovery too. And the only one that you have control over is yourself. I completely understand about the emotional rollercoaster, I go thru that too. We don't get the answers overnight. Our lives don't change instantly...it took a long time to get to where we have gotten, it will take some time to get better. My suggestion to you...keep working your Program. Focus on you and allow him his journey of recovery. Working the Program is hard....and when I am faced w/a difficult situation/day/episode of whatever, sometimes all I can do is keep saying the Serenity Prayer over and over in my head. I can't remember the exact day of the reading last week (they all run together sometimes) but it was talking of not focusing on the outcome, but the process. I know it is hard..believe me, I am in the same boat you are. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep coming back, it works!

Hi...I'm new, and I think this might be my first post here.  I'm struggling with overcoming alcoholism issues in my life - I suspect my h is becoming an A, I have loads of them in family. My parents were both children of As, and I have lots of things to recover from and relearn if I am to operate more effectively - the biggest thing I am learning is that these are MY issues, and worrying about my dh or my parents isn't doing a thing to help me have better, more intimate relationships where I don't run around for cover like a frightened lamb all the time.

I want to thank you all for sharing - I have taken a piece of hope and encouragement from each of you.  I too am having trouble finding my boundries, and learning to let go.  When you have felt there is something you could do to make others happier, it's difficult to let that all go at once, and I think you are doing a good job of starting to work on step one. I'm struggling with you.

Eileen - (I'm Eileen too!) - I love how you are trying to see your life through those 16 yo eyes. I've been miserable for 12 years, and totally can't remember a time I was truly "happy" or "satisfied", but I am going to really think about it. 

SG - It's good to be reminded about being patient with yourself - I think it's easy to feel like, o.k. - now I'm aware of all the crap I've heaped upon myself, and my anger and my rage, hear me roar...So why don't I feel better RIGHT NOW. It's crappy that it doesn't work that way, but I guess it doesn't.

So anyway - I'm glad I found this site, and I'm learning so much already. Eileen the Beez

welcome both Eileens, well 3 really including the 16 yr old. I really treasure the part about looking into the sunset with the happiness of a 16 yr old. Very inspiring.

I remember solid happiness at about age 19- a great cranberry cardigan Mom got me when we went to my college for orientation and how (I thought) it looked so good with jeans LOL and generalized overflowing happiness wearing it as I was walking across snow on the way to class one morning. I shall invite her back. (Wonder whatever happened to that sweater.)

ok gotta go now - gonna search Ebay for a cranberry cardigan

HI, My A recently had 30 days and I feel like you. Not quite sure what to feel and how to react. I do not suppose that I have much wisdom but I certainly know how you are feeling. And for me right now, that is a good thing. I have spent so much time thinking and feeling like no one could possibly understand what I am thinking, feeling etc. It is sooooo helpful to me just to realize I am not alone and any time day or night I can pop on this site and someone will be there who "get's it" Just wanted you to know that you are not alone either. Let the people here help you. I, like you, am at about step .5 because I just cannot seem to let go of it all. I am fully aware that alcohol has made my life unmanageable but... well you know. Now wisdom yet, but trying just like you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, and thanks for making me feel a little less lonely. :) Confused

Wow! Thank you all so much for sharing!

Eileen I love your story about letting the 16 year old Eileen take a look around your life today. Sounds like something I really need to do. Especially since 16 was the last time I felt completely happy as well. I was in high school and went through some tough times and just haven't been the same since. I thought today after reading your post about letting that 16 year old take a peak of my life now. Funny thing is, I'm back with my parents so she'll probably say, OMG how did my life end up like this! Lol. You and I seem to have a lot in common and I really appreciate your post. ((HUGS!))

Welcome to the other Eileen! It's great to see you posting. Those first messages are so hard to post but for me it got easier each time.  Now I am posting away with something like 18 messages, lol. Jump right in and keep coming back!

Louise-I have been going to F2F meetings and boy I don't know where I'd be without them. I know that 3 or 4 days after my last meeting I feel the disease sneaking back up on me. By day 5 or 6 I am usually a total basket case. I really wish I could get to more F2F meetings but I have very little child care here and not a lot of money for a baby sitter. I checked into the meetings with childcare but there are none in this area. That's why I like this site so much! I heal so much when I come here and although it's not always the same as a f2f, it really does me a world of good.

Sg-thanks so much for your post. After much reading and deliberation today I think I might actually be to step 3 How do I flip flop so much? It's so wierd b/c one day I read and think there's no way I'll ever get through step one and the next day I feel like I'm 2 steps ahead. Your post really helped me understand why I thought I was stuck. I knew that my life was/is unmanagable yet I thought I hadn't conquered accepting that I was powerless over alcohol. I knew in my mind that I couldn't control alcohol yet part of me obsessed over and over about when my A would have his next drink. Little did I know that I had actually gotten past that part(at least for now!) and when I reasoned it out in my head I had no doubt I am powerless over alcohol. Why are my thoughts so cloudy sometimes that I can't reason out simple things like that!? Sometimes I look at the steps and they look Chinese to me...other times I think, yeah, got that one down... simple!  Thanks so much for helping me see things clearer! 

Jill-good luck finding that cardigan!

(((CONFUSED))) I too am so glad when one person says, hey I know exactly what you are talking about! It makes me feel a little less crazy So today I feel surrounded by people who somewhat understand. What a great feeling...going from feeling completely alone and isolated to being surrounded with people in similar situations sharing support & encouragement. I love al anon! I'll be thinking of each of you and praying each one of you finds a little(or a lot!) of hope and peace tomorrow. (((HUGS)))

-BStrong

I hope today is going better for you. One thing that I wanted to share w/you is something that my sponsor told me...sometimes we don't do the steps in order. At times it isn't an organized thing. Of course, we all do Steps1-12 in recovery, paying attention to details and progressing along in an orderly fashion. But there are times when one day we may jump back to Step 1 and then maybe jump to another step. Be gentle w/yourself. We never "graduate" from this Program. The Steps, to me, are a reference at times...guidelines if you must. I can't tell you how many times I have been back to Step 1!