My husband refuses to acknowledge his problem.  I work late on Friday nights, and a few weeks ago, I came home (around 8:30), and he was drunk.  I also have 2 childre -ages 6 and 4, that are in his care when I am not there.  He is a wonderful husband and devoted father, but I have realized that he is getting more and more dependant on the alcohol.  When I am being called names, and being told that he doesn't want to be with my anymore because I am no longer "fun" on the weekends.  I decided today that I will not allow this to go on with me and my children.  We were invited to a Labor Day party/birthday party for him at a friends house that is quite far away (and he doesn't like my birthday parties because they are not "fun"), and the liquor is plentiful.... Is it wrong for me to find somewhere else to go with my children, and let him go by himself?  Am I wrong ?

Lost,

I'm not sure if it is right or wrong.  But I have done that many of times.  I let my A go and I go to my side of the family with our kids.  I do not want my kids to be around that kind of drinking.  Funny thing is my A usual agreed with me.  If he drove drunk that was his problem not mine but my kids would not be in the car.  This also avoided than hearing us fight.  When he was drunk he would pick a fight with me only to say sorry in the morning.  Do what you feel is best for you and your kids.

Your friend in recovery NIKKILOU

I just get worried that he will still try to bring one of the kids.  See, he doesn't see anything wrong with this, only me, because I am no fun. I just think my kids need to be kids.  He is going to try to get them to pick what they want, but I feel they are still to young for that kind of decision.  I am really glad that there is this forum, because I feel this will be the worst weekend I have to deal with.

(((((((((Lost)))))))))),

You need to do what you feel is best and the safest for you and your children.

When my "A" wants to go to functions that involve him drinking or maybe getting high, I refuse to go. And he is not allowed to take our children anywhere when he might choose to drink or drug. This is a boundary I will not back down on, because I can not guarantee their safety.

Much Love,

Is there any slow down to this behaviour?  I mean, have any of you noticed if your "A" seems to think twice, or realize that they have a problem that they choose to ignore?  I am afraid of what might happen, and I am sad that he chooses the more fun people over me.

There may be small slow down periods here and there, depends on where he is in the progress of his disease. In general, though, it gets worse. This is a progressive disease, and usually what happens is that when he goes back to drinking hard after a break, he is worse than before. He is not really choosing other people over you. He is choosing to drink, because he can't really believe that there is such a thing as life without drinking. My husband used to do that to me, too - "I've lost my drinking buddy since we've had kids, you've abandoned me". Don't let him guilt you or blame you - he makes his choices, and you make yours. You need to do what you feel you must to protect yourself and the kids. A good line ot draw is that you will not let the kids ride with him when he has been drinking, because most dads will agree to that, if you talk to them about it when they are sober, and if you are not judgmental about his drinking, just about the drinking and driving with kids in the car. However, you alone know what you can live with and what you can't and also you know him, and what he is likely to agree to. Nagging him and fighting about his drinking is a waste of time, and poisons your relationship without doing one little bit of good. Focus on your own behaviour instead of his - I think going off and doing what you want while he is partying is a very good idea, personally. It is what kept my sanity. Sitting at home and thinking "He's off partying and I'm here lonely and sad" is what will make you crazy. You can have a good life whether he is drinking or not, but, since you can't change him, you will probably have to make some changes to yourself. Good luck, you're in the right place.

I just told my husband that for the first time since we had our kids(or have been together), myself and my children will not be with him.  He took it very well.  He infact just asked that  if he found a babysitter, if I would still go.  I told him no.  While I explained to him earlier that we would not be going, I told him that I wasn't doing it to hurt him, but that I wanted my children not to be exposed to this anymore.  I don't want to be exposed to this anymore.

He tells me that he doesn't get drunk every day.  I know this, I tell him, but when we go out, it is top priority that he does.  I can't have the kids asking questions that I don't want to answer.  He tells me they don't.... I tell them they do.

I tell him that if this is what he wants to do, then go (calmly), I can't stop him.  He then tells me that plans that we have been making for him and I to do stuff by ourselves together, we aren't anymore.  I don't answer, I just do the dishes. 

I guess there are going to be sacrificies.  Our plans do not entail being anywhere near a bar, but I guess he wants to change my mind.  I won't.  Sanity, I hope will be my guide.  I am going to be awfully lonely Sunday. :(

The thing I have learned the most in the past year has been about setting boundaries and sticking to them.  Do what is best for you!  At first you will get some flack but you will begin to find yourself again.

Hugs Mary

It would be irresponsible to leave your children with anyone else than a sane and sober person that knows how to keep the kids safe and responsible well fed and cared well for them.  In other words you are on the RIGHT track.  And if this marriage is ending see a lawyer and talk about temporary custodial rights for you immediately before he gets the idea to hold on to the kids for some alcoholic reason.  I have heard the first to file for temporary custody usually gets it with no hope of changing that until you go before a judge and that can be a long drawn out process.   Keep you and your children safe physically and emotionally.

Laura 

When he says that you are not fun that is the disease talking. He doesn't feel good about himself so he takes it out on you. I never thought that my husband wanted to go anywhere with me so we did a lot of things separately.

Above all put your children in a good place. Stand you ground even if it hard. Have a good time without him (and that drives them crazy that you can actually have a good time without them).

In support,

Nancy

It just seems to be an never ending battle.  My husband has been awfully quite (as he has the past 5 days now), and this morning he woke me up before he left for work, telling me that I need to think of the next step, and he doesn't think this is going to work.

The scare tactics, the mean things he is saying, it makes me cry (but not in front of him-noooo way).  Can somebody be this willing to let our marriage go away for a few nights a week of inuberation?   I think I am more lost than ever.  I know that what I am doing is right, and the positive attitude that I am getting from family and you all here has been keeping me going.  I feel, however, that I should let his parents know, because they will be highly offended by his actions.  I don't want people to turn against him-I want them to help me help him.

I just think that he is afraid of losing his "friends" (liquid and other wise), and what people will think of him if he doesn't drink.  I have told him many times that I married the man that didn't drink, not the drinker.  He doesn't understand that.  This guy is pretty thick if you ask me.

I know that divorce is not the answer, and I feel that he doesn't understand that I am trying to take the kids and myself out of the situation, not taking us away from him.  I can tell he was pretty hurt by what I said to him last night, but I didn't think he would threaten divorce.