I just feel a need of letting you know, that your presence in the chat-room matters a lot to me. Thank you, those of you, that have listened to my pain these last few days. It is very hard to feel the feelings and open up. At least I surrendered to the thought that I really belong in the program.

I am acoa, both parents are A's. My mom is very ill from it and I haven't heard from her in almost a year. Hopefully I'll get to have a real life talk to her, before she leaves this life. Problem is she's still using drugs and drinking so we'll see what happens. I want to know more of my past, of what really happened. I don't have any good memories and so many years are just "gone". My dad was the abusive one, with words and also physically, altho thank god no sexual abuse.

I have tried so long to make it on my own. It seems the face masks are no longer working. I am depressed and have felt no joy in life. I carry a lot of guilt and anger. I loose my temper and my 4 yr old son is really testing my feelings. I think of myself as a a bad person. And try to convince everyone that I am not good.

I am afraid of everything that is hidden within me. All the feelings. Thinking I have been thru my childhood once, when I first came to alanon in -97. I am seeking help now to save my kids from ending up where I am.

I also fear I have a problem with drinking. As for now I have decided to not take the risk, and stopped. Not saying I am necessarily and A. Because I am really not sure. It could be the stress I am in.

I feel guilty when sharing, for taking time for ME. There is no me. I don't know who I am, what I want or what will make me happy. I just know I can't look for things from the outside to make me happy.   Had a few eye-openers this week.

Right now I will try to live it day by day. Starting counselling, and hopefully will make it to a meeting. But in all honesty, I want to shut that door again, and keep on doing it my way. I don't want it to hurt. But also, will do this for my kids. Then in the long run, maybe I've done it for myself too.

So, I'll keep coming back. And please know I love you in my own special way. This is saving my life and for that I am forever greatful.

love,

Allie

 

Allie,

Thanks for sharing your courage with us.  This program is not always the "easy" way and it takes a lot sometimes not to "shut that door again" as you said.

As for the help in the chat room....thank YOU for letting us be there.  I heard something yesterday that really touched me and made me think about the "giving back" part of al-anon.  We all have heard of the Dead Sea but I had never been told "why" the Dead Sea is dead.  The Jordan Rivers and other water bodies flow into the dead sea but they never flow out.  The salt content of the Dead Sea is 5 times that of other oceans.  The water is "stagnant" and for that reason the Dead Sea is able to support very little life.  It's DEAD because of the water that flows in and never flows out.  This is an illustration of our own lives.  We're given these Al-anon gifts by our HP.  We can keep them to ourselves and become stagnant OR we can give them away and support life!

Thanks, my friend, for allowing us to share our experience, strength, and hope with you so that we aren't stagnant but LIVING in Al-anon.

Much Love,

Regina aka Txmom

hi (((allie)))

so glad u've found your way to alanon, you are in the right place and there's lots of love and support on this board and in the chatroom.  I can relate to not knowing "who i am" b/c i gave myself away to what i thought others wanted of me.  Working the alanon program has given me the steps and tools to finding myself again, so keep coming back.  It works if you work it and you're worth it!

and Txmom..i LOVED that analogy of the dead sea!  I often feel stuck in the mud and it's usually b/c i'm holding onto something for too long...so thank you for that :)

Love, Christine

 

Allie,

I'm certainly glad that you are realizing you can’t do this yourself.  As others here have said, that's a huge first step.  What I have found truly beneficial in learning new tools to handle my feelings and better management my life, I've come to realize not only these online meetings, this message board and my "Courage To Change" book are powerful.  In addition there seems to be, for me, an individual whose wisdom seems to smack on target more times then not.  The message board person's name is Phil.  Seek some of those postings, and hopefully you too will see areas that you needed to hear addressed as I know I  have. 

Love in healing,

Peggy7

     

 

Welcome, glad to hear that this place is helping you. I don't go to the chat board, glad to meet you now. I found counselling very helpful - it pointed me in directions that I needed to go, and gave me a safe place to just say all the things that nobody else really wants to hear - I guess I felt "I'm paying my therapist, she can darn well just sit and listen to this!" Face to face meetings are also very nice, meetings here are helpful when you can't get to f2f, but really, nothing replaces just being in the same room with people who will not judge you. Also they are a good place to get alanon literature - there will be some to buy there, and some for free, and usually some to borrow, to see what helps you most.