My daughter, 40, single, lived for a while with a woman friend she adored. Drinking led to conflict and eventually ejection from this woman's home. I provided a roof over Caroline's head. She is sensitive with low self-esteem. Her drinking is pretty well constant, she drives me to bad temper, alternating with pity, and I now get help from Al-anon. The main problem now is that having encouraged her to find a flat of her own, I just don't feel I can abandon her to living alone with the pain she's going through. I want to "be there for her" and put up with the aggro., and rely on al-anon to keep me balanced and coping. Her depression and drinking have got so much worse since we've all been helping her move her stuff and set up her flat. I thought letting her stay at my house was "enabling", but now I feel that pushing her out to a place of her own is even more enabling. I don't think she'll survive. She has not got over leaving the house where she was so happy, where she loved the garden, her own litle room etc. She has only bitterness, hopelessness, self-hatred and a desire not to live because it's too painful etc.
Can you offer advice?
abbyal said
Aug 28, 2005
Hello Annie , am sorry u are having such a rough time right now , the alcoholic has to hit thier bottom and allowing them the dignity to do it thier way is difficult for us. This is an oportunity for her to see her life exactly the way it is. And an oportunity for you to work on yourself. she is an adult and will do what she has to do. We cannot save them from them selves.
If you have our ODAT - try reading page on July 14th for me it had the answers to my dilema of loving a alcoholic, I used it like a map of how to stop the insanity. do what it says to the best of your ability and you will begin to feel better about your decission. Your life matters too.
Step aside and allow her the dignity to choose her own path. Detach with love and get your life back on track. someone has to get off this damn roller coaster to create change. I have learned that if I am going to do what I have always done, i am going to get what I have always got. I always forgot that my A had a Higher Power too and it wasn't me.
good luck Louise
kimmie said
Aug 28, 2005
Annie you can still help her from a distance. Just call her often and invite her for dinner. Maybe go there a lot if it's not too far away. I go to my parents house all the time. And they come here. Just because she lives alone doesnt mean she has to be lonely. Stay active in her life, thats all you can do. It's not your responsibility to disrupt your life to make hers easier. She's an adult. Just tell her to call you if she needs anything and be avaliable to her. You can do that from a distance.
sanddie said
Aug 28, 2005
Hi Anniegran:
I feel your pain, as I have a 17-year old daughter who has a medical condition and recently threw alcohol into it, which could potentially be fatal for her if this progresses, particularly because her medical condition is a seizure-disorder. I had to let her make some difficult decisions and choices that included her no longer living at home with me-- she refuses to possibly increase her medication to help treat with the emotional/behavorial problems she faces. She is 17-years old at 4th-6th grade academically, insisting that she can do things on her own--- Although, I feel I know differently, I let her go because what I began to realize is that I am NOT God and as long as I continue to act as if I am God in wanting to protect her and care for her as if I REALLY have some control over it that God cannot really bless me because I'm trying to take on His role for her life. I am NOT a savior, nor is anyone else and we can love our children, family or any other sick person in our life, but ultimately is it their consequence and relationship that needs to be developed with God.
Some of the most difficult lessons and circumstances that we are faced with are ultimately the ones that turn our lives around-- without the pain to deal with and having to face consequences, we never learn. I've been there so I know. Without being held accountable for our own actions we will continue to feel as if we are a victim and everyone else needs to take care of us. We don't ever feel empowered to find a way to survive and turn to God for our needs, pains, and life.
I let my daughter go.... Why? Because I trust God completely (WHATEVER HIS PLAN IS FOR HER LIFE) I am willing to accept the worst if that be His plan. I pray each day it is not though. However, it is not up to me NOR is it about me, her, you or anyone else. It IS However, all about Him. :) Once we accept that we can have internal peace knowing that everything is happening EXACTLY as it should be.
Your daughter is 40-years old.. Definitely not a child and no longer your responsibility, but Gods..... Isn't it time for her to learn from Him? There comes a point as parents we have to let go to allow our children to learn their own individuality and in doing so, they'll be both good and bad outcomes.
Take Care and my prayers are with you.
-- Edited by sanddie at 09:57, 2005-08-28
Dolphin123 said
Aug 28, 2005
((((((((((((((Annie)))))))))))))),
My "A" is my husband and he has often told me that as painful as it is to watch him fall, I have to because that is the only way he will learn how to pick himself up.
My daughter, 40, single, lived for a while with a woman friend she adored. Drinking led to conflict and eventually ejection from this woman's home. I provided a roof over Caroline's head. She is sensitive with low self-esteem. Her drinking is pretty well constant, she drives me to bad temper, alternating with pity, and I now get help from Al-anon. The main problem now is that having encouraged her to find a flat of her own, I just don't feel I can abandon her to living alone with the pain she's going through. I want to "be there for her" and put up with the aggro., and rely on al-anon to keep me balanced and coping. Her depression and drinking have got so much worse since we've all been helping her move her stuff and set up her flat. I thought letting her stay at my house was "enabling", but now I feel that pushing her out to a place of her own is even more enabling. I don't think she'll survive. She has not got over leaving the house where she was so happy, where she loved the garden, her own litle room etc. She has only bitterness, hopelessness, self-hatred and a desire not to live because it's too painful etc.
Can you offer advice?
Hello Annie , am sorry u are having such a rough time right now , the alcoholic has to hit thier bottom and allowing them the dignity to do it thier way is difficult for us. This is an oportunity for her to see her life exactly the way it is. And an oportunity for you to work on yourself. she is an adult and will do what she has to do. We cannot save them from them selves.
If you have our ODAT - try reading page on July 14th for me it had the answers to my dilema of loving a alcoholic, I used it like a map of how to stop the insanity. do what it says to the best of your ability and you will begin to feel better about your decission. Your life matters too.
Step aside and allow her the dignity to choose her own path. Detach with love and get your life back on track. someone has to get off this damn roller coaster to create change. I have learned that if I am going to do what I have always done, i am going to get what I have always got. I always forgot that my A had a Higher Power too and it wasn't me.
good luck Louise
Hi Anniegran:
I feel your pain, as I have a 17-year old daughter who has a medical condition and recently threw alcohol into it, which could potentially be fatal for her if this progresses, particularly because her medical condition is a seizure-disorder. I had to let her make some difficult decisions and choices that included her no longer living at home with me-- she refuses to possibly increase her medication to help treat with the emotional/behavorial problems she faces. She is 17-years old at 4th-6th grade academically, insisting that she can do things on her own--- Although, I feel I know differently, I let her go because what I began to realize is that I am NOT God and as long as I continue to act as if I am God in wanting to protect her and care for her as if I REALLY have some control over it that God cannot really bless me because I'm trying to take on His role for her life. I am NOT a savior, nor is anyone else and we can love our children, family or any other sick person in our life, but ultimately is it their consequence and relationship that needs to be developed with God.
Some of the most difficult lessons and circumstances that we are faced with are ultimately the ones that turn our lives around-- without the pain to deal with and having to face consequences, we never learn. I've been there so I know. Without being held accountable for our own actions we will continue to feel as if we are a victim and everyone else needs to take care of us. We don't ever feel empowered to find a way to survive and turn to God for our needs, pains, and life.
I let my daughter go.... Why? Because I trust God completely (WHATEVER HIS PLAN IS FOR HER LIFE) I am willing to accept the worst if that be His plan. I pray each day it is not though. However, it is not up to me NOR is it about me, her, you or anyone else. It IS However, all about Him. :) Once we accept that we can have internal peace knowing that everything is happening EXACTLY as it should be.
Your daughter is 40-years old.. Definitely not a child and no longer your responsibility, but Gods..... Isn't it time for her to learn from Him? There comes a point as parents we have to let go to allow our children to learn their own individuality and in doing so, they'll be both good and bad outcomes.
Take Care and my prayers are with you.
-- Edited by sanddie at 09:57, 2005-08-28
((((((((((((((Annie)))))))))))))),
My "A" is my husband and he has often told me that as painful as it is to watch him fall, I have to because that is the only way he will learn how to pick himself up.
Much Love,