I've never posted before but I just don't know where to go. I fairly new to alanon and have gone to a few f2f meetings and have spent quite a few hours at the chat room. I have talked to some great people who have made me feel a lot better. But these past few days have been tough. I'm not sure if it just my frustration of dealing with my A all the time, I spent a lot of the summer away from him. I'm not sure if it the kids going back to school or just stress of life.... or hormones. Ususally I can pull myself out of these moods fairly quicky but it isn't happening. I listen at the chat rooms and sometimes give advice. It makes me feel real good at times. At times I think that I really don't have it that bad compared to others. But everyone has thier own problems and I really can't compare. I've been through abuse as a child, both physical and metal, which I delt with a few years ago. Now I have to deal with my husband and his drinking. Sometimes I see him and I just despise him and everything about him. I hate how he treats me and the kids and I know it is't healthy for anyone, including him. If I am alone with him and he isn't drinking things usually are ok. Everyone tells me wait 6 months before I make any decisions.... I just don't know what to do.... I'm lost and somewhat scared. Any advise would be appreciated. Thanks

Hi there

All I can say is that if you keep on going to meetings and reading books then I hope things will become clearer for you-Have you read the literature on Detachment??  It helps me so much and I say the serenity prayer A LOT when things are going crazy.  And talk to my HP when I want to figure things out or just express my gratitude for things in my life.  It calms me down so much.  And I read the boards everyday and see if I can offer something to someone.

When I first started things seemed very bleak....But sometimes now I can see the rainbows and the birds and the sunsets and my children's smiles and even look at my husband with compassion instead of hate.  It is so much better.

Just know that I AM HERE FOR YOU  as all of the people on this board are. 

You are welcome and wanted and desrve to be happy.  Only you can do what is best for you and nobody knows your situation better than you do.  I hope you can find your happiness

Love in Alanon

Julie D.

Julie is right, as you spend time in the program, working on your end of things, and thinking less about his, things will become a bit clearer. Use the phone, if you can. The people in your f2f group will be glad to talk to you, and sometimes tha between meeting contact really helps.

Sandie Around here sad, lonely and frustrated is the norm, you're in the right place. I remember feeling that way, I kept working my program, going to meetings and coming here and little by little things got better. Not perfect mind you, but better. Just know that you are not alone. Venting here really does help. You may want to try several different face to face meetings. They are all different and you're bound to connect to one group. Taking time for yourself and enjoying even a small part of the day doing something that gives you joy. It may hard at first to make that happen but it is sooooo important. That and keeping your kids away from the insanity will keep you busy. I found that the busier I stayed the better I felt. One Day at a Time Whitie

Thank you for your advice. I have not read any literature on detachment. Where would I find it and do you have any suggestions on what literature? I am hoping today will be a new day and I can get over whatever is getting me down. I know I can overcome but sometimes it takes time. I just get scared sometimes because I never was good at being good to myself. I went to a step meeting on Wednesday and it was on step 8, about who I have hurt. It made me think. One of the worst people I have hurt is myself both psychologically and physically. I don't want to do that anymore but sometimes it is hard to change old habits! I am trying though. I have not had a chance to get to the chat room as much as I would like because my kids have been on the computer and I feel funny doing it a lot in front of them. I have only made it to 1 group in f2f meeting, which I have gone to about 4 times. The rest of the meetings are at night around here and that is harder for me. If I called someone in the f2f meeting, which i do have a memebers list, I wouldn't know what to say. How do I start? And I wouldn't want to just gripe to them.... what do I say? I am willing but unsure how to go about it. I willl try to be better to myself and try to take time out for me today. I am grateful for so much, one thing being I found this site and the chat room. There are many things in my life that are good and I will begin reminding myself of them when I get down. Thanks you for your advice and I will keep you updated.

Hi Sandie, In in UK, so it may not be quite the same set up here regarding literature. The leaflet on detachment is usually available to buy at f2f meetings (it only costs a few pennies). Also, here, you can buy it from the general service office, so look online for address in USA. I found it very hard to phone alanon friends in the beginning. My daughter is my A, and most of the others seemed to be married to As. Then, one day, someone rang me - I was astonished, had imagined that I was the least recovered person in the world. After that phonecall, I realised something - by speaking Alanon, by trying hard to just listen and keep myself strictly to the program, it helped me every bit as much as I hope it helped the caller. So, just wanted to say, don't be afraid to reach out - it may help - or you can take what you liked and leave the rest! Good luck with everything, as the others have said,if you keep going to meetings, read the literature, and try, little by little, to apply the alanon ideas, things will get better. Lots of love, Flora xxxx

The thing about reaching out to other members - they are not just some strangers off the street , they are in this program because they are in the same boat as you. Sometimes you may call someone and the timing isn't good, but don't be discouraged, you benfit yourself by reaching out, even if their is not much response that particular time. Isolation is one of our biggest problems, we hide because we are ashamed, because our A makes it hard for us to have friends, etc... Any act of reaching out reminds us that there are others out there like us, and we are not alone. AS for the Literature, next time you are at a meeting, ask. We have all kinds of stuff, either for sale, for free, or to borrow, and your meeting must have it too. They may not put it all out, though, Just ask. The detachment thing that is spoken of here, is just a little slip of paper like a book mark, but it has saved many of us, believe me.

Thanks for being so honest and open. Admitting what you are feeling is a start. Have you done much with boundaries? I read that detachment is made possible through boundaries. I have been very sad, lonely and frustrated too about my husband. I try and try to detach but it really comes down to good boundaries to protect yourself and protect other people.

Hope this helps. You are not alone! Keep coming back.

In support,

Nancy

sandy>>>>>>> Everyone tells me wait 6 months before I make any decisions....I just don't know what to do.... I'm lost and somewhat scared.
Any advise would be appreciated. Thanks

 

rosie>>>>>>>>when i first got into recovery, my sponser told ME a year!!!!  "don't do ANYthing major until you have had a year in recovery"   thats what he said....i was incredulous, like "ok, what AM i supposed to do"????  and he said  "work the program...90 meets/90 days...do ALL the literature/journalling/sponser work/group sharing/ the WORKS"......well i took his advice and got another sponser who is lady and easier to catch and basically she said the same thing...working on me is a full time job....the first year is the hardest  because of all the "self learning"  and the "making amends  part"   they were right....i was NOT  healthy enough to make major decisions till i had a YEAR of recovery and a new learned behaviour (applying program tools)  for dealing wilth  life......just keep working it......what you give comes back to you ten fold...........peace ,rosie

There is a wonderful chapter in How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics on Detachment, Love and Forgiveness.  Your ftf group may have this book in stock, you can also find it online here thru the recovery store.  My old ftf had many books displayed at meeting, I would go over to the table after meeting and look at the table of contents in the books and sometimes read a few pages.  Then I started buying them as $ allowed.  I bought many of my books online, used books to save some money.  They were still in very good shape.  Before I got my How Alanon Works book, I shared at my current ftf about a situation I was trying to deal with.  One woman there happened to have a copy of the pages of that chapter on Detachment - they had been studying those pages in another ftf.  She simply gave me her copy of the pages.  It helped until I was able to buy the book myself.  Don't be afraid to speak up and talk about what you need.  I have found that every time I speak up, what I need to hear or see is provided to me.  What to say when you make that first phone call to another ftf member....well, perhaps just say you needed to reach out to someone who understands, that you are lost, sad, lonely, frustrated, that you just needed to talk to someone, and see where the conversation goes from there.  You may have to try several different numbers before you find someone home or someone available to talk.  Thats ok.  Just try.  It's worth it - you're worth it!!  Keep coming back!

Luv, Kis

thank you all for your help. I am feeling better now and have figured out why I was partially so frustrated.. which can lead to the rest. We have an annual "neighborhood party" that we host. I knew that he would get drunk and be a pain and I would get so mad. I was worked up over being anxious over something I could not control. I did start trying regularly saying the serenity prayer.... at least hourly for awhile. It is odd but at the party someone even quoted it. Is that a quote that is strictly alanon/ AA? But I did confront my a and told him that I would not interact with him if he got that way. I did not tell him not to... just how I would deal with it. I knew I could not control him and his actions. As it was the rain put a big damper on the party and things closed down early. He did not get as drunk, obnoxios, or disgusting as usual. I know I have to stop trying to anticipate the future. I know either way I could be easily dissapionted. This time I just drove myself into a depression I had not been in for quite awhile. The day is over and I do feel better. I will be persuing more litterature on detachment. I am going to try to get to some other f2f meeting.... I hope I am able. I am going to try to be good to myself more and hold to and act upon the knowledge that i know it right. I will see about trying to find someone to talk to from the f2f meeting..... don't know if it will work but I'll keep on trying. I know this is a slow process and I need to not expect miracules. I'm trying.... hope I can use my knowledge to not let myself going over the edge again... at least not for awhile. thanks again for the input. Linda