To quote a song..."Oops! I did it again!" and I think I might be a bit mad at myself. Woke up to find my 15 year old had missed the bus, had not tried to wake me to take him to school, had not asked any of the other 3 "adult?" children here to drive him (they all have cars and were home), and doggone-it youngest daughter had forgotten to let her chickens out again. So I go and get dressed while he is letting the chickens out and then off to school we go. I come home and proceed to wash up the dishes from last nights dinner (another chore gone undone by kids) and then make my pot of coffee. I'm mad but trying to calm down and not get madder as I look at toys and socks and stuff laying around that should've been put away. Thinking to myself, okay, after I have my coffee and do my morning puttering around I'll just get a big garbage bag and toss all this stuff in it and stick it in the garage. Then hubby calls. I wasn't going to say anything to him about this morning...but he knows something is up, so dangit I end up spilling the beans and talkin about it makes me kinda mad. He asks me, what were the other 3 doing that they could not have driven him to school. I tell him the oldest boy had just left for work, 2nd son was on computer, and stepdaughter was sitting watching TV. He jumps on the 2nd son being on computer "I thought that was put up so none of them could be on it cause none of them were doing their chores". I begin to explain how 2nd son was doing what he is supposed to do...but get interrupted. It just gets worse from there, cause I am getting madder by the minute, and finally end up snapping and saying some really stupid stuff - the same stuff hubby has always said to me when he is fed up "I don't care anymore, they can all just do whatever the blank they want to do!" and I hang up. Well I sat here thinking. Why did I snap? What is really behind it all? The conclusion I came to is that my judgments are being questioned. That I am always having to defend them. I am the one who is home here all the time to see what is and isn't being done. He is on the road most of the time. I talk with him on the phone, we discuss what the kids are or aren't doing. His daughter calls him and when he tells her she needs to take care of her things, she says "but I am doing it". There's another problem - I have a resentment over that. He talks about being fair to all of them....take the computer for example, how it is "not fair" to let 2nd son use it when he has told his daughter it was put up because no one is doing what they're supposed to. Well, 2nd son is the only one here who is responsible and respectful. He is not leaving things laying around, puts his stuff away, is planning to move out next month, takes care of his bills. He has been spending most of this month over where he is moving to, sleeping there, paying for his own food, etc. Due to all this, I told him he could take the computer out and use it as long as he puts it back up when he is done. Meanwhile, the other ones here...well, same old same old. They partially do what is expected and still have a bad attitude about it. I have tried calling hubby back to apologize for yelling and to explain how I'm feeling, but his cell phone just goes to the voice mail, so I will have to wait until he calls me again. Meanwhile, figured I'd sit here and write this all out, see if it helps me look more at my part and what I can do, and maybe see if anyone else has helpful insights that I'm just not seeing.
Well hubby called just now, says "have you got whatever it was you had stuck up your butt out yet?", I reply, "well it was a long and hard process but I think I did". hahaha Started talking but he is in an area of poor reception and phone kept cutting in and out, so will have to continue discussion when he gets somewhere with better reception. Gonna immerse myself in some alanon now and see if I can get my head in a better place. Thanks for listening.
Luv, Kis
isabela40 said
Aug 25, 2005
Hi Kis,
It is easy to get overwhelmed when you feel like an unpaid maid to THREE adult children and one just about adult (15 year old) who don't carry their share of the load.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you have a lot of work you are responsible for each day, and adult children not only NOT helping but making MORE work for you would drive anyone nuts...especially when there are THREE of them (at least the second son is not too bad you say).
Adult children are very hard to discipline and control, so you feel like you are pleading and nagging them, frustrating...
I am not sure my method I use with daughter would work for you, as I only have one and I am pretty strict disciplinarian, but this is what I did:
When daughter turned 18 I told her that the ONLY thing that had changed around here was that she now had the right to move out if she wanted too...that was it...I was still in charge.
I ALSO reminded her of that scripture that he who does not want to work niether let him eat...so I directly connected doing her assigned chores to eating around here and other "extras". I am not talking about starving a child in her own home, or being the "food police" but I cut out all "extras" and special things I bought that she liked. I started buying her cheapo food at the dollar store like canned La Choy (YUCKO). My focus for her diet went from healthy and yummy to cheapo and enough to survive on.
I stopped buying milk that she likes as she no longer "needed" milk at age 18 and stopped buying juice and coffee and told her to drink water. Instead of lucsious sams club apples I bought bargain basement grocery sour apples for her etc. I eat food she can't stomach like canned salmon, so this was easy to do.
Needless to say I did not have to do this for long. This stage lasted about a week, LOL. I still have to remind her to do her chores at times and remind her of how serious I am willing to be about enforcement and that is all it takes now. She will do it if I ask, and mostly cleans and pikcs up after herself without being reminded.
Hope this helps, you have to take a VERY hard line against adult children. You can't make living at home too comfortable for them so they want to stay forever...then they won't be able to be on their own if they ever have to be (children usually outlive their parents).
I don't skimp on love or affection to my daughter, but the older she gets the more I cut down on things bought for her...again...more insentive to get out there and get a job after high school. She is still in high school due to being behind from her health problems. I had a talk with her and told her that all I am buying for her this year is NEEDED school clothes and supplies and food. She had enough clothes to last her until she finishes high school and gets a job. She CAN earn allowance since she is still in school, and it is very meager ($5.00 a week) and this allowance is tied to doing her chores without being reminded. She must scrimp and save for anything "extra" she wants.
Once she has a job and still lives at home I am going to make her pay me rent of 25% of her income as that is the suggested amount to budget when buying a home. Then I will have her pay ONE of our utility bills for the whole family, probably the cheapest one like the electric bill. I will aslo have her be responsible for buying for, and cooking one meal a week for the family. Again, this helps her to learn how to buget money and keep in mind neccesities. If you have an adult child living at home and you let them use all of their paychecks as discretionary income, you won't help them to learn to budget and they may get in serious debt when on their own.
I learned this from a friend of mine and her parents. They were great parents, have two successful and great responsible kids. My friend admits their training this way helped her to finish college and have the successful job and home she has today. She learned how to budget and save and pay her own way.
Isabela
bob6502 said
Aug 25, 2005
My darling kismet....one of the things I have learned in alanon and child rearing is that you can't do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. Nagging at the irresponsible mutants won't get you anywhere and fighting with the hubby only raises your blood pressure. Remember you have the gift of alanon on your side and you have options. Remember you are also creative and intelligent. Ya don't have to be a snapdragon if you don't want to. This program is all about attitude and choices. Much Love SenoraBob
tea2 said
Aug 25, 2005
(((kismet)))
You are human and you are allowed your feelings too. So sorry for what you are going though now, and what you explained with the ongoing unfairness concerning the step daughter.
Glad to hear you are talking things thru with him and hoping for all the best.
Care and Wishes,
Tea2
lildee said
Aug 26, 2005
Hi Kis,
I also have two teenaged girls. Both are very different. One is quiet and reserved and that other I have no idea what she is. She changes like the wind.
Chores with them is minimalistic. Take care of your rooms, do your laundry, and one sets the table and the other cleans up after dinner.
The older reserved daughter keeps her room fairly clean and does what she has to. While the younger one is a different story. On some days her room can be squeaky clean and on others it looks like a hurricane ran through the room.
PreAlanon days I would be on her constantly to pick up her stuff and put it away. Now what goes on in her room I don't care. If it looks bad and company is coming over I just ignore it and shut the door to her room. The only time I say something is when her junk starts invading my space (the living room or kitchen or bathroom.) Then I stand up for my boundaries. Using boundaries applies not only to the "A's" in our lives but to all those who are in our lives. Boundaries are meant for us to live within a comfort zone of peace and serenity.
Just my thoughts
Love & God Bless
lildee
-- Edited by lildee at 01:09, 2005-08-26
kismetstrand said
Aug 26, 2005
Thank you all for your replies. Some good ideas in there. The 3 older ones are paying rent, we started out at $200 and raised it this past month to $250. If they were to move out with a roommate the cheapest they could possibly find around here would be closer to $400 (for just thier half) so they are still getting quite a deal, not to mention not having to pay any utilities, buy their own food, go to laundromat. They have recently begun buying some groceries...mostly cereal, milk, soda and any snacks they want. I stopped buying soda and snacks a while back as I felt they all took advantage of it. I'd go to get a soda and they'd all be gone. So heck with it. If I buy it now, I put it up in my bedroom. LOL They are required to pay their car insurance, their own gas, and their share of cell phone bill (we have family package). I am still perturbed over the situation with stepdaughters car. It broke down several months ago, she first said she'd have it taken care of July 20th. Hubby allowed her to use his car meanwhile - to go to work, daycare, and store as needed. She takes off and goes to friends, drives an hour into Fresno on days off, just takes advantage. Hubby talked to her again about needing to get her car fixed...made the deal with her that she could use this months (August) rent money to fix car and then make payments to us in future months to pay for August. Here it is August 25 and her car sits there. Gotta understand, hubbys car is the one I'd need to use if my van ever broke down. We also had planned on selling his car so he could buy something else. Lots of wear and tear and mileage being put on his car. New dings on it all the time. Ooooh it just frustrates me!!!
Christy said
Aug 26, 2005
kis,
The last problem is pretty simple IMO. This is how I see it.
As of Aug. 30th, she should pay Augusts rent and hand over the keys or get her car fixed.
If not....she sits. Not your problem. (except for having her there all day)..lol
She will then have to find her own way, if she can't do that..bye-bye. NO pay, No stay :)
To quote a song..."Oops! I did it again!" and I think I might be a bit mad at myself. Woke up to find my 15 year old had missed the bus, had not tried to wake me to take him to school, had not asked any of the other 3 "adult?" children here to drive him (they all have cars and were home), and doggone-it youngest daughter had forgotten to let her chickens out again. So I go and get dressed while he is letting the chickens out and then off to school we go. I come home and proceed to wash up the dishes from last nights dinner (another chore gone undone by kids) and then make my pot of coffee. I'm mad but trying to calm down and not get madder as I look at toys and socks and stuff laying around that should've been put away. Thinking to myself, okay, after I have my coffee and do my morning puttering around I'll just get a big garbage bag and toss all this stuff in it and stick it in the garage. Then hubby calls. I wasn't going to say anything to him about this morning...but he knows something is up, so dangit I end up spilling the beans and talkin about it makes me kinda mad. He asks me, what were the other 3 doing that they could not have driven him to school. I tell him the oldest boy had just left for work, 2nd son was on computer, and stepdaughter was sitting watching TV. He jumps on the 2nd son being on computer "I thought that was put up so none of them could be on it cause none of them were doing their chores". I begin to explain how 2nd son was doing what he is supposed to do...but get interrupted. It just gets worse from there, cause I am getting madder by the minute, and finally end up snapping and saying some really stupid stuff - the same stuff hubby has always said to me when he is fed up "I don't care anymore, they can all just do whatever the blank they want to do!" and I hang up. Well I sat here thinking. Why did I snap? What is really behind it all? The conclusion I came to is that my judgments are being questioned. That I am always having to defend them. I am the one who is home here all the time to see what is and isn't being done. He is on the road most of the time. I talk with him on the phone, we discuss what the kids are or aren't doing. His daughter calls him and when he tells her she needs to take care of her things, she says "but I am doing it". There's another problem - I have a resentment over that. He talks about being fair to all of them....take the computer for example, how it is "not fair" to let 2nd son use it when he has told his daughter it was put up because no one is doing what they're supposed to. Well, 2nd son is the only one here who is responsible and respectful. He is not leaving things laying around, puts his stuff away, is planning to move out next month, takes care of his bills. He has been spending most of this month over where he is moving to, sleeping there, paying for his own food, etc. Due to all this, I told him he could take the computer out and use it as long as he puts it back up when he is done. Meanwhile, the other ones here...well, same old same old. They partially do what is expected and still have a bad attitude about it. I have tried calling hubby back to apologize for yelling and to explain how I'm feeling, but his cell phone just goes to the voice mail, so I will have to wait until he calls me again. Meanwhile, figured I'd sit here and write this all out, see if it helps me look more at my part and what I can do, and maybe see if anyone else has helpful insights that I'm just not seeing.
Well hubby called just now, says "have you got whatever it was you had stuck up your butt out yet?", I reply, "well it was a long and hard process but I think I did". hahaha Started talking but he is in an area of poor reception and phone kept cutting in and out, so will have to continue discussion when he gets somewhere with better reception. Gonna immerse myself in some alanon now and see if I can get my head in a better place. Thanks for listening.
Luv, Kis
Hi Kis,
It is easy to get overwhelmed when you feel like an unpaid maid to THREE adult children and one just about adult (15 year old) who don't carry their share of the load.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you have a lot of work you are responsible for each day, and adult children not only NOT helping but making MORE work for you would drive anyone nuts...especially when there are THREE of them (at least the second son is not too bad you say).
Adult children are very hard to discipline and control, so you feel like you are pleading and nagging them, frustrating...
I am not sure my method I use with daughter would work for you, as I only have one and I am pretty strict disciplinarian, but this is what I did:
When daughter turned 18 I told her that the ONLY thing that had changed around here was that she now had the right to move out if she wanted too...that was it...I was still in charge.
I ALSO reminded her of that scripture that he who does not want to work niether let him eat...so I directly connected doing her assigned chores to eating around here and other "extras". I am not talking about starving a child in her own home, or being the "food police" but I cut out all "extras" and special things I bought that she liked. I started buying her cheapo food at the dollar store like canned La Choy (YUCKO). My focus for her diet went from healthy and yummy to cheapo and enough to survive on.
I stopped buying milk that she likes as she no longer "needed" milk at age 18 and stopped buying juice and coffee and told her to drink water. Instead of lucsious sams club apples I bought bargain basement grocery sour apples for her etc. I eat food she can't stomach like canned salmon, so this was easy to do.
Needless to say I did not have to do this for long. This stage lasted about a week, LOL. I still have to remind her to do her chores at times and remind her of how serious I am willing to be about enforcement and that is all it takes now. She will do it if I ask, and mostly cleans and pikcs up after herself without being reminded.
Hope this helps, you have to take a VERY hard line against adult children. You can't make living at home too comfortable for them so they want to stay forever...then they won't be able to be on their own if they ever have to be (children usually outlive their parents).
I don't skimp on love or affection to my daughter, but the older she gets the more I cut down on things bought for her...again...more insentive to get out there and get a job after high school. She is still in high school due to being behind from her health problems. I had a talk with her and told her that all I am buying for her this year is NEEDED school clothes and supplies and food. She had enough clothes to last her until she finishes high school and gets a job. She CAN earn allowance since she is still in school, and it is very meager ($5.00 a week) and this allowance is tied to doing her chores without being reminded. She must scrimp and save for anything "extra" she wants.
Once she has a job and still lives at home I am going to make her pay me rent of 25% of her income as that is the suggested amount to budget when buying a home. Then I will have her pay ONE of our utility bills for the whole family, probably the cheapest one like the electric bill. I will aslo have her be responsible for buying for, and cooking one meal a week for the family. Again, this helps her to learn how to buget money and keep in mind neccesities. If you have an adult child living at home and you let them use all of their paychecks as discretionary income, you won't help them to learn to budget and they may get in serious debt when on their own.
I learned this from a friend of mine and her parents. They were great parents, have two successful and great responsible kids. My friend admits their training this way helped her to finish college and have the successful job and home she has today. She learned how to budget and save and pay her own way.
Isabela
My darling kismet....one of the things I have learned in alanon and child rearing is that you can't do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. Nagging at the irresponsible mutants won't get you anywhere and fighting with the hubby only raises your blood pressure. Remember you have the gift of alanon on your side and you have options. Remember you are also creative and intelligent. Ya don't have to be a snapdragon if you don't want to. This program is all about attitude and choices. Much Love SenoraBob
(((kismet)))
You are human and you are allowed your feelings too.
So sorry for what you are going though now, and what you explained with the ongoing unfairness concerning the step daughter.
Glad to hear you are talking things thru with him and hoping for all the best.
Care and Wishes,
Tea2
Hi Kis,
I also have two teenaged girls. Both are very different. One is quiet and reserved and that other I have no idea what she is. She changes like the wind.
Chores with them is minimalistic. Take care of your rooms, do your laundry, and one sets the table and the other cleans up after dinner.
The older reserved daughter keeps her room fairly clean and does what she has to. While the younger one is a different story. On some days her room can be squeaky clean and on others it looks like a hurricane ran through the room.
PreAlanon days I would be on her constantly to pick up her stuff and put it away. Now what goes on in her room I don't care. If it looks bad and company is coming over I just ignore it and shut the door to her room. The only time I say something is when her junk starts invading my space (the living room or kitchen or bathroom.) Then I stand up for my boundaries. Using boundaries applies not only to the "A's" in our lives but to all those who are in our lives. Boundaries are meant for us to live within a comfort zone of peace and serenity.
Just my thoughts
Love & God Bless
lildee
-- Edited by lildee at 01:09, 2005-08-26
kis,
The last problem is pretty simple IMO. This is how I see it.
As of Aug. 30th, she should pay Augusts rent and hand over the keys or get her car fixed.
If not....she sits. Not your problem. (except for having her there all day)..lol
She will then have to find her own way, if she can't do that..bye-bye. NO pay, No stay :)
Christy