Holding on to anger, resentment, and a "poor me" attitude is not an option for me today. Growing up with two alcoholic parents created many painful memories. However, until I was able to let go of my past by forgiving my parents, I was unable to enjoy the present.
3######ROSIE....ok, i have been in recovery 18 months going on 19 and up until now i almost ALWAYS focused on the perp on my "hope for today" or "language of letting go" and also the "courage to change" entries.....i talked about the "freak" almost as much as i did me...i felt like i was juxtaposed with this manure and you know what????? as i listen to my casette tapes of love for me in MY OWN voice...made by ME....loving statements that are teh TRUTH about me, the REAL description of me....i see that i DEFEATED him!!! i BEAT him!!!! i am the sucess here.....i WON!!!! ..he is OUT of my life...i am replacing the hate/resentment for "it" with love/acceptance of ME...... so guess what??? i don't have to think about the REAL loser in this equation, i can NOW think of the winner!!! ME!!!!! .....however i had a mother too, and she was an alcoholic....up to now i never talked about her because i was SOO "in to my hate/cursing of the perp" he took center stage......well THAT is over now!!!! so this entry is about the OTHER parent i had!!!! my mother who had the GOD awful misfortune of marrying what she did AND as a result of that fatal choice, she ended up drinking herself to death, i am SURE, because she couldn't forgive her self for enabling him to hurt me so badly....she couldn't look at her self .....so this "hope for today" message will be about HER....and reading the top paragraph is so true....until i was able to SEE what really happened with her, i was in bondage!!!! i was a slave to my hate...this program showed me what alcoholism really is...it is , yes, a choice, but these people are really addicted to it...just like ANY adiction, it gets its claws into you and you can't get free on your own power....but with the help of this program and the HP, i know my mother could have because where do you think i got my "fighting spirit???" my guts??? my character???? it HAD to have come from her...and look at what happend to her???? i think drinking herself to death is payment ENOUGH for what she did....not to mention the karma she had to work out after she left --- i somewhere a few months ago....the "impossible" happend!!!! i was ABLE to forgive her...i was ABLE to "let her go"... i was ABLE to stop hating/resenting her too.....AND i can even muster up some pity for her......with the "predator" i AM/ CAN/ DID take my hands off and allow god's hands on....END of story about him.....but her??? i know she did not grow up, dreaming that she would become a hopless alcoholic married to pure evil and end up dying from her disease and from her shame/guilt....i can be CERTAIN that she had hopes/dreams like any other young and beautiful girl....she was naive/ innocent/ WAY to trusting and she was no match for what she would marry at the age of 24....
Among Al-Anon's many healing tools, I found learning about alcoholism as a disease and how it affects families to be particularly helpful. It enabled me to see my parents in a different light.
#####ROSIE...yep, she had a disease.......it is true, she had a choice...drink or don't drink....get into AA or not get into AA...but who knows what was going on in HER head, i can only look into MY head, and work on ME.....i am sure the woman hated herself for this "state of mind" she was in ...i remember her going to AA a couple of times, and perhaps it would have worked, who knows, if she had had someone other than the perp who used to FORCE her to drink with him so she would be more "compliant" when he wanted to be the deviant he was.....i guess she "numbed out" with it like i used to get "high" on my beer and tranquilizers.....the alcohol was HER escape...it was HER respite from her life.....she , i KNOW, used it to be able to stand her own life.....perhaps that is why she DIDN"T want to be able to , through program , get sober and stay sober....she did NOT want to be free from her "escaping tool" and for that, i can feel SOME pity for the lady
Today I know they were *unwilling* victims of the disease of alcoholism. I have no doubt that had they been given a choice, neither of my parents would have picked up that first drink and continued on such destructive paths.
#######ROSIE....for her, she was innocent NON drinking american indian girl, who married a degenerate.....he forced her to drink with him, and yes, she was an unwilling victim first to him and second to the alcohol....at some point in her life she "gave up" and decided that it was a good tool to "numb out" the horrendous pain she must have felt....what she did to me/ my siblings was reprehensible--- INexcusable-- but on the same breath i can say in a way--- "she couldn't save herself, how in the hell was she going to save me???" my youngest brother was born with fetal alcohol syndrome...he is a bit "slow" in the head....more messed up than "hogan's goat" the poor guy has NO chance of living a normal/healthy life...he is more addicted to so many things, it is un real......alcohol/ drugs/sex/obsessive-compulsive/ i mean i thought I was messed up.......did my mother want to do this to her own baby????? i am CERTAIN she did not....but she was already "gone" by then...the body remained, but the mind/spirit were somewhere ELSE......there are times i talk with my brother and i get angry with her for drinking so bad when he was gestating in her womb, but than i think....if i were in her shoes??? what would i have done???? he kept forcing her to have more and more children....some of them died...i remember one particular 4 year old who was so neglected and in her fragile health she died!!!!! there are 5 of us alive...i know the names of 3 dead ones...the rest i don't know, don't want to know....its over...its not my inventory...but i know, i know my mother IF she could "do it again" would have RUN for her life when she saw that "freak" walking towards her......
I saw them try to fight the disease in countless ways as I grew up -- making promises, going through rehabilitation, etc. -- but the disease won. My parents suffered, and my siblings and I shared the outcomes of their suffer- ing as a result. In the battle with alcoholism, no one wins, not even those who seem to be "perpetrators."
3######ROSIE..i saw her sit with her bottle and cry...she would reach out to me, arms open, and want to hold me and when i wasn't TOO pee o'd at her i would allow her to embrace me and i swear, her whole body would just shake from the sobbing...she was in hell on earth i know.....i remember when she bought her bicycle and wanted me to ride with her so she got ME a bike too....i thought maybe our "bike strolls" would make her want to live....she had quit horseback riding with me, but the bikes..she LOVED....it was too little too late....she was a gonner.....yep, she suffered and it spilled over BIG time on us kids......i also remember my cherokee grandaddy comming up to see us to "shoot him deader than a snake" i remember he standing between "it" and grandaddy with his gun BEGGING for his life...he was her destroyer, along with her booze, and here she is begging for his life....THAT is how messed up she was.....she could NOT break free of the booze OR him.....and we kids paid the price for it....
Today I know in my heart that my parents were the best mother and father they could be, considering what they went through. As I imagine what they must have endured, I have gained empathy for their struggle.
######ROSIE.... well he doesn't even QUALIFY for any of this....but i know that she WISHED...probably prayed to be better.. to help us better, but she was toast!!!! by the time i was born, she was already pretty bad, and years later she would get worse, and die!!!!! i don't give a DAMNED about him and his life.....he CHOSE evil.....poor mom was a destroyed victim sick down to her very soul, i guess the diference between them was this...........SHE felt bad when she did bad----------HE was pleased with his evil doings..........SHE had a conscience.....HE did not........SHE still had the holy spirit (remourse/shame)..........HE did not have the holy spirit..........SHE cried over her causing others pain.............HE smiled that smug/wicked ALL too familiar smile of his..............i can feel LOTS of empathy for her demise......i feel NOTHING for him......my job is to SHUN evil, not try to understand/anaylize/empathise with it......i dont WANT to understand that kind of degenerate mind......but with HER???? yes, i do feel pity for her.......i beat him, she did not........i got into recovery, she died.........i found myself, she lost herself..............i am breaking free, she was in bondage until her death............i will go out stronger/better/MORE loving in the end, she left in pieces/broken/despaired.............
I have envisioned walking a mile in my parents' shoes, and I now have nothing but compassion for both of them. I am grateful to Al-Anon for helping me fully forgive my parents, and for helping me accept and enjoy them for who they are.
######ROSIE.....many times i would ask "if she HADNT had left grandaddy's house" the "if only's" bugged me/ constant questions, if ONLY she had left him for GOOD!!!! she was his victim/ caught in his trap/ like a beautiful butterfly who gets trapped in a spider's web...i KNOW she pulled at the tendrills of his web and tried to get out...but he was stronger, she was no match...and she was CAUGHT...and when she bore us, WE were also trapped in his web...i am the ONLY one in recovery...the others carry their scars, some by hiding, most by drinking / drugs et al...the "numbing" continues in this generation....the buck is STOPPING with me........IF she were alive, i would be honest with her...i would tell her WHAT she did...HOW it impacted me....and because the ENORMOUS loss of my life ensued, she COULDNT pay me back, only god has the power to give to me what was taken, but it would be good to be able to face her and say "'THIS is what you did---- THIS is how it impacted me---just do ONE thing---- CARE about what you did---FEEL remourse---- APOLIGIZE" that is what i would say to her......and than i would say "i release you-- i give you over to your god" WOULD i want her in my life????? it would depend on HOW she felt about my loss--- what she did about it to show me she CARED.......but i will never know because she is on the other side, i can only PRAY that she "learns/ accepts/ makes amends" somehow for the pain she left behind.......somehow i get the feeling that she DOES pray for us....every DAY she prays for us kids to get better and to get well and to ONE day forgive her.....i am getting better...i am reclaiming my life....i CAN forgive her
Thought for the Day Remembering that alcoholism is a disease helps me see the person struggling beneath the burden of illness.
#######ROSIE.....i still see it as a CHOICE....hell ALL addictions are a CHOICE...but because we are SO human SO frail at times and our feet are made of clay, our own willpower is NOT going to "cut it" those of us who are WILLING to turn ourselves over to the help and strenght and wisdom and care of our higher power are the ones who suceed the ones who overcome and at least DISTANCE ourselves from or MANAGE our "shortcommings".....i am in this program for LIFE....MY life
jj said
Aug 24, 2005
((((Rosie)))))
WOW what a powerful post.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
JJ
rosie light shines said
Aug 24, 2005
((JJ)) you are MOST welcome!!! NEVER thought this program could do this much, but it HAS........see you/ rosie
Hope for Today - August 24
Holding on to anger, resentment, and a "poor me"
attitude is not an option for me today. Growing up
with two alcoholic parents created many painful
memories. However, until I was able to let go of my
past by forgiving my parents, I was unable to enjoy
the present.
3######ROSIE....ok, i have been in recovery 18 months going on 19 and up until now i almost ALWAYS focused on the perp on my "hope for today" or "language of letting go" and also the "courage to change" entries.....i talked about the "freak" almost as much as i did me...i felt like i was juxtaposed with this manure and you know what????? as i listen to my casette tapes of love for me in MY OWN voice...made by ME....loving statements that are teh TRUTH about me, the REAL description of me....i see that i DEFEATED him!!! i BEAT him!!!! i am the sucess here.....i WON!!!! ..he is OUT of my life...i am replacing the hate/resentment for "it" with love/acceptance of ME...... so guess what??? i don't have to think about the REAL loser in this equation, i can NOW think of the winner!!! ME!!!!! .....however i had a mother too, and she was an alcoholic....up to now i never talked about her because i was SOO "in to my hate/cursing of the perp" he took center stage......well THAT is over now!!!! so this entry is about the OTHER parent i had!!!! my mother who had the GOD awful misfortune of marrying what she did AND as a result of that fatal choice, she ended up drinking herself to death, i am SURE, because she couldn't forgive her self for enabling him to hurt me so badly....she couldn't look at her self .....so this "hope for today" message will be about HER....and reading the top paragraph is so true....until i was able to SEE what really happened with her, i was in bondage!!!! i was a slave to my hate...this program showed me what alcoholism really is...it is , yes, a choice, but these people are really addicted to it...just like ANY adiction, it gets its claws into you and you can't get free on your own power....but with the help of this program and the HP, i know my mother could have because where do you think i got my "fighting spirit???" my guts??? my character???? it HAD to have come from her...and look at what happend to her???? i think drinking herself to death is payment ENOUGH for what she did....not to mention the karma she had to work out after she left --- i somewhere a few months ago....the "impossible" happend!!!! i was ABLE to forgive her...i was ABLE to "let her go"... i was ABLE to stop hating/resenting her too.....AND i can even muster up some pity for her......with the "predator" i AM/ CAN/ DID take my hands off and allow god's hands on....END of story about him.....but her??? i know she did not grow up, dreaming that she would become a hopless alcoholic married to pure evil and end up dying from her disease and from her shame/guilt....i can be CERTAIN that she had hopes/dreams like any other young and beautiful girl....she was naive/ innocent/ WAY to trusting and she was no match for what she would marry at the age of 24....
Among Al-Anon's many healing tools, I found
learning about alcoholism as a disease and how it
affects families to be particularly helpful. It
enabled me to see my parents in a different light.
#####ROSIE...yep, she had a disease.......it is true, she had a choice...drink or don't drink....get into AA or not get into AA...but who knows what was going on in HER head, i can only look into MY head, and work on ME.....i am sure the woman hated herself for this "state of mind" she was in ...i remember her going to AA a couple of times, and perhaps it would have worked, who knows, if she had had someone other than the perp who used to FORCE her to drink with him so she would be more "compliant" when he wanted to be the deviant he was.....i guess she "numbed out" with it like i used to get "high" on my beer and tranquilizers.....the alcohol was HER escape...it was HER respite from her life.....she , i KNOW, used it to be able to stand her own life.....perhaps that is why she DIDN"T want to be able to , through program , get sober and stay sober....she did NOT want to be free from her "escaping tool" and for that, i can feel SOME pity for the lady
Today I know they were *unwilling* victims of the
disease of alcoholism. I have no doubt that had
they been given a choice, neither of my parents
would have picked up that first drink and continued
on such destructive paths.
#######ROSIE....for her, she was innocent NON drinking american indian girl, who married a degenerate.....he forced her to drink with him, and yes, she was an unwilling victim first to him and second to the alcohol....at some point in her life she "gave up" and decided that it was a good tool to "numb out" the horrendous pain she must have felt....what she did to me/ my siblings was reprehensible--- INexcusable-- but on the same breath i can say in a way--- "she couldn't save herself, how in the hell was she going to save me???" my youngest brother was born with fetal alcohol syndrome...he is a bit "slow" in the head....more messed up than "hogan's goat" the poor guy has NO chance of living a normal/healthy life...he is more addicted to so many things, it is un real......alcohol/ drugs/sex/obsessive-compulsive/ i mean i thought I was messed up.......did my mother want to do this to her own baby????? i am CERTAIN she did not....but she was already "gone" by then...the body remained, but the mind/spirit were somewhere ELSE......there are times i talk with my brother and i get angry with her for drinking so bad when he was gestating in her womb, but than i think....if i were in her shoes??? what would i have done???? he kept forcing her to have more and more children....some of them died...i remember one particular 4 year old who was so neglected and in her fragile health she died!!!!! there are 5 of us alive...i know the names of 3 dead ones...the rest i don't know, don't want to know....its over...its not my inventory...but i know, i know my mother IF she could "do it again" would have RUN for her life when she saw that "freak" walking towards her......
I saw them try to fight
the disease in countless ways as I grew up -- making
promises, going through rehabilitation, etc. -- but
the disease won. My parents suffered, and my
siblings and I shared the outcomes of their suffer-
ing as a result. In the battle with alcoholism, no one
wins, not even those who seem to be "perpetrators."
3######ROSIE..i saw her sit with her bottle and cry...she would reach out to me, arms open, and want to hold me and when i wasn't TOO pee o'd at her i would allow her to embrace me and i swear, her whole body would just shake from the sobbing...she was in hell on earth i know.....i remember when she bought her bicycle and wanted me to ride with her so she got ME a bike too....i thought maybe our "bike strolls" would make her want to live....she had quit horseback riding with me, but the bikes..she LOVED....it was too little too late....she was a gonner.....yep, she suffered and it spilled over BIG time on us kids......i also remember my cherokee grandaddy comming up to see us to "shoot him deader than a snake" i remember he standing between "it" and grandaddy with his gun BEGGING for his life...he was her destroyer, along with her booze, and here she is begging for his life....THAT is how messed up she was.....she could NOT break free of the booze OR him.....and we kids paid the price for it....
Today I know in my heart that my parents were
the best mother and father they could be,
considering what they went through. As I imagine
what they must have endured, I have gained
empathy for their struggle.
######ROSIE.... well he doesn't even QUALIFY for any of this....but i know that she WISHED...probably prayed to be better.. to help us better, but she was toast!!!! by the time i was born, she was already pretty bad, and years later she would get worse, and die!!!!! i don't give a DAMNED about him and his life.....he CHOSE evil.....poor mom was a destroyed victim sick down to her very soul, i guess the diference between them was this...........SHE felt bad when she did bad----------HE was pleased with his evil doings..........SHE had a conscience.....HE did not........SHE still had the holy spirit (remourse/shame)..........HE did not have the holy spirit..........SHE cried over her causing others pain.............HE smiled that smug/wicked ALL too familiar smile of his..............i can feel LOTS of empathy for her demise......i feel NOTHING for him......my job is to SHUN evil, not try to understand/anaylize/empathise with it......i dont WANT to understand that kind of degenerate mind......but with HER???? yes, i do feel pity for her.......i beat him, she did not........i got into recovery, she died.........i found myself, she lost herself..............i am breaking free, she was in bondage until her death............i will go out stronger/better/MORE loving in the end, she left in pieces/broken/despaired.............
I have envisioned
walking a mile in my parents' shoes, and I now have
nothing but compassion for both of them. I am
grateful to Al-Anon for helping me fully forgive my
parents, and for helping me accept and enjoy them
for who they are.
######ROSIE.....many times i would ask "if she HADNT had left grandaddy's house" the "if only's" bugged me/ constant questions, if ONLY she had left him for GOOD!!!! she was his victim/ caught in his trap/ like a beautiful butterfly who gets trapped in a spider's web...i KNOW she pulled at the tendrills of his web and tried to get out...but he was stronger, she was no match...and she was CAUGHT...and when she bore us, WE were also trapped in his web...i am the ONLY one in recovery...the others carry their scars, some by hiding, most by drinking / drugs et al...the "numbing" continues in this generation....the buck is STOPPING with me........IF she were alive, i would be honest with her...i would tell her WHAT she did...HOW it impacted me....and because the ENORMOUS loss of my life ensued, she COULDNT pay me back, only god has the power to give to me what was taken, but it would be good to be able to face her and say "'THIS is what you did---- THIS is how it impacted me---just do ONE thing---- CARE about what you did---FEEL remourse---- APOLIGIZE" that is what i would say to her......and than i would say "i release you-- i give you over to your god" WOULD i want her in my life????? it would depend on HOW she felt about my loss--- what she did about it to show me she CARED.......but i will never know because she is on the other side, i can only PRAY that she "learns/ accepts/ makes amends" somehow for the pain she left behind.......somehow i get the feeling that she DOES pray for us....every DAY she prays for us kids to get better and to get well and to ONE day forgive her.....i am getting better...i am reclaiming my life....i CAN forgive her
Thought for the Day
Remembering that alcoholism is a disease helps me
see the person struggling beneath the burden of illness.
#######ROSIE.....i still see it as a CHOICE....hell ALL addictions are a CHOICE...but because we are SO human SO frail at times and our feet are made of clay, our own willpower is NOT going to "cut it" those of us who are WILLING to turn ourselves over to the help and strenght and wisdom and care of our higher power are the ones who suceed the ones who overcome and at least DISTANCE ourselves from or MANAGE our "shortcommings".....i am in this program for LIFE....MY life
((((Rosie)))))
WOW what a powerful post.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
JJ