FREQUENCY-----INTENSITY-------- DURATION---------AWARENESS
how often to i go back in the mud??/ old crap??? old behaviours??? patterns??????
this is my barometer as to "how i am progressing"
FREQUENCY....for me, i notice that i "slip" not anywhere NEAR as much, and i am more forgiving of myself when i slip...i just figure the "2 steps foward...1 step backwards" theory.....i don't "go off" as much....even my grief cycles are decreasing...they are still there, and i am not over my grief, but it is with less frequency
INTENSITY.....this is probably the highest on my barometer because not only do i have the anger at the perp, but the frustration/anger at ME for not being able to get RID of him and his messages from my head...so i go off on an anger outburst pretty intense, and it is kind of a double....anger/outrage at him anger/frustration at me "hey can't i get RID of the freak in my head????" now i am using the cassette tapes - reprogramming my head with my GOOD/ loving/ true/ accepting messages of me...i say over and over on the tapes, that i LOVE me i ACCEPT me i am ENOUGH as i am i am WORTHY all good, and AS i fall in love with me/ i will fill my heart up with peace and love for me/god/universe, and replace the hate/resentment i had for him....i am being delivered FROM the negative TO the positive (self love/acceptance/taking good care of me)--- i think the grief is less intense now too, i mean i do get my "teary times" but not the 14 hours straight sobbing so intensly that i am numb when it is over.....
DURATION......this i am progressing, because i have the tools of the program, i am ABLE to share to my loved ones/ group mates/ sponser et al about my pain, and it does not last as long because i am learning to focus on the SOLUTION, not just the problem....oh i let the feelings fly i allow the feelings/ intense at times, but yes, feelings are allowed FULL BORE!! than its time to hunker down/ take care of me/ apply program tools.
AWARENESS.....i am almost immediately AWARE that i am having a "down time-- slip" and there again, i am becomming more and more habitized to OK, let the feelings fly, THAN work the program/ steps/ sponser/ literature/ prayer/ meditation/ journalling/ shares on group/ chat meets..... following the AWARENESS....is acceptance that it is happening....and than i can take healing action.....also i get into step 4 when i am having ???s about my progress
*************** rosie on progress *********** take what works, leave the rest.......
sg said
Aug 23, 2005
I LOVE IT, ROSIE! I read and reread your words and it is just so true! I often wonder myself..am I progressing? What you wrote is a good guideline for myself. Thank you so much!
isabela40 said
Aug 23, 2005
Rosie,
This is a difficult question to answer as progress is different for different people. But I can tell you what it was for me...
My issues are different than yours, but just as painful at times. My first husband abused me horribly, it is still difficult for me to talk about, as I try not to think about it. It gave me PSTD which I probably will have to deal with for the rest of my life.
For me progress was that I was no longer haunted with thoughts and feelings and memories every second of the day. For me progress was being able to "forget" and feel "normal" even if just for a moment.
I remember going to work and struggling SO hard with the flashbacks, thoughts, pain, etc. and still trying to focus on my work. I remember so clearly the first time I realized that I had managed to get through a WHOLE MORNING at work without thinking once about what I had been through and the pain and no flashback. I felt "NORMAL" for the first time in a LOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG time. I was so happy I had to celebrate, I took myself out to dinner to the nicest place I could think of, and did not hardly have any money so I only ordered an appetizer, but still it was a celebration. I was not only celebrating that day at work, but the real hope that I could really get better someday and feel more normal.
It was quite a few more days before I had another morning or afternoon to celebrate, but soon they happened more and more. The time I realized that I had gone a WHOLE DAY at work, morning and afternoon, I once again celebrated.
I began thinking about ways to keep super busy so that I would have more times that I could "forget" and not have flashbacks, thoughts, etc.
I read a lot of books about it too.
Another thing that helped was my art. I never thought of myself as an artist when younger, but I discovered that I am. People like the things I make and ask me to make things for them, which I do. I feel blessed to have something that I enjoy so much that keeps me so busy I can "lose myself" in it and forget my pain.
I think that is the key, trying to find things you enjoy so much you lose yourself in them.
Easier said than done when you have been in so much pain for so long.
I started small, childish pursuits, riding my bike in lovely weather, going to the park or the beach (really Lake Erie, it looks like an ocean beach, but just does not smell like one, LOL), reading, playing video games.
Then I started looking outside myself, I took a class in cake decorating, which was something I ALWAYS wanted to do...as a kid...now I was giving my inner kid a chance to do it.
I LOVED it, and did so well the instructor offered me a job teaching at a nearby store, which I took. There I was exposed to many more arts and crafts that I tried and really enjoyed.
Arts and crafts have really been a lifesaver for me.
Now I teach many different classes and meet many many women who take the classes for the same reason I did. I try hard to make them feel welcome and make the class "fun" most of all. I also developed "socials" which are classes that are a continuence of what we are doing, akin to the old fashioned "quilting bees" of the past where women got together to share their love of quilting. I have developed "socials" in sewing, jewelry making, and scrapbooking. This gives the women AND me a continuint outlet for fun association and creativity. I look forward to them and many of the women say they look forward to it all month. Over time as we get to know each other, many of the women open up to how they had so much unhappiness in their lives that they were searching for a way to forget their pain, many say they see our craft socials as "therapy" or a support group!
I strongly encourage you to try to incorporate some harmless "fun" into your life in whatever way you can.
The more activities I found that I could lose myself in, the better I felt in general. I SLOWLY got better. I found that this is really a "time" thing, the old wisdom that time heals all wounds is really true. No matter how many books I read, it still took time...
But I hurried the healing process as much as I could. I also found that humor helps a lot in healing. I started renting as many old fashioned humorous movies I could find that could hopefully make me laugh.
The current trend towards "dark humor" as in those spoofs on slasher films do more harm than good I think, I found very positive humorous films like movies from the forties and fifties.
You are doing well, working hard to face your issues and deal with them in positive ways...now it is time to try and learn to have some healthy fun...something that people in our situation many times forget how to do and have to re-learn.
Many prayers and hopes that you find more happiness in your life.
Isabela
rosie light shines said
Aug 23, 2005
oh YEAH isabelle, i do that, i play with my tennis/ swimming....stuff like riding my bike NOT when it is so hot, but yeah, i do that alot...watch a good movie, and like you/ taking myself out to eat, however now, i am paying down my credit card...and so its light onthe spending, so to make up for it, i get out my play dough (inner child) and i make stuff or i will just play with my dogs......you are so right / being spontaneous/ playful is SOOO important to our recovery......i do it!!! in fact , you know ONE of the things i DIDN"T lose was my ability to laugh and do silly fun things...for some reason he didn't manage to kill that and i am VERY grateful to the universe that i CAN play/ be silly....thank you for bringing that up..i am so caught up in my subliminal REprogramming my mind tapes, i forgot all about the "fun stuff"........my prayers to you too, and it sound slike you are doing GREAT......peace/ rosie
Rosie,
This is a difficult question to answer as progress is different for different people. But I can tell you what it was for me...
My issues are different than yours, but just as painful at times. My first husband abused me horribly, it is still difficult for me to talk about, as I try not to think about it. It gave me PSTD which I probably will have to deal with for the rest of my life.
For me progress was that I was no longer haunted with thoughts and feelings and memories every second of the day. For me progress was being able to "forget" and feel "normal" even if just for a moment.
I remember going to work and struggling SO hard with the flashbacks, thoughts, pain, etc. and still trying to focus on my work. I remember so clearly the first time I realized that I had managed to get through a WHOLE MORNING at work without thinking once about what I had been through and the pain and no flashback. I felt "NORMAL" for the first time in a LOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG time. I was so happy I had to celebrate, I took myself out to dinner to the nicest place I could think of, and did not hardly have any money so I only ordered an appetizer, but still it was a celebration. I was not only celebrating that day at work, but the real hope that I could really get better someday and feel more normal.
It was quite a few more days before I had another morning or afternoon to celebrate, but soon they happened more and more. The time I realized that I had gone a WHOLE DAY at work, morning and afternoon, I once again celebrated.
I began thinking about ways to keep super busy so that I would have more times that I could "forget" and not have flashbacks, thoughts, etc.
I read a lot of books about it too.
Another thing that helped was my art. I never thought of myself as an artist when younger, but I discovered that I am. People like the things I make and ask me to make things for them, which I do. I feel blessed to have something that I enjoy so much that keeps me so busy I can "lose myself" in it and forget my pain.
I think that is the key, trying to find things you enjoy so much you lose yourself in them.
Easier said than done when you have been in so much pain for so long.
I started small, childish pursuits, riding my bike in lovely weather, going to the park or the beach (really Lake Erie, it looks like an ocean beach, but just does not smell like one, LOL), reading, playing video games.
Then I started looking outside myself, I took a class in cake decorating, which was something I ALWAYS wanted to do...as a kid...now I was giving my inner kid a chance to do it.
I LOVED it, and did so well the instructor offered me a job teaching at a nearby store, which I took. There I was exposed to many more arts and crafts that I tried and really enjoyed.
Arts and crafts have really been a lifesaver for me.
Now I teach many different classes and meet many many women who take the classes for the same reason I did. I try hard to make them feel welcome and make the class "fun" most of all. I also developed "socials" which are classes that are a continuence of what we are doing, akin to the old fashioned "quilting bees" of the past where women got together to share their love of quilting. I have developed "socials" in sewing, jewelry making, and scrapbooking. This gives the women AND me a continuint outlet for fun association and creativity. I look forward to them and many of the women say they look forward to it all month. Over time as we get to know each other, many of the women open up to how they had so much unhappiness in their lives that they were searching for a way to forget their pain, many say they see our craft socials as "therapy" or a support group!
I strongly encourage you to try to incorporate some harmless "fun" into your life in whatever way you can.
The more activities I found that I could lose myself in, the better I felt in general. I SLOWLY got better. I found that this is really a "time" thing, the old wisdom that time heals all wounds is really true. No matter how many books I read, it still took time...
But I hurried the healing process as much as I could. I also found that humor helps a lot in healing. I started renting as many old fashioned humorous movies I could find that could hopefully make me laugh.
The current trend towards "dark humor" as in those spoofs on slasher films do more harm than good I think, I found very positive humorous films like movies from the forties and fifties.
You are doing well, working hard to face your issues and deal with them in positive ways...now it is time to try and learn to have some healthy fun...something that people in our situation many times forget how to do and have to re-learn.
Many prayers and hopes that you find more happiness in your life.
Isabela