I am new to Al anon and have only been part of this board for a few weeks.. I have a question that I keep asking myself.. What will it take for me to walk away from my husband an alcoholic. ?? I know, it is a question that only I can answer.. I have tried, believe me and I keep coming up empty handed. I have 2 children and his drinking has effected my children as well as myself. He has been mean to my son and has said some horrible things to me while drunk. Vacations have been ruined, picinics turned into drunk fests and quiet weekends have turned out to be screaming matches. I keep asking myself why ?? I know that I love him, or do I ? Is it that I am confortable? Am I just afraid of being alone ? Afraid of what tomorrow will be without him ? I read postings that talk about tough love.. They talk about people who make that decision to leave and how much better they feel afterwards.. I know what I have to do, but how do I get the strength to do it ? Tammy

Tammy...I know that has been going thru my mind lately. I don't really know myself...but I do know that if I keep working the Program, keep the focus on me and my kids well being that I will know, by the help of my HP, when it is time for me to completly walk away. From those that I have listened to that have had to go thru similiar situations it sounds as if they just knew.

(((((((((Tammy))))))))),

You are right it is our decission. Each of us decisdes wether to leave or stay, and when to do it. All I can say is pray. Let your HP guide you, for your HP is the only one who can really help you answer this question. If you left or made him leave, would you be ok? Will you have a place to stay? Will you have income? I am not trying to use security for a reason to stay, but when working with people who leave their husbands for different reasons, I know that having a plan is good.

Keep Coming back.

Much Love,

Hi Tammy

Thank you for sharing your pain with us .. I hope you will please read the previous post to which I responded , as it gives you the back round of my former marriage

I married the love of my life , the man who could stop my heart with the sight or the sound of him at 100 paces for almost 20 years

I thought i was a good noble loyal and decent woman by standing by him and honoring my vows no matter what

I wanted to be that woman , my ex did not make it easy for me * small soft sigh of a chuckle*

When he resumed drinking with a vengeance in 1999 after 9 yrs w/out a drink our life began to unravel

I tolerated so much that doctors felt i was suffering from the Stockholm Syndrome , and I ended up in govt disability for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ...chronic anxiety insomnia and deepression that was , at times , of suicidal proportion and rendered me unable to work for years

i grieved *hard* for 2 yrs following the end of my marriage . I had found him w/ another woman and that was the straw it took  to break this camel's back . He was , quite simply , too much trouble to share !

We have been apart for 4 yrs and not a day goes by that I do not mention or think of him

God has granted me a healthy functioning life in place of the old dysfunctional one

I have peace and joy and hope and am finding parts of myself he had all but murdered

and yet ...and yet ...I sometimes still wish it could have worked out

but for us ...it couldnt his need and desire to drink out weighed all the love and support i poured on him for 17 yrs

one freind sod to me
" you are free... you have paid your spiritual or karmic dues to his soul and now you are going to be free to fiund true joy "

I couldnt imgaine true joy with out him

i tolerated verbal emotional ecconomic and even physical abuse ... i lived with his threat of his leaving me for the lat 2 yrs

in the end , he arranged to have me find him with another woman , then flaunted her for a few yrs

they have long since broken up

this is merely my experience

not advice of any kind

it has been a long climb out o fthe deep well of sadness for me , but many days are very wonderful now

i pray for him , i wish him well , i secretly hope that one day we could sit and discuss "what really happened " that is my fondest wish for us .. all tat could be left but i dont see it happening

he may die and i will never even know it

For me , i knew i had had enough when the pain of seeing him kiss another woman abd hear the AWFUL things he had said about me ME the woman who loved him more than life it self that snapped my cord

they say we all know when we are ready

i will pray that God will give you guidance and strength to find the hapy life I do believe He has for you , with or w/out your A

God Bless

Love in recovery

Fiona

What does it take to hit bottom?

Exactly what it takes them, and Fiona pointed out, YOU have to hit bottom.

You will eventually reach that point of no return where there is no going back.  You will know in your heart when that happens. I know since I walked out on an alcoholic husband with a 4 month old baby, no car, no job, no income, no money, nothing but the clothes on my back and my babies crib that I bought used at a yard sale.

It was just time, and I knew it, and there was no doubt.

I was blessed with family and friends who helped me make it on my own, and HP provided necessities.

Follow the excellent advice given here to have a plan, the last thing you want is to leave and start to rebuild your life then realize you can't make it without his income or medical insurance and have to go crawling back to him...many lawyers give free consultations for 1/2 hour for you to find out where you would stand in a divorce, and if it is prudent at that time.

Also keep in mind that in a divorce he may get joint cusody...if not then surely visitation.  Will your children be alright with him ALONE?  How will they like it?  Imagine them with him for a weekend during which he is drunk...without you there to look after them or try to derail a bad scene with him. 

When you have children there is a WHOLE lot of things to consider besides how YOU feel.

I hope things work out for you and you can think of a good plan which covers all bases so you have some choices.

Isabela

I never thought about that before...that WE have to hit bottom.