I was at an AA meeting today and a woman was breaking down in tears as she read "How it works" at the start of the meeting. She later shared that she had recently picked up, and expressed how defeated she felt. The miserable thoughts that these feelings of hopelessness and uselessness would never go away. The desire to drive herself to a liquor store instead of the meeting. The feeling that the world would be a better place if she were removed from it. I've been there. There is no way anyone would choose that. I was having a pretty bad day myself, feeling sadness, loneliness, and anger about my divorce that’s scheduled for Monday. My soon to be ex wife has so many misconceptions and makes so many wrong assumptions about what we alcoholics go through. I realize there is no way an ‘earth person’ could even try to relate. Anyway, I thanked the woman for opening up and sharing her pain with the rest of us. I was in tears at this point, and told her that she had really helped me out by sharing. I told about the pain I was going through and how I could completely identify with hers. I told her that this is the right place to let out those feelings, she was safe because everyone in that room had been in her place at one time or another. I said that I too was going through a tough time and was feeling miserable also. But I also realized one difference. Because of my recovery and the help of friends and the love from my higher power, I realize that the feelings I’m going through today will eventually pass. I remember how it felt to think that it would never end. I never want to go back there again.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this post. I guess I’m frustrated that my wife thinks she understands a lot more about this disease than she actually does. She says things that are so far off the mark, I know she has no clue. I was thinking that, here is a woman I never met before, telling us what she’s going through, and I understand those feelings 100%. It’s not just the feelings though, it’s also the insane thinking. Just putting down the drink does not stop that.

Please, if any of you non alcoholics are struggling with your relationships with someone active or newly recovered, please try to be patient. We are not bad people trying to get good. We are sick people trying to get well. I’ve tried to do my best with my relationship with my wife since I’ve been in recovery, and it hasn’t been good enough soon enough. I’ve come to understand that there is no way an ‘earth person’ can understand what we go through, and why so many relationship problems arise because of this.

Uncle Lou

Uncle Lou,

You bring up many good points here and your share pulled on my heart strings.  Keep coming and keep sharing.  I am sorrry for your loss.

Maria123

Thank you (((((UncleLou)))), that was a beautiful post.  Appreciate so much your sharing with us.  So much pain to this disease all around...but thank goodness we can grow through these programs and learn that the pain can lessen, that we can go on with life and even find happiness once again.  You are so right that I will never fully understand what my hubby goes through, has gone through....all I can do is look at my part, at what I have gone through and how difficult it is for me to make my own changes.  Sometimes that is very hard, I slip too.  But ya know, my hubby still stands by me in my slips...how could I not do the same for him?  I read the AA message board sometimes, have gone to a few open AA meetings - these help me to understand in some small measure.  A wise old AA'er once said to me..."we are all in the same boat after all...."  Yup, we're all looking for recovery, we're all looking for that solid ground.  Stay strong UncleLou, keep coming back, and thank you sooooo much for your heartfelt shares!!

With program love, Kis

uncle lou............Because of my recovery and the help of friends and the love from my higher power, I realize that the feelings I’m going through today will eventually pass. I remember how it felt to think that it would never end. I never want to go back there again.

 

 

rosie......been there ...done that....feeling that i will NEVER  EVER learn to love me instead of the  inner abuser rearing its ugly head....just when i am ready to throw my hands up and say "i quit"  my sponser comes up with a great idea.....a tailor made  cassette tape in MY voice telling me that i AM good  i AM worthy  i AM loveable i AM acceptable  JUST THE WAY I AM......i have been feeling so down on me this past 2 weeks, thinking i'll NEVER get past his abuser values (abusive father)   i am NOT where i want to be....but thank god i am NOT where i was ........thanks  uncle,  i needed to hear this.....rosie

Hi Uncle Lou,

Thank you for that lovely and moving post.

I am going to take your words to heart and try harder to be understanding with my husband.

I DO remember what a good person he is, I am so glad I have those memories of him.

I am going to try to relive the good memories along with the bad, I had been letting the bad thougths take over.

Isabela

I’ve come to understand that there is no way an ‘earth person’ can understand what we go through, and why so many relationship problems arise because of this. Did you see my post back to that one the disease was supposedly talking? If you do, you may see there is someone who does relate to the A's pain. I see A's and feel such compassion. I look at them in awe that they still get up and keep going. I told my A every day he is sober is a gift to me. I remember being so happy when he just smiled or laughed. The guilt he must feel is not anything i could come close to feeling. I would remind him, it is the disease, not you. I never let him pity pot with me though. alanon teaches me so much. Anyhooo just wanted ya to know, yes some of us out here do understand, I think becuz we love the A thru it all and it is rare for anyone around us to understand that. Does that make sense? My loved ones see me so in love with my A. I have loved him since i was a kid and we live in the same town. They see him, a drunk, a heroin user, who does not love me and treats me horrible. And here i am loving him thru it all. They don't see how hard he tries, they don't see how embarrassed he gets, or how sick he gets. I just get to where i think the disease finally made me not love him anymore. And then a bit of time goes and i feel it just as strongly as ever. I see it as he is kidnapped by the disease, that he is a pod person. well I am tired and probably not making sense. I have pnemonia, anemic and have an animal sanctuary I gotta keep going. HE calls me and says, I know I have not called in a few days, been acouple weeks, and I am sick. But i don't feel mad. Just sad i cannot have him come out and trust he will feed so I can rest. One time he did not feed for two days. rrrr anyhoo hugs, love,debilyn who called the doctor and the doctor said, too many monkeys jumpin on the bed.... oh great now I am delirious too... haha

uncle lou...

i just wanted you to know that i am as close as an earth person can be to understanding what an alcoholic goes through, but i will never completely get it.  i have been to numerous AA meetings.  i separate the person from the disease.  i am empathetic and compassionate, but no longer 'love to death'. 

i am one of the few.  i left my husband 4 and 1/2 years ago, when my life spirralled out of controlled.  after 2 and 1/2 years in program (both of us), we got back together....and continue to work our programs.  what a miracle....one we never expected.

i also know, that no matter how many alanon meetings he goes to, he will never completely get the pain and horror i experienced on the other side.......tho he is compassionate towards my pain.

1 thing i learned is that we are all sick.  and just as i must find compassion for the alcoholic, so must he find compassion for me and my pain.  we're all in it together.

she's sick too.

hugs, jo

UncleLou:

I completely understand your concept of patience with people who are struggling, but I would like to add perception as a child of God.   Yes, we should all have compassion and love as Jesus did and yes if we should turn the other cheek--  We should forgive as Our Father forgives us.  However, we are to not be unequally yoked as well.  The analogy of that is that if there is an ox and a donkey yoked together, pulling a heavy item, eventually the strong ox would be broken down to accommodate the donkeys weakness.  As earth people, we are to choose our relationships that will best develop our relationship with God-- THAT'S IT.  There comes a point that we can no longer be unequally yoked to another person because it is spiritually destroying us.  Whether in business or personal, if a relationship interfers with the plan that God wants of our life-- we need to choose God and follow Him.  In some cases, that might mean sticking it out in a relationship because we are learning and growing to have compassion as God would like us too.  However, in other cases, we MUST walk away.   Scripture can be interpreted in many ways by various peoples understanding, but it all comes down to love, compassion and having our relationship with God built and made stronger.  ANYTHING or ANYONE who interfers with that-- EVEN OURSELVES should be analyzed further so that we may turn our direction back to God.  We cannot control other people, therefore-- at times we must move on.   It has NOTHING to do with not having patience, but rather more to do what is right for an individual. 

Some of lifes most difficult lessons come with losing those we love, either by tragedy, broken relationships or natural causes-- It all still comes back to one thing.  Nothing or Nobody is above God and as long as we are Me centered instead of God centered, relationships as we know them will never change-- we will continue to pick the same unhealthy relationships until we've learned the lesson God wants of us. 

So, I'm not saying that people shouldn't be patient, but what I am saying is that only each of us individually knows our limitation and what brings us peace and should make decisions based on that---  What may be a period of time for you to be patient may be much less or much longer than what someone else thinks or feels. 

The best that we can all do is learn from our pain---  take that pain and talk to God, feel what needs to be felt and allow God to heal it completely so that the most important relationship can be strengthened.  ONLY then can a persons life be transformed. 

Take Care.  Many prayers are with you.  :)

 

-- Edited by sanddie at 15:52, 2005-08-20