I have not posted in a few days.  Everyone's experiences and knowledge in this message board really challenges me to think about myself and keep going.  It's hard for me to make F/F meetings, so this has served as a substitute. 

My a was in the hospital for the last three days.  He had an episode at work where his heart rate shot up, his blood pressure was off the charts, he began sweating and getting dizzy.  EMS was called and basically took him to ER because everything on their monitors were going crazy.  The nurse in ER says, " oh he had a panic attack, and they'll be sending him home."  20 min later, the attending physician comes in and says, " oh no we're admitting him because of his age, he smokes yada yada".  So, he got three days of rest and being bored.  All tests came back negative, so it's not his heart thank goodness.  He experienced a real panic attack that came on him all of a sudden.  Does anyone have an a in their lives who have developed these signs of panic disorder.  I learned its not a disorder until he has quite a few more of them.    He had time to think while he was there, scary!!   Everyone kept asking him, " Sir are you under stress."  He says yes, I work in a factory for minimum wage, I'm 30 years old, and I pissed half my life away drinking and drugging.  Now I have two boys I love to death, but can't seem to get out of this rut to get a better paying job. 

His time away gave me time to, I hate to say it, but relax.  I'd visit him after work, but I did not allow myself to get completely caught up.  He was there because HP chose him to be there.  I felt some guilt about his stress because I know I don't make things easy for him.  My controlling and over bearing defects keep me biting at his heels constantly.  He wants to be successful, but obviously has lived a way of life that has kept him dependant on others, and sends him to the bottle or doing whatever will take the edge of his disappointment. 

I'm trying to be supportive, but obviously in  my mind, I'm not expecting much.  Could this be a wake up call?  Boy that would be great, I thought so many other times would have been the wake up call miricale, but it was not.  So, I'll take this for what its worth.  I know HP is trying to reach him, but until he recoginizes it, there is nothing I can say to convince him of that. 

I was suprised that he got dressed in nice slacks, business shirt, tie, and his dress shoes to drop me and the kids off this morning.  He says I'm not going back to 6.50 an hour, I'm going to use the rest of the week to find a better paying job.  I tried to be encouraging, but my encouraging with him is to give advise about what he should do where he should go.  Will I ever learn to keep my mouth shut and just smile and say, " That's great honey, go get um!!? 

Thanks for listening everyone,I'm glad I found this place to write and vent my feelings.  The cool part is, I know someone out there is listening and having some of the same experiences I am, I feel less alone or weird I guess. Have a great day!!

((((Twinmon2)))))

I don't think I have welcomed you to our board.  Welcome and I am glad you are here.  When I first came in to this room Oh was I out of control yelling and screaming all the time never calm but a few months on this board and alot of help in chat and at the online meetings did help.  I too thought that it was pretty much impossible to get to meetings but have discovered that it is possible for me to get to meetings and I need them.  At first I never told my hubby that I was going to meetings, just that I need some time for myself and that I would appreciate it if he could be home sober for at least that one night.  Then I found the guts to tell him and supprisingly he took it well.  Oh there are times that he tries to push my buttons and not come home but I won't let him take that from me.  I have also found a meeting on friday nights that is a combined meeting with all groups together.  AA, NA, Alanon, Alateen all groups are welcome. Any way I can also bring my kids and that is a relief.

It takes time to get to that point that you mentioned.  It took you a long time to get to that point where your life became unmanagable and it takes time to heal.  The more I work my program the better I feel and there are times when I don't really feel like working my program but it is these times that I begin to loose myself again.

What step are you on? Working my step 4 was what really helpped me turn a corner and "get it" with it brought pain and anger but then it brought relief clarity and a termendous weight was lifted from me it was clensing and I finally found serenity that lasted more then a few moments.  There is a great work book for this step "Blue print for progress" there are also other things out there that help with other steps.

You have my prayers

Love in recovery JJ

Hey JJ

Thanks for the encouraging message.  I have been working step 4 which seems like forever.  I kept procrastinating this step and realized it was because I have trouble focusing on my defects of character.  I want to be right so bad, and healed so bad, that examining myself showed me that I still had a lot of work to do.  I have attended step 4 only meetings, I have not been consistent.  I have looked for meetings that I can take my children, but their two and noisy boys.  I don't think it would be a big hit

Thanks again, I'll keep working until I get it.