I'm sorry that I haven't been more active on the board.....right now I don't have much to give anyone but myself. I'm gonna ask right now for your words of encouragement today. Here's my story I've begged my HP to guide me thru this ordeal and I have seen His hands at work. My 14 yr old daughter has opened up to me about how the drinking has affected her life, my friends (in the Program) have been honest w/me and helped me see it thru their eyes of the situation. My husband told a good friend of ours (who is in AA and NA) that it is gonna take a "catastrophe" to make him stop drinking. Albeit his drinking has slowed down a bit, it's still there. Our weekends w/him home are still filled with booze. I am so emotionally spent I have nothing to give to him anymore. Sometimes I go back and forth...thinking that this is liveable. Thinking that other spouses have it worse than I do. Maybe I am making more out of it than needs be. Why does my mind rationalize like that???? Yesterday my 14 yr old daughter was brutally honest with me. We were talking about how difficult it is for me to just walk away right now...how I worry about hurting him. She looked at me and asked "So it is okay for the four of us to be hurt so that Dad can be happy and comfortable?" She's right. She also told me that just as dad knows he has a problem and won't take the first step to help himself, that I have a problem here and I won't take the first step to help myself. I need to take that first step. I begged my HP in the beginning of the week to help me know what to do. Yesterday it was damn near laid out for me. I'm losing myself in the process. I know the Program...I know that I have exhausted all my efforts. It's time for a change. I can't wait around to find out what his "catastrophe" is gonna be. I need to control what I can control and that is taking care of myself and my children. Soooooooooooo after talking w/my sponsor and friends in the Program and knowing how difficult it is for me to find the voice to tell my husband what is on my mind, I wrote him a letter (and my daughter did too about how the drinking has affected her) and tomorrow I am going to give it to him. I told him in the letter how I feel, what I miss and what I am scared of. I told him what is important to me...to the kids. How important sobriety and the Program is. I told him that I want a break from him but I will not leave this house. How important it is to keep the kids as stable as I possibly can-that it isn't their fault and that we need to do what is best for them (i.e., keeping them in their own home and not changing schools). I also told him that I won't be coming home this weekend. I am giving him the letter when I leave to do an errand. I will not tell him where I am going, I will not answer my cell phone. I want to give him and me a few days to let this all sink in w/out emotions coming into play. I asked that on Sunday him and I can sit down and talk about what our next move is. This morning I did a reading about focusing on the process and not the outcome. That is difficult for me. I have all these scenarios in my head of what ifs. I know that my HP will guide me and take me where I need to be. I'm scared. I'm downright nervous and scared. My mind seems to second guess myself. In my heart I know w/out a doubt what needs to be done. It's taking this first step, and a bold one at that, that has my nerves on edge. I know this isn't my fault. This is the results of a disease that is slowly killing us. I love him, I miss him but he is so far gone. I see him "cutting back" with his drinking and I know it is just a matter of time before it progresses again. And his words to our friend "it is gonna take a catastrophe to make me stop drinking" keeps playing over and over in my mind. Today I pray for the courage to do what needs to be done. The courage to not give in and stick by my words. Today I pray for the faith to remember my HP is working in my life.

(((((((((((((((sq)))))))))))))))))))

Courage to change the things you can.  I will be praying for you to have the strength and the courage to do the things necessary to protect your family and to follow the path your HP has in mind for you.

David

Thank you, David. I'm just so scared and sad....

Hi, Just to let you know that I am thinking of you today. I can hear in your voice that you have made a decision, you know in your heart that you will do the best you can for yourself and your children. But I know too that it is hard, so I wish you courage and strength. Keep taking the steps towards recovery, Love to you, Flora

Hello, really for you , I have been in the same position to you I have three children but am now divorced from my A.  I always put my ex-A first and sometimes still do I am sad to say and yes my children did suffer because of it.  Whilst I was with my Ex-A I never realised just how much it had all affected them.  My eldest daughter is 15yrs and it amazes me how much insight she has sometimes.  I was thinking I was hiding so much from them and infact I had hid very little.

We have been apart three years now and none of my children would want to live with their father again.  They all love him considerably and he is not now even drinking , but still they would not want to live with him.  This disease caused so much damage and denial is our most deadliest character defect. 

I would say in my defence at the time , I did the best I could with what I had.  If I had had the knowledge I have now then, I still dont know I would have done things different. All I can say is have faith and courage and your HP will see you through.  You already have more courage than I had. Will be praying for you.  Much Love Mel

((flora)) and ((melanie)) Thank you for your words. I woke up this morning w/my stomach tied in knots. I have to keep my composure till tomorrow afternoon and not let him know the plans I have in store. I grabbed my books after a morning prayer and just started opening them and reading. I went online and came here and knew that I just needed words of encouragement from those that understand. I'm trying to surround myself online as well as in real life w/people that are strong and work a Program. I called a close friend of ours, actually her husband is my husband's sponsor and knows details of the situation, and found a safe place to land all my fears in her. I know my HP is working and I know that his HP will be there for him too. I also realize that nothing is ever handed to us w/out us taking the needed steps. So I have two options...say nothing and continue to live this way and end up letting this disease ruin us OR Stick to my guns w/the outcomes being this may be his "castrophe" and him sobering up and us working on our marriage...or....him deciding that he isn't gonna do anything. I am making an active decision to take option #2 and leaving the rest in my HP's hands. I'm feeling better for the moment.....I know it will be hard today when he comes home. I don't want to get caught up in the missing him and loving him emotions that I lose site of my goals and plans.

(((((sq)))))  I really feel your pain, I have been there too, and not so long ago.  I think if I left or had him leave for a little while there would be no hope for us or he would not love me anymore.  It got so crazy like you I had to do something so I went with trusting in my HP and the things I heard in meetings.  See I believe my Hp talks to me through the people in the room and these boards.  I had to do something different and that was scarey, but I did it.  I to had to detach completely for awhile from my A but not program people.  For me it meant going to a meeting everynight and doing LOTS of talking to my sponsor.  Doing fun things with program people even though I really wanted to hide under the covers.  I know the only thing I could change was me and that the same things would continue to happen if I was not willing to do something different.  Doing something different meant being uncofortable but trusting that my HP would take care of it.  I had to cup my hands and picture my A in those hands and lift them up to my Hp and give him to God.  I also did that with me and my daughter.   God took care of me.  I miss my A, but I have to take care of me.  If I am the going to set examples for my child, I want it to be that I am taking care of myself and learning how to make me happy.  I can't change the things my daughter lived with when I was with the A I can only show her that she don't have to except unexceptable behavior.  My A calls now and wants to come back home.  For me that can't happen right now as nothing has changed and I know I will in time live the same way.  I know this because I have done it over and over.  I keep asking God to guide my and keep me strong and keep saying tell me what to do God.  When he does I have to trust and do it.  Good luck to you and remember this to shall pass.

 IF YOU WORRY WHY PRAY AND IF YOU PRAY WHY WORRY!!!!

 

((((sq))))

-- Edited by Carol at 09:40, 2005-08-18

((((((sq))))))))

My thoughts are with you today and for the weekend.  I hope that all goes well for you.

I am glad that I read your post what your daughter said was very powerful and so true.  I so often wonder why it is that it is ok for the A in my life  to be so hurtful and why I always have to be the bigger person. Or just take it.  I don't!!!  No person deserves what our A's do to us.  It is not ok by any means.

Any way I am glad that your focus is on yourself and your kids that is the best thing.

Keep Comming back.

JJ

((((((((((((((((((sq))))))))))))))))))))))),

I will keep you in my prayers.

You are doing what you feel is right. Change is scary especially when tied with the unknown. But you have the light of your HP to light your path, and many people to help you if ever you need us. We are here for you.

Much Love,

That is quite a wise daughter you have there. Kids are so smart and so open. They don't let bs cloud the truth. Well you have mythoughts and prayers. I hope you can find some joy along the way on your journey. I am so sad that your A is so sick. It is the hardest thing for me I think when kids are involved. I am so thankful for some reason I made the A go away from the get go when he was being awful.It was all hp for sure. Be careful with you. do what you can and let the rest wait as long as you can. There are a lot of options for things. Let us know how you are doing. love,debilyn

Thank you so much. I have never prayed so hard for people to be online right now! He just came home about an hour ago. Seeing him walk thru the door made my heart just sink. I love this man so much that it hurts. We did our usual hellos and hug...me knowing what is in store for him tomorrow. He retreated to the basement now. I run a daycare so the upstairs is full of lil' kids laughing and playing. I keep reminding myself that I can't turn back now. My daughter saw the struggle in my face and when he left the room she gave me a hug. I don't doubt what needs to be done..I don't doubt my plan. I'm just nervous and scared. Scared of the unknown. Today my sponsor told me......she knows I am afraid of losing him, but in actuality I lost him awhile ago. I just want the man back that I married. The father that my children use to have. I know that is out of my hands though. To have him come in sober and loving, to see his face and see him happy to be home almost makes me want to retreat and not face what is really going on. I MUST STAY STRONG.

Sq, You are strong, stronger than you know, much stronger than me, when faced with the reality of active alcoholism. Your daughter is telling you, and your heart is telling you - stay strong, nothing changes if nothing changes. Still thinking of you, and watching your progress, know that you are in our hearts and thoughts, Much love, Flora

Well, I am halfway there to my destination (plan for the day anyway). By the grace of my HP I was very busy last night w/the last daycare kids leaving at 11pm.....baseball game was on and hubby just went to bed and fell asleep watching it. The evening wouldn't allow any time for him to want to be intimate. This morning I had kids starting at 6 am so when he got up I was already busy. I keep reminding myself that this HAS to be done. What keeps battling in my mind is how he isn't as bad as he was, say 6 months ago. Why didn't I do it then? But actually I do believe that I had all I could do to deal w/the immediate drunken bouts, taking care of me and the kids for the moment at hand. Now I somehow have found the strength to deal with the whole situation, almost as if there is a small break in severity to allow me opportunity to do what I need to do. It's difficult to have him NOT be drunk (but still be drinking) and confronting him about his disease and its effects. Although, past experience has taught me that he doesn't remember when he is drunk, so my attempts were fruitless. So in actuality now is the perfect timing. Now to just get thru this morning until midafternoon.

sq,

Just wanted to let you know I'll be thinking of you all day.  I also run a daycare. Keep busy with those kids.  Kids are the best joy in the world.  Good luck with this afternoon.  Keep us posted if you can.  Most of all stay safe.

Your friens in recovery NIKKILOU

Well, I did it.  It was the hardest thing to do.  I left him the letter and told him in the letter how I feel and that I expect sobriety out of our marriage.  That I wasn't going to let alcohol have power over me anymore, and that I have done all I can for four years and now it is time for me to take control over myself.  He has a choice.......either sober up now or look me up when he is sober.  Sunday will be the day we find out what choice has been made.

THE hardest is when he came to give me a hug goodbye thinking I was just running into town for errands.  To feel his arms around me, to hear that "I love you" crushed me.  I saw him earlier empty a case of beer into his cooler so I know what his plans are for the weekend.  I know that this morning was a small glimpse of him sober that I miss, but I also know that had I stayed in the house tonight would be the alcoholic that I am trying to get away from.

I haven't cried this hard in a long time.  Part of me wants to run back to him, but that isn't gonna help.  I deserve, the kids deserve and he deserves to be sober.  But it is all in his hands now.  I have waited too long giving someone else power and control..enough is enough.

So I drove to town and stopped by a friends house who is the Program.  There is a small gathering her later this afternoon for something unrelated and her suggestion was not to be alone right now. Feel the love and support and the Program around me.  So that's what I did. She wasn't home, but the door was unlocked so I came in, found this website and decided to pour my heart out here.

I'm so sad.  I can't quit crying.  I know my HP is there, I know his is there too.  I'm pissed that I am even in a position that I had to do this.  At this point I feel so raw.  But I know that this was for the best. This had to be done.  I don't regret or doubt what I did.

 

((((sq)))) You are so brave and working so hard.... Bravo to you. I've been logging on and off the board all day from the office looking for your update... Remember, sometime's it's not even one day at a time, but one hour or one minute at a time. You've take a very big step today. Remember, to breathe deeply, relax and let your HP guide you. Praying for a peaceful evening for you. Barb

SQ, BE STRONG... I was in your shoes just a month ago. I left for 5 days then after a commitment to change I came home. Well, it has gotten better however he is still drinking. Sneaking around thinking that I dont know.. When I left I cried so much my eyes were swollen shut.. I thought I had no more tears and they just kept coming.. I am sooo in your shoes.. Your daughter is right. They deserve better,... I know this in my head just wish my heart would let go. That is why I am here, to get strength.. So that next time I wont give in.. Next time I will have the strength to stay away. God Bless you.. I will pray for you.. Tammy

You are so brave.  I know how hard this is and you hurt, but this to shall pass.  I always ask myself what is the best thing for me today?  Today my answer is to live without him.  Keep around program people and keep talking to your HP for strength.  We are here for you

wow,

that was just like a flash back in time for me.

flash back to christmas, 2000.

i left in the middle of a huge snowstorm, and drove to my sister's 8 hours in driving wind and snow.  angels on my wheels i'm sure.

i too, worried what it would do to him.  i could not speak to him.  could not listen to the pain in his voice.  it would certainly bring me back to 'rescue' him.  i wrote him letters via email.  it enraged him.  of course in the beginning it was all about him.....  BUT  it drove him to his bottom and he went for help.  (i did not intend for that, i just had to get out).  i too asked him to leave for the sake of the children, to keep them in their own school etc.  and he complied. 

i wrote him about how this move was about ME for once.  how his drinking had affected me and my parenting.  how it had made our whole family sick.  i knew i would need a 12 step program to get better.  thank God for alanon!  and all my friends here and in my home group...

stay strong, you are on a path to sanity and serenity. 

remember that enabling keeps us all sick.  feeling pity for someone is not love.  sometimes, you gotta be tough to do the best for all involved.

ps.....my a are now back together after a 2 and 1/2 year separation.  we have been back together for 2 years......sometimes miracles happen.

 

jo

Howdy, Relationships are so interesting. I do respect what you are going through remember, it is a disease - my lil a and I r negotiating through this situation as well. Again, most regards, \/\/ille

You don't know how much you people mean to me. Thank you so much. Well, I got three messages on my cell phone Friday evening. One before he saw the letter asking me to go to dinner. Second one saying he read my email, knew it was coming and was going to eat (translation...bar since that is the only place by us) and the third was a broken message (from his cell) saying something about needing this and something about making calls. I never returned his call. I spent time w/my Program friends friday night then I headed out of town because I knew if I stayed close to home I would return home. Looking for some relaxation I found it really difficult to do. I ended up working my butt off Saturday till I was exhausted. Some friends needed some help moving trees and brush for a new house they are having built and I needed to keep my hands busy. That I did! I worked so hard I literally collapsed and fell asleep on their floor Saturday evening. Here is something that is amazing that I know my HP put in my life. One of the women that was there helping move brush raises Monarch butterflies. She finds the caterpillars and takes care of them until they hatch from their coccoon and then releases them. I had never met her before and she was showing me this box that she had where all these cristlis (sp?...I call them coccoons) were hanging from the top. She said there is one that was due to emerge any minute that day. I got to witness a monarch make it's way into the world. Something so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. Here was this thing in a cramped ugly environments, struggling to make its way out. It emerged this wet weak thing w/a potential for beauty. When it first "hatches" the wings are really wet and it hung on to her finger as the moisture dripped off. Little by little it got its strength and opened up its wings. You could see it growing stronger by the minute. Originally starting out hanging upside down on her finger, the stronger it got, it would crawl to the top of her finger and then she released it. I have NEVER had such a spiritual experience relating to how I was feeling before. Amazing. I slept like a rock last night and even slept quite a bit today. I felt okay driving home knowing that we were gonna have to face this. I walked into the house and he was in the bedroom watching television...blue book on the bed. I had prayed to my HP to help me find the words, to provide the opportunity and the courage and it was there. I started simply by saying "what are we gonna do?" and his reply was simply "I am gonna quit". I asked what his plan was and he told me he was going to go to meetings during the week when he is out of town. Then he asked me where I learned to run away...how had I told him what I was thinking he would have changed sooner. I knew not to buy into that and out of my mouth I told him that I did what I had to do, and this wasn't about me "running"..this was about me taking care of me. You could tell he was uncomfortable talking to me but he NEEDED to hear me. I needed him to see me cry......to see me hurt. I am tired of always bottling things up. He asked me if I believed he would sober up and I said the first thing that felt and that was no. For an instant I felt bad that I said it, but it was the truth. I have been down this road before and I know better. He said he has too much to lose and that he'll stop drinking and we will be okay. I asked him "what if we aren't" and he looked at me and said maybe too much damage is already done. The only thing that I could promise him is that I will not make a decision today in regards to our marriage. We both agreed that this isn't gonna change overnight..it is a process. I seriously don't know at this point what will happen. We both agreed that we have to work our own programs and came to a conclusion that we just don't know where this is gonna take us. I'm suprisingly okay tonight. I cried a lot today and I did hug him and told him I do love him. I told him that right now I don't have anything to emotionally invest in him. This can go many different ways......I guess only my HP knows and I am going to continue working my Program and living my life and allowing him to attempt to work his and let his HP help him. One thing that I did realize this weekend though...away from him I can breathe. I can be me. I laughed, I smiled, I cried, I lived. I felt a reprieve of sorts. We cried together and when I said I'm scared because I don't have the answers and I don't know where this is going he agreed. Today is just today. I am gonna focus on the process and not the outcome. I am going to pull my oars in and allow my HP to take me whever it is that I am to go.

-- Edited by sg at 08:41, 2005-08-22

Hi SQ, The butterfly story is amazing. How similar to us as we progress through the 12 steps and learn new healthy ways of living. Barb