Hi I hope u dont mind me posting to you, but have read some of your posts and think you can help me understand something .
I was married to my ex-A for 12 years during which time he had several affairs and drunk on and off throughout. He eventually left me and my 3 children to move in with another older women and her child. I was absolutely devasted. That was three years ago. in January 2005 he finished with this women and finally admitted he was a "real alcoholic" ( i am sure u will know what i mean by a "real alcoholic") During this time i supported him and we started renewing our relationship. Then he did his 12 steps and really worked his programme. He then told me he was going to the AA world convention in Canada (we are in the UK) and before he went said we could no longer continue with our relationship as I was part of his old ideas and he should not be involved with anyone maybe never would again. Once again i was upset but understood partly his thinking, his recovery must come first. He was behaving a lot better towards me and children at this time. He was in Canade for 10 days and on his return told me had met someone also an A and thought there might be a relationship with her. I again was upset. Since this time he seems to be working his programme , he is travelling a lot all over the world speaking at AA meetings . The thing is this , although he is certainly working his prgramme and everyone else can see a huge change in him, his behaviour towards us (the children and I) is still getting increasingly bad again. He is rude to me, ignorant, doesnot want to see much of the children, giving me grief about paying his maintenance etc. Why is this , if he is this changed man. It seems to me sometimes and this is awful to say , that he was a nicer person when he was drinking.
melanieL said
Aug 17, 2005
Just re-read my post and realised that I am obsessing . Would still like your perspective on things, but i know i have blown this out of proportion and should not let others affect the way I am feeling. Well at least I can see my part in it lol! So maybe there is hope for me yet.
lin0606 said
Aug 17, 2005
It looks to me that he is still controlling your happiness. He is going through all of these changes, and you are letting your serenity be affected by what he does. Sober or not, an A is too volatile for us to allow them to do this - it will always harm us. The only way to deal with it is to take charge of your own happiness, focus on yourself. If he ends up travelling along with you, in a way that makes you both happy, great. If not, well, you can still be happy.
Sometimes I think I should get "Focus on yourself" tattooed on my forehead, so I would see it every time I looked in a mirror. Then I would remember to do it!
UncleLou said
Aug 17, 2005
Sorry to hear about your situation. I have a lot of empathy right now for anyone who’s spouse has been having an affair.
His behavior is so much different than mine, I’m not sure I can be of any help. In all the years of drinking I never considered being with anyone but my wife. I came close on a business trip once. Drunk, met an attractive woman in a bar, and bought her a bunch of drinks. After some pretty personal conversation, she let me walk her to her car. My hotel was within walking distance of the parking lot so the thought did cross my mind. I kissed her good night and walked back to my room alone. Even drunk, I loved and respected my wife enough to honor my wedding vows. Right now I’m in so much pain, I feel like crying. How can parents do this kind of stuff and still look their kids in the eye. This is all very foreign to me. I had no idea my wife was capable of this. But enough about me.
Sounds to me like there’s something more going on here than alcoholism. He’s only been working the program for 6 or 7 months. I’ve learned that staying away from the drink is only one part of recovery. I also suffered from depression and feelings of no self esteem. Do you have any idea what else has been buried deep inside him with all those years of use? He may not even know himself at this point. But I know in my case, what was stuffed inside me all those years was even more painful to face than the alcoholism. I wish my wife had tried to understand that, maybe then she would have realized why I couldn’t give her what she wanted in my early recovery. Your case is different in that he left you.
Did he really work his 12 steps? Did he do his ninth and make amends to you and your kids? Doesn’t sound like to me.
You said “…I was part of his old ideas and he should not be involved with anyone maybe never would again..” I’m not sure I follow this. Is this just an excuse not to work things out with you? The only reasons I would have to get someone out of my life to help my recovery is if they were still abusing alcohol or drugs and refused to stop, or if they were a source of abuse to me. My wife is a social drinker, so I could handle her having a drink or glass of wine around me after I reached a certain point in my recovery. If she were abusing it, it would not be good for my recovery.
Doesn’t sound like his recovery is too solid so far. But you might want to ask yourself, like I need to ask myself, “what was MY part in this whole mess and what can I change about MYSELF for the better?”
Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful. Hang in there.
Uncle Lou
melanieL said
Aug 17, 2005
Thank you. He thinks he is a sex addict as well an A and his father is an A as well. He hasnt tried as far as I am aware to make any direct amends to me or the children but he has been told all he needs to do is write a letter and then burn it or throw it out of a car window to make amends and I guess where I am concerned this is possibly what he has done.
As far as old ideas are concerned, i dont know really what he meant by this except maybe he thinks i was enabling him. I probably did to a certain extent but I never lied for him i was just extremely unhappy.
I guess what i really wanted to ask was, in your opinion is this the behaviour of an A in early recovery?
On a more personally level I know exactly how you are feeling regarding your wife. When my husband left I felt like i had spent so many years supporting him and just when things were improving he left from someone else for a better life and I was left to cope with 3 children on my own . At time i felt like he had just punched me in the stomache and nothing was ever going to get better, but of course it does and you move on. We never know what life has in store for us, but whatever it turns out to be it is usually for the best. Your wife is extremely sick and maybe if she had stayed around it would have brought u down as well. Take this time apart to just concentrate on you, your recovery and what is best for your children. Whatever issues she has are hers (listen to me you would think i would take my own advise wouldnt you) But anyway we are all hear for you and you are in my prayers.
Many thanks
UncleLou said
Aug 17, 2005
Sorry, but writing it in a letter and getting rid of it is not making amends. As it says in the Big Book, "half measures availed us nothing." Good chance like he'll be drinking again.
If he is staying away from you saying that you were enabling him, that sounds like an excuse to justify his behavior. Another sign that he's going to drink again.
Sounds like the behavior of an Alcoholic in early recovery who needs to get beaten down some more before he is desperate enough to go to any lenghts to get sober. You're better off without him around until he's ready.
What is most dissapointing to me in my case is I know I'm ready. My wife has either refused to accept recovery or it's too late for use. The fact that she's involved with an active alcoholic now leads me to believe she's not ready. And the kids are the one who will suffer the most.
melanieL said
Aug 17, 2005
Think your right I am better off and so are you it seems, little point in being with someone who is angry and bitter and anyway from what you have said sounds like she is making excuses to justify her bad behaviour by blaming you when you are doing your absolute best. Unfortunately it is always the children who suffer most but all we can do is be there for them when they need us and try and not let our resentments cloud our judgement where they are concerned ( which is extremely hard). You are doing the best you can and no one can ask for anymore than that. Your children will appreciate your efforts in the long run. Take care . Lots of Love Mel
Hi I hope u dont mind me posting to you, but have read some of your posts and think you can help me understand something .
I was married to my ex-A for 12 years during which time he had several affairs and drunk on and off throughout. He eventually left me and my 3 children to move in with another older women and her child. I was absolutely devasted. That was three years ago. in January 2005 he finished with this women and finally admitted he was a "real alcoholic" ( i am sure u will know what i mean by a "real alcoholic") During this time i supported him and we started renewing our relationship. Then he did his 12 steps and really worked his programme. He then told me he was going to the AA world convention in Canada (we are in the UK) and before he went said we could no longer continue with our relationship as I was part of his old ideas and he should not be involved with anyone maybe never would again. Once again i was upset but understood partly his thinking, his recovery must come first. He was behaving a lot better towards me and children at this time. He was in Canade for 10 days and on his return told me had met someone also an A and thought there might be a relationship with her. I again was upset. Since this time he seems to be working his programme , he is travelling a lot all over the world speaking at AA meetings . The thing is this , although he is certainly working his prgramme and everyone else can see a huge change in him, his behaviour towards us (the children and I) is still getting increasingly bad again. He is rude to me, ignorant, doesnot want to see much of the children, giving me grief about paying his maintenance etc. Why is this , if he is this changed man. It seems to me sometimes and this is awful to say , that he was a nicer person when he was drinking.
Sorry to hear about your situation. I have a lot of empathy right now for anyone who’s spouse has been having an affair.
His behavior is so much different than mine, I’m not sure I can be of any help. In all the years of drinking I never considered being with anyone but my wife. I came close on a business trip once. Drunk, met an attractive woman in a bar, and bought her a bunch of drinks. After some pretty personal conversation, she let me walk her to her car. My hotel was within walking distance of the parking lot so the thought did cross my mind. I kissed her good night and walked back to my room alone. Even drunk, I loved and respected my wife enough to honor my wedding vows. Right now I’m in so much pain, I feel like crying. How can parents do this kind of stuff and still look their kids in the eye. This is all very foreign to me. I had no idea my wife was capable of this. But enough about me.
Sounds to me like there’s something more going on here than alcoholism. He’s only been working the program for 6 or 7 months. I’ve learned that staying away from the drink is only one part of recovery. I also suffered from depression and feelings of no self esteem. Do you have any idea what else has been buried deep inside him with all those years of use? He may not even know himself at this point. But I know in my case, what was stuffed inside me all those years was even more painful to face than the alcoholism. I wish my wife had tried to understand that, maybe then she would have realized why I couldn’t give her what she wanted in my early recovery. Your case is different in that he left you.
Did he really work his 12 steps? Did he do his ninth and make amends to you and your kids? Doesn’t sound like to me.
You said “…I was part of his old ideas and he should not be involved with anyone maybe never would again..” I’m not sure I follow this. Is this just an excuse not to work things out with you? The only reasons I would have to get someone out of my life to help my recovery is if they were still abusing alcohol or drugs and refused to stop, or if they were a source of abuse to me. My wife is a social drinker, so I could handle her having a drink or glass of wine around me after I reached a certain point in my recovery. If she were abusing it, it would not be good for my recovery.
Doesn’t sound like his recovery is too solid so far. But you might want to ask yourself, like I need to ask myself, “what was MY part in this whole mess and what can I change about MYSELF for the better?”
Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful. Hang in there.
Uncle Lou
Thank you. He thinks he is a sex addict as well an A and his father is an A as well. He hasnt tried as far as I am aware to make any direct amends to me or the children but he has been told all he needs to do is write a letter and then burn it or throw it out of a car window to make amends and I guess where I am concerned this is possibly what he has done.
As far as old ideas are concerned, i dont know really what he meant by this except maybe he thinks i was enabling him. I probably did to a certain extent but I never lied for him i was just extremely unhappy.
I guess what i really wanted to ask was, in your opinion is this the behaviour of an A in early recovery?
On a more personally level I know exactly how you are feeling regarding your wife. When my husband left I felt like i had spent so many years supporting him and just when things were improving he left from someone else for a better life and I was left to cope with 3 children on my own . At time i felt like he had just punched me in the stomache and nothing was ever going to get better, but of course it does and you move on. We never know what life has in store for us, but whatever it turns out to be it is usually for the best. Your wife is extremely sick and maybe if she had stayed around it would have brought u down as well. Take this time apart to just concentrate on you, your recovery and what is best for your children. Whatever issues she has are hers (listen to me you would think i would take my own advise wouldnt you) But anyway we are all hear for you and you are in my prayers.
Many thanks
Sorry, but writing it in a letter and getting rid of it is not making amends. As it says in the Big Book, "half measures availed us nothing." Good chance like he'll be drinking again.
If he is staying away from you saying that you were enabling him, that sounds like an excuse to justify his behavior. Another sign that he's going to drink again.
Sounds like the behavior of an Alcoholic in early recovery who needs to get beaten down some more before he is desperate enough to go to any lenghts to get sober. You're better off without him around until he's ready.
What is most dissapointing to me in my case is I know I'm ready. My wife has either refused to accept recovery or it's too late for use. The fact that she's involved with an active alcoholic now leads me to believe she's not ready. And the kids are the one who will suffer the most.