Does anyone ever think that it's ironic the way we all seek help in Alanon, with therapists, etc. when in fact our A's continue on with their lives drinking and drugging with no concern for us (or themselves).

I'm guessing that most of us are kind, loving, caring people (who Love our A's very much), but we are joined together because of the pain, etc.  I think so often that it would be wonderful if my A husband would get help for his deep-seated internal issues and alcoholism.  Instead it's me (a virtual non-drinker)...but at least we're all learning valuable lessons, although painful.

And even though I "gave up" and filed for divorce in June, I still pray for a miracle in his life...because I do still care but can't bare to continue living with him.  It's just all so sad.

I guess my feeling is that I would need the help, whether I was married to this A or not. What I have found in my life, and have seen from the stories of many people here, and also many other alanoners, is that if we were not married to THIS A, we would just be married to another one. We also have deep seated internal issues. I know that it is no accident that I married the man I did, and that I spent so many years living with his addictions. His need to blame fit hand-in-glove with my need to be blamed, his need to be taken care of fit with mine to caretake, and on and on. I know that while I was living with his active drinking, I sort of looked at myself as his victim, the innocent who all unawares wandered into the den of his drunkeness. However, as with the help of alanon I learn more about myself, I don't really feel that way anymore (at least, not unless I'm feeling sorry for myself!) The reality is that I had a part in the hell our lives were when he was drinking, and until I saw that clearly, I didn't really start to get better.

(((((((((((Heather)))))))))))))),

I agree with lin, I know if I wasn't with my husband, I would be with some other "A". And for the most part my "A" treats me very well. I feel he could be much worse.

I come to alanon to help me and to help me learn how to change old behaviors wich attract alcoholics/addicts. This program is essential to my over all healthiness, thank God I found it!

Much Love,

I've felt that way too. I'm listed as a Newbie because it's been so long since I was here I had to re-register. I got tired of being the one to be dealing with the problem when he wasn't, so I stopped doing it. Then I filed for divorce when I found out about his affair. I had thought there was nothing more he could do to hurt me before then. Divorce proceedings finally woke him up and he's now in recovery. I'm finding it a strange place to be.

Thanks to each of you for your very helpful responses.  It's definitely a time of much thinking, praying and trusting God for direction.

One thing that occurred to me today is that my only sibling (brother) and I are both in relationships w/ A's.  These are long-term relationships and firsts w/ A's (his 10 years; mine 17 years). Ironically, we were raised by loving, attentive parents who rarely drank...never even saw a six-pack in our house while growing-up.  So I wonder what's up with that?  hmmmm....

Heather, thank you for your post.  In thinking back when I first met my A, I remember that I thought that I was going to "save him."  I "saw" that he had a flaw in his thinking, but that I would somehow "save him."  What the heck was that all about?

Anyway, after 34 years of knowing him, he hasn't been "saved" yet, and we aren't getting any younger.

I would like my life to be "normal"--now I can't stand him when he is sober nor when he is drinking as he is still very selfish.  Oh, how I wish he would have an awakening, but that is God's job.

Love and blessings, Annie