I have a bit of a dilemma, I think I do know what the right thing is to do but just want to get a few opinions.
My A is supposed to be going to outpatient treatment, he is still using, not as much but is still using. He had to go to court last Thursday for a fight that he had gotten into with my son, the courts ordered him to continue to go to outpatient treatment and to have a breathalyzer taken each day (from the police or his outpatient counselor) until his next court date which is the end of September. I got a voicemail message from someone at some family services place saying what actually happened at court etc, and she said that if he is drinking at all I should call the cops and then they will arrest him and either take him to detox or to inpatient treatment or maybe even jail I'm not sure? I talked to my A about an hour ago and I'm pretty positive he was drinking and I'm wondering if I should actually call the police? I know that I really should but part of me doesn't want to, it sounds really stupid I know, I know he needs severe help, I know he needs to go to inpatient treatment but for some reason I'm hesitant about calling. I wish someone else would call, his parents, his brother, his counselor (she's knows he's had a few relapses). If I don't call I feel like I'm enabling him, on the other hand if I do call am I trying to "control" it?
Thanks for any input.
Kristi
Dolphin123 said
Aug 16, 2005
((((((((((Kristi)))))))))))))),
You said you already think you know the answer, just listen to your heart and you will do the right thing. I am really not sure what I would do in your situation. I would have to be in your shoes before I could make that decission.
Just Pray and meditate on it. I will be praying for you.
Much Love,
abbyal said
Aug 16, 2005
I only have one question are you and your son safe from physical violence?
UncleLou said
Aug 16, 2005
As a recovering Alcoholic maybe I can give you a different perspective. First of all, it doesn’t matter how much he is using. When I tried to control or taper down my consumption it only postponed the inevitable. If he had to go to court because of a fight, well, look at the first step.. “our lives had become unmanageable.” Sounds like it to me, what do you think?
For a real alcoholic (like me) who is still active, things never get better overall in the long run. You cannot expect him to get help for himself until he hits his bottom. I wish I had gotten help sooner, I was active for 20 years. The problem is, denial is not an optional part of this disease. We alcoholics actually believe the lies we tell ourselves to justify our behavior. If you love your husband, you’re not doing him any favors by covering for him. You’re not the one who got him drinking again and in a fight with your son,. He did. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions. If those consequences get him into inpatient treatment and eventually towards recovery, he will someday realize you did him a favor. Going to an impatient rehab is not a death sentence. It’s the best thing I ever did for myself. If he doesn’t get recovery, what difference does it make? His life will be miserable anyway. This disease is not pretty. It is chronic, progressive, and fatal. If I had been arrested DUI 15 to 20 years ago, it would have been horrible at the time, but maybe it would have gotten me into the program sooner and I wouldn’t have wasted all those years drinking miserably.
It sound like you already know what to do. Hang in there.
Uncle Lou
lin0606 said
Aug 16, 2005
Just want to add one thing to what Lou has said. I have noticed, when reading AA literature, or at AA meetings I have attended, they refer to what we would call an active A, as 'the alcoholic still suffering".
When my husband was put in the position of going to rehab or losing his job, he pretended that he didn't want to go, but in actuality he grabbed at the chance like a drowning man at a life belt. I think if he had not felt 'forced' to go, he never would have, or not until things were much worse.
Good luck to both of you, whatever you decide.
dove said
Aug 16, 2005
Make the call. That way you are taking care of your self and your son, and you are doing the best and msot appropriate thing for your A.
Good luck. It does take courage.
lildee said
Aug 16, 2005
Dearest Silverhusk,
I was just faced with a very similar situation. Hubby relapsed. Now what do I call his sponsor the police or what. I called his sponsor. As the truth came out he has been on a binge for 10 months. So a lot of work to do there. In my heart I know making the call was the right thing. If I didn't he may still be using today. So he is back in the world of reality and hard knocks but he has 5 days clean. Five more than if I didn't call.
I can only tell you what I did. I am not in your shoes and don't know what reprocussions will come from you making the call that is for you and God to decide.
Good luck on your decision
lildee
isabela40 said
Aug 17, 2005
I am going to go out on a limb here and let you know that I never think it is OK to turn family members into the police.
Of course I wouldn't shield them from the police either, I would simply have NOTHING to do with it either way.
The judicial system is not as interested in people's long term welfare as their loved ones are, but rather enforcement and punishment. They don't care that much about your husband or wether or not he gets sober, but just do as the law dictates. The law is more interested in public safety NOT the safety health and security of one person. That is what families are for.
It just seems a little unseemly to me to ask a wife to be spy for the court on her husband and to snitch on him when they cannot be around...it just does not sound right to me.
Remember, I said I would not shield them or lie for them either. But, spying, snitching, turning my mate in are all OUT.
If he keeps on using he willl eventually be found out ANYWAY, without you snitching on him. How will you sleep at night knowing YOU turned him in? Once you get into the clutches of the legal system you never know where that will take you, it may take you where you may not want to go.
Isn't it better to let him reap the consequences of his own actions? Wouldn't it be great if he could find help WITHOUT getting sucked into the legal system?
Maybe this is a cultural difference, but I don't understand this thing about wives turning their husbands into the POLICE...isn't it better to hope they get help without this? Legal trouble is very serious, it can follow you forever, keep you from getting a good job...doesn't seem right for a wife to do that.
I am interested in getting my husband HELP...NOT PUNISHMENT.
Just my two cents...
Isabela
browneyes said
Aug 17, 2005
hi Silverhusk
I just wanted to let you know that whatever YOU decide please don't feel like you are being judged for the the decision YOU make. Only you know what is right for you in your situation. Maybe talk to HP and the answer will lie there. It is a very difficult decision to make, no matter who is involved. ((((((Silverhusk)))))))
I have to say I respectfully disagree with Isabela in that all law enforcement does is punish people. I have met a lot of officers in the system over the years (my husband being in and out of prison and rehab) and all of them have wished our family the best and have tried to help my husband in many ways. They in no way tried to punish hin for his mistakes, they let him do that for himself. They even let him make a private call to me when I had my daughter in the hospital and let him hold her "behind the glass". Family matters to them too as they are human beings also.
Of course it would be better if they got help in a different way! But if this does help him in that he gets in an inpatient program quicker I do not see the problem. Would it be better if he entered the leagal system after he killed someone on the road high or drunk? He is already in the legal system because he hurt someone. I am not saying that you should do this or that, i just disagree with Isabela in that protecting society we harm our loved ones. They are already harming themselves, if they are going to harm society, should we just sit by and let them????
Anyway, I got off topic. Sorry!!!! I hope that everything works out for YOU and you are taking care of yourself the best way you can. I am praying for you and your family.....
Good Luck
Love, Julie D.
Jazz said
Aug 17, 2005
I have to agree with Julie. Police Officers are human, not law-enforcing robots.
If you call, you are not controlling the drinking. You are providing information to people who can give your A help, and what they then do with that information is their responsibility, just as your A's drinking is his responsibility.
You will make whatever choice is right for you.
I have a bit of a dilemma, I think I do know what the right thing is to do but just want to get a few opinions.
My A is supposed to be going to outpatient treatment, he is still using, not as much but is still using. He had to go to court last Thursday for a fight that he had gotten into with my son, the courts ordered him to continue to go to outpatient treatment and to have a breathalyzer taken each day (from the police or his outpatient counselor) until his next court date which is the end of September. I got a voicemail message from someone at some family services place saying what actually happened at court etc, and she said that if he is drinking at all I should call the cops and then they will arrest him and either take him to detox or to inpatient treatment or maybe even jail I'm not sure? I talked to my A about an hour ago and I'm pretty positive he was drinking and I'm wondering if I should actually call the police? I know that I really should but part of me doesn't want to, it sounds really stupid I know, I know he needs severe help, I know he needs to go to inpatient treatment but for some reason I'm hesitant about calling. I wish someone else would call, his parents, his brother, his counselor (she's knows he's had a few relapses). If I don't call I feel like I'm enabling him, on the other hand if I do call am I trying to "control" it?
Thanks for any input.
Kristi
((((((((((Kristi)))))))))))))),
You said you already think you know the answer, just listen to your heart and you will do the right thing. I am really not sure what I would do in your situation. I would have to be in your shoes before I could make that decission.
Just Pray and meditate on it. I will be praying for you.
Much Love,
As a recovering Alcoholic maybe I can give you a different perspective. First of all, it doesn’t matter how much he is using. When I tried to control or taper down my consumption it only postponed the inevitable. If he had to go to court because of a fight, well, look at the first step.. “our lives had become unmanageable.” Sounds like it to me, what do you think?
For a real alcoholic (like me) who is still active, things never get better overall in the long run. You cannot expect him to get help for himself until he hits his bottom. I wish I had gotten help sooner, I was active for 20 years. The problem is, denial is not an optional part of this disease. We alcoholics actually believe the lies we tell ourselves to justify our behavior. If you love your husband, you’re not doing him any favors by covering for him. You’re not the one who got him drinking again and in a fight with your son,. He did. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions. If those consequences get him into inpatient treatment and eventually towards recovery, he will someday realize you did him a favor. Going to an impatient rehab is not a death sentence. It’s the best thing I ever did for myself. If he doesn’t get recovery, what difference does it make? His life will be miserable anyway. This disease is not pretty. It is chronic, progressive, and fatal. If I had been arrested DUI 15 to 20 years ago, it would have been horrible at the time, but maybe it would have gotten me into the program sooner and I wouldn’t have wasted all those years drinking miserably.
It sound like you already know what to do. Hang in there.
Uncle Lou
Make the call. That way you are taking care of your self and your son, and you are doing the best and msot appropriate thing for your A.
Good luck. It does take courage.
Dearest Silverhusk,
I was just faced with a very similar situation. Hubby relapsed. Now what do I call his sponsor the police or what. I called his sponsor. As the truth came out he has been on a binge for 10 months. So a lot of work to do there. In my heart I know making the call was the right thing. If I didn't he may still be using today. So he is back in the world of reality and hard knocks but he has 5 days clean. Five more than if I didn't call.
I can only tell you what I did. I am not in your shoes and don't know what reprocussions will come from you making the call that is for you and God to decide.
Good luck on your decision
lildee
I am going to go out on a limb here and let you know that I never think it is OK to turn family members into the police.
Of course I wouldn't shield them from the police either, I would simply have NOTHING to do with it either way.
The judicial system is not as interested in people's long term welfare as their loved ones are, but rather enforcement and punishment. They don't care that much about your husband or wether or not he gets sober, but just do as the law dictates. The law is more interested in public safety NOT the safety health and security of one person. That is what families are for.
It just seems a little unseemly to me to ask a wife to be spy for the court on her husband and to snitch on him when they cannot be around...it just does not sound right to me.
Remember, I said I would not shield them or lie for them either. But, spying, snitching, turning my mate in are all OUT.
If he keeps on using he willl eventually be found out ANYWAY, without you snitching on him. How will you sleep at night knowing YOU turned him in? Once you get into the clutches of the legal system you never know where that will take you, it may take you where you may not want to go.
Isn't it better to let him reap the consequences of his own actions? Wouldn't it be great if he could find help WITHOUT getting sucked into the legal system?
Maybe this is a cultural difference, but I don't understand this thing about wives turning their husbands into the POLICE...isn't it better to hope they get help without this? Legal trouble is very serious, it can follow you forever, keep you from getting a good job...doesn't seem right for a wife to do that.
I am interested in getting my husband HELP...NOT PUNISHMENT.
Just my two cents...
Isabela
hi Silverhusk
I just wanted to let you know that whatever YOU decide please don't feel like you are being judged for the the decision YOU make. Only you know what is right for you in your situation. Maybe talk to HP and the answer will lie there. It is a very difficult decision to make, no matter who is involved. ((((((Silverhusk)))))))
I have to say I respectfully disagree with Isabela in that all law enforcement does is punish people. I have met a lot of officers in the system over the years (my husband being in and out of prison and rehab) and all of them have wished our family the best and have tried to help my husband in many ways. They in no way tried to punish hin for his mistakes, they let him do that for himself. They even let him make a private call to me when I had my daughter in the hospital and let him hold her "behind the glass". Family matters to them too as they are human beings also.
Of course it would be better if they got help in a different way! But if this does help him in that he gets in an inpatient program quicker I do not see the problem. Would it be better if he entered the leagal system after he killed someone on the road high or drunk? He is already in the legal system because he hurt someone. I am not saying that you should do this or that, i just disagree with Isabela in that protecting society we harm our loved ones. They are already harming themselves, if they are going to harm society, should we just sit by and let them????
Anyway, I got off topic. Sorry!!!! I hope that everything works out for YOU and you are taking care of yourself the best way you can. I am praying for you and your family.....
Good Luck
Love, Julie D.