I have been struggling with my feelings all weekend.  Sometimes feeling positive about my decision about leaving my husband and sometimes feeling that maybe I made a mistake.  I shared in a post a few days ago about leaving my husband 11 days ago.  I took a stand after having insults hurled at me and said "I don't have to put up with this crap anymore!" and left.  I have not heard from him at all and I have been questioning myself.  Asking myself if this means that he really doesn't love me at all?  Have I been fooling myself for 3 years now?  Does he just not care whether our marriage ends or not? I have read so much Alanon literature over the weekend and even been taking my inventory to see what role I play in this.  I keep hearing "Denial".  Is that what he is experiencing?  Denial that there is anything wrong with our marriage?  Denial that he sometimes treats me like crap?  I came to the realization this weekend that my biggest fear is that he won't need me anymore and his greatest fear is that he will. I have prayed for guidance and patience. I have struggled with whether or not this is God's will.  Was I trying to force a solution?  When I left it was not to punish, it was to show my husband that I do deserve respect!  So I sit here and do nothing because I don't have the answers yet. Will I be able to recognize the solution even if it is put before me? I just needed to vent guys.  Thanks

 

JulieLynn

Hi Julie Lynn,

I just wanted to give you a big (((((((((((((HUG)))))))))).  I know where your coming from.  I'm thinking about leaving my A too.  He  is sober but still very selfish.  My mind goes back and forth all the time.  I have no real good answers to your questions.  But give it time they will come.  Come to meeting keep posting and things will become more clear to you.

I wish you all the best in your recovery

NIKKILOU

Good Morning!

I know in times of insanity I think that when I leave for a couple hours at a time. That I want my A to care that I'm gone.  For years I use to think, if I leave surely he will "change his ways."  LOL I found out last year when I got in trouble for throwing that phone at him, I went to jail (only for 5 hours, but that was enough) then the state put a "no contact" order in effect!  I lived at my in-laws for 3 1/2 weeks.  He didn't "change his ways" he was drunk and high almost the whole three weeks.  If it weren't for my oldest son, the pets wouldn't have been fed or got to go outside to go potty.  He didn't vacuum etc.  It was horrid when I got to come home.  Oh yeah, and when I did come home, he stopped that night after work to hang out with his buddies!  When the reality hit me that no matter what, I can't make him "change his ways" it was a horrible realization to me.  I think that is when I knew I have to focus on me and the kids.  Hang in there.

Hugs Mary

 

Hello Julie - we are always second guessing ourselves  gets to be a way of life. Well for me big dicissions like the one u made always has a motive behind it and if I was trying to teach him a lesson or to prove apoint  I am usually the one who learns the lesson.  Your husbands drinking has nothing to do with not loving you , he is letting alcohol run his life at the  moment and there isnothing u can do about that.  You are not the reason he drinks and you proabably won't be the reason he quits. This is not your problem to fix it's his so leave it with him.

Your asking about his denial , here we deal with our denial and for most it runs deep,you don't say if your attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself if not I would encourage u to go , it will give u a l ittle more understanding of what your dealing with  and how it is truly affecting your life. When u live with alcoholism our thinking becomes a little distorted  and we need to get our lives back on track and you can do that while continuing to live with the A or not.

Al-Anon will show u how.  So I hope u find a meeting soon it truly will change your life ;good luck  Louise

Hi julielynn

 

(((Julielyn)))

 

I left my husband in May and it has been a hard lonely time.

The decision took 10 months of alanon and alot of meetings and readings and much prayer.

On some level i hoped (but knew better) that he would find recovery.

he has not.

But my recovery has accelerated.

I no longer take 4 sleeping pills a night to sleep through loud noises and lights in my eyes

i no longer earn all the money and have no access to it.

I bought a truck for myself so i didn't have to walk every where.

for me, it was just time.

I still have nighmares about the intense verbal and emotional abuse that I enduerd.

i have nightmares that my husband will shoot me in the night

I am getting stronger.

I have filed for divorce.

this finally woke my husband up to "alcoholism ruined our marriage" but he blames his genes and is not seeking recovery sigh...

 

So for me, leaving was to save myself, my health and my sanity

 

I pray for you to find the path meant for you

 

megan

Hi Julielyn,

I am new here as well and know what you are going through.  I was finally successful at getting my husband to leave about 5 weeks ago and although I am lonely my life is much better.  We have a baby and I am so grateful for my daughter - she is 10 months.  I got back with him too many times already and feel like I have wasted alot of my life already.

He's not staying too far from me - but obviously far enough that he hasn't seen his daughter in 5 weeks. 

My next steps need to be to file for that divorce but it so so hard to do - I need to find the strength to put this relationship behind me forever. 

Hang in there.

JulieLynn,

Keep praying and your HP will answer. The hard aprt about that is that it is in his time, not ours. You did what you thought was right and nobody can fault you for that.

Your in my Prayers.

Much Love,

I read your post and all the responses. It is so sad that the A's are loved so much, but their disease is almost impossible for us to live with. My first thought was, as I read, we did not leave our loved ones, we left the horrible disease controlling them. I find it easier to think of it that way. The disease makes them want their drug of choice more than their own children, more than their spouses, parents etc. So we know it must be horribly powerful. Our feelings for our children are so strong, the strongest thing we will ever feel, yet the A can walk away from them. There is no rationalizing any of what they do or don't do. Their brains are not working normally at all. Even if they are sober, they are still driven by the disease. A program of recovery is like a map for them. They refer to it, pray to hp to be able to follow it, it is an individual plan that helps them to be as normal as they can. We naturally may be honest, it is not natural for most of them, we choose not to use profanity and not lose control of our anger, they need a program on how to direct their anger appropriately. So many things that a program of recovery covers. They are not going to make it without one. The way some of us feel about our A's is an addiction. Love apparently stimulates the same part of the brain as addiction/drugs. So of course we miss them, long for them and wonder if we did the right thing. Of course we have this wild fantasy, well maybe next time we talk he will have been going to AA and have a job and a plan to get me back. To be honest, I have never heard of that happening. Usually when they are in recovery, sobriety is number one. Meetings, program etc are number one. I don't believe A's love the way a non addict does. Not saying they don't love, it just is not as bonding or based on much want. It may satisfy a need sometimes, but they want what their addiction wants them too. So I agree, we, though we would rather work on the "us", have to look inside and give to ourselves what we need/ want. It is very hard to change so much. We planned to be married or together forever. Here we are alone again. Where did that come from??? It took me years to realize I was ok just as me. I don't want to buy him socks anymore or think about buying the food he likes. It killed me at first. There are so many losses when we leave the A. No extra toothbrush, no adult voice besides ours, no one else in the house or in the yard. I always ask where is my Mr. Bumble. I loved how we were growing older together and would be fixing the barn or putting up a new pig house. I loved it when I would say it is your turn to cook. He never made anything but spegetti, but it was the best. We will be ok, we will grow, think positive, see the sky, appreciate the full moon. Most A's don't see that after awhile. They pile pain over pain over pain, layers and layers of bs until they feel nothing anymore. Be as strong as you can. Try to get to where it does not matter whether he loves you or not. I am at that point now. I said to him well when I had to face that you did not love me anymore.... and he just said, well gotta go. It was like he did not even hear me. And I see him sitting across from me, in our little house all decorated with candles and flowers and The Mummers Dance playing , saying our own written vows, him scared to death with tears running down his face....... I had his love for a little while, I know it. Now I keep it inside, so I can cherish it for a life time. hugs to you all, debilyn

Thank you Debilyn - your words really touched me and are so so true.  I tried for 9 years of marriage to be faithful to the "promises of marriage" and the love I had for my A - I have to think about the life of my child now and being with such a "dysfunctional" alcoholic as a role model and caregiver.  I know in my heart no matter what I want I need to do what is best for her and that is not to be with her father.  I will always love him and I cry for the path that his life has taken - such a lonely, sick road.  I also cry for my daughter who may never have the chance to have a dad or to see what a good man he could be.  I need to stay strong.

As someone who has been successful with this program your wise words mean so much and I hope to get to that point of forgiveness and strength.