I've been to a couple face to face meetings and I've been readin the posts on here for a few days. I have been too shy to speak up in the meetings so far and so I thought I'd run some things from in my head past you guys. First of all why am I here? I have a 'qualifier'-my boyfriend who drinks every day and smokes pot...but I also have a history of being with drunks and stoners and speed freaks as boyfriends for years, and before that, my therapist told me to go to alateen when I was a kid but I never went (because my mom is crazy but she's not a drunk and I didn't think I'd fit there). Also, I've gotten myself into social work for a career and it is essential to my emotional survival at this point that I learn better habits for myself.
Given all that, I still want to ask 'do I belong here'. He (my 'a', I guess) isn't mean to me and he doesn't break his promises and he's a pretty good listener. We have a lot in common intellectually and spiritually and I always get treated with respect. The only way I'm effected by the drinking are that #1 he's too drunk for sex ussually, and #2 he has a lot of anxiety and depression that keeps a distance between us emotionally. he has a hard time talking about his feelings and being specific with me about his fears and stuff. Avoids conflict like the plague.
Wow. now that I write that out it does sound like a lot...
I am trying to go to thirty meetings in thirty days but I don't want to tell him I'm going. Not cause he'll be mad(he wouldn't be), but because maybe he'll be embarrassed. He's been starting to wonder himself if he has a problem lately and I'm afraid he'd be humiliated if he knew _I_was getting help related to his problem. I'm afraid it would throw off the delicate balance of his journey to dealing with this himself. I feel like I'm hiding something from him though.
Overall, i think I'm not really going to meetings because _this_ boyfriends drinks. I'm going because I know that _I'm_ always around addicts. I always choose them and it goes poorly and its never quite the love I think I deserve when I am with an addict, and I want to learn about and fix that part of myself that needs to be the other half of that for some reason.
but I don't talk in the meeting because I feel like I need to 'explain why I came' and I'm still all muddles about why I've started going to al-anon. I think maybe my problems aren't bad enough. I get an intuition I am supposed to go to these meetings but I feel aprehensive and I'm starting to talk myself out of it too.
what do I do now?
danz123 said
Aug 15, 2005
Hi Eileen,
Welcome to alanon. I think you belong here because someone's drinking/drugging is bothering you. Alanon offers us so many tools to live with addicts/alcoholics. Alanon is a program for us so that we can recover from living with alcoholism.The steps, slogans, literature, and sponsors are all so helpful. It's ok if you don't share in a meeting. Listening is important and when you are ready you will share. You are not alone and will meet many people living in your shoes.
What should you do now? Keep going to meetings and read the literature. There is a link to the chatroom on the main page. There is usually someone there 24/7. We have online meetings twice a day too. Stop in for a visit and keep posting here. Hope to meet you in the room soon.
hugs,
danz
DanaAngel said
Aug 15, 2005
First of all, welcome to the board Eileen. You came to a good place to be open and share. I, too, sometimes question whether I belong in Alanon meetings (when I actually go to a 'real" face to face meeting that is). My multiple recovering addict has been sober in AA now for almost 19 years. And still struggles with other issues, hence the multiple addict tag. Although when I do go there is usually always something in the meeting that is beneficial to me. So I don't have the issues of living with an active addict so sometimes that makes me question whether I should go to Alanon meetings. So in my experience when I am open I do hear stuff I need to get in my life. Sometimes I refer to Alanon as "Life 101" because that is how it occurs for me. I grew up in a rather emotional distant dysfunctional family of origin and sometimes I find myself going to meetings just due to that past situation. I wish I would have had it back in junior high school when my world was spinning around and confused. No alcohol, just crazy workaholic parent related stuff. My parents loved me and did the best they could at the time but still showed little physical affection. I don't know if any of this helped you, but it was good to see it typed out. Stick around, go to some online meetings and see how that fits for you. I actually like this board a lot since I like to write and read.
Welcome- Dana
lin0606 said
Aug 15, 2005
One thing to keep in mind, is that you don't have to say "why you came" at meetings. It sounds like you are going for the right reasons, to work on yourself, rather than to try to change your boyfriend, so you are already ahead of the game.
You could start by saying just what you have said here "I'm always picking addicts, why do I do the things I do?"
One thing I have found about sharing at alanon meetings - once I start talking, I find out things that I did not know I knew. There is something about saying it out loud, that kick starts the brain into making connections that just don't happen when we run these things over and over in our heads.
You ARE in the right place, just take it easy, see where it takes you.
Dolphin123 said
Aug 15, 2005
Hi Eileen,
Welcome to alanon. Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics, so it sounds to me like you need alanon!
When I was reading your post I was reminded of something my "A" once told me years ago. He was told in treatment that his "picker" was broken. He told me mine was to. After I was in alanon for a while a realized that everyone I ever dated or had a relationship with was an alcoholic/addict. So my "A" is right my "picker" is broken.
Alanon has helped me to work on this, and I am doing much better. I am still with my "A", but I am learning how to make healthy friendships.
Keep coming back. This program works.
Much Love,
Mandy
abbyal said
Aug 15, 2005
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was " GO TO THE MEETINGS AND THINK ABOUT IT LATER.!!!!!! GIVE US A FEW MONTHS AND SEE HOW U FEEL . good luck Louise
kathy570 said
Aug 16, 2005
Welcome Eileen,
This is a great place to be - Life 101 - as some call it. This board & the online meetings help in many ways of our lives. Here there is strenght, hope & encouragement.
The best part of Alanon is that it teaches to work & change ourselves - that we have NO power or conrol over other people, place or things. It teaches great coping skills for life in general. Take what you need and leave the rest. I grew up with A parents, am myself a recovering A and hubby is active A. This has been a GREAT lifeline for me.
I've been to a couple face to face meetings and I've been readin the posts on here for a few days. I have been too shy to speak up in the meetings so far and so I thought I'd run some things from in my head past you guys. First of all why am I here? I have a 'qualifier'-my boyfriend who drinks every day and smokes pot...but I also have a history of being with drunks and stoners and speed freaks as boyfriends for years, and before that, my therapist told me to go to alateen when I was a kid but I never went (because my mom is crazy but she's not a drunk and I didn't think I'd fit there). Also, I've gotten myself into social work for a career and it is essential to my emotional survival at this point that I learn better habits for myself.
Given all that, I still want to ask 'do I belong here'. He (my 'a', I guess) isn't mean to me and he doesn't break his promises and he's a pretty good listener. We have a lot in common intellectually and spiritually and I always get treated with respect. The only way I'm effected by the drinking are that #1 he's too drunk for sex ussually, and #2 he has a lot of anxiety and depression that keeps a distance between us emotionally. he has a hard time talking about his feelings and being specific with me about his fears and stuff. Avoids conflict like the plague.
Wow. now that I write that out it does sound like a lot...
I am trying to go to thirty meetings in thirty days but I don't want to tell him I'm going. Not cause he'll be mad(he wouldn't be), but because maybe he'll be embarrassed. He's been starting to wonder himself if he has a problem lately and I'm afraid he'd be humiliated if he knew _I_was getting help related to his problem. I'm afraid it would throw off the delicate balance of his journey to dealing with this himself. I feel like I'm hiding something from him though.
Overall, i think I'm not really going to meetings because _this_ boyfriends drinks. I'm going because I know that _I'm_ always around addicts. I always choose them and it goes poorly and its never quite the love I think I deserve when I am with an addict, and I want to learn about and fix that part of myself that needs to be the other half of that for some reason.
but I don't talk in the meeting because I feel like I need to 'explain why I came' and I'm still all muddles about why I've started going to al-anon. I think maybe my problems aren't bad enough. I get an intuition I am supposed to go to these meetings but I feel aprehensive and I'm starting to talk myself out of it too.
what do I do now?
Hi Eileen,
Welcome to alanon. I think you belong here because someone's drinking/drugging is bothering you. Alanon offers us so many tools to live with addicts/alcoholics. Alanon is a program for us so that we can recover from living with alcoholism.The steps, slogans, literature, and sponsors are all so helpful. It's ok if you don't share in a meeting. Listening is important and when you are ready you will share. You are not alone and will meet many people living in your shoes.
What should you do now? Keep going to meetings and read the literature. There is a link to the chatroom on the main page. There is usually someone there 24/7. We have online meetings twice a day too. Stop in for a visit and keep posting here. Hope to meet you in the room soon.
hugs,
danz
First of all, welcome to the board Eileen. You came to a good place to be open and share. I, too, sometimes question whether I belong in Alanon meetings (when I actually go to a 'real" face to face meeting that is). My multiple recovering addict has been sober in AA now for almost 19 years. And still struggles with other issues, hence the multiple addict tag. Although when I do go there is usually always something in the meeting that is beneficial to me. So I don't have the issues of living with an active addict so sometimes that makes me question whether I should go to Alanon meetings. So in my experience when I am open I do hear stuff I need to get in my life. Sometimes I refer to Alanon as "Life 101" because that is how it occurs for me. I grew up in a rather emotional distant dysfunctional family of origin and sometimes I find myself going to meetings just due to that past situation. I wish I would have had it back in junior high school when my world was spinning around and confused. No alcohol, just crazy workaholic parent related stuff. My parents loved me and did the best they could at the time but still showed little physical affection. I don't know if any of this helped you, but it was good to see it typed out. Stick around, go to some online meetings and see how that fits for you. I actually like this board a lot since I like to write and read.
Welcome- Dana
Hi Eileen,
Welcome to alanon. Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics, so it sounds to me like you need alanon!
When I was reading your post I was reminded of something my "A" once told me years ago. He was told in treatment that his "picker" was broken. He told me mine was to. After I was in alanon for a while a realized that everyone I ever dated or had a relationship with was an alcoholic/addict. So my "A" is right my "picker" is broken.
Alanon has helped me to work on this, and I am doing much better. I am still with my "A", but I am learning how to make healthy friendships.
Keep coming back. This program works.
Much Love,
Mandy
Welcome Eileen,
This is a great place to be - Life 101 - as some call it. This board & the online meetings help in many ways of our lives. Here there is strenght, hope & encouragement.
The best part of Alanon is that it teaches to work & change ourselves - that we have NO power or conrol over other people, place or things. It teaches great coping skills for life in general. Take what you need and leave the rest. I grew up with A parents, am myself a recovering A and hubby is active A. This has been a GREAT lifeline for me.
Welcome & glad you are here.
God Bless
Yours in Recovery.
Kathy570