wow, don't be shy girl!! lol this was a great thought provoking post. Thank you for sharing so very much! My scoundrel A has been gone really since he had the brain surgery in 99. Lost his years of sobriety, AA, ability to love, ability to be him anymore, lost his ability to be able to be in recovery. He is brain damaged. No I do not want to live with him. As far as doing what God wants, that is number one with me. Marriage, like children is a gift from God. Does not mean it will be easy, all loving. But for me it has been a learning experience, has made me grow up and has taught me who I am. The Bible clearly states we are not free to remarry unless our spose dies or commits adultery. So for me, I stay married. Sure I could remarry and be in love and not go thru this lonliness anymore. But I refuse to hurt my creator, when I know it is wrong. IF I did divorce and remarry, it would be becuz i did do what Satan would love for me to do, turn my back on my vows. This is ME. my experience. Detachment to me is not really much how anyone sees it but me. For me it is not giving the disease any attention. I let go, or detach from caring about it. I don't want to know if he is drunk high or whatever. I don't care to know what the disease has made him do now. I don't care to know if he lies, or if he does not. It is NOT my problem. I am married to a very sick person. His disease is his own. I did not promise to get all involved in his messes. I am commited to loving him. If he gets sick and goes to the hospital i will be there. IF he comes and visits we sit and talk and maybe work on something. If he calls I ignore the drunk talk. I don't respond. Who wants to talk talk to cancer or cp or what ever? I don't. I want to talk to my a or listen to my A. If I feel i want to listen I will, I won't engage in any bs though. I just say gotta go feed, gotta go fix a fence, thanks for calling. I don't want to touch bs. do you? so I don't. And believe me, for someone to say, I will never get detachment.... well guess what? You won't. It is a self fulfilling prophesy. LIke I will never remember well you won't. Say I will remember just a sec. I cannot change the behavior, I cannot change him to not drink, I cannot stop him from lieing, I have no control over this. So I let it go. I don't care, I don't care I dont' care. I don't! It has no POWER over me. I no longer get angry or frustrated or hate him. I don't want to yell or throw things or take him to rehab or to AA. It is none of my business. In a relationship with an A, I find it is not like a socalled normal relationship. It cannot be. So for me I use the alanon skills to make it as workable as I can. If I freak out about all the bs the disease brings, crimany I would be nuts, well I was nuts... lol but serenity comes when I detach, I surrendered, I stopped allowing the disease to control me. Stopped falling into the little pits it threw in my path. I expect him to lie, I expect him to drink and use heroin. I hope he will have some good sober time. I hope maybe a miracle will happen and he will get well. I Have faith that I was given this wonderful think called marriage, for a reason I mean it is a gift. So here is your marriage Debilyn. What have you learned??? I learned I am strong i learned I am very commited I learned I have high morals I learned just how much I love my scoundrel husband I learned to fix plumbing I learned to put in adoor and window in I learned to do sheet rock I learned to fix a pump I learned to detach from that which has no power over me I found alanon I found innner peace I found needles, empty vodka bottles and I just left them and went on I learned when to say yes and when to say no I learned there is no greater love than to stay married to someone I rarely see though I want to, rarely talk to, though I want to, rarely get kissed by, though ' IU really want to I learned the one day at a time means one day at a time. It is taken from the bible what better guide is that? I learned to not be anxious, to do what i can today and go to sleep at night. Pay what I can today, make arrangements today, feed what i can today, clean what I can, fix what i can. and then rest and play and love, each day. find wonder each day. I have seen, becuz of this marriage, a woman grow up into someone I like and love very much. I have seen her go thru being spoiled and having everything to living in her barn almost homeless to climbing out herself and now living in her 3 bedroom house, with five acres of an animal sanctuary in paradise. I see her still married thru the abuse, the lies the horror of alcoholism, to finding alanon and now not allowing any of the above to occur anymore becuz it no longer controls my life. I have my own income, I Have my own home, i have my own 78 shorbed chevypickup even though he is old I would put him against any new piece of tin any day. With out this GROUP lol I would be dead. Dead from pills all put out in front of me. The room of people I will never forget gave me hope. All I knew at the time was my mother was dead, my best friend was dead and my husband was a sick maniac. the room made me reach out to my face to face friends who all of a sudden were here at my farm, keeping me from using the gun I had in the barn. If you call living sleeping in this huge bed with two Basset hounds and wall to wall other dogs at night, having to step over a pot bellied pig to go potty at night, spraying down 21 pigs when it is hot, having A call and really listen and enjoy him, to going to see him and accept him as is and enjoy him, and i admit sometimes I think crap why did he say that or why did he do that,,, duh the insanity thing. I know he cannot care about me, I know he does not love me, I know he has nothing to give me. But I have stuff to give him. I do what i feel comfy and walk away. I learned that from Jesus when he was here. He even talked to murderers and prostitutes and men of great power who did not believe. But he gave what he had to give, did not let their crap interfere with what he had to do and went on. blab blab. I guess I spilled it didn't i... oops. well I gotta go save the dogs who are roasting at the den door. How dare I make them go outside....love,debilyn smoinks

debilyn:

Awesome post-- thanks for sharing your response.  :)   I too have learned from Jesus who if he were here would be with murderers and many others who sin terribly.  However, I also learned from Jesus that He has wiped the sand from his feet and did walk away from those who interfered with the purpose God had for His life-- those that suppressed him and stood in His way.   So at what point do we know when we should do the same?  I believe I know because I have no strength left to tolerate the attitude of an A-- I have no strength to fight.  Maybe that is a good thing though.  haha   Perhaps that is part of God's plan, no more fighting, arguing with my kids, family or anyone.  I've actually been thinking that through this transition-- but then another part of me thinks, aren't we supposed to fight for what we believe?  Aren't we supposed to stand up for what is morally right for this world?  Hmmmm, but then again, when Jesus was capture and Peter chopped off an ear of his attacker, Jesus told Peter to be still and don't react.  It's all so confusing that's for sure.  :(