I am new to this board.  I really need some advice on how to deal with my husband, who stopped drinking cold turkey almost eleven years ago. 

I knew he liked to drink when we got married, but we were in our early 20's and most of our friends would go out to a bar to socialize on the weekends.  When my husband was sober, he was a pretty serious, conservative, and bordered on being a little too opinonated and liked things his way.  But when he would get drunk, he would let his guard down and be pretty funny and silly and fun to be around.  I almost think he needed the alcohol almost to knock the anal behavior, and we would get along better for a while after a binge.  However, the drinking started problems for us early in the marriage.  He never missed a day of work because of his drinking, but he missed or nearly missed countless events including a good friend's engagement party that he was to attend to me (his brother put him in a cold shower and gave him coffee to sober him up), almost missed the funeral of a friend's brother (showed up later without me to the viewing drunk).  I left him twice while he was drinking, and had countless arguments about how his drinking got in the way of our life.  I would be his "nurse" and take care of him when he was hung over.  About five years into our marriage, we went to a beef & beer and he was drunk and according to him, he said something really stupid to someone.  I never found out what that was.  He went cold turkey the next day and hasn't had a drink in 11 years.  I remember asking him at the time if he was going to AA and he refused and said he could do it on his own.  I know he had a friend from work at the time who attended AA every week and was sober for 10 years, and he used to talk to him alot, but my husband never told me about those conversations.

Over the years, he has been more and more difficult to live with.  He became very controlling and opionated and obnoxious and verbally abusive toward me and my son, and practically ignore our two girls, would fall asleep practically after dinner every night, then be up in the middle of the night, and would rarely want to go anywhere.  We have other friends who go away to really neat places, or even just for a dinner, and he says no because there will be alcohol there and our friends like to drink.  Mind you, we have alcohol in the house and he has never touched it.  Things got so bad in the house I begged once once again for marriage counseling which he refused, and then we separated last December.  He has been out of the house for eight months now.  When we separated, he first apologized for being a jerk, then changed his tune and said I made a mountain out of mole hill, and said that I had issues too. We had separate attorneys but haven't filed yet.  

Now he wants to reconcile.  He ended up in counseling on his own, and I've been to my own counselor.  I've asked him if he believes that he was a dry drunk, which he denies and says the alcohol was a thing of the distant past and he was a real jerk in general and wants to make it up to me now.  I'm not sure how much he's gotten out of counseling.  Do ultimatums work?  Do I say you either go to AA or it's over?  If he's open to working on this in counseling, could he work on the 12 steps with a counselor? 

Also, do alcoholics/dry drunks tend to be socially immature?  He is very good at his job, but when he needs to deal with people on a social level, he either does not deal at all, or tries too hard and it looks it.  But then he gives me and the kids a really hard time at home!

Can dry drunks truly recover, or will I just be putting my kids through more drama for nothing?

I really need some advice right now.  Thanks!!!!

 

 

Hello Mother of three,

Welcome to Alanon, glad you found us!

I am sorry, I do not have much experience with Dry Drunks. My husbad, my "A", has never had one. But I wanted to respond to you because I hear you reaching out. We are all here to help you.

Your questions about ultimatums and if they work. It might, but it might not. I have never given one, because I was not sure if I would have the will to follow through with it. I was afraid that he would chose to do whatever and lose his family, because in his addiction the thought of losing his alcohol/drugs may have been something he was willing to do.

Have you been to any alanon meetings? You need to take care of yourself!

I am not here to offer advice on what to do about your husband. Only you should decide what to do with that.

If you want to chat I am here for you, and so are the rest of us.

Keep coming back.

Wow you asked so many good questions. My A told me ultimatums absolutely do not work. Going by what you shared, I would say to you, what would make you think he would change? The primary problem is alcoholism. NO matter what he does, unless he is on a strict program of recovery, he will continuously fall into the same behaviors. To me, for someone to tell me I have my own issues is a red flag. I see them taking the focus off themselves and looking at MY inventory. i am an' adult. I don't need someone doing that for me. As far as AA, he is not even admitting he is an A. Alcoholics have many symptoms like anyone with a disease. All i can tell you is a program of recovery involves AA. They may choose to be honest, learn to say how are you today? um they may always help others when they need help. They may get up every day and go somewhere alone and talk to hp, say I don't need to drink today, I choose not to drink today. i choose to be positive today, I will look on the bright side. Or I will go to lunch with friends today and listen and ask each person one question. There are a million ways to build a program of recovery. An alcoholic usually does not stay on a path of recovery, they relapse. it is part of the disease. Unless you are prepared to go thru it again and again, it is up to you. I am at the point now I do not want to live with him at all anymore. I cannot watch it anymore and I will not be dragged down. The addict runs my husband now. I don't expect him to change to drink or not drink. It is not up to me. I am too busy taking care of me and being pleasing to my hp to worry about him. If I am around him, it is totally up to him what he does. I don't give it any energy. I just love him as is. NO one wants to be loved only if they do a b and c. This is my experience. To me it all boils down to, let go and let god. And also to take my own steps. I pray to be able to just look at him and love him for the sorry, sad person he is. But I will not live with him again. NO way. love,debilyn

Sigh, well I don't know, but I feel ultimatums are like a gun pointed at you and me.  If I do as you wish but i didn't really want to do it I may resent you forever over it.  If I say hell it's my life and I'll do what I want we might both loose that relationship forever.  Use and ultimatum only if it is what you really want and you are willing to live with the consequences i.e. going out on your own.  Alanon can help you find serenity no matter what hubby chooses to do or not do.  I know terrible grammar but hope this has helped somewhat.  Also see if your kids can get to alateen.  Maybe they will learn to detach from his behavior if they do.

Laura

mother of three,

This is a tough one to figure out.  The best I can tell you is my experience.

My husband stopped drinking for an entire year, during which he lost his mind...literally.  he stopped drinking due to an ultimatum I had given him.  Stop drinking or I file for divorce.

When he lost his mind and did some really terrible things SO unlike him I sought the help of a therapist.  The doctor told me that MANY MANY alcoholics drink to "self medicate" a mental illness.  Actually, he believes any alcoholic who drinks almost daily is self-medicating.  He does not think that ALL alcholics have mental illness, such as binge drinkers, but he thinks that daily or almost daily drinkers do.

The doctor also said that alcohol is actually a VERY effective treatment for mental illness (it is a central nervous system depressent like many traditional treatments for mental illness), in the short run, but is very detrimental in the long run.  The side effects are just as bad as the disease so that is why it is never a treatment for mental illness.

This may be controversial...but I did not want to be responsible for anyone's mental illness getting worse, and I did not like the fact that I had used my power to CONTROL and MANIPULATE another person...I told my husband the deal was off.  I apologized to him for giving him an ultimatum, told him I was wrong, told him that he had the freedom to do as he pleased as far as alcohol was concerned and I was wrong to try to take that away from him.  I told him to go back to drinking if he wanted to and I would mind my own business and continue to be his wife.   He promptly began drinking again and regained his sanity...just to lose his mind a different way...he is getting dumber every year.  SIGH, at least he is not out of control and acting out anymore.

Also, something else that may help you...maybe you should think about WHY you have alcohol in the house?  Especially around him and your children?

Before we married, I was a very occasional social drinker.  That changed in a  hurry!  I noticed that on our anniversary that I drank about a sip of my champagne while he did not bother with the glass and drank the whole bottle!  NOT GOOD!  I was not going to contribute to his problem.

I have since become a total and strict teetotaler for the sake of my husband and daughter.  I need to show both of them by example that you don't need alcohol to live a good life.  Especially my daughter.  I want her to learn that you don't ned alcohol to deal with problems of life or loosen up and have fun.  We have plenty of fun believe me!  I have a STRICT RULE. 

NO ALCOHOL IN MY HOUSE...EVER...NO EXCEPTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course I am talking about me,my daughter, and my friends and family. Husband brings in his own personal stash which he keeps in his room.  SIGH...but I never bring any in, and neither does my family or friends.

Since you are so concerned with your chidlren drinking, perhaps you need to think about why you have alcohol in your home.

I hope things work out for you.

With love and support,

Isabela

Hi. Dont get over to this board much. Being a recovering A-I spend a lot of time with the AA board, however, do pop in here to read a few posts daily.

Been in Alanon also for some time also.

In the Big Book of AA it talks about a complete personality change being a must for the recovering A. We do that through working the program-12 steps, meetings etc.

When I first got sober--I resigned to the fact, that all I had to do was just quit drinking. Everything else was ok, so there werent a lot of changes in life for a long time--until I accepted that there were certain things one had to do, and that quitting alcohol was only part of it.

So-for a long time-I controlled, because of insecurities--I manipulated-I always turned things around with the finger pointed at my spouse-denial-the promises that things would get better-that Ide change-on and on and on.

But I never changed. Instead of being a drunken asshole-I was a sober asshole, for a long time.

The only way that changed was-when I accepted that Hey? Im the problem here, and that a lot of character defects and glaring control issues had to go.

AA meetings, and going through the 12 steps and working a program daily changed that.

Its my medicine. Dont wish to be that dry a-hole anymore.

Unless an A is willing to change themselves-nothing changes.  All the best.  Phil

Thanks to all of you for your replies.  You have really help me put this situation in perspective. 

Despite everything that has happened, there is a part of me that still loves my husband, but I know I can't live with the horrible behavior anymore.  He has fully admitted that he needs to change his behavior in a major way,  and we have had long conversations about this.  I understand now that he is going to have to do the change on his own power, and I have to get healthy for my own sake.  Incidentally, I was a very light social drinker, only occasionally (a few times a year) would have a drink, but I gave it up in support of him about 10 years ago. 

I'm planning on attending my first an Alanon meeting this week.  Thanks again for all of your support.

 

Hi there

I am so happy to hear that you are going to AlAnon meeting next week!  I wish you all the best in your recovery!!!

Love Julie D.