I don't know how my life ended up this way.  This isn't how things are supposed to be.  I try so hard to smile and tell the world how happy I am but I don't think I'm fooling anyone anymore.  I went out dancing last night for the first time in years.  I had such a blast.  I loved being where the lights were low, the music loud, and I was surrounded by friends.  It was the first time that I got to stop being somone's mother or employee.  for just a few short hours I got to be me. No one expected anything from me.  So, tell me, why did I wake up feeling so alone and sad?  Why was it that when I danced with that cute guy that all I could think about was how it used to feel when he held me when we danced?  I was proud to be his wife and to have a family of my own.  I took so much pride in that.  And all of a sudden, he decides that he'd rather drink with her than be a family with us.  He decides that we are not worth the sacrifices it takes to be a responsible husband and father.  So, here I am raising the most precious little boy alone and all along know that one day he he will no longer be a baby.  One day he is going to ask about his father and he deserves the truth.  What he doesn't deserve is to have a father who so eagerly signs up rights to him because he doesn't want to be his daddy.  He deseves so much more than that.  We both do.  I tried so hard to keep our family together.  Maybe I shouldn't have ever given up for my son's sake.  But would it have been better for him to grow up in a family where only one parent loved the other?  Where daddy was always drunk?  I don't think so but how am I ever going to be able to tell him that his father didn't want to be his daddy?  How am I going to explain that he still wants to be a daddy to his daughters, just not to him?  I hate him for doing this to us!!!!  I can't even be angry at him for leaving because I put him out.  I am angry and hurt because he hurt my child.  For ripping apart our family.  We were a family, damn it, and family is supposed to be forever.  Family is supposed to be there no matter what!  People get divorced everday but they are still parents to thier children.  Maybe my son and I will see that everyone is right and we are better off once the hurt is gone.  I don't want my son to see me cry anymore.  If it weren't for him I don't know what I would do.  I look at him and wonder how anyone could ever walk away from him and never look back.  That is something I will never understand because I would be lost without him. 

I am so sorry this is so long but i really needed to vent.  Just having a really hard time "blaming the disease"  

Mandi

welcome, glad you vented. My sons father was and is the same. If he asks, ya just say, your dad has a horrible disease. He cannot even take care of himself. NO mention of anything else. Never put him down, allow them to have a relationship or not. Kids tend to blame themselves, so I made sure i kept it matter of fact. STill do. I know how you feel. I live in the country and all my neighbors are always walking together on my road. All are couples. i suppose most people who live in the country are not alone. I sure understand why. It gets awful lonely. You feel sad becuz you chose to be with your A forever. So did I. For me no one can take his place. But I tell ya, i am thinking if I ever get to, I am sure going to do my best to marry again. I don't like this being alone. You take care of you and your son. If you don't want to feel those feelings for a, when ya think about it, stop and think I am ok right now. sorry I am not real helpful. I do relate to how you feel. And yes hon, our little darling boys grow up, mine is 29 now. HE is a wonderful loving guy, and a great father. He learned how to be one from other loving men in our lives. anyway, much love,debilyn

Thank you Debilyn.  It helps to know that someone out there understands.  You helped more than you'll ever know. 

Mandi

Hi Mandie,

I am so sorry to hear about your pain!

My daughter and I went through the SAME thing you are going through.  My first husband too cared nothing about his baby (in this case daughter).  My husband was worse though, he told me at six months pregnant to get an abortion as he had "changed his mind" that he wanted to buy a new car instead of pay for a baby.  Of course I said "NO!", so he did his best to beat me up until I miscarried.  He ALMOST succeeded. 

My daughter managed to survive and was born healthy.  She was an uncommonly beautiful baby, born by ceseararian.  She still has that perfectly shaped "cesearain" head and bone structure today, LOL, that is what the nurses call it.  She was such a beatiful baby that stangers commented on it wherever we went.  She was good too, so good that my Mom warned me to not be fooled into thinking every baby would be as easy as my daughter, so to remember that if I had another baby, it might be more "normal", LOL, and not a perfect little angel like my daughter was (she did not stay "perfect", LOL, she saved it all up for me for when she was a teenager!) .

THIS lovely beautiful angelic child is his own baby girl that he tried to kill with a shoe?  YES!!!!!!  We barely escaped with our lives...I did my best to protect her and shield her and I ws beated so badly I could not hold her for almost a week.  She was only 3 months old when this happened, he was drunk and high on cocaine.

We escaped to another state and it took a few years for me to build up the courage to divorce him.  He never paid a penny in child support and never bothered with the court ordered supervised visitation.  My daughter has never met her father...

Over the years she would ask questions.  Especially when she saw other kids with their Dad's.  She would ask "do I have a Dad too?"  I would tell her that everyone has a Dad, and that hers was very sick which was why he could not help take care of her.  As she got older her questions got more precise and I would give more detail about his "sickness".  I never badmouthed him and was very vague about his "sickness" when she was little.

I have to admit I was glad EX did not bother with her.  I always saw him as UNWORTHY of being her Dad.  He chose drugs and alcohol over her...well...OKAY THEN!  He made his choice and daughter and I would move on...and be happy without him.

My attitude was that the apple does not fall far from the tree, his family enabled him, gave him money for drugs and actually GAVE him their prescription drugs??????  Ok, this seriously dysfunctional family is no way going to be good enough association for MY precious baby.  I cut off his WHOLE family.  If I saw them I turned my back, I never spoke to them.  Don't feel sorry for them, they supported his abuse and told me I was just a "big baby" since I did not like it.  They would have been beating up my daughter next...I DON"T think so!!!!

They are really sick. Once we saw them in a store and they told my five year old daugther that they were going to call her Dad and he was going to bring his gun and teach her Mommy a lesson... that is the kind of people we are talking about.  My daughter cried hysterically, I had to carry her out of the store she was so scared.  They LAUGHED!!!  These kinds of people have no place in my daughter's life...

I did fine without him and them...even though they are loaded and we  lived on PB & J, the peace of mind was worth it.

Her Dad never paid any child support, never visited her, never sent her any cards or letters, never sent her any gifts, her whole life.  She has never met him or had any contact with him.

Twenty years later now...with no contact.  Ironically I saw him at a grocery store last year.  Now that daughter is grown and I don't have to worry about him decided to enforce visitation I reluctanly spoke to him. 

He is very very very sorry but too late...for some things in life there are no se cond chances.  He says sometimes he drives past our house and sees daughter and sees how lovely she is and what a fine and respectable young lady she is.  He admitted I did a wonderful job with her, taught her to be a "lady like me".  It was good he admitted that.  He says he would do ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING to have a relationship with her.  He asked for my help.  I told him that I would not help him as a father daughter relationship has to be developed naturally, not through influence by me.  I truthfully told him that she wants nothing to do with him and says she never will.  I know that may change, and I told him that, but I don't see it happening any time soon.

He as usual blamed me, (don't addicts ever learn anything new?) and said I had "poisoned her mind" against him.  It is ironic that I did the opposite, tried to teach her to understand how sick addicts can get.  I even told her how EX and I had grown up together and how he was a good person at heart until he became an addict and lost his mind and became a monstor. 

Maybe you can try to see it that your darling son is better off without a Dad like that?  I was NEVER NEVER sorry I kept my daughter from that rotten family.  She did not miss anything...but abuse.

I thought you might like to hear my story, since I came out the other end not sorry for my choices. 

When EX did not visit or pay I never said a word, just accepted it.  I surely lived a hard life, worked like a dog at odd jobs while I put myself through college, and ate a LOT of tuna and eggs for dinner, but we had peace...

I also had nothing to do with EX, never asked him to pay, never asked him to visit, and never asked him to write her.  We did not see each other or talk for fifteen years.

Now that daughter is 20 she knows almost everything about EX, how dangerous he is, how drugs ruined our marriage and his life.  He eventually ended up in prison for felonious assualt against his new girlfreind and their baby...they too barely survived...he beat them with a lead pipe...just glad it was not daughter and I.

Enjoy your precious son and learn to be happy without your EX.  My Ex too cheated on me like there was no tomorrow besides beating me to a pulp.  He cheated on me with a bunch of women that we went to school with and threw it up in my face and made me the laughing stock of the small town we live in...he did have a "favorite" that he eventually settled down with and had kids with and beat up...I say good riddance to bad rubbish...

Remember, regardless of what our addicted mates do, we have a responsilibility to give our chidren as happy as a life possible.  I never gave my daughter the message that we needed a "Dad" to be happy.  We played games, baked cookies, walked tot eh park and had a BALL her whole life.  I eventually remarried when she was eight and he too has an addiction problem.

He is only addicted to alcohol though, not illegal drugs, SIGH, and he does not beat me up or cheat on me (as far as I can tell).  Despite his problems he has tried to be a good Dad and has for the most part taken good care of her.  Much better than her bioligical father ever did.  My husband now is her "Real Dad" as he is the only Dad she has ever known and has never met my EX.  She says she never wants to meet him...

I hope you and your son have a happy life...we are here for you...

Love,

Isabela

 

 

Mandi,

I can feel your hurt and pain.  It's a horrible situation and I know exactly how you feel.

I too am trying to keep my family together.  I see mommies and daddies with their babies at the beach and I want us to do that again.

My husband is in rehab for the second time since March.

Before then he was a good daddy.  He has spiraled to a place where he didn't even see his children anymore.

I will see him tomorrow at the rehab and I don't even know what to expect.  We've barely seen each other in 2 months.

I'm sorry for your pain.  I hope it eases in some way.

I think sometimes if necessary I'll have to start over and try to meet someone else but the reality is that I really don't want someone else.  But I only want him sober and happy--

Stick with alanon--I find it really helps.

mom to 2