I was replying to Apple and realized that I had to share this with ALL.
From the Alcoholics side..........
There was no way on earth that I was going to admit that I was an ALCOHOLIC. The word itself was horrific, demoralizing and just plan nasty.. I wasn't some dirly, homeless person. I still had my house, family, license, etc. etc. Everyone else was nuts. Look at your own life before you start putting down me & mine - huh !!!! So there - take that all you righteous people.....
My life ambition was certainly NOT TO BECOME ALCOHOLIC............ I never planned it. Not a chance in HELL I would be like my parents. I would be DIFFERANT. I would be better to my daughter & myself. I would never treat my daughter the way my parents treated me - NO WAY. She would have the best of everything - all the stuff I didn't. I was BETTER than them, or even my sisters & their kids, better that Mary down the street, etc...... I was Better because I was NOT alcoholic. And my dreams - well they will still happen !!! I will be OK...
It was not until treatment that I realized I was alcoholic. I went in to learn to control my drinking & be like everyone else who drank. The thought of NEVER having another drink in my life PETRIFIED me to the end. How would I survive? What would I do? How would I cope? What would my friends think - that I was a wus & weak? What would I do with all my time? How would I fit in when I went out? How would I get through this or that? The list of questions were endless for me.
I learned throught treatment that I can go 5 minutes without a drink, 1/2 hour, couple hours, an afterneen and even a whole DAY - " ONE DAY AT A TIME ". That was very hard for me to learn. And while doing it, I was very nervous, anxious & scared. I needed contstant reassurance that I was Ok, doing good and would eventually be OK & sober ! The AA program is very simple - JUST DON'T PICK UP THAT FIRST DRINK - sure sound simple to those how are not alcoholic - but to us A's - the mere thought was horrific. I went to alot of meetings, read the AA Big Book right through, read the "Grapevine" (AA magazine), every copy I could get my hands on, called my sponsor, hell, called everyone I knew in the program - all the time.
My first meeting knocked me off my feet. It was a Birthday - celebrating someones AA year. I was nervous as anything - what will people think when I walk in. I was well known in this town for my volunteer work with Humane Society, PTA both grade school & high school, President of the Minor Softball Assoc. for 8 years with over 600 hundred kids, worked in the local grocery store and my husband had many friends in town. Do I go in or go home???? I stood outside that door for 1/2 hour. I went in... Oh NO - there are several people Iknow from baseball - customers, all kind of people from town!!! They must be supporting somwone who is having the birthday. There were 2500 people in this town.
Guess WHAT - they are ALL recovering A's. Two women, were firends of mine, women I had know for 13 - 14 years. I never knew !!! When I eventually asked why they never told me they were recovering A's - they said we were holding a chair for you when you were ready.
Small world eh ??? But for the Grace of GOD - i have not had a drink since Oct. 15, 2001 - One day at a time...
I am a recovering A and my hubby is still very active. I see the pain in his eyes sometimes. He knows he's in trouble. I see the fear, anxiety, embarrassment, PRIDE, shame and helplessness. I honestly believe, that every Alcoholic KNOW deep inside that they are Alcoholic and are so full of fear - its eats them up inside. I have seen it in soo many A's, have felt it inside, and believe it or not - my heart goes out to them. I've been there too. How they must ache about their lost dreams.
It is not EASY being alcoholic. It is down right painful. And I know the receiving end also. I to have anger, hatred & resentments against my hubby - a whole lot at times... the lost life, lost dreams, lost plans, lost children, lost faith & hope. Alot of supposedly wasted years both of my own & with him. I know that becoming alcoholic was NOT his life ambition either. This is where the AA - Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow (posted) has saved me many times.
Being alcoholic - active or recovering - is NOT easy either.
Hope you find some peace through this.
God Bless All of Us.
Yours in Recovery
Kathy570
Dolphin123 said
Aug 11, 2005
Kathy,
Thanks for the post. It helps me to hear from recovering "A"s. It helps me keep the hope for my "A" and his recovery alive. I also have to remember that this is a disease and when I watch him battle his addictions I know that it isn't easy for him.
Just thank you for sharing from your point of view. You can see things that as I will not be able to. And a anything that gives me more understanding of my "A" and helps me be more compasionate to him is somethin I am grateful for.
your AA bday is soon, congrats.
Much Love,
-- Edited by Dolphin123 at 18:47, 2005-08-11
shimo said
Aug 11, 2005
Thank you so much, Kathy, for your post. It reminds me to have compassion for the struggle of the alcoholic and also for myself as the wife of an alcoholic. All of us in an alcoholic situation deserve compassion.
Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary! Keep coming back and sharing your experience, strength and hope with us.
Love in recovery - Shimo (Jeri)
kismetstrand said
Aug 12, 2005
Amazing share kathy! Thank you so much for being so open with us. I truly appreciate hearing from "the other side of the fence", it helps me in my own recovery here in Alanon too. So glad you are a part of our MIP family!!
Luv, Kis
browneyes said
Aug 12, 2005
Hi Kathy
As I posted before, I am soooooo happy you are here. You remind me how to understand that it is not about me. That I have no control over what my husband does, just to take care of me and my kids. Thank you for posting, you have helped me a lot of times.
Congratulations on your recovery
Love
Julie D.
marmare said
Aug 12, 2005
Thank you for the insight. I see the pain my A lives with everyday. It is horrible to watch yet I have a glimmer of hope that one day he may be sober. I am learning so much about the disease....is it coincidence that while driving school bus that another driver told me of a desk job that was open at a treatment center? I don't think so anymore, I know I am right where I am supposed to be. Learning about A's, Addicts, and now for myself, co-dependence.
I was replying to Apple and realized that I had to share this with ALL.
From the Alcoholics side..........
There was no way on earth that I was going to admit that I was an ALCOHOLIC. The word itself was horrific, demoralizing and just plan nasty.. I wasn't some dirly, homeless person. I still had my house, family, license, etc. etc. Everyone else was nuts. Look at your own life before you start putting down me & mine - huh !!!! So there - take that all you righteous people.....
My life ambition was certainly NOT TO BECOME ALCOHOLIC............ I never planned it. Not a chance in HELL I would be like my parents. I would be DIFFERANT. I would be better to my daughter & myself. I would never treat my daughter the way my parents treated me - NO WAY. She would have the best of everything - all the stuff I didn't. I was BETTER than them, or even my sisters & their kids, better that Mary down the street, etc...... I was Better because I was NOT alcoholic. And my dreams - well they will still happen !!! I will be OK...
It was not until treatment that I realized I was alcoholic. I went in to learn to control my drinking & be like everyone else who drank. The thought of NEVER having another drink in my life PETRIFIED me to the end. How would I survive? What would I do? How would I cope? What would my friends think - that I was a wus & weak? What would I do with all my time? How would I fit in when I went out? How would I get through this or that? The list of questions were endless for me.
I learned throught treatment that I can go 5 minutes without a drink, 1/2 hour, couple hours, an afterneen and even a whole DAY - " ONE DAY AT A TIME ". That was very hard for me to learn. And while doing it, I was very nervous, anxious & scared. I needed contstant reassurance that I was Ok, doing good and would eventually be OK & sober ! The AA program is very simple - JUST DON'T PICK UP THAT FIRST DRINK - sure sound simple to those how are not alcoholic - but to us A's - the mere thought was horrific. I went to alot of meetings, read the AA Big Book right through, read the "Grapevine" (AA magazine), every copy I could get my hands on, called my sponsor, hell, called everyone I knew in the program - all the time.
My first meeting knocked me off my feet. It was a Birthday - celebrating someones AA year. I was nervous as anything - what will people think when I walk in. I was well known in this town for my volunteer work with Humane Society, PTA both grade school & high school, President of the Minor Softball Assoc. for 8 years with over 600 hundred kids, worked in the local grocery store and my husband had many friends in town. Do I go in or go home???? I stood outside that door for 1/2 hour. I went in... Oh NO - there are several people Iknow from baseball - customers, all kind of people from town!!! They must be supporting somwone who is having the birthday. There were 2500 people in this town.
Guess WHAT - they are ALL recovering A's. Two women, were firends of mine, women I had know for 13 - 14 years. I never knew !!! When I eventually asked why they never told me they were recovering A's - they said we were holding a chair for you when you were ready.
Small world eh ??? But for the Grace of GOD - i have not had a drink since Oct. 15, 2001 - One day at a time...
I am a recovering A and my hubby is still very active. I see the pain in his eyes sometimes. He knows he's in trouble. I see the fear, anxiety, embarrassment, PRIDE, shame and helplessness. I honestly believe, that every Alcoholic KNOW deep inside that they are Alcoholic and are so full of fear - its eats them up inside. I have seen it in soo many A's, have felt it inside, and believe it or not - my heart goes out to them. I've been there too. How they must ache about their lost dreams.
It is not EASY being alcoholic. It is down right painful. And I know the receiving end also. I to have anger, hatred & resentments against my hubby - a whole lot at times... the lost life, lost dreams, lost plans, lost children, lost faith & hope. Alot of supposedly wasted years both of my own & with him. I know that becoming alcoholic was NOT his life ambition either. This is where the AA - Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow (posted) has saved me many times.
Being alcoholic - active or recovering - is NOT easy either.
Hope you find some peace through this.
God Bless All of Us.
Yours in Recovery
Kathy570
Kathy,
Thanks for the post. It helps me to hear from recovering "A"s. It helps me keep the hope for my "A" and his recovery alive. I also have to remember that this is a disease and when I watch him battle his addictions I know that it isn't easy for him.
Just thank you for sharing from your point of view. You can see things that as I will not be able to. And a anything that gives me more understanding of my "A" and helps me be more compasionate to him is somethin I am grateful for.
Much Love,
-- Edited by Dolphin123 at 18:47, 2005-08-11
Thank you so much, Kathy, for your post. It reminds me to have compassion for the struggle of the alcoholic and also for myself as the wife of an alcoholic. All of us in an alcoholic situation deserve compassion.
Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary! Keep coming back and sharing your experience, strength and hope with us.
Love in recovery - Shimo (Jeri)
Amazing share kathy! Thank you so much for being so open with us. I truly appreciate hearing from "the other side of the fence", it helps me in my own recovery here in Alanon too. So glad you are a part of our MIP family!!
Luv, Kis
Hi Kathy
As I posted before, I am soooooo happy you are here. You remind me how to understand that it is not about me. That I have no control over what my husband does, just to take care of me and my kids. Thank you for posting, you have helped me a lot of times.
Congratulations on your recovery
Love
Julie D.
Thank you for the insight. I see the pain my A lives with everyday. It is horrible to watch yet I have a glimmer of hope that one day he may be sober. I am learning so much about the disease....is it coincidence that while driving school bus that another driver told me of a desk job that was open at a treatment center? I don't think so anymore, I know I am right where I am supposed to be. Learning about A's, Addicts, and now for myself, co-dependence.
Hugs Mary