I had been reading alot of the prior posts about crying and getting it out-- and I guess for me, I'm crying for all the things I think I've lost (besides my mind)... I keep thinking about what it was like when we first met and how we laughed, and dreamed and life seemed limitless. I'm just crushed at the thought that I'll never laugh with him again, that I'm going to be crying for-- who knows how long, that I can't look at him without this overwhelming feeling of anger and distrust and hatred in my heart-- this is so not me as a person--- I want my family back, I want the illusion back-- if thats what it was because maybe what I thought I felt and saw was never really real but it was to me at the time and now it just feels like I'll never feel that way again with him, that maybe there's too much damage at this point, that I have no trust or forgiveness left in me, that I'm so full of hate and discontent, anger... thats all I'll ever feel. I don't know how to accept this. How do you accept this? Apple

Hi Apple,

Saw your post and wanted to respond.  I know you must be feeling like your world is caving in.  I feel alot of these same feelings.  When we made plans for the future, I really didn't factor in that he was an A.  He still has not fully admitted to himself that he has a problem.  I have forced him into the program twice, each time he would have some sobriety under his belt, then boom something would happen and he would start drinking again.  I love him and often hate him.  I'm trying to educate myself about this disease so I can try to gain some sanity for myself.  I have finally realized that the last three years I have focused all my emotional energy, time, planning, into this relationship and making him o.k.  Instead I'm losing me.  I have mourned the loss of my dream as well, and it is a loss.  I did not intend to sign up for this barrell of problems.  I could walk... but I'm starting to realize that I attracted this person in my life for a reason. I'd probably hook up with someone else and do the same crap to that person. I'm not all that healthy, educated maybe, but not as emotionally healthy as I could be.  If I were healthier, I wouldn't fight him anymore, I would do for me, instead of him, I'd get back into me and find out what I like now.  Three years of my life are gone, I can't get them back.  It's like the dream has been altered.  The person is there, the kids, the home, but it's not picture perfect, and it never will be.  It can be healthier with this program, and taking your life one day at a time. 

You have a right to be angry, but until your a realizes he has a problem, there is nothing you or anyone else can do.  From one mourner to another, get pissed, cry, you can find peace and serenity here and at meetings.  Take care

((((((((Apple)))))))))))),

Oh I so know how that feels, to dream together and the next thing you know, all the dream are squashed. My "A" is a dreamer and when he is sober he can get me to dream right along with him. And then he will go and use, and it seems as if all that dreaming together was  a big waste of time!

I have accepted that I am powerless over alcohol, I can not control his drinking, I can not cure his drinking, and I sure didn't cause his drinking! I pray to my HP to help me get through this one day at a time. I pray that he will find sobriety and work a progam. I don't obsess about the bad or good times, but I remember the good times, because I truly believe that he and I will have them again.

Keep Coming back, and remember we are all here for you!

Hi Apple,

Welcome!  I am so glad you are here.  Your in the right place!  The disease of alcoholism is insidious, cunning and baffling and it also has its effect on those living with it or who have lived with it.  When I came into Al-Anon I was angry all the time, hurt and resentful and I had tried everything to cope with this disease on my own.  I, too, began to think I was losing my sanity.  It was encouraging to me to learn that I did not cause it, I cannot cure it, and I cannot control it.  It was also encouraging to me when I was told not to make any major decisions about my life until I had attended Al-Anon meetings for six months.  This, in itself, took a lot pressure off me as I was driving myself nearly crazy trying to decide whether to stay in the marriage or leave.

As I continued to attend face-to-face meetings I began to learn how to detach with love from the emotional chaos the disease was causing in my home.  I learned to take the focus off the alcoholism and place it on myself for you see, I had lost myself in trying to cope with the disease.  I no longer knew how I felt about alot of things since my focus was always on the alcoholic and trying to get him to seek help or to do this or do that..just do things my way and all would be better.  Not so, this only increased the tension already present.  I was wasting alot of my energy on something I could not change and I was making myself sick in the process. 

I have been in Al-Anon for a number of years now and I can tell you that changed attitudes can aid recovery and we can still be happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.  It took some work on my part but as I listened in meetings and began to change my attitude and my perspective things began to improve in my home.  

I encourage you to attend face-to-face meetings in the area where you live as they are so very helpful in our recovery from the effects of living with this incidious disease.  I found the more meetings I attended the   more knowledge I gained, not only about this disease, but knowledge about myself as well and how I may have contributed to my own distress by trying to control the uncontrollable.  This is a wonderful program and it does work if you work it.  So glad your here and please do keep coming back..you will feel better!

Love in recovery - Shimo (Jeri)

   

 

  

Dear Apple Pie,

I began to write a reply and as typing, I felt I needed to share my replies with everone.

Please read my posts " From Both Sides of the Fence " Part 1 & 2.

I hope they help you find a little peace.

God BLess

Yours in Recovery

Kathy570

I found a listing for a meeting during the week, and I need to go. I know it. I do. It's making myself go and I think thats part of me accepting the fact that this is REAL and HAPPENING and needs to be dealt with. I have an appt with a counselor next week... I for the time being and not going to let him know that I'm going to either, this whole thing of me touching on anything about this subject with him (whether it's me saying it to him or me going to someone and saying it) is going to set him off. I'm keeping things quiet and it's for me, my sanity and my peace of mind. Even if it's just to hear (just why I came here too) that someone else out there is having this happen too, that they are surviving, that they are still breathing and alive and coping. He makes me feel so alone in this... he probably feels worse... or maybe not I don't know. Maybe between the therapist and the meetings and this board I can come to some sort of-- middle with myself about him, and us and this problem. :) Hugs, Apple

Apple,

I completely get what you are saying.  We do mourn the loss of the way things were.

But--here's the hard part--things are not that way anymore.

I met my husband when we were 17--that was 21 years ago.  We were so ridiculously in love--he was a happy and healthy person.

He is nowhere near happy or healthy now.  The progression of the illness can be quick and dramatic.  We hope that things will return to the way they once were.

Some people choose to stay--some leave.  I firmly believe that everyone does what they need to do when they need to do it.  I believe you will do what is best for you when the time is right.  Stick with alanon--it helps. 

My husband has been an utter mess for 2 months--he's in rehab now.  I've filed divorce but I still hope he will find recovery and we will reconcile and be a happy family again.

and so it goes.

mom to 2