Last night at the meeting we were talking about boundries and I brought up the subject about setting boundries for our children because they are too young to set them for themselves.
My children are 8 and 5, so I feel like they are still too young to stand up for themselves. so I need to do it for them. But then I feel like I am constantly fighting with my husband because he is irrational and irate with them and i step in , which makes it worse.
I am currently working on a plan to get away from him but in the mean time things are very unstable. I am the stability in their lives, their comfort, and their trust. I feel I am letting them down every day they hurt. It is a very hard situation to deal with.
And the only reason i don't leave right this second is that I feel the damage would be worse to uproot them again. Anyway, things are slowly coming along. As soon as my daughter is accepted from the waiting list at the daycare, I can work and leave asap.
Does anyone have any experience with this situation? And what worked for you and your children to have the least amount of stress put upon them? I feel I need to get them out asap but until then???????????????
Also, something that bothered me at the meeting; Everyone there was so very supportive and encouraged me to keep coming back and join chat,etc.
Except for one person who told me "Please do not let your children be abused like that". I was crushed because I KNOW that they are hurting and I felt like I was being judged and persecuted. I went to answer the person but they signed off. I am doing the best I can and feel like I am making progress in Alanon. I just wish that before someone says something like that, they think about how it might make the other person feel.
Well if anyone feels like sharing I would appreciate anything.
Thanks so much
Julie D.
jj said
Aug 11, 2005
((((Julie))))
I can so relate to the hurt that one member caused you as that exact same thing has happend to me. I was crushed and began to question myself as a parent.
I have since realized that I am the best mother that I can be to my children and in turn they have been my one and only constant as I am theirs. The best thing I have done for my children and myself is to get my self healthier in every way and working my program. Instead of being the crazy unstable lunatic that I was I am now a happier heathier mom that does much more with my children rather than worrying about everything. I these changes in my self our home life has improved alot and I see the change in my children as well as my active husband.
Setting bondaries for my self and my children has been essential especially when it comes the kids welfare, you exactly right that they can not set such boundaries at their ages. However I have had to set boundaries for my self that indirectly effect the children such as my behavior and the way that I was with their father and how things that I did were unintentionally harmful to the kids. There is no longer any fighting or name calling and no anger towards my A's actions and have taken the time that when I was consumed in my anger and turned it in to quality time with my children rather than being angry at my absent husband.
Keep comming back and in time you will know what you have to do for yourself and your children.
Love in recovery
JJ
Dolphin123 said
Aug 11, 2005
((((((((((Julie))))))))))))),
Oh please don't ever let people make you feel horrible for the situation you are in. NOBODY HAS ANY RIGHT TO JUDGE YOU! This is one of the reasons why I feel uncomfortable discussing my children here, because of a few comments that I have been given about staying with my "A" and having children.
As for your situation, all I can tell you is what I have been told, if you can wait until you are as prepared as you can be. Sorry, but that is all I have.
Take care of yourself, and keep coming back, we are all here for you.
Much Love,
shimo said
Aug 11, 2005
Hi browneyes,
My children are all grown and I have grandchildren but I can tell you that you are a great parent for you are here in recovery with the rest of us and that will benefit your children in the long run. My father was very much like your husband and I am here to tell you my mother was my saving grace and without her influence in my life I do not know where I would be today. Back then she did not know about Al-Anon but she did the very best she could at the time and I am so grateful to her for being there for me. She was the stablizing force in our family just as you are for your children.
Alcoholism is a disease that affects the whole family and no one here or in chat has the right to judge you in any way. I would even be so bold as to say they need to focus on their own recovery and remember that for every finger we point outward there is one finger pointing back at us. None of us have the right to make any decisions for someone else's life. Please keep coming back for the love and support that many of us have to offer you.
Love in recovery - Shimo (Jeri)
kerry5 said
Aug 11, 2005
Hi Julie,
I was in your situation, and i wanted out badly after i had children. We had problems before we had them and we lived together for 8 years before i got married. When we had children it got worse and i stayed another 4 years before i finally had the courage to leave. I always wanted out. I felt so so trapped living with him but i didnt see any other way out . And i was terrified to leave with not a cent to my name and i wasnt working either. And he had debts in my name. When i came to alanon i felt like the worse mother in the world yelling at a 2 and 3 year old, and then a member said to me kerry your a good mother your in recovery and you want to be better for your children and that was true i did. i was abused as a child by my parents they were both alcoholics . I just didnt know how to stop yelling at my kids but i didnt lay a hand on them ever, so an alanon member said to me they will surivive your yelling kerry and i believe now they will, i have calmed down a little since my mom passed in april but i have a long way to go. I had massive conflict with my ex and always had to fight with him to not fight with them. I decided to leave one night when i was having a really bad day with the kids i didnt yell that day but they were being bad and i wanted a break. hje wasnt even home 5 minutes and he took my daughter while she was crying and picked her up in the air and slammed her down and i heard her voice jerk i told him to leave. And he gave me all the threats if you leave the kids stay.. and so on.. but i researched all my rights for the year before without him knowing and he couldnt threaten me. I explained to the kids and it was very very hard. But i still believe to this day that in the long run it was the best thing i did and i do not regret it. I live on welfare still havent been able to find a life yet as i been taking care of my mom and my kids. I also am starting therapy with my children. Dont ever let anyone tell you who you are. In alanon we say take what you like and leave the rest, you dont have to agree with everyone and just because someone says something it doesnt make it true right? You know who you are. No one has walked in your shoes therefore has no right to judge you. Keep coming back to meetings and chat as one person shouldnt stop you from recovery. All the best to you. I think your very brave.
kerry
Jill said
Aug 11, 2005
oh ((Browneyes)) I'm sorry someone got you in the spot you hated them to touch. I have areas like that too, and I protect my spots from other people's criticisms by not talking about issues that might bring criticism on me. But then I noticed I never got to "air them out", and they grew too powerful. I have come to try to ignore or detach with love on a good day, "advice" I get from some al-anoners. For me, it's just like I've come to know when my A is going to say something I used to hate to hear. I can't control him, any more than I can control the battleaxes that tell me how awful I've lived my life. I can treasure and ponder the information, experience , strength and hope of people whose stories give me strength. It's that smorgasbord approach to alanon - take what I like and leave the rest. It gets easier with practice. (I wasn't in the room when this came up).
isabela40 said
Aug 12, 2005
Hi Julie,
I am so sorry to hear that things are difficult for your children.
I can share what I did with my daughter.
I just gave up any ideas or fantasies I had about being a "family" and started living as a single parent. My daughter and I made plans to do fun things and did not include or invite Dad.
I would cook him a dinner in the crockpot (easy and quick) then my daughter and I would pack simple PB & J sandwhiches and walk to the park and have calm peaceful and fun picnics in the park. We would stay in her room and do crafts like knitting, etc. and wait for Dad to be knocked out drunk THEN go and pop popcorn and watch TV.
Dad did not mind in the least, less noise and interference for him to enjoy his drinking with.
I also stopped even informing him of any special events, lest he "ruin" it by saying he would go, then being a total jerk and being passive aggresive and making us late, yelling at us, just ruining everything. We would just go, and happily leave him behind. I did not invite him to my college graduation and so it was a memorable event with my "real" family, my parents, my brother, daughter, etc. he also did not come to my father's funeral.
Last night at the meeting we were talking about boundries and I brought up the subject about setting boundries for our children because they are too young to set them for themselves.
My children are 8 and 5, so I feel like they are still too young to stand up for themselves. so I need to do it for them. But then I feel like I am constantly fighting with my husband because he is irrational and irate with them and i step in , which makes it worse.
I am currently working on a plan to get away from him but in the mean time things are very unstable. I am the stability in their lives, their comfort, and their trust. I feel I am letting them down every day they hurt. It is a very hard situation to deal with.
And the only reason i don't leave right this second is that I feel the damage would be worse to uproot them again. Anyway, things are slowly coming along. As soon as my daughter is accepted from the waiting list at the daycare, I can work and leave asap.
Does anyone have any experience with this situation? And what worked for you and your children to have the least amount of stress put upon them? I feel I need to get them out asap but until then???????????????
Also, something that bothered me at the meeting; Everyone there was so very supportive and encouraged me to keep coming back and join chat,etc.
Except for one person who told me "Please do not let your children be abused like that". I was crushed because I KNOW that they are hurting and I felt like I was being judged and persecuted. I went to answer the person but they signed off. I am doing the best I can and feel like I am making progress in Alanon. I just wish that before someone says something like that, they think about how it might make the other person feel.
Well if anyone feels like sharing I would appreciate anything.
Thanks so much
Julie D.
((((Julie))))
I can so relate to the hurt that one member caused you as that exact same thing has happend to me. I was crushed and began to question myself as a parent.
I have since realized that I am the best mother that I can be to my children and in turn they have been my one and only constant as I am theirs. The best thing I have done for my children and myself is to get my self healthier in every way and working my program. Instead of being the crazy unstable lunatic that I was I am now a happier heathier mom that does much more with my children rather than worrying about everything. I these changes in my self our home life has improved alot and I see the change in my children as well as my active husband.
Setting bondaries for my self and my children has been essential especially when it comes the kids welfare, you exactly right that they can not set such boundaries at their ages. However I have had to set boundaries for my self that indirectly effect the children such as my behavior and the way that I was with their father and how things that I did were unintentionally harmful to the kids. There is no longer any fighting or name calling and no anger towards my A's actions and have taken the time that when I was consumed in my anger and turned it in to quality time with my children rather than being angry at my absent husband.
Keep comming back and in time you will know what you have to do for yourself and your children.
Love in recovery
JJ
((((((((((Julie))))))))))))),
Oh please don't ever let people make you feel horrible for the situation you are in. NOBODY HAS ANY RIGHT TO JUDGE YOU! This is one of the reasons why I feel uncomfortable discussing my children here, because of a few comments that I have been given about staying with my "A" and having children.
As for your situation, all I can tell you is what I have been told, if you can wait until you are as prepared as you can be. Sorry, but that is all I have.
Take care of yourself, and keep coming back, we are all here for you.
Much Love,
Hi browneyes,
My children are all grown and I have grandchildren but I can tell you that you are a great parent for you are here in recovery with the rest of us and that will benefit your children in the long run. My father was very much like your husband and I am here to tell you my mother was my saving grace and without her influence in my life I do not know where I would be today. Back then she did not know about Al-Anon but she did the very best she could at the time and I am so grateful to her for being there for me. She was the stablizing force in our family just as you are for your children.
Alcoholism is a disease that affects the whole family and no one here or in chat has the right to judge you in any way. I would even be so bold as to say they need to focus on their own recovery and remember that for every finger we point outward there is one finger pointing back at us. None of us have the right to make any decisions for someone else's life. Please keep coming back for the love and support that many of us have to offer you.
Love in recovery - Shimo (Jeri)
Hi Julie,
I was in your situation, and i wanted out badly after i had children. We had problems before we had them and we lived together for 8 years before i got married. When we had children it got worse and i stayed another 4 years before i finally had the courage to leave. I always wanted out. I felt so so trapped living with him but i didnt see any other way out . And i was terrified to leave with not a cent to my name and i wasnt working either. And he had debts in my name. When i came to alanon i felt like the worse mother in the world yelling at a 2 and 3 year old, and then a member said to me kerry your a good mother your in recovery and you want to be better for your children and that was true i did. i was abused as a child by my parents they were both alcoholics . I just didnt know how to stop yelling at my kids but i didnt lay a hand on them ever, so an alanon member said to me they will surivive your yelling kerry and i believe now they will, i have calmed down a little since my mom passed in april but i have a long way to go. I had massive conflict with my ex and always had to fight with him to not fight with them. I decided to leave one night when i was having a really bad day with the kids i didnt yell that day but they were being bad and i wanted a break. hje wasnt even home 5 minutes and he took my daughter while she was crying and picked her up in the air and slammed her down and i heard her voice jerk i told him to leave. And he gave me all the threats if you leave the kids stay.. and so on.. but i researched all my rights for the year before without him knowing and he couldnt threaten me. I explained to the kids and it was very very hard. But i still believe to this day that in the long run it was the best thing i did and i do not regret it. I live on welfare still havent been able to find a life yet as i been taking care of my mom and my kids. I also am starting therapy with my children. Dont ever let anyone tell you who you are. In alanon we say take what you like and leave the rest, you dont have to agree with everyone and just because someone says something it doesnt make it true right? You know who you are. No one has walked in your shoes therefore has no right to judge you. Keep coming back to meetings and chat as one person shouldnt stop you from recovery. All the best to you. I think your very brave.
kerry
Hi Julie,
I am so sorry to hear that things are difficult for your children.
I can share what I did with my daughter.
I just gave up any ideas or fantasies I had about being a "family" and started living as a single parent. My daughter and I made plans to do fun things and did not include or invite Dad.
I would cook him a dinner in the crockpot (easy and quick) then my daughter and I would pack simple PB & J sandwhiches and walk to the park and have calm peaceful and fun picnics in the park. We would stay in her room and do crafts like knitting, etc. and wait for Dad to be knocked out drunk THEN go and pop popcorn and watch TV.
Dad did not mind in the least, less noise and interference for him to enjoy his drinking with.
I also stopped even informing him of any special events, lest he "ruin" it by saying he would go, then being a total jerk and being passive aggresive and making us late, yelling at us, just ruining everything. We would just go, and happily leave him behind. I did not invite him to my college graduation and so it was a memorable event with my "real" family, my parents, my brother, daughter, etc. he also did not come to my father's funeral.
I hope things get better for your kids.
Isabela