Hi everyone,

    I have gone through and so many of the posts and so many relate to how I am feeling or things going on in my life.  My lastest crisis is my kids emotions.  It is so hard not to carry resentments straight through to them, especially my daughter who is 9 and tends to push me.  It isn't fair to be nasty to them or just snap at them but I do.  I regret it everytime but it is almost as hard to change my reactions to them as it is to change them towards the a. 

    I so want to change this behavior, It just seems so hard.  I shouldn't have to force myself to be nice to my kids.

   I hope I don't sound like the worst mother in the world because thats how I feel and the more I worry about my kids hating me when the get older the harder it seems to change.

Thanks for being here

Holly

Holly,

You are not the worst mother.  We are under alot of stress and pressure dealing with alcoholics and the chaos it brings.

I need to follow my own advice, but I think if you take the focus off the A and find the serenity everyone talks of--there will be no more snapping at the children.  Stick with alanon--get to meetings, read, pray for serenity.

We all know this but there is nothing we can do to change them, control them or cure them so we might as well enjoy our life---with or without them.

mom to 2

Holly, I relate to what you are saying.  I did not realize until coming into Alanon that yelled all the time at my daughter who was 11 or 12 at the time.  After coming to Alanon I realized that everytime things got crazy with the A or he pushed my buttons I took it out on my daughter.  Alanon taught me first awareness, and it sounds like you have that.  Once I was aware I did that I really started working on changing that.  I talked lots about it in meetings and the the more meetings I went to and the better I got the more it stopped.  It got to the point when things were crazy we (my daughter and I) went out and did something fun, even if it was McDonalds.  I know today, the best thing I did for my child was come to this program and I am setting the example.  Today I am not perfect but if I blow up to her today, I can always make amends which is something I never use to do.  Now she is 20 and today she will tell you Alanon made her Mom nice again.  I have heard her say that many times.  It makes me know that I cahanged the things I could.  Keep coming back it works if you work it.

Hi holly your not a bad mum, i am exactly the same as you.  I certainly feel bad at times, but looking after children is never easy and with all this to cope with as well, its no wonder we act the way we do.  The good thing is that we are now in alanon and are aware of our behaviour and in time hopefully this will change.  I am divorced from my A , but still have to cope with his behaviour and bring up 3 children on my own, work full time, and keep my house running.  Its not an easy job. Hang on in there.

Love Mel

Hi holly,

Ive been struggling with this since my kids were young. I yell often. I divorced when they were 2 and 3 and my yelling got worse. they are now 6 and 7. But i say sorry to them when i yell and i know that doesnt lighten it for them. I explained to them that i have a problem with anger and that i go to meetings to try to get better. I havent stopped yelling yet. Its like i go into some sort of instant panic when they dont listen. And it freaks me out makes me feel like a bad mother. And since everyone in my family and my exes family always told me i would be it makes it worse. There are things you can do. Leave the room before you yell for a second i do but my kids follow me. So i have to talk to myself before i yell, Its lessoned but its not at nothing and today and yesturday i havent made it. Iwant to stop yelling so much because my kids have been through enough. Some days i can say now i didnt yell never used to be able to say that. And i will explain to my kids what my life was in my childhood as soon as they are old enough. And i will aslo put them in alateen next year.

kerry

Holly,

I have been there to, I am so mad at thier father and before I know it I am spitting venom at everyone. I regret it to, and end up feeling worse than I was before I yelled at them. They are young and don't understand what is goign on, just that they mommy and daddy are upset.

What I do, is I always apologize to whoever I snapped at. I explain that I am not mad at them, but that still doesn't make it right for me to snap at them. I then give my oldest a chance to vent some of her feelings and then hold her if she wants it or let her go play if that;s what she wants. With my younger children I love on them and tell them I am sorry and just hold them until they want down from my lap.

This disease that we live with makes it difficult to stay sane, and as much as I want my children to have a sane mommy, I hope that they can benifit from a mommy that knows she makes mistakes and owns up to them.

My sponsor shared with me that when her children were little they thought she was the the sick one because she would yell and scream and slam doors and be upset with her "A". And as her kids saw her acting like that, they saw their dad "asleep" on the couch. So of course to them he was doing nothing wrong and she was the crazy one.

Keep coming back, this program works!

Much Love!

Hello Holly, so glad u posted here today, I was like you ashamed of the way I had no patience with kids I was a screamer too .When I got to this progra  I bought a tape and she had an answer for me.  I  heard a lady say  to" pick it up and don't bitch  or don't pick it up and don't bitch. " somehow when I heard that I knew I could apply it to my relationship with my kids. I stopped hollering (not overnite)  stoped complaining  about toys left or god forbid spilled milk and cookie crumbs. I started to pick it up (with out the lecture) and put it away myself or Iwould leave it for them to put away. 

 The look on my kids face when I stopped hollering was worth the effort , they had made a real mess one day and I lost it ,reverted back to screaming meemie  and my son looked at me and said   "theres my mom"  they were confused when I stoped hollering . when myson said that  I left the room and cried  because he was right I was the old screamer, for those few moments.  How sad when a kid  can't understand a calm mom,

I had become so obsessed with him  that I stopped listening to my sons, was too busy thinking.  I don't remember when I stopped hugging them or telling them that I loved them but I did. Al-Anon showed me how to do this again and for that i am grateful. When i stopped hollering and started to enjoy my kids again the atmosphere in our  home changed over nite.

We started to laugh more ,enough so that it brought the alcoholic out of his bedroom to see what was going on.   I am so grateful for what I have found here  today thanks to this program I am a better mom. they are grown men now and we are very close.   good luck

Louise

I would also like to know how to control my anger with my son, he is 17.  I know I take out some of my anger on him (anger from my A) but also my son tends to push my buttons beyond belief, I just can't help but yell at him and I know he hates it, he tells me all I ever do is yell and then I tell him well if you would listen and do what you are suppose to I wouldn't have to yell and repeat myself 10 times.  I am really learning to control my anger with my A (husband), I've learned not to yell at him when he's drunk (does no good) and then when he is sober and is complaining about something I just don't let it bother me, I'm sure I've had some slip ups, I've only been doing that for a couple weeks but I can really tell a difference in myself.  I'm just wondering how to handle the yelling and anger I have with my son??  Especially when he refuses to listen to rules and doing chores.

Thanks.

Kristi

Hi,

I found with my own children when I snap at them, I go back and apoligize.  It seems like a little thing to do but with I am sorry for my behavior, I had no right to talk to you that way, a hug, and a kiss, they easily forgive me and it makes me aware of what I'm doing the next time I want to snap at someone.

Hugs Mary

Hi Holly and everyone else,

Glad this topic came up. Cuz I am just about to rip my daughter's head off !!! Right now I am absolutely furious with her. She has no respect for anyone, or anything. She treats me worse than the "A" ever has (even on a really bad day). The garbage that comes out of her mouth is appalling and so hurtful. She still resents her father's addiction and in some twisted way she thinks it's my fault for everything that goes on in this house. She denies any responsibility for for her actions.

I had the carpet in her room cleaned and within a week it is all full of soda stains and glue. I just redid the bath (as a treat for me). Brand new towels curtains the whole nine yards. The towels haven't been up one day yet and already they are ruined. She got bleach all over one of them.

What really irks me about her is that she is a brillant child. A straight A student with high honors. I just don't understand how someone could be so book smart and so unskilled with the rest of her life.

I have given up trying to get her to take a bath or brush her teeth.

What is really scary is that with all of her antics she is like the wind. One moment she is like gold being helpful and polite then for now apparent reason she becomes a Bxxxh.  I am seriously thinking she has bi-polar disease.

She is always at odds with her sister, who is a calm serene young adult.  Her jealousy and resentments are making my blood boil.

She even opens her mouth up to her father which is scary because I fear how he will react.

Talk about resentments I am building a really big resentment towards her. And on top of it I feel guilty because she is my child, my flesh and blood. But she makes me feel like a doormat  only to be used and trashed.

Sorry for the vent but right now I could bust a gut.

Love & God Bless

lildee

Hi Holly,

You are right, this is a popular topic.  I also struggle with yelling at my children out of frustration.  I'm a mother of two year old twin boys, there Dad is the a in our lives and some days he acts just as infantile as they do.  I have began to realize that I usually yell the most when I'm angry at him and we have just had an argument ourselves.  I yell when I'm stressed out, I yell when I feel rushed for time.  My poor babies are just being themselves, they're learning independence and are very demanding.  In my home growing up, my Dad yelled at us usually before school, I'd go to school feeling like crap.  I have posted on this topic as well, because I see that I am perpetuating the cycle of poor communication in my home.  Coming to Alanon has helped me look at myself and my character defects, this is a big one for me as I'm sure for lots of us.  We come from all kinds of homes with lots of different defects.  Some one here told me to make up my own Just for Today quotes; like " Just for Today I will not yell at my children."  Just for Today I will enjoy my children, their expressions, playing with them, whatever it may be.  It has helped me tremendously, I tell myself, there is nothing they can do in life that warrants me screaming, or having a tantrum myself, they get enough of that from their Daddy who doesn't appear to be proactive in trying to change himself.  So, its up to me to work out my defects and try to change the cycle...  Good luck