What do they say "You only get what you deserve". I'm beginning to wonder what I did in the past to deserve what is on my plate now.   My life is so complex and such a long story its not worth boring anyone with except to say that my partner started binge drinking in 97  and has continued off and on since.  I suppose most people have "stories" to tell but I've got to the edge now when despair is creeping in.  I can't sell the house because of the markets, I have a house in Spain I can't afford to go to and just pay for the upkeep from my savings and I have a partner who is constantly in denial.

I've ranted and raved, thown things at him, nearly murdered him, taken pills to end it all (I didn't take enough) had to call the police 3 times - not to get him off me but to protect him in case I did actually kill him. I hate where I live because everyone knows about us, our rows etc.  There is even another alocholic 3 doors down who is worse than him.  What are the odds there!!!

All the help there is happens to be in the daytime when my alcoholic partner is sobor.  He makes the excuse of going to see his sponsor, the corner shop etc. and must just get a small bottle of vodka and he's away.  Up until yesterday he had always been verbally abusive but I think he might have learnt his lesson with the visits from the police and last night just sat in a chair and snored and in a couple of hours he was the nice polite person he is.   I could have killed him.  I hate him so much, he has destroyed my life I don't find comfort in an Al anon meeting (which is 25 miles away) I can't speak in front of people and in any case I felt that most people there I couldn't relate to because a) I knew one was telling porkies and the rest in the room had alcoholic parents.

 I dread him making an excuse to go out as I know what will happen - I can't stop him going out.  His uncle comes for t on a sat and sun and when he takes him back, he buys drink  on the way home obviously finds a quiet spot to drink it and then comes home.  Its all done in about half an hour.

  He goes to AA but I think most people there know he is still drinking.  Its not a nice AA meeting by all accounts - where people are big headed, arrogant and dismissive.  I know because its not all that anonymous and know the people who go there.  He has tried other meetings but these are small and he says he doesn't get anything out of them!!!  He is about to change his job and I am pretty scared.  He has no work ethic, is lazy, tomorrow will do, never rings clients back who will give us business (and thus our livlihood), is deceitful and tells lies(although he says I tell lies which I was always brought up not to do)  His father was an alcoholic his mother is a shopaholic and a pathetic creature, his uncle was an alcoholic and apparently his grandfather an abusive bully.

I think he only needs a small amount of alcohol to get him high and I think, reading between the   for the vodka not to smell. He is crafty.

I knew last night that he had been drinking and he at first denied it, and when confronted this morning he said  "Oh well, you want me to say I had been drinking so you have got the right answer".   Trouble is I receive £100 a week and quite frankly couldn't live on this if I kcicked him out.  When he is sobor he tries his best but you always need to be pushing him.

He is up to his eyes in debt (whats new with an alcoholic) and he says its my fault because our mortgage on the other house was so big.  Well I wonder why?

Have I a selfish attitude?  I don't go anywhere, our weekend walks have gone by the board as I know when we are out he is not enjoying it (probably wondering how long it would be before getting his uncle and the ultimate drink). I have no friends any more because I can't have the car and I can't bear anyone to say to me, how are you, I have no news to tell anyone, nothing is happening I feel ashamed.

I see my bank balance dwindling and yet I am prepared to put some of my savings into the new business he wants to run.  If I knew he would WORK I know it would be very successful as we are in the same business now.

He has had one hospital detox where I supported him and just about crippled us financially and twice detoxed at home.  He has had time off work whereby we have not earned anything, once for gall stones but don't know actually if it was or just that he wanted to drink.  Whilst being detoxed in hospital he received out patient counselling and he was put on cipromil.  Last week I could see that he was on edge, wagging his feet up and down and generally uneasy so I made him go to the hospital. The dr he usually sees wasn't there and saw someone else who told him he shouldn't be on cipromil and has now given him 2 weeks supply of venlafaxine.  The dr is going to tell him in 2 weeks whats wrong with him!!!!

One of his excuses is that a) he never has any money b) that I didn't let him have any money from my old home and b) if I kicked him out he'd go with nothing.

My answers are that a) I met him with the most basic of wardrobes, no car, no home and no money I supported him until he got on his feet - about 2 years.

b) my home was through a divorce settlement and at the time the mortgage was small, we paid my ex husband out and took on a slightly bigger mortgage.  Then through a "good investment" I lost £20,000 inheritence and £30,000 on a remotgage plus savings.  He says that its all my fault that he has no money.  If he had £5 in his pocket he would not come home until he'd spent the lot. 

He now has a wardrobe of clothes that won't fit in the wardrobe and the car which had been mine has now been changed and the new one in his name. 

He can't see it... or am I the stupid one

Sorry for moaning, I've cried so much this morning ,my stomach is churning (whats new) I don't know what to do.

Can anyone offer advice I'm at my wits end

 

hi and welcome

 

i read ALOT about your alcoholic and his problems and his meetings.

How about you?
Are you new to alanon?
Have you gone to a meeting?

 

Alanon teaches us to take the focus back off the alcoholic and put it on ourselves.

here are the 3 c's of alcoholism, you didn't cause it you can't cure it and you can't control it.

You can however control yourself.

Do something nice for yourself today

 

and keep coming back

 

megan

Dear Annie,

So hard, I know, to live with this.  All of us have been or are in your shoes.

I understand that with alanon meetings 25 miles away, it's not likely you will go.  And I know the meetings will not make your partner change.  I have an incredibly stubborn will myself.  I have tried, tried, tried all kinds of craziness to get my alcoholic to do what he needs to do to get sober.  And slowly, so slowly, I understand that I have to change.  You will not change him. 

Financial problems go hand in hand with alcoholism.  I know you don't want to hear this, because I didn't want to hear this...you will need to do what is necessary to fix the financial troubles...not him.  He can't or won't...maybe will sporadically, but you know his history.

Come to this message board.  Check out books at the library on alcoholism, alanon, recovery for yourself.  You are sick with your alcoholic, so you need help.

Love to you from the USA...keep coming.

Annieb,

I don't have a lot of time to post but this one stood out for me.

You are not crazy--you are living in a crazy situation.  We all are.

We know what we need to do, we need to worry about and take care of ourselves.

Get to a meeting and listen, you will find help and support.

Now, if I could only do all that for myself too.

mom to 2

Yes, you all all right thanks for posting.  He has come home at lunchtime and gone back to his sponsor's house says he wants to go into a 6 week rehab but it costs £6,000.  There is another rehab nearer but there is a 2 month waiting list and I'm waiting for a phone call from his dr to see if he can help.  The two people with him both went to private rehab but then neither of them now work 20 yrs down the line and live off State Benefits.  I have saved long and hard and don't see why I should carry on getting him out of the sh**.

Yes, it is too far to go to an al anon meeting, as you may guess, if he does go into rehab for 6 weeks I will have £2,000 a month of bills to pay on £400.  Even if I got a job it won't satisfy the money.  I suppose most people have been there, done it and got lots of T shirts and I do want to thank everyone for taking the time to help me and give me advice.

I will up date as I go along.  Just waiting for a telephone call from the bank manager and dr.

PS first time I've been on a message board so don't know quite how I'm doing posting replies

 

Oh Annie, my hearts cries for you so. No one, yourself included, deserves this kind of life. You are right; there is nothing you can do to stop this. Have you any family who could help out should you decide to leave? At least until you can get your feet on the ground? What sort of work can you do? Are you reaching retirement age? I know the advice will be to go to Al Anon meetings, but you obviously are not getting what you want from them. I do understand, believe me, I do. It seems a truly impossible situation, but what about public assistance only until you can find your own way? Are you in Great Britain? Surely there is some help if you want to remove yourself from the whole mess! For once I am without advice! Most here will tell you that's a first for me. But my loving prayers and positive thoughts are with you, for whatever good you wish to count them. My soul cries out to you, "Get away, dear girl. Get away". My brain tells me that's not as easy as it sounds. (((((((((Annie))))))))))))) With caring and great concern, Diva

Yes I do live in the UK and no there isn't any family except my daughter. She is studying a PhD in anger believe it or not in London and I don't want to worry her when she is so far away.  No there is no financial help in the UK, if you were an immigrant maybe.  There are no allowances or financial help because I have savings in the bank, very quickly diminishing. I can't remove myself from the situation because its my house.  You may say that I did another stupid thing, but when I sold my old house I got quite a bit of money for it, but you will never believe what I did, I bought a place in Spain (with no mortgage and money in the spanish bank to run it) If I had left the money in the bank, by now I probably wouldn't have any of that money left.   I also have a mortgage on this property which my partner wanted as he had walked away from his wife (she didn't want any alcoholic behavour any more) So I suppose if I had the mortgage to pay and the bills and got a job I would be just OK but my partner has 4 visa cards up to the hilt and one in my name.  Yes I have a bit of money in the bank but I was in this situation last August when he detoxed and I had to pay all the bills out of savings, and here I am again, 12 months down the line doing it again. I've just emailed an agency so might get something there. At 62 secretarial jobs are hard to come by and most people my age without qualifications end up checking out at Asda to make ends meet.  Trouble is once you dip into savings you don't put it back as I have helped him out on numerous occasions before.  I feel awful about it as my daughter hasn't had any money from me and is self supporting at Uni.  She will inhert both houses if anything should happen to me.

 

My partner has come home now, he says he is at rock bottom and he's seeing a dr tomorrow hoping that he may go into a 6 weeks detox.  He has gone to a good AA meeting 25 miles away.  AA and Alanon meetings are not very good in our area, we have to travel a good way say 20-30 miles to get a good AA meeting as here in our town - there is one for "girls" where men do go but are uncomfortable because they can't smoke and another where most of the people go are self-opinionated.  I know because I know quite a few of the people who go there.  The old stagers dropped off years ago because of the then newcomers.  This I think is a British attitude and no-one at this meeting ever speaks kindly  to my partner to make him feel welcome and he has a resentful attitude towards them because they are all so self-opinionated.  The AA meeting he is going to tonight is in a very cosmopolitan city and tomorrow when he wakes up he will be a little stronger.  I am desperately trying to distance myself but its hard, with a new job on the horizon and a good means of him getting out of financial situation and I just wish he'd done the residential bit last year and maybe he would be fine now, but I can't look back. With regard to other assistance, if the police are called in, eventually....... days later a community officer ring you and tells you who is available to ring.  However, I got myself a counsellor but she had no experience in alcohol, in fact a counsellor friend called her dippy.  She also went to one of the AA meetings here and advised the meeting that drinking in moderation was OK. She more or less got kicked out.  It clicked when I talked to her who she was poor girl. In England we pay National Insurance contributions to be referred to hospitals and other benefits but when it comes down to it the wait is so bad you just go off and pay a fee for consultations.  In Spain they have a fantastic health system and treat their elderly well: it used to be poor country but not now.  In England we are bled dry by taxes.  Sorry its a little hobby horse I and lots of countrymen feel very sore about.  Detaching myself, I am now waiting for 10.00 to see how he's got on and then tomorrow at the hospital.  It will be interesting because he is a muslim and I can't figure out how a muslim can know about alcoholism.  Never mind, he sounds quite nice.  Will let you all know how we get on.

annieb,

I know exactly how you feel.  My husband went to a private rehab in March--$21000 out of his own pocket.  Not exactly, he put it on a credit card which I doubt he will ever pay.

He has gone on to become a "chronic relapser"--whatever that means.  It means no job, non functioning and living for drugs and alcohol.   He has been expressing an urgent desire to return to rehab and regain a life but no rehab seems to be good enough now--after the posh private facility.  His insurance will cover the cost of these other places.

So yet again he went to a rehab last night and said he just couldn't stay there--it looks too dirty.  In the kindest voice, I said you have no job, you are not welcome here and you are out of credit and nearly out of cash--the streets are dirty too.  I told him not to call me anymore.

I woke up this morning and guess who's asleep on my couch.  It's too much to bear at times.

So as I write he's off to the same rehab again.  Said, "I have no other choice" no f---ing duh!

So we'll see what happens.  And so it goes.

mom to 2

Hello Mom of 2, you sound like me.  The hospital my partner wanted to go into was £6,000 for 6 weeks and the one 20 miles from here is NHS and yes, free if he can get a place, but its awful or as I remember it to be.  I worked for a famous archaeogist who was an alcoholic and my ex husband had to take him into this hospital.   I luckily went with a vicar friend when I visited but I remember shaking from head to foot (I was 27 and I suppose lead a fairly sheltered life) and the vile urine smell, oh it was awful. I'm not sure whether my partner will like it but I sure as hell are not going to give him £6,000.  Yes I think a chronic relapser is what it says, he comes and goes with alcohol so hospitalisation didn't help. Is he on the AA program.  My partner says he doesn't believe in a higher power, but I notice today he's using the name "God" !!! so his sponsor has been getting on at him. I'm just doing a little essay for the dr. I intend to email it tomorrow so he can read all about my partner before our meeting at 12.30.  I still feel that some personalities can take how they were treated as children and my partner's mother is awful, I'm glad she's not my mother.  I think he feels ashamed of her because she is so pathetic but she can be so so nasty when she thinks no-one can hear her.  What sort of a childhood did your husband have.  I'm quite interested in what makes people tick because I suppose it depends on your personality as to whether your parent's attitude towards you affects you.   I think we could all do with parenting lessons at school.  My daughter says I was over protective towards her but I have learnt to let go and not worry about her being in London even though I know she's out on the town on Saturday night as its her birthday.  Keep me posted Mum of 2, I want to keep in touch and try and give you some support now.  See ya

annieb,

My husband's childhood was difficult--I guess you could say.  His mother was divorced 3 times by the time he was 16.  He does not know his father--he thought his sister's father was his own until his mother divorced him when my husband was 7.  There were name changes involved and he spent alot of time living with his grandparents.  His mother was very indulgent and there was no discipline.  She was buying him beer when he was 15--allowed him to keep beer in the house.  I don't think she ever said no to him.  He feels alot of anger towards her now.

You asked about AA.  He's been, many times in fact.  I think he never surrendered to the philosophy---I don't think he ever looked forward to meetings or enjoyed them but went because he thought he had to. 

He's been out drinking and drugging for nearly 2 months with no job and yet he carries his AA chips in his overnight bag.  I think that's so strange.

That being said---I come from an alcoholic father and divorce.  We were poor and my mother was not there for my sister and myself.  My mother was divorced at the age of 30 and started partying herself.  My sister and I were left home alone to do whatever we wanted.  I have never touched a drug--never overused alcohol and feel perfectly well adjusted.

I met my husband when we were 17 years old.  We were married at age 23.  We're 38 now.

He drank too much some of the time back then--then he drank too much whenever we drank--then I stopped drinking with him and he only drank too much when he went out after work--then I guess he started hiding his alcohol use--I didn't know.  Then he went to rehab in March and has spiraled into an abyss since--things are very bad for him and the family and he has barely been here since June.  So we'll see if he makes it to rehab this time--and see if it helps him to recover this time.

It's awful and I wish you the best of luck with everything.

Let me know how things go too.

mom to 2

ps our children are aged 3 1/2 and 21 months

Just had a quick look at postings and will reply tomorrow. Its near 10 pm here in the UK so I'm waiting to see how the AA meeting went.  Let you all know how we get on tomorrow.  I've done this little essay now I've done both sides of the story, how I get so angry I hit out etc.  I don't know what to say to you all, you have been so kind to me and I know what you are all going through. See ya tomorrow

Dear Annie,

The truth is that it really doesn't matter how he gets on at the AA meeting.  He will or won't get better.  Odds are he will not get better.  You need to focus on yourself.  Suggest you go forward assuming he will continue to drink and he will not get you out of the financial mess.  Assume he will get worse.  Assume he will not get well.

Have you tried to sell the house in Spain?  Have you invited him to leave your home?

I've been told not to obsess about the alcoholic and to do what is right for me and the kids.  For me that means getting a job and getting away from him.  I am 50 and have worked with my husband in our own business for 6 years.  I really don't want to walk away, but I must.  It will be hard.  It will suck.  I have no choice becuz HE WILL NOT GET BETTER.  My kids are 13 and 17, and he is poisoning us.  He will not get better...he will not get better...he will not get better.  With that mantra in my head, I have to decide how to go forward.  I have whined for so long I can't stand to listen to myself.  I've given myself a good talking to and I am blessed to have this message board and a very dear friend who will allow me to vent.  But I know that I have to do what is right for me.  I can moan and groan but in the end I am responsible for making things right in my life.

This is tough love for myself.  Still after many years of living with my alcoholic, I want to hear that he will work a program...that he will get better.  But I'm finally getting it...he will not get better.  Now I have to shut up about him and make things right.

 

 

Well here I am again, I'm not sure whether I am coming or going today as my daughter has just telephoned me to say that her Dad has just been found dead in bed this morning.  We have both lost a friend.

Thursday we went to see the dr and he had hinted to me on the telephone that there was perhaps something amiss with my partner.  I had done a short essay of how things were pulling no punches which I sent via email before we arrived. 

Cutting a very long story short my partner has bipolar disease and is not an alcoholic.  It just makes me wonder how many other alocholics have the same symptoms and are not really alcoholics but need the alcohol to get the high when they are low.  Its been a traumatic 2 days and I'm just waiting for Jane to come home. 

If anyone is interested in bipolar disorder go onto the internet and see if your partners have the same symptoms, my partner has nearly all of them : I took him to an AA meeting last night. He is full of guilt about how he has put everyone through hell over the years : but its not his fault.  He has been told he probably has had this since childhood and it is inherited which is probably why his mother is odd and his daughter has been on prozac since 14.   its a pity my ex has died because he was a crook to lean of over the years and always gave me sound advice.  He was a very high up freemason in England.  My partner has been put on drugs and has to do a daily diary for 6 months. The dr is seeing him every week, weighing him and taking blood tests and we have to go from there.  The lows are when he's verbally abusive and has alcohol to give him the high.  I can't take it all in myself yet.

Apparently the phycologist who saw him 12 months ago also thought he was a manic depressive but then if you only see someone once every 3 months you don't get to the bottom of things properly.  They said if I hadn't got the emergency appointment they might never have discovered anything. Its scarey

By the way, the dr wouldn't put in rehab for alcoholics because he said he wasn't one but that he used alcohol to get the high. So there you are.

Look forward to hearing from anyone  - its a sh** life sometimes isn't it? 

 

annieb,

sorry about your current situation.  That's alot to handle at one time.

Hopefully things will improve.

mom to 2