I am writing this to seek opinions/advise or just validations of my emotions.
My husband is an "A" . He grew up in an enviroment where both parents were alcoholics. His grandparents were alcoholics and family drank at every occasion.
We have been married for almost 19 years and I can honestly say that even before we married i knew this. I knew that he drank and lead a lifestyle that I was not use to .
We married about a 1 1/2 after we met and he would drink a 6 pack on a regular basis.
We had children and the drinking continued. Slowly getting worse.. I can say that the drinking really didnt bother me back then. Maybe i put it out of my mind. Maybe, I just chose to ignore.. Regardless, i never said a word about his drinking.
About 3 years ago he was really drunk and we got into a HUGE fight.. Well, to make a long story short he acknowledged he had a problem and committed he would quit drinking himself or would get help. He went 3 months without a drink..
During the last 3 years his drinking really bothers me. He often gets drunk and we cant go anywhere without him getting drunk ( christmas parties, weddings, cruises ).
Last friday after a funeral he got drunk and i totally lost it !! I mean just cried cried cried.. I spoke with my new friends here and it did help.
We didnt talk Saturday, Sunday and Monday when i came home from work .. He had been drinking... I couldnt believe it .. He wasnt drunk but at that point it didnt really matter.
We fought yet again, and his comments were .. " you knew how i was when you married me " " I have always drank beer" " I love you with ALL your faults, why cant you love me with mine ?"
Last night, I really thought about it. He is right until 3 years ago I didnt say anything . I am not sure why, but i didnt...
Does anyone have any thoughts...???
I am so very confused right now.. We talked last night and he said he will not leave. The kids and I can leave.. The kids have just started school and I dont want to disrupt their life any more than it already has been.
Why didnt i say anything for so long ???
What do i do ?? I really feel that I am at the end of my rope.. Going crazy.. One minute I am happy and know what I want the next I am crying my eyes out. One miniute I know that I need out, the next I cant imagine my life without him.
Please help, I really think i am going crazy.. Dont laugh, but Sunday I went to Wal-mart and forgot where I parked the car.. I mean I had no idea.. I felt so stupid..
I thought i had it all together, but now i am not so sure..
Thanks for llistening.. Sorry, it is so long..
Tammy
tullemars said
Aug 9, 2005
You have to worry about yourself.
It is hard to watch them go deeper into their addiction.
Do something for yourself.
It is all about you.
I wasted to many hours letting it eat me up.
Don't stay in that place.
keep posting
We Are Here.
sanddie said
Aug 9, 2005
No, you are NOT going crazy. :))) I just have one question to ask of everyone here though.... The statement, "and his comments were .. " you knew how i was when you married me " " I have always drank beer" " I love you with ALL your faults, why cant you love me with mine ?" Is this like a learned alcoholic line? lolol-- I think they all say that, as I've been noticing. :) There is ONLY ONE reason too. Because they need to justify their behavior and what better way than trying to make the person who they are hurting feel as if they are wrong for what they feel AND also make them feel guilty for not accepting them, when they say they accept us. The truth is they do not accept anything and THAT is why they drink. If they did accept us just as we are, then they would also be recognizing what it is that we need to feel as if we are accepted. However, this only leads back to ONE TRUTH--- that they don't even accept, love, or care about themselves so how can they care about others?
Hang in there. Don't ever let ANYONE keep you feeling guilty for something you've done in your past--- my response to my ex A at the time we were together whenenver he pulled that line, "and his comments were .. " you knew how i was when you married me " " I have always drank beer" " I love you with ALL your faults, why cant you love me with mine ?" was the problem isn't with you, the problem is with me because I want to believe that you'll get better, not lose hope and yet here is a man standing in front of me without an ounce or compassion or understanding for me. And I don't say that angrily, but with complete truth. That is what the illness does to them and they don't even know it so it really doesn't matter what we do or say. It was after many occasions that this same conversation came about that I finally told my ex A that since his lifestyle was so different than what my lifestyle was and that his needs focused around alcohol, that we needed to find our lives with more compatible partners. Him with another alcoholic and me with someone who will encourage, inspire and life me up, like I do him. :) I am definitely worth more than having someone always trying to make me feel guilty when it is THEIR problem, yet choose to continue to throw something back in my face to offset what they do not want to accept-- their consequences.
End of Story!!!
abbyal said
Aug 9, 2005
Hello Tammy, why didn't I leave ? well u could sit all day and drive yourself nuts thinking about it, or accept the fact tht u didn't and let it go. You don't say if your going to meetings f2f for yourself, i hope u really consider going u need support from people who understand where your at. Your husb said u knew before u married him that he drank, who didn't ? None of us understood the disease of alcoholism back then , like me u married a nice young man with dreams and plans for your future then alcoholism got in the road . He didn't plan on becomming an alcoholic it just happens , it is progressive and it always gets worse.
I didn't want to leave my marriage and thanks to this program i found out I could get happy and get m y life back on track while he did what he had to do. I couldn't have done it with out the support of m y f2f al anon friends and lots of meetings . This is program of attraction and often when we get happier the spouse will follow suit , sometimes they don't but either way it's a win win situation for you, u will be returned to sanity and with or with out him u will be okay.
We cannot change other people (u may have noticed that) but we can change out attitude about what is going on around us. Keep the focus on yourself , step aside and allow him the dignity to figure this out himself while u recover from the effects of someone elses drinking.
It's ok to love an alcoholic tammy. good luck Lousie
kitty said
Aug 9, 2005
I never realized I married an addict (have been divorced over 5 years now) until last month when the bomb w/ my step-dad fell.
I found the program 20 years ago & slowly over the years forgot I needed help & eventually forgot about myself altogether. (no wonder I was so hopelessly depressed, I wasn't even loving me) no instead, I abandonned myself to sacrifice myself for ppl that (ultimately) only care about their immediate gratifications.
I am realising as lovers of A's we too reach our own bottoms.
My ex husband blamed me for everything!!! From the way his day went, to what was in the news to every thing else under the sun! He even encouraged me over & over, to kill myself.
If we don't love ourselves first - we just attract another A - I'll be in the program for the rest of my life, coming to the boards daily is a God-send - I promise, no more addicts or alcoholics for me! If that means I spend the rest of my life alone, I will never again take the blame for someone else's attitudes or behaviour!
I felt crazy too, when I listened to their ridiculous ideas!
You know what your truth is, hang in there (lately I'm doing ok, moment to moment). Think about what you need.
kathy570 said
Aug 9, 2005
Dear Tammy,
((((HUGS FOR YOU )))). I can relate sooo much - I am in the same position you are. Alsmost, I am a recovering A but do not preach the program to hubby. He won't admit it but he knows deep inside that his drinking is a hugh problem. He lost his licence for DUI in Oct 04 and got caught angain the following month. Talk about INSANITY.
I TOTALLY agree with Abbyal. She is soooo right . Try the 5 C's
1 - Get out of his way
2 - Get off his back
3 - Give him to God
4 - Get into yourself
5 - Go to a meeting
It is working for me and I haven't been here that long. But I do see a hugh differance in me already following the 5 G's. I even feel a little serenity & peace because I know that I can not change him & have ACCEPTED that fact.
God Bless & stay strong.
Yours in Recovery
Kathy570
megan said
Aug 10, 2005
Hi Tammy
I was CRAZY when I started alanon last july
living with an active alcoholic is too much for most people to handle.
Their disease makes us sick.
Why were you not aware for so long? I don't know.
With me it was denial. I didn't even know i was lying to myself about how crazy my life was.
it took me ALOT of alanon work to move forward.
the alcoholic and his problems consumed my thoughts. I begged him to stop, kicked him, yelled, threatened. Nothing helped.
Then I found alanon and they told me to take my focus off my A and work on myself.
well one year later i am happier and healthier and have new alanon friends and a full life.
And he is still drinking and in denial of the effects of his drinking.
You have to worry about yourself.
It is hard to watch them go deeper into their addiction.
Do something for yourself.
It is all about you.
I wasted to many hours letting it eat me up.
Don't stay in that place.
keep posting
We Are Here.
No, you are NOT going crazy. :))) I just have one question to ask of everyone here though.... The statement, "and his comments were .. " you knew how i was when you married me " " I have always drank beer" " I love you with ALL your faults, why cant you love me with mine ?" Is this like a learned alcoholic line? lolol-- I think they all say that, as I've been noticing. :) There is ONLY ONE reason too. Because they need to justify their behavior and what better way than trying to make the person who they are hurting feel as if they are wrong for what they feel AND also make them feel guilty for not accepting them, when they say they accept us. The truth is they do not accept anything and THAT is why they drink. If they did accept us just as we are, then they would also be recognizing what it is that we need to feel as if we are accepted. However, this only leads back to ONE TRUTH--- that they don't even accept, love, or care about themselves so how can they care about others?
Hang in there. Don't ever let ANYONE keep you feeling guilty for something you've done in your past--- my response to my ex A at the time we were together whenenver he pulled that line, "and his comments were .. " you knew how i was when you married me " " I have always drank beer" " I love you with ALL your faults, why cant you love me with mine ?" was the problem isn't with you, the problem is with me because I want to believe that you'll get better, not lose hope and yet here is a man standing in front of me without an ounce or compassion or understanding for me. And I don't say that angrily, but with complete truth. That is what the illness does to them and they don't even know it so it really doesn't matter what we do or say. It was after many occasions that this same conversation came about that I finally told my ex A that since his lifestyle was so different than what my lifestyle was and that his needs focused around alcohol, that we needed to find our lives with more compatible partners. Him with another alcoholic and me with someone who will encourage, inspire and life me up, like I do him. :) I am definitely worth more than having someone always trying to make me feel guilty when it is THEIR problem, yet choose to continue to throw something back in my face to offset what they do not want to accept-- their consequences.
End of Story!!!
Hello Tammy, why didn't I leave ? well u could sit all day and drive yourself nuts thinking about it, or accept the fact tht u didn't and let it go. You don't say if your going to meetings f2f for yourself, i hope u really consider going u need support from people who understand where your at. Your husb said u knew before u married him that he drank, who didn't ? None of us understood the disease of alcoholism back then , like me u married a nice young man with dreams and plans for your future then alcoholism got in the road . He didn't plan on becomming an alcoholic it just happens , it is progressive and it always gets worse.
I didn't want to leave my marriage and thanks to this program i found out I could get happy and get m y life back on track while he did what he had to do. I couldn't have done it with out the support of m y f2f al anon friends and lots of meetings . This is program of attraction and often when we get happier the spouse will follow suit , sometimes they don't but either way it's a win win situation for you, u will be returned to sanity and with or with out him u will be okay.
We cannot change other people (u may have noticed that) but we can change out attitude about what is going on around us. Keep the focus on yourself , step aside and allow him the dignity to figure this out himself while u recover from the effects of someone elses drinking.
It's ok to love an alcoholic tammy. good luck Lousie
I never realized I married an addict (have been divorced over 5 years now) until last month when the bomb w/ my step-dad fell.
I found the program 20 years ago & slowly over the years forgot I needed help & eventually forgot about myself altogether. (no wonder I was so hopelessly depressed, I wasn't even loving me) no instead, I abandonned myself to sacrifice myself for ppl that (ultimately) only care about their immediate gratifications.
I am realising as lovers of A's we too reach our own bottoms.
My ex husband blamed me for everything!!! From the way his day went, to what was in the news to every thing else under the sun! He even encouraged me over & over, to kill myself.
If we don't love ourselves first - we just attract another A - I'll be in the program for the rest of my life, coming to the boards daily is a God-send - I promise, no more addicts or alcoholics for me! If that means I spend the rest of my life alone, I will never again take the blame for someone else's attitudes or behaviour!
I felt crazy too, when I listened to their ridiculous ideas!
You know what your truth is, hang in there (lately I'm doing ok, moment to moment). Think about what you need.
Dear Tammy,
((((HUGS FOR YOU )))). I can relate sooo much - I am in the same position you are. Alsmost, I am a recovering A but do not preach the program to hubby. He won't admit it but he knows deep inside that his drinking is a hugh problem. He lost his licence for DUI in Oct 04 and got caught angain the following month. Talk about INSANITY.
I TOTALLY agree with Abbyal. She is soooo right . Try the 5 C's
1 - Get out of his way
2 - Get off his back
3 - Give him to God
4 - Get into yourself
5 - Go to a meeting
It is working for me and I haven't been here that long. But I do see a hugh differance in me already following the 5 G's. I even feel a little serenity & peace because I know that I can not change him & have ACCEPTED that fact.
God Bless & stay strong.
Yours in Recovery
Kathy570
Hi Tammy
I was CRAZY when I started alanon last july
living with an active alcoholic is too much for most people to handle.
Their disease makes us sick.
Why were you not aware for so long?
I don't know.
With me it was denial. I didn't even know i was lying to myself about how crazy my life was.
it took me ALOT of alanon work to move forward.
the alcoholic and his problems consumed my thoughts. I begged him to stop, kicked him, yelled, threatened. Nothing helped.
Then I found alanon and they told me to take my focus off my A and work on myself.
well one year later i am happier and healthier and have new alanon friends and a full life.
And he is still drinking and in denial of the effects of his drinking.
but I am ALOT less crazy than I used to be
keep coming back Tammy
It will get better
megan