Detatchment .....A hard thing to do ....I am working on detatching myself from my "A" family member. I have gone to meetings f2f and I am still struggling with this concept.
For some reason I feel like I am ignoring the problem like it isn't going on and isn't that denial...it feels like it when I see my brother and I am not sure how to act detatched .....should I act like nothing is going on cause that feels like denial that there is something serious going on...or do I become distant and almost removed around him. It all is so uncomfortable. I am trying to focus on me and that feels good....It is hard not to worry but I know I have to turn it over to GOD and I am working on that day to day.
I suppose turning over my detatchment struggle to GOD should be the plan and I will do that...I am realizing that I have contro lissues as well...something to work on in me ....thanks for being out there I do go to f2f meatings but I love that you all are out there on the web with posts and chats which I really need constant support.
My love and prayers to all and there family's
wmed
debilyn said
Aug 8, 2005
hi, for me it is their disease not mine. It is none of my business. I don't want anyone
thinking they are responsibility over my disease. I am an adult, I can figure
it out for myself or not.
i feel this way about my A. It is his problem. I don't want to hear about it at all, i don't want to
control it, cannot anyway, I don't want to cure it, I can't anyway, I surely did not give it to him
I did not cause it.
I mean how awful i t would be if I walked into a room and everyone just saw me
a the Alcoholic of the family. Our A's are not their disease. As obnoxious as it might
make them, it is not them.
Loving my A all my life, I work very hard on my program. MY progam not his. I want
to be non judgemental, I want to see him not the disease> I don't feel I am ignoring it
or in denial, I choose to focus on what he is up to, how is his work, what has he been
doing lately, what does he think about wood heat or gas?
It just is not of interest to me anymore at all. In fact if he mentions it, I will tell him
oh good you had or have some sober time, great. Then change the subject. Or what a
drag if he gets fired or dui or ?
HE interests me not his disease. And yes focus on you. What do you want people
to notice about you?
Hope this makes sense and helps some. love,debilyn
QnJoan said
Aug 8, 2005
Hi wmed,
I really struggled with detaching from the alcoholic too. When i spoke with my sponsor, she suggested that when he was acting out, that I imagine a sign that says "sick" on his forehead. At those times, he was the husband I loved but he was sick. I knew I didn't make him sick and that I couldn't make him better. But I could feel compassion for him and love him even though he was sick. She also reminded me that it was not my place to be his caretaker. I could feel compassion but not act on it...I can't cure it.
Seeing the "sick" sign makes it easier for me not to react back to him too. I know he's sick. Yelling at him or hating him isn't going to make him better. It justs makes me more miserable.
Hope that helps a little.
Love and peace in the program,
Joan
wallsal55 said
Aug 8, 2005
Denial is pretending the problem does not exist or we are simply not aware that there is an alcoholic problem, and problems, symptoms, that spinoff from the disease. Detachment is protecting ourselves from the effects of the disease. Yes, ignoring certain behaviors, at times, to keep our sanity, serenity, and survival. But at other times, we may not be able to ignore certain behaviors, aspects because we need to set a boundary for our mental or physical safety! This is tough to discern. But practicing detachment for about 3 weeks, I saw a huge difference in how I felt... Yeah, a lot of my first detaching was 'ignoring' if I remember. But in practicing detachment, my A noticed changes in me, and then he had to change because he decided I was important to him and he was losing me. With sobriety, I had to come around again, couldn't ignore him anymore.
As I detached, my awareness increased, and my denial lifted little by little, and I got healthier. Hope this Helps!
-- Edited by wallsal55 at 18:03, 2005-08-08
wmed said
Aug 8, 2005
Thanks Deb ...it does make sense thanks for the feed back..I am a work in progress.
wmed said
Aug 8, 2005
Thanks Joan....I like the suggestion of the sick sign.....It is so true...I appriciate the support.
Love and prayers
recovering wmed
wmed said
Aug 8, 2005
Thanks for all the feed back....
(((AL-ANON)))
your friend in recovery,
wmed
abbyal said
Aug 8, 2005
Detachment takes time,healthy detachment .to me detachment is simply acceptance. I have to accept that I cannot change anyone but me and my attitude , as to the family member that has a problem pick your times with them, when and if it becomes impossible to stay in thier company , I leave. I have a friend who says it is absolutley impossible to detach and control at the same time. hehe It is not ignoring the problem it is accepting that I can't do anything about it. it's simply not mine to fix.
When I came here I had detached in anger and resentment and was indifferent to what the A was doing. that is not healthy for anyone and it didn't work. I just got sicker. indiference is a cold place to live and I never want to go there again. I was told that even an alcoholic deserved respect,(new concept to me at the time) every one has the right to choose how they want to live thier life. I chose to get well and recover from the effects someone elses disease had on my life. i hope u do too. good luck Louise
lildee said
Aug 8, 2005
Ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from, a person or problem in love. We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy (and frequently painful) entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve, according to a handout, entitled "Detachment," that has been passed around Al-Anon groups for years.
Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing. If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem. And we try to live happily-focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.
Detachment also involves accepting reality-the facts. It requires faith-in ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world.
Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves.
For me when I need immediate detachment , such as in the case when the "A" is mouthing off I turn to a mental image. I imagine the "A" with a big Band - Aid across his forehead. It is a reminder that he is sick and that I can't reason with a sick person. If things continue I just say "You may be right." and leave the room to prevent any further escalation of the situation. Detachment can be done with love or with anger. Naturally the prior is better but there have been times when storming out of a room is my only option . Remembering my sanity is of the upmost priority. Selfish? Nope. I am not going to be dragging into the realm of chaos.
Hi wmed,
I really struggled with detaching from the alcoholic too. When i spoke with my sponsor, she suggested that when he was acting out, that I imagine a sign that says "sick" on his forehead. At those times, he was the husband I loved but he was sick. I knew I didn't make him sick and that I couldn't make him better. But I could feel compassion for him and love him even though he was sick. She also reminded me that it was not my place to be his caretaker. I could feel compassion but not act on it...I can't cure it.
Seeing the "sick" sign makes it easier for me not to react back to him too. I know he's sick. Yelling at him or hating him isn't going to make him better. It justs makes me more miserable.
Hope that helps a little.
Love and peace in the program,
Joan
Denial is pretending the problem does not exist or we are simply not aware that there is an alcoholic problem, and problems, symptoms, that spinoff from the disease. Detachment is protecting ourselves from the effects of the disease. Yes, ignoring certain behaviors, at times, to keep our sanity, serenity, and survival. But at other times, we may not be able to ignore certain behaviors, aspects because we need to set a boundary for our mental or physical safety! This is tough to discern. But practicing detachment for about 3 weeks, I saw a huge difference in how I felt... Yeah, a lot of my first detaching was 'ignoring' if I remember. But in practicing detachment, my A noticed changes in me, and then he had to change because he decided I was important to him and he was losing me. With sobriety, I had to come around again, couldn't ignore him anymore.
As I detached, my awareness increased, and my denial lifted little by little, and I got healthier. Hope this Helps!
-- Edited by wallsal55 at 18:03, 2005-08-08
Detachment takes time,healthy detachment .to me detachment is simply acceptance. I have to accept that I cannot change anyone but me and my attitude , as to the family member that has a problem pick your times with them, when and if it becomes impossible to stay in thier company , I leave. I have a friend who says it is absolutley impossible to detach and control at the same time. hehe It is not ignoring the problem it is accepting that I can't do anything about it. it's simply not mine to fix.
When I came here I had detached in anger and resentment and was indifferent to what the A was doing. that is not healthy for anyone and it didn't work. I just got sicker. indiference is a cold place to live and I never want to go there again. I was told that even an alcoholic deserved respect,(new concept to me at the time) every one has the right to choose how they want to live thier life. I chose to get well and recover from the effects someone elses disease had on my life. i hope u do too. good luck Louise
Ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from, a person or problem in love. We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy (and frequently painful) entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve, according to a handout, entitled "Detachment," that has been passed around Al-Anon groups for years.
Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing. If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem. And we try to live happily-focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.
Detachment also involves accepting reality-the facts. It requires faith-in ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world.
Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves.
For me when I need immediate detachment , such as in the case when the "A" is mouthing off I turn to a mental image. I imagine the "A" with a big Band - Aid across his forehead. It is a reminder that he is sick and that I can't reason with a sick person. If things continue I just say "You may be right." and leave the room to prevent any further escalation of the situation. Detachment can be done with love or with anger. Naturally the prior is better but there have been times when storming out of a room is my only option . Remembering my sanity is of the upmost priority. Selfish? Nope. I am not going to be dragging into the realm of chaos.
Just my humble thoughts...
Love & God Bless
lildee