My A is fully supporting my interest in Alanon.  He has even looked through my Alanon - Steps to Recovery, book.  And he will be watching my son when I go to meetings.  I still just dont understand how he can know that I am doing all this and he's not even trying to get better.  He is constantly telling me that he's got a problem and he's constantly batteling it.  But then as soon as he gets home he almost sprints to the fridge to get a beer.  And he stays up until 3am drinking himself into oblivion.  So can someone explain to me how this is batteling.  It's like he finds out I am going to Alanon and all the sudden he thinks "Cool, so she'll be off my back"  and just gives up and trying to get better.  I just dont understand the concept of someone admitting that they have a problem and that it's ruining their life and the lives around them, but they dont even try to stop.  He hasnt even tried not to drink for one day.  Is he just blowing smoke up my ass by telling me he has a problem and he's "batteling" it.  Because it sure doesnt seem like he's fighting at anything.  Advice needed.  Maybe someone can explain this to me.

-- Edited by kimmie at 08:08, 2005-08-08

Kimmie,

It sounds like we are in about the same place.  My A knows I am going to al-anon, but isn't doing anything herself.  Here is the al-anon teaching I am holding onto, her life and her happiness and for that matter her health are not my responsibility.  The other important thing is that my happiness is not dependant on her or her's.

You can't control your a but you can appreciate his support and GO to meetings!  You know the path will clear its way if you keep marching on.

 

Regarding your A, I think it is good he admits it is a problem.  Mine won't even do that.  Give him time, his path has got to feel right and be right for him for change to occour.  Funny how I am not trying to make her do anything but because of my changes she is changing.

I wish you well,

Stephanie

 

Stephanie,

It is hard isn't it when we watch those we love self destruct?

My "A" found his program before I found mine. And sadly he left his program (many times) most recently after 18 months of sobriety. He watches our children when I go off to meetings, and sees how the program is working in my life, and he knows how his program can work when he Chooses to work it.

He is his own man and makes his own decisions, as I am sure you know by now, we can not "will" our "A"s  to stop. I pray for him, for his health, his safety, and that soon he will choose to return to his program.

I choose to stay with him, and to love him despite the fact that daily I watch him sink deeper and deeper into his addictions. I continue to work on me and see how my program affects him. Even though I want him sober, we can be happy even with his drinking/using. He can not take my serentiy unless I give it to him. And sometimes when we are getting into bed he mentions how he may have tried to "bait" me and I just let it go.---- This is all due to the tools I have picked up in alanon.

In my home group there is a woman who has over 20 years in alanon. She spent quite sometime in alanon before her "A" found sobriety. When he was became sober and worked his program, he told her that she helped him find sobriety by not reacting to him like she did in the past. He noticed the change in her. He wanted to find serenity like she had. So he found his own. I tell you this, to maybe give you hope.

Keep coming back! It works when you work it! And you're worth it!

Dear Kimmie

Just keep working your own program.  You have already seen for yourself how it makes you feel and things get better for you.....  No one can take that away from you unless you let them.

I am a recovering A of almost 4 years.  I drank for 33 years and NO ONE could tell me I had a problem.  Each A needs to find their own way & their own program.

What first comes to mind is the 5 G's.

1 - Get out of his way.

2 - Get off his back

2 - Give him to God

4 - Get into yourself

5 - Go to a meeting

Hope this helps.  God Bless

Yours in REcovery

Kathy570

 

You've gotten a lot of good replies, so I'll just talk about the "how can he continue to do this when he admits he has a problem" part. How many people do you know who are overweight, who know that it is shortening their lives, yet who continue to overeat and not excercise? How about smokers? Knowing that you have a problem, and gathering up the courage and determination to do something about it, are two different things. A's have been using drinking to get through their lives for many years, they are scared to put it down, even when they know it is killing them. They just don't believe that they can live without it.