Last night my husband went out after a funeral and got drunk. Then drove home !! He called said he would be home in one hour .. Well like a CRAZY person, I called his cell phone.. Probably 50x.. Heartbroken, I couldnt get it together. This was after a week of no alcohol. I had left him and returned last week to promises of counseling.. To this .... This crazy merry go round the the alcoholics ride.. When he returned, I was crying and he didnt understand why.. He didnt get angry, instead he cried, no he sobbed.. I left him alone, i didnt have the strength to help him. I was so sad, and dissapointed.. I slept on the couch last night, and when he got up for work I laid there prentending to still be asleep. He has been at work all day today and wont be home until Sunday am. The house is peaceful, and quiet. But I can not seem to get out of the dumps.. I can feel my insides crying but nothing is coming out. He hasnt called today, he usually calls 4-5 times a day while at work. I am not sure if he thinks he punishing me, or if he is imbarrassed. I am sure he has a heck of a hang over. This is such a merry go round.. I dont know if i should breakdown and call him knowing he is hurting or not ??? Should I insist he get out and get help, for the sake of me and the kids ??? Should I not say a word and just continue to work on me.. I have tried to detach .. My head is already gone, I just wish my heart would catch up. !! Do your A's know that you are involved with Al-anon ? What about this message board ? Does Al-anon suggest you tell the alcoholic or not ? Thanks for listening..!! Tammy

Tammy,

It is so difficult.  I know all about it.

Yes, you should take care of you.  He will seek treatment if and when he's ready.

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling him you're going to alanon.

My husband's drinking spiraled out of control in a very short period of time.  He is not functioning anymore.  Life has gotten very difficult, very quickly. 

I just finished reading Getting them Sober---I didn't relate to alot of it.  My husband is not abusive, controlling in any way. He doesn't threaten me about leaving me for other women. He just admits that he's a drunk and he can't stop drinking.  He doesn't blame me for anything and he never has.  He doesn't blame anyone for anything.  It's weird, he accepts full responsibility for his actions, he seems to abhor himself and yet the behavior continues.  I guess that's what an addict does.

He has no access to our funds--he's no longer linked to my checking acct.  He is ignoring his financial obligations, his credit is destroyed.  All since March.

I'll say it again, take care of you and your children--if you have any.  I am trying to take my own advice. 

mom to 2

Hello Tammy,

My heart goes out to you. (((((((Tammy))))) I can relate to those helpless nights of not knowing where your A is and hoping and praying they are okay. My 21 year old daughter knows I come to alanon on the computer but has never seen this board etc. That is different than a spouse though. My daughter likes that i am working on me and she sees a difference in how I respect her boundaries more too and how I have changed for the better. When I am hurting as much as you, although I cannot compare my hurting to yours, I come here to post or to chat. I really need support at that time. Detatching to me is not ignoring the person. In alanon we learn to detatch with love. To still love the person and show it but to not get involved in the situation they are in,,such as an anger fit or when drunk. That is the best I can explain it for now. I try to connect with my HP/higher power who for me is God and try to be quiet and listen to know what I need to do as far as calling or not. Maybe that may help you too. It is worth a try. I don't always feel any answers but I do feel more capable of making a rational decision. Keep on posting and coming here for support. your friend in recovery, cdb

Dear Tammy,

Your first line speaks VOLUMNS.  He just came back from a funeral!!!  I am not making excuses for him.  Just keep that in mind, that he was & is probably greiving.  Being a recovering A, drinking is how I dealt with my sadness & grief.

Give him space, then talk to him about the funeral - his grief etc.  Start there.

Just the opinion of a recovering A

God Bless You

Yours in Recovery

Kathy570

 

 

Tammy,

There are so many secrets, lies and deceit involved with alcoholism, that I have always felt that to add more only hurts matters. My husband does not like that I am in Alanon, but he has always known. I have never kept it a secret. My books and literature are in clear sight.

Any time he has complained, I have told him, he should be happy I do have a program, because it is the only thing that keeps me sane, and at times from wanting to kill him. I usually shuts him right up.

Only you can decide what works best with your husband. In reality it is not about him, or any of his business, so how much you want to tell him is up to you.

                                      Love Jeannie

Hi Tammy...the others have covered, rightly so, your concern about your husband. I will come at your post from the other direction. I know I should probably let my husband know I frequent this board, but I have not done so. He feels that since he is sober and well, I should have no problems with what came before, and I should "know" he'll never drink again..."Yeah, you right," as my friends in south Louisiana say. I do not attend f2f meetings here in San Antonio, so I hold this secret site very dear and close. A could go into the history on my computer and find out for himself, but he does not invade my privacy. As for you, do what you feel comfortable with. Your A may think it's helpful for you; he may think it is a crock!! Wish I could advise you whether or not to tell him. Can't. ((((((((((((((Tammy)))))))))))))) All best of caring wishes, Diva

Hi Tammy, My fiancee now knows (as of about 3 wks ago) that I come here. I wasn't sure how he would deal with it but he is very supportive. I made certain to tell him that this was something I do for me, not to try to change him. He actually encouraged me to attend f2f meetings as well when I told him that my dear friend Fiona and others had encouraged me to do so but I don't feel comfortable with that. Just the person I am. So for me, it was a good thing to share what I was doing with my fiancee. This won't work for everyone but it did for me. Only you can even guess how your husband will react to the news. But if you decide to tell him, my suggestion is to do it with love....don't tell him in a fit of anger. I told my fiancee while we were talking and started out by saying, "have you noticed that I deal with you a little differently in the past few months?" He sort of laughed and said yes. I then told him that I've been coming here for quite a while and have learned a lot. That the people here have given me tools that I never even knew I needed. For us, it was a very loving moment, a total sharing. We never keep anything from one another so I'd felt very guilty about hiding this from him but he understood. I also felt like a weight had lifted from my shoulders. BTW, that was the first time since we've known each other that he actually said the words. He told me, "I know I'm an alcoholic"!!! Before that night, he would admit to a "drinking problem" but he only used the word alcoholic when talking about others or telling me that others had called him that. I thanked him for finally admitting it out loud. It was hard for me to admit that I was in love with an alcoholic, I can only imagine how difficult it was for him to say it out loud to the woman he loves. He's a very strong man and admitting to a flaw in himself does not come easily. I think that he said it because we'd opened yet another avenue of trust and honesty between us. Good luck to you Tammy, if you decide to tell your husband. ~arwyn