Would love some input on sponsorship -- some of your experiences -- if you have them to share. My experiences are based on my relationship with my sponsor. She really believed in program, as do I. I came to Al Anon because I knew something had to give -- mainly ME. So I was truly ready to work this program -- attend meetings, give serious consideration to my sponsor's advice, work the steps and do the work involved, make the commitment.
Knowing everyone has different needs, etc., I do recognize that what worked for me, may not work for others. If I am practicing this program true to what I believe it is -- listening without judgement and unconditional love, how does that translate to a relationship of sponsor/ sponsee?
Some questions for those of you who've had experience.
Do you have guidelines for your sponsee? I.e. attend meetings regularly, call your sponsor regularly, work the steps, etc.
Do you have a tenative guideline for the steps? i.e. working some questions each week, a question each week, etc. taking into consideration how busy all of our lives are?
Initially, new sponsees need to do a lot of sharing and sponsors need to do a lot of listening; however at what point do you sit down and explain if/what expectations you have of this relationship?
Do you expect that your sponsee attend face to face meetings? They truly are different from MIP chat (in my humble opinion).
What type of commitment is expected?
Again, considering the fact that we all are here because our lives have been affected by someone else's drinking . . . . how do you handle a situation when values are not in sync?
Any other information you can share is appreciated.
Maria123
cdb said
Aug 6, 2005
Hello Maria,
This is a very interesting post. I will be watching for feedback. I decided to keep my sponsor and my step work private due to the different opinons said to me when I did share. I have had someone say before that it takes one year to do step one, one year to do step two etc. I have had someone tell me their sponsor wouldn't let them go past step one until they said they could. I have had a person give thoughts on online sponsors vs f2f ones. It seemed that people had so many different styles that for me it was best for me to develop boundaries for myself in regards to sharing. I have been in alanon over a year and would not feel comfortable being a sponsor at this time. I am not sure if it is best for a person to complete the steps first or not. There was someone too that would sponsor someone that had not finished step 4 or 5 yet. So, I am not sure where the answers lie. I think it is admirable of you to check though with others. One sponsee told me her sponser did role playing. I thought that was a great idea. Oh, and then someone else told me their sponsor was using a book that was not alanon material and would mail them the pages from this Adult Child Abuse Survivor book. Just thought I would share what I found when I asked others about their sponsors :) As you can see, for me it was best to ask and keep their anonymity. It was then after checking that I found my sponsor. I explained to the person why I felt they would be the right person for me and I had several reasons. Those are personal to me too. We did agree on some terms for working the steps etc. but had no time lines at all. This person shared with me how they worked their program with their sponsor and how they worked with other sponsees that they had. My sponsor did give me an additional source to read that their sponsor gave them that is not alanon material either. I do use the Paths to Recovery book. I share with my sponsor about my life and they share about their life when we are not doing step work. I am very pleased with my sponsor who puts no pressure on me at all. In fact, my sponsor usually has to have me slow down. Hope this helped you some. cdb :)
mastiff said
Aug 6, 2005
hi My (((Maria))) If i could, i'd like to recommend a book. It's not alanon lit, but is called "A Sponsorship Guide For 12-Step Programs" author is M.T. It a pretty good book and really helped me a lot to find out what others do in sponsoring. My own personal opinion is that I can only give away what i got, the way i got it, because i haven't tried any other way, I dont know what else will work. If someone asks me to sponsor them, i go talk to my sponsor about it first. I ask them what they are looking for in a sponsor, And then i tell them what i try to do as a sponsor and ask them if that's the kind of sponsor they think they would like.
I dont personally put a time limit or a time minimum on working the steps... Some people come in on fire ready to do all the steps at one sitting, others want to slowly walk through them. Who am i to tell a person what they can and cant do in their own recovery. All i can do is offer my own experience, tell them i know that worked for me, and let them be the boss of their own recovery. I was told to do 3 questions or less a day out of Paths to Recovery so that my mind would have time to sit and think on each one, but i would still be in a forward motion as i was one that wanted to do all the steps in 1 sitting so that is what i recommend to a sponsee.
The only way i know how to stay working my program is by working the steps, calling my sponsor, and go to meetings, so that is what i recommend that sponsees do too. If they choose not to, that's up to them. I only have so much time to give, and i want to make sure that i am giving my time to someone that will be helped by it. And i'm not going to babysit anyone. If i'm giving my time to the wrong person, i am taking away that chance from someone else that i might really be able to help. On top of that, there might be someone else out there a lot more suited for that sponsee that I wasn't able to help.
I do agree that when your new you just need an ear to hear you for a while. But in my humble opinion, a sponsor is not just an ear, and alanon is not just about talking, it's about action. A sponsor is someone that holds your hand when you first come in, listens to your story, then shows you a better way to live through alanon. A sponsor helps you work the steps, and a sponsor helps you when you slip
Hope that helped a little, and check out that book!
love you truckloads and truckloads
-- Edited by mastiff at 15:56, 2005-08-06
afglin said
Aug 6, 2005
Interesting question Maria!
There is a phrase..THERE ARE NO MUSTS IN ALANON... with that said, we all work our program and our sponsee relationship differently.
For myself, I am a great listener. I do alot of listening at the beginning. When they ask for an assignment I give them one...such as write a gratitude list...write down what you will and wont accept when it comes to boundaries.etc. I made no pressure for workign steps. When they wre ready to work another step, we do it. I do highly recommend attending f2f meetings and reading the daily meditation books..at least one a day. I also suggest using the paths to rexcovery and the blueprint for progress for step 4.
I'[ve done online meetings and also been an online sponsor. In my opinion, that's not the same as f2f and shoudld only be used in special circumstances: such as thoaperson is in a wheelchair and it is very difficult to get to f2f meetings...the person lives 60 miles one way from the closest meeting, etc. I personally think online message baords as well as online meetings should be used as a supplement to working a f2f program with a sponsor f2f.
I dont require that they call me every day, but I do welcomd it if they want to.
I do suggest they get involved in service as soon as possible and attend any chances for retreats and workshops, conventions ,etc.
I also striongly believe a person should never attempt to be a sponsor until they ahve been in the program at LEAST a year AND ahve worked all 12 steps at least once.
just my opinions....since you asked.
LINDA
Maria123 said
Aug 7, 2005
CDB, Mastiff and Linda,
Thank you so much for taking the time to post. I really appreciate it. I know I threw a lot of questions out there and I think you all confirmed what I've been doing or considering doing. You all helped me realize, I am on the right path. Thank you again for your time.
Maria
P.S. Mastiff I will check out that book, sounds like an excellent tool
Hi everyone,
Would love some input on sponsorship -- some of your experiences -- if you have them to share. My experiences are based on my relationship with my sponsor. She really believed in program, as do I. I came to Al Anon because I knew something had to give -- mainly ME. So I was truly ready to work this program -- attend meetings, give serious consideration to my sponsor's advice, work the steps and do the work involved, make the commitment.
Knowing everyone has different needs, etc., I do recognize that what worked for me, may not work for others. If I am practicing this program true to what I believe it is -- listening without judgement and unconditional love, how does that translate to a relationship of sponsor/ sponsee?
Some questions for those of you who've had experience.
Do you have guidelines for your sponsee? I.e. attend meetings regularly, call your sponsor regularly, work the steps, etc.
Do you have a tenative guideline for the steps? i.e. working some questions each week, a question each week, etc. taking into consideration how busy all of our lives are?
Initially, new sponsees need to do a lot of sharing and sponsors need to do a lot of listening; however at what point do you sit down and explain if/what expectations you have of this relationship?
Do you expect that your sponsee attend face to face meetings? They truly are different from MIP chat (in my humble opinion).
What type of commitment is expected?
Again, considering the fact that we all are here because our lives have been affected by someone else's drinking . . . . how do you handle a situation when values are not in sync?
Any other information you can share is appreciated.
Maria123
Hello Maria,
This is a very interesting post. I will be watching for feedback. I decided to keep my sponsor and my step work private due to the different opinons said to me when I did share. I have had someone say before that it takes one year to do step one, one year to do step two etc. I have had someone tell me their sponsor wouldn't let them go past step one until they said they could. I have had a person give thoughts on online sponsors vs f2f ones. It seemed that people had so many different styles that for me it was best for me to develop boundaries for myself in regards to sharing. I have been in alanon over a year and would not feel comfortable being a sponsor at this time. I am not sure if it is best for a person to complete the steps first or not. There was someone too that would sponsor someone that had not finished step 4 or 5 yet. So, I am not sure where the answers lie. I think it is admirable of you to check though with others. One sponsee told me her sponser did role playing. I thought that was a great idea. Oh, and then someone else told me their sponsor was using a book that was not alanon material and would mail them the pages from this Adult Child Abuse Survivor book. Just thought I would share what I found when I asked others about their sponsors :) As you can see, for me it was best to ask and keep their anonymity. It was then after checking that I found my sponsor. I explained to the person why I felt they would be the right person for me and I had several reasons. Those are personal to me too. We did agree on some terms for working the steps etc. but had no time lines at all. This person shared with me how they worked their program with their sponsor and how they worked with other sponsees that they had. My sponsor did give me an additional source to read that their sponsor gave them that is not alanon material either. I do use the Paths to Recovery book. I share with my sponsor about my life and they share about their life when we are not doing step work. I am very pleased with my sponsor who puts no pressure on me at all. In fact, my sponsor usually has to have me slow down. Hope this helped you some. cdb :)
hi My (((Maria))) If i could, i'd like to recommend a book. It's not alanon lit, but is called "A Sponsorship Guide For 12-Step Programs" author is M.T. It a pretty good book and really helped me a lot to find out what others do in sponsoring. My own personal opinion is that I can only give away what i got, the way i got it, because i haven't tried any other way, I dont know what else will work. If someone asks me to sponsor them, i go talk to my sponsor about it first. I ask them what they are looking for in a sponsor, And then i tell them what i try to do as a sponsor and ask them if that's the kind of sponsor they think they would like.
I dont personally put a time limit or a time minimum on working the steps... Some people come in on fire ready to do all the steps at one sitting, others want to slowly walk through them. Who am i to tell a person what they can and cant do in their own recovery. All i can do is offer my own experience, tell them i know that worked for me, and let them be the boss of their own recovery. I was told to do 3 questions or less a day out of Paths to Recovery so that my mind would have time to sit and think on each one, but i would still be in a forward motion as i was one that wanted to do all the steps in 1 sitting so that is what i recommend to a sponsee.
The only way i know how to stay working my program is by working the steps, calling my sponsor, and go to meetings, so that is what i recommend that sponsees do too. If they choose not to, that's up to them. I only have so much time to give, and i want to make sure that i am giving my time to someone that will be helped by it. And i'm not going to babysit anyone. If i'm giving my time to the wrong person, i am taking away that chance from someone else that i might really be able to help. On top of that, there might be someone else out there a lot more suited for that sponsee that I wasn't able to help.
I do agree that when your new you just need an ear to hear you for a while. But in my humble opinion, a sponsor is not just an ear, and alanon is not just about talking, it's about action. A sponsor is someone that holds your hand when you first come in, listens to your story, then shows you a better way to live through alanon. A sponsor helps you work the steps, and a sponsor helps you when you slip
Hope that helped a little, and check out that book!
love you truckloads and truckloads
-- Edited by mastiff at 15:56, 2005-08-06
Interesting question Maria!
There is a phrase..THERE ARE NO MUSTS IN ALANON... with that said, we all work our program and our sponsee relationship differently.
For myself, I am a great listener. I do alot of listening at the beginning. When they ask for an assignment I give them one...such as write a gratitude list...write down what you will and wont accept when it comes to boundaries.etc. I made no pressure for workign steps. When they wre ready to work another step, we do it. I do highly recommend attending f2f meetings and reading the daily meditation books..at least one a day. I also suggest using the paths to rexcovery and the blueprint for progress for step 4.
I'[ve done online meetings and also been an online sponsor. In my opinion, that's not the same as f2f and shoudld only be used in special circumstances: such as thoaperson is in a wheelchair and it is very difficult to get to f2f meetings...the person lives 60 miles one way from the closest meeting, etc. I personally think online message baords as well as online meetings should be used as a supplement to working a f2f program with a sponsor f2f.
I dont require that they call me every day, but I do welcomd it if they want to.
I do suggest they get involved in service as soon as possible and attend any chances for retreats and workshops, conventions ,etc.
I also striongly believe a person should never attempt to be a sponsor until they ahve been in the program at LEAST a year AND ahve worked all 12 steps at least once.
just my opinions....since you asked.
LINDA
CDB, Mastiff and Linda,
Thank you so much for taking the time to post. I really appreciate it. I know I threw a lot of questions out there and I think you all confirmed what I've been doing or considering doing. You all helped me realize, I am on the right path. Thank you again for your time.
Maria
P.S. Mastiff I will check out that book, sounds like an excellent tool