Before I start please get your coffee, tea, soda or cigs this is going to be a long one. I have never told my story all in one peice and I might forget alot but I will try and tell it all. I am doing this for healing. I need to see how things were and how they became what they are. I might find some sense in it or others might find some sense in my story. Here Goes......................... My mother married a gold digger. He was already married when he met her but didn't tell her. When they were married my mother in law had him checked out (mothers family had money) He had just gotten an anulment and married my mother. He moved my mother from Maine to Montana. Where my sister and I were born. My father hates children because he is a child himself. My mother was a nurse and supported us through all the years of my life. My father did everything possible to keep my grandmother out of our life. So that is my parents. Heres the hard part for me. I had a rough childhood. One day when I was 15 I was walkin home from school and I saw one of those signs in window that was a therapist. I walked in to ask how much sessions were. At that age I thought I was going insane. I had an eating disorder I weighed 104 pounds at 5'6. I was taken to the hospital many times with low blood sugar. My mother always tried to make me eat before he went to work but I would just throw it up or just throw it away after she left. The therapist was at her secertarys desk. She just looked at me and introduced herself as Megan. Then she walked me back to this huge, comfortable office and we talked for two hours. At no charge. I stopped there everyday from that day forward after school. She never charged me. At one point she told me someday she would have to let people know about what we talk about. My father had abused me sexually and was still activly abusing me. I was so embarrassed because I was 15. One day I tried to kill myself, I don't remember but I was told I called Megan and she came and lifted me out of bed took me to the livingroom and called the ambulance. I woke up Megan was standing there. My parents walked in my father asked my why did I do this. All I could do was cry. Megan held my hand and said "Laurie I have to do this" She walked my parents to the hall, the only one to return was my mother. She walked up to me grabbed my hand and sqeezed it. She said "Laurie I am sorry" and turned and walked out. The next time I saw her was at trial. 1 yr later. I had been in a pych unit off and on until the court date. By this time Megan was trying to get me as her foster child but she couldn't because my case worker at CPS was her girlfriend and of course they were a gay couple. I ended up in foster care in an evil womans house to excape her I would go to work at a local diner. When I turned 18 I married the owners son. During this 2 yr period I wrote my mother once a week. Never had a response. My mother did show up to my wedding which floored me. She never talked to me just sat in a pew and handed her present over. To this day I don't know what she gave me in that wrapped present. All I remember was what she was dressed in. Which later yrs I will find out that is the dress she wore in her last portrait that hangs on my wall. (Wow I just realized that,, tears flowing now) My husband from the day we got married abused me. I can't even recall how many bones were broken and how many times I was locked in the house while he was at work. If anyone knows physical abuse then you can understand what I went through daily. I was beat all the time during my pregnacy. WHen my son was 10 dys old I tried to leave him while he was returning movies. He found me, dislocked my jaw, broke 2 ribs, and busted out a tooth. Locked me and my son in a room for 3 days. I finally got away but he chased me down and was driving like a madman. We got to his sisters he pused me out of the truck. He took off with my baby with a 12 gauge shotgun. The sherriffs departmant finally caught him and returned my son to me unharmed. My husband went to jail for a year. I was 18 when alll this happened. I started my life with my son. Got two jobs, went to college, had an apt, and forgave my parents. My mother was a fixure in my life with my father in the outskirts of it. (She chose to stay with him) I found out when I was 21 I had cancer. My mother being an RN she would bring me 4 ounces of fish premade with 12 ounces of fresh carrot juice everyday. No joke everyday. She said this killed two birds with one stone help with the cancer and also help with my eating disorder I was still fighting daily. I chose not to have a serious relationship for two years I had way too many other things to deal with. My son had problems. From the start he was always crying. By 9 months old he was pulling hair and throwing things screaming. He was in therapy yes at 9 months old was in therapy. Megan helped me with alot of his issues. When my son was 1 1/2 yrs old I went out with my best friend she had to drag me out. I was going through treatments for the cancer and was dealing with my x husband who was crazy and my sons disturbances. But I went out. I met Clint. My life changed from that day forward. He was in the army and came in and helped with everything. He took control of my x calling and threatening, he was loving with my son and even learned how to do the proper restraining when he went out of control. He took me to my surgeries and treatments. Took everything on as if taking the bull by the horns. The doctors said I would never have anymore kids. My A (Active even then) said its gods choice. We got pregnant. I was put on bedrest at 10 weeks for premature labor. This caused by two things, my son punching me in the stomach (he was 3) and I had, had my cervice 90% removed to slow the cancer growth down. I was in and out of the hospital taking medication every 2 hours to control contractions. My A would set the alarm everytime wake me up get me a glass of water and my pill and pet my hair while I took the pill. He would cudle up to me calling me his "Wooby" until I fell asleep again. He was always there. Made me breakfast after PT then go to roll call. At lunch he came home and set my lunch up. He was always there doing even learned how to cook. That was funny I have fond memories off all that. I was hospitalized many times with kidney stones also during the pregnacy it sucked. then my son was hospitalized the floor above me. My A really had to do double time then. Just say it was insane part of our life. We had her 6 weeks early to find out she was a twin. Long story in that I will skip that part. I was scheduled for a hysterectomy 4 months after she was born. The cancer was spreading. Ok now I COULD NOT get pregnant again. The doctor had me on the pill, diaphram, sponge and spermide. Took alot prep for sex. Well the prepping didn't help I GOT PREGNANT!!!!!! I received the call at my mothers that I was the doctor was so sad. He said "Laurie I hate to say this because I don't believe in it but you should have a medical abortion, If you chose too I have a doctor that will do it. You and your child have only 50% odds of living through another pregnacy." We were floored. I sat there and told my A, mother and father. My mother said "Its gods will. This baby is meant to be." My father got MAD!!!! Saying "So you want to take the chance of dying and leaving your husband and children behind?" He stormed out. My A and I were crying but not sad we knew we were going to have this baby. If god wants him he will take him. So here we go again. This time I went into labor at 7 weeks along on the operating table to get a rubber things put on my cervic to keep it closed. But no I had to start having contractions on the table. So now repeat all of the first pregnacy!!!!! My son during this time was put into a pych unit for 3 months. DIdn't help any but we tried he was 4. My x who was AWOL for 2 yrs finally showed up at my door step with the police demanding visitation. Whew not a good 9 months. We had the baby. He was healthy. But we didn't know he was deaf until he was 8 months old. Tubs in his ears fixed it but now we had years of physical therapy ahead of us including our son. I found out Megan was dying of cancer. She passed on before I could get to her. She kept it from me knowing everything I was going through. My mother thought she could help me by buying a big house to house all of us. We moved in with her, my son was put into MIP program at school he had some major issues. My 1 yr old was in voice therapy and learning sign language. Everything was going somewhat smoothly expect for my crazy x husband. I also had my hysterectomy at age 24 1 month after my son was born do to excessive bleeding. My A found out his father had cancer. We ended up moving from Washington state to be with his father in his last years. I had a hard time fitting in with the family. I was to northern for them. I don't know if it was my looks, (i look like a california dumb blond) or if it was the way I talked. I will never understand to this day. My mother became ill and couldn't work her blood pressure was to high. So she told us all she was moving to be with us. I think she was trying to make up for leaving me when I was a teenager. Within 2 months of living in TN my mothers blood pressure was better and she went back to work as an RN. We moved into a big house with an apt upstairs where my parent would live. She was there to help with all three of my kidney surgeries which in the end I don't feel the pain anylonger only when the stones get pee'ed out..LOL My A's father was really sick. My A worked I would go to his fathers house everyday I cooked, I froze dinners, I made his favorite foods. I rubbed lotions into his dry skin daily. We would all go down on the weekends to do the lawn, help clean the house for my step mother in law. I would sit with Bob rubbing him down and he would just talk to me about all the bad and good he did in his life. One day I got there he handed me a box. A little box. In this box was a refer magnet that said "there are still angels that walk this earth" He kissed me on the forehead. I fell apart. I always thought he hated me. But in the end I was the one he told all his secrets too. He died on morning. I remember driving my A to see him before they took him out of the house. It was a very quiet week for us all. A year later my mother died in her sleep. My A was at work on the second shift. He came home and was just sitting down to eat dinner I had set aside for him. (He was solber) He heard a banging on the ceiling. He ran upstairs to find my father trying to wake my mother up. My A and I are x EMT's. In was asleep and got out of bed to get the phone. I picked it up and my A was on there saying Laurie please talk to 911 and come upstairs. (Why did I get up to answer the phone it hadn't RANG!!!) I will never forget that night. My A tried to bring her back. He couldn't. The next month was a blur. I had to take care of my family, my father, my mothers issues, money, burial EVERYTHING. My dad wanted her buried in MN I had to plan all of that. Then after we buried her we took my father to Thankgiving in NC all in the same two weeks. All I remember was numbness. From that time forward I had to deal with a selfish father who gambled away over 1000,000. My childrens grief about the woman they saw everyday. Our dog had died which tore them up more. My oldest son with his insanity. My A's drinking as usual. My A's grief about his father. I thought I was losing my mind. My grandmother died 1 yr to date of my mothers death. On Thankgiving day. i was already going through the stresses of my A's drinking and his music (he is a musician with his own band). I had to go to MN tried to make it there to see her before she died, we drove straight through walked into the nursing home and she had passed 2 hours earlier. This is Thanksgiving day. First holiday away from my family in the mist of a family I never really knew. My father had balls enough to say he was going to the funeral. My sister and I said NO grandma hated him. My father knew my grandmother had money. Made comments that he felt cheated now that mom was dead My sister and I got my mothers share. It was insane... He was trying to tell us how to spend her money. The day of the funeral we got a copy of the will with the appr. of what is left and my sister and him got mad saying it was not enough. I just closed off to them all. I was happy with NOTHING but 60,000 each was not chicken change!!!!!!! Not to me at least. I would of rather had my mother alive and getting her money then me getting it. Me getting it just reminds me my mother is gone. So with the first part of the inheritance I bought my A a BAR!!! I know I was just wanting to make him happy. I was working the bar doing everything then one day he walks in and said he quit his job!!!! Everything went to heck from there on. He was at the bar from 12 noon to 5 am almost everyday regardless if we had employees there. He got into drugs I didn't realize it but our sunday bartender was a dealer. We lost our oldest son to my sister, he was removed for threating to kill his step-father. For our safety the courts wanted to put him into a residential home. My son found his fathers drugs and went haywire. My son saw what his father was doing to his mother. He lost control of himself. My sister asked the judge if our son could live with her instead. My inheritance slowly went away, we lost our oldest son, we lost the bar, we lost our home, and my A still didn't have a normal job. He was always under the influence of something. Everyone knows by now I asked him to leave three days ago. He knows I get the other half of my inheritance in the next few days. But I am smart now. I have an extra account my sister holds I will use. I will put a huge down on a house I will pay for marriage couseling at the local church here. I will do what I can to better myself and the kids with or without him. Its his choice. So now I sit here at this moment typing all this. I know its a novel but I needed to see some sort of placement on how my life has gone. Maybe by re-reading this and others reading it I might find something in its contents to help me. Maybe I can find where my strengths and weakness's are. So if you will please analize it with me. PS remember alot more has happened I just put the big things in. Laurie I have to add that after my mother died I was cleaning her things out of her drawers for my father. I found EVERY letter I ever sent her in there. I left them there because I was so upset. The next morning I went upstairs to clean out the remainder I found they were GONE!!! My father had thrown them out. To this day even if I don't have the letters I have the memory that she cared enough to keep them all those years.

-- Edited by LLPluv at 14:38, 2005-08-05

Wow!! many (((hugs))). I think that you are one of the strongest people I know!!! I'm not in a position to analyze anyone, but for anyone to come through what you have and not be totally nuts is an accomplishment in itself. I think you must be more solid then you suspect :) I also think it is VERY wise for you to make that money available to only you. Thank HP for allowing you to have the option to start over with $$. We can always start over, but $30,000 sure makes it easier then with nothing. I don't necessarily mean start over without your A. Luckily we can "start over" many times a day if needed :) I sure hope HP guides you in a direction that gives you peace. Christy

WOW you think I am strong I can't seem to pull that out of my life. Right now I am only 35 and 75% grey. I wonder what else can be thrown my way. I also think sometimes with everything my A had to deal with helped to maintain his drinking over the years just to get through another day. But thank you for your words that is the first time I had ever heard that from someone. It brought tears to my eyes. Laurie

((((LLPluv)))))

I think you're amazing too!!  With all the troubles you've had, and still you were helping others.  Your father-in-law was right, you were an "angel" to him. 

I just saw so much love in what you wrote about how your hubby cared for you and how you cared for others.  And then with all the deaths in the family (not to mention the other troubles), yes, I can see how your A could become overwhelmed by it all and not know how to deal with his feelings other than to escape into the bottle.  Sadly, that is what many of them do. 

So glad you are doing what is needed for yourself and your kids happiness.  Hopefully your A will hit his bottom soon and reach out for help also.  Sometimes when we start recovery for ourself it helps them to start too.  Sometimes not.  At least we are getting help, huh?  I know Al-Anon has changed my life so much for the better.  My A still drinks, but with the change in my own attitude, our life and relationship has improved and he doesn't drink as much as he used to.  I just keep plodding on, living One Day At A Time.  I've had some pretty bad days during this, but they pass and with my friends here in Al-Anon I'm able to get back on track.

So glad you are a part of our family!  Thank you for your share!

Luv, Kis

((((((((((((Laurie)))))))))))))  Sometimes just writing things down help us to heal.

Hugs Mary

Hello LLPluv,

Thank you for trusting us enough to share your life with us. I have found that by my being totally open and honest here that it has helped me to not only heal but to help others.  Kis said what I wanted to say too. Keep on posting and coming back. Your friend in recovery, cdb ((((LLPluv)))) 

There is only one thing I can say to this.......  God has plans for you.  :)   If you have time, I'd recommend that you read the book of Job.  He lost everything in his life, yet remained faithful to God and in turn, treasures and all that his heart desired was replenished hundredfold.   God works in amazing and mysterious ways and often when we are faced with trials and tribulation it is ultimately the peace of God that gets us through. 

May God continue to bless you with strength and guidance always.  Take Care!