Well, the decision was made tonight to allow my daughter who just got out of a 45 day inpatient rehabilitation center go live with her Dad, who is not in recovery and continues to avoid accepting the consequences of his actions. My daughter has been irrate, disrespectful, and many times outraged at me trying to control her life-- at 17 years old (she turned just a couple of weeks ago) With this decision, all of her support and resources will be MUCH more difficult to reach because her Dad says that she is okay and doesn't need this support system-- doesn't need the Neurologist for her seizure disorder, doesn't need to take her medication because it has always been ME that caused her seizures and medical/mental health condition.
The worse part about ALL of this other than losing her support system or encouragment from her Dad is that she will be giving up an education where she has teachers specifically for her program (because she has a learning disability) here in Wisconsin and will be going to a big city (Chicago) attending schools that have a very poor rating for assisting children, particularly with learning disabilities. She currently has an IEP of 4th-6th grade despite her being 17-years old.
Sooooo, I'm giving it ALL to God-- He knows I'm tired and have done all I can do. I guess it is time for her to accept the consequences of her actions, decisions, and choices and all I can do is hope that God protects her and guides her-- hopefully His will for her life is to survive and overcome all of this. However, I'm willing to accept the negative as well. After all, how can we accept the good and not the bad? It is ALL part of God's plan--- not necessarily the bad, but taking the bad circumstances and making good out of them. Unfortunately, though this isn't always the case as most of us know and I just have to keep telling myself this is His plan-- whatever it may be and trust that completely.
cdb, making this choice- I've thought of you so much..... I don't know how you continue to do it, as I have found that there is ONLY one thing that results from not letting go-- physical, emotional, mental and most importantly spiritual loss.
-- Edited by sanddie at 22:30, 2005-08-04
sooner said
Aug 4, 2005
sanddie,
My heart goes out to you as you grevie this temendous loss....hugs to you sanddie.
sooner
cdb said
Aug 5, 2005
(((((((((((((((((((((((Sanddie)))))))))))))))))) Oh my goodness. How hard this has to be for you. I am a teacher (disabled now) and use to work with LD kids. I guess it is time for your daughter to take care of herself the best she can. She obviously has an excellent foundation with you as her mom and with your strong religious beliefs. Now is the time for her to put them to use. My stomach is actually hurting to know that someone else has to endure such pain with their child. I will be thinking of you and saying prayers too. You have helped to comfort me so much in your posts. I am at a loss of how to help you or what to say. There may be that one teacher in Chicago that will take your daughter under her wing. I did give so much to the kids I worked with and I hope she will also have a very caring understanding teacher there. Is this court ordered for her to live with your ex or did she choose it? How you must be wanting to hold on to her. I just cannot really understand fully your pain since my husband is here for me to at least lean on and be with and not against me. Thanks for posting this and please keep us updated. cdb God Bless You.....
afglin said
Aug 5, 2005
I am also a teacher , so I understand about the IEP.
When it is a spouse or boyfriend we ahve to let go of, I think it is easier than it woudl be if it were my child. I guess that's why God never blessed us with children. The drinking was jsut so bad those years i was trying to get pregnant.
I agree with CBD...jsut put it in your mind that your daughter will get just what she needs in Chicago. there will be that one teacher she relly needs. Try not to dwell on the negative of what she gave up or may be facing. Instead remember that you did the best you could. It's time to let go and let her father do some of the parenting for a change.
{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you! Prayers go out to your daughter that her HP is with her to watch over her and give her strength.
LIN
kathy570 said
Aug 5, 2005
Dear Saddie
God Bless you & your family. I know it must have been a very tough decision but I think the right one. Something to remember is that having been with you all these years - you have planted the seed - now let God grow it. You sound like a loving parent and I am sure that over the years you have taught your daughter well even thought she doesn't show it. I pray to God that someday she will.
Just know that she is in God arms where you put her by letting go. Its not like you forced her or kicked her out - YOU let go with LOVE and that is the best you can do. Keep the faith that God will care for her, as hard as that may seem right now - Trust God. Thats all you can do now.
Continue to be good to yourself, stay strong in your program and remember, God loves you and so do we.
Yours in Recovery
Kathy570
LLPluv said
Aug 5, 2005
Saddie
I am new here but I also have a son who is 16 and has been in MIP since kindergarden. With multipule issues. We found out he was also drinking and taking drugs but his A of a father enabled that some. By using himself.
My son threatened to kill my A when he found his drugs and had seen my A pushing me around one night.
I had to let someone else take my son and try and help him even though it was through court order for our saftey in the home. My sister stood up and asked the judge if she could help and keep him out of a residential home.
My heart goes out to you I know how you feel. You feel powerless. But sometimes its for the best to just let go.
Laurie
sanddie said
Aug 5, 2005
Thank you all so much... it means so much to have each of you here listening. :) My daughter is gone as of 9 am this morning and it just sickens me to think that her Dad has only manipulated her all along-- these past 9 years into such a codependent relationship that she feels responsible for him. Ya see, he has experienced several tragedies in his family-- well WE have experienced several tragedies in his family over the last 10 years, in which the last 9 I hadn't been a part of because of our divorce. However, the last year we were together when our 5 nieces and nephews died in a fire was the final straw for me and I got away from him-- with our children. That is what makes this the most difficult to deal with is to watch my daughter make this choice because she worries more about her Dad than herself. :( I guess that is what happens when her Dad constantly is telling her how he misses all the people that have died in his family and continues to keep asking her if she misses them and also makes sure that she knows that she is the only one he has in his life because everyone else is dying in his family. Pretty Sick!!! But, she still has choices and I have to keep that in mind to get through this-- this was HER choice, as I tried to give her inpatient recovery the past 45 days that cost $25,000 at a phenomenal facility. I feel MUCH better knowing that she left without a fight, but rather us talking for the first time in a long time and that she told me that she will call me if she feels like she is in danger by her Dad's ever... The other most difficult part though is that she still requires medical/mental health care and her Dad has a history of not taking her to counseling or her Neurologist so I worry for her emotional and physical health so much.
-- Edited by sanddie at 17:38, 2005-08-05
cdb said
Aug 5, 2005
(((((((((((((Sanddie))))))))))) My best friend's kids have been manipulated and had things said to them about their mom ever since she divorced him when they were young in grade school. They got to the point where they didn't want anything to do with him when they finally wised up. He is an alcoholic and also had been arrested for sleeping with a student before they divorced. The kids needed to figure it out on their own. Once they did they knew where the truth lied. I pray that your daughter will see the truth too so that she can make her own decisions and realize who the safe, responsible and loving parent is. Who knows? Maybe your ex will try and change for her. Hopefully she will become a more mature independent young lady ready to face the responsibilities of this world. My heart still goes out to you. When I read the replies just now I could hardly stand to think of the pain you are in. It is so unbearable. I will be praying for you and thinking of you. Keep us posted. cdb
TLC2 said
Aug 5, 2005
Wow, (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))). I am sooo sorry for what you are going through. When my daughter was 14, I went through a year of Hell. She is extremely head strong and was going to do whatever she wanted. By the age of 15, I was going through divorce with her father.
He wanted someone to cook and clean for him, so she moved in with him. My finances of course were not good at that time either, so...
Anyway, I finally had to let her go to keep her. Make sense?
She moved in with a boyfriend, worked and supported him, got tired of that and decided to make a new life out west (where her father and his new wife moved to). He wouldn't have anything to do with her. After all, he had a full time cook and housekeeper. She lived out there for 1 1/2 years. All through this, I told her I love her, and no matter what, she is and always will be welcome here.
She came home 1 1/2 years ago got a job and an apartment about 25 miles from me. We are closer than we had ever been and she appreciates me and all I have done for her. She learned a few hard lessons while she was away, and is a mature and wonderful person!!! But, I knew, no matter how much it hurt, that I had to let her go.
Hope this helps, I understand what you are going through. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Remember, HP won't give you any more than you can handle. Love, TLC
sanddie said
Aug 6, 2005
Thank you for sharing TLC--- I know this was the right thing to do to keep her so I know EXACTLY what you are saying. It was either continue to force rules within my home, which ultimately was causing her to retaliate and resist even more with threats and inappropriate actions or let her go and learn for herself what is best for her on her own. :) She knows I love her and even told me that when she left... Her leaving was actually the first time we talked or I should say she talked, telling me she knows I love her and worry for her, but she has to do this on her own so she can grow up. As difficult as it was to still think of her leaving with some of the choices shes made lately not being very healthy for her, when she talked to me like that I saw for the first time some maturity in her so maybe this will be good for her to put to action all the years of counseling and support she's had all along-- maybe this is just time for her to apply all that shes learned while being faced with some of her own challenges. :)
Well, the decision was made tonight to allow my daughter who just got out of a 45 day inpatient rehabilitation center go live with her Dad, who is not in recovery and continues to avoid accepting the consequences of his actions. My daughter has been irrate, disrespectful, and many times outraged at me trying to control her life-- at 17 years old (she turned just a couple of weeks ago) With this decision, all of her support and resources will be MUCH more difficult to reach because her Dad says that she is okay and doesn't need this support system-- doesn't need the Neurologist for her seizure disorder, doesn't need to take her medication because it has always been ME that caused her seizures and medical/mental health condition.
The worse part about ALL of this other than losing her support system or encouragment from her Dad is that she will be giving up an education where she has teachers specifically for her program (because she has a learning disability) here in Wisconsin and will be going to a big city (Chicago) attending schools that have a very poor rating for assisting children, particularly with learning disabilities. She currently has an IEP of 4th-6th grade despite her being 17-years old.
Sooooo, I'm giving it ALL to God-- He knows I'm tired and have done all I can do. I guess it is time for her to accept the consequences of her actions, decisions, and choices and all I can do is hope that God protects her and guides her-- hopefully His will for her life is to survive and overcome all of this. However, I'm willing to accept the negative as well. After all, how can we accept the good and not the bad? It is ALL part of God's plan--- not necessarily the bad, but taking the bad circumstances and making good out of them. Unfortunately, though this isn't always the case as most of us know and I just have to keep telling myself this is His plan-- whatever it may be and trust that completely.
cdb, making this choice- I've thought of you so much..... I don't know how you continue to do it, as I have found that there is ONLY one thing that results from not letting go-- physical, emotional, mental and most importantly spiritual loss.
-- Edited by sanddie at 22:30, 2005-08-04
(((((((((((((((((((((((Sanddie)))))))))))))))))) Oh my goodness. How hard this has to be for you. I am a teacher (disabled now) and use to work with LD kids. I guess it is time for your daughter to take care of herself the best she can. She obviously has an excellent foundation with you as her mom and with your strong religious beliefs. Now is the time for her to put them to use. My stomach is actually hurting to know that someone else has to endure such pain with their child. I will be thinking of you and saying prayers too. You have helped to comfort me so much in your posts. I am at a loss of how to help you or what to say. There may be that one teacher in Chicago that will take your daughter under her wing. I did give so much to the kids I worked with and I hope she will also have a very caring understanding teacher there. Is this court ordered for her to live with your ex or did she choose it? How you must be wanting to hold on to her. I just cannot really understand fully your pain since my husband is here for me to at least lean on and be with and not against me. Thanks for posting this and please keep us updated. cdb God Bless You.....
I am also a teacher , so I understand about the IEP.
When it is a spouse or boyfriend we ahve to let go of, I think it is easier than it woudl be if it were my child. I guess that's why God never blessed us with children. The drinking was jsut so bad those years i was trying to get pregnant.
I agree with CBD...jsut put it in your mind that your daughter will get just what she needs in Chicago. there will be that one teacher she relly needs. Try not to dwell on the negative of what she gave up or may be facing. Instead remember that you did the best you could. It's time to let go and let her father do some of the parenting for a change.
{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you! Prayers go out to your daughter that her HP is with her to watch over her and give her strength.
LIN
Dear Saddie
God Bless you & your family. I know it must have been a very tough decision but I think the right one. Something to remember is that having been with you all these years - you have planted the seed - now let God grow it. You sound like a loving parent and I am sure that over the years you have taught your daughter well even thought she doesn't show it. I pray to God that someday she will.
Just know that she is in God arms where you put her by letting go. Its not like you forced her or kicked her out - YOU let go with LOVE and that is the best you can do. Keep the faith that God will care for her, as hard as that may seem right now - Trust God. Thats all you can do now.
Continue to be good to yourself, stay strong in your program and remember, God loves you and so do we.
Yours in Recovery
Kathy570
-- Edited by sanddie at 17:38, 2005-08-05
Wow, (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))). I am sooo sorry for what you are going through. When my daughter was 14, I went through a year of Hell. She is extremely head strong and was going to do whatever she wanted. By the age of 15, I was going through divorce with her father.
He wanted someone to cook and clean for him, so she moved in with him. My finances of course were not good at that time either, so...
Anyway, I finally had to let her go to keep her. Make sense?
She moved in with a boyfriend, worked and supported him, got tired of that and decided to make a new life out west (where her father and his new wife moved to). He wouldn't have anything to do with her. After all, he had a full time cook and housekeeper. She lived out there for 1 1/2 years. All through this, I told her I love her, and no matter what, she is and always will be welcome here.
She came home 1 1/2 years ago got a job and an apartment about 25 miles from me. We are closer than we had ever been and she appreciates me and all I have done for her. She learned a few hard lessons while she was away, and is a mature and wonderful person!!! But, I knew, no matter how much it hurt, that I had to let her go.
Hope this helps, I understand what you are going through. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Remember, HP won't give you any more than you can handle. Love, TLC