What a scary yet warm feeling to read posts and feel as though they were all written by you. Everyone of them rings true to how my life is. I am married to an alcoholic for 3 years. I think I always knew he was but he was so great otherwise, that I tried to convince myself he wasnt. I left him twice before and always came back after he told me what I wanted to hear. Now we have a 7 month old son. Husband went on binge a month ago for 3 days and it was pretty ugly. I left with my son. Husband decided he needed help and i arranged for couseling for him etc. He goes to AA everynight and counseling tweice a week. I too am in counseling as a significant other of an alcoholic. I am learning to detach but find it so hard since I have become such a control freak due to his drinking. Any advice on how to no longer live for him and his drinking? For example, if he has a drink I know I will be crushed and won't be able to think, eat , sleep etc. Any advice or experiences would be appreciated. Thanks

Carrie   

hi carrie and welcome

im a newbie too, and ive read the boards and thought did i write that? I divorced my A and then remarried him when he had quit for a year, nows he drinking again and i gave him an ultimatum.  i find one more drink in the house or if he is caught drinking im out of here. i have always made him leave in the past. but he can have the house , furniture and everything. i just cannot do this anymore.

well i told you im a newbie , because here your suppose to let god handle it. and i am going to try. but what happens to another of my idle threats. i never realized how many of us enablers existed. i thought it was only me...lol...but believe me when i say you are among friends..keep us posted you are not alone...

blessings   molly

Cobrien,

I think the best answer to your question as to "how" is to attend Al-Anon meetings in your area.  The answers come with the program and working the steps.  Do yourself a favor and take care of you  :)

Christy

I have been with my A almost 9 years and married almost 7.  It is only in the last year that I started taking care of myself.  I eat healthy now, get sleep that my body needs.  I have been active in renewing friendships that I had put on the back burner because I was always waiting for my A to change.  I have yelled, screamed, cried, broke down, robbed peter to pay paul, threatened to leave, and last year went to jail because I was at a loss and threw a phone at him.  I work on me one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time.   It's gotten worse lately and I am so glad I found Alanon and this board, I am grateful for the counseling I am in because of my domestic violence charge last year.  I am happy I am finding me again.  Take it slow, work the program, read lots...

Hugs Mary

I am with the others Carrie. First and foremost, take care of yourself. Come here, read and share and find a F2F in your area. Learn to detach with love from your husband when he is drinking. It's an ongoing battle to detach but I can say from experience that it does allow you peace of mind. Learn to focus on you and know that your husband is going to do as he pleases and all the pleading, deal-making and worrying will do, is make you feel ill. You need to take your life back. Please read the posts of the more experienced people here. See what has worked for them and what has not been as successful. I have learned more here than I ever thought I could. I now have a whole box of "tools" that I never even knew that I needed. I haven't needed them for some time, but it's so good to know they're available to me when I do. There are good, knowledgeable people here, some who have gone through exactly what you are going through. Read their words, learn from them and when you start taking care of you, you will notice changes in your life. It's a rough journey, but so very worth it. Good luck on your journey to finding you.... ~arwyn

Learning to change our own behavior, to focus on our own needs and how we can meet those ourself takes time and is an ongoing process.  Al-Anon and all the many members are such a help to us in trying to do this.  We have all been there and truly understand the feelings we go thru.  Change isn't going to happen overnight, but I promise you, if you stick with the program and really work it, one day you will see a change.  I can so clearly remember the morning I woke up to a banging noise, came downstairs to see what was going on.  Hubby was sitting at desk banging the keyboard on the edge, letters flying off all over.  I calmly walked over to the coffeepot and started making coffee.  He banged the keyboard again, I calmly asked him "could you please stop that?"  He looked at me rather funny, then took it in his hands and proceeded to try and rip it apart.  I calmly poured a cup of coffee and sat down.  He looked at me and began to say the "you this, you that" stuff.  I calmly replied, "yes you do"  He looked at me funny again, then shut up, attached a new keyboard to the computer and then walked upstairs to bed.  The level of calm and detachment that I felt during all this is what struck me - that I could really feel that way!  That is truly Al-Anon in work.  So I know it works!!  To not get caught up in his feelings, to be able to have my own feelings...what a great thing!!  Keep coming back, find some local meetings (we can help you with that if needed), join us here in chat and online meetings - and Welcome to our Miracles In Progress family!!  So glad you are here!!

Luv, Kis

Welcome Cobrien,

Alanon will help you. We are powerless over the alcoholic and alcoholism/drug abuse. Keep working your program and coming to meetings and here and things will change. When we change things will change around us. You are not alone. cdb :)