I am posting after attending an online meeting a realizing that I need to be in these"rooms" of recovery. People have smiles and love. I want that for myself and it needs to start with me. My Brother is an A. The first time he hit a bottom he went and worked a bit of recovery and the family and myself did as well. I can't really say that any of us stuck with the programs so IF YOU DON"T WORK IT IT WILL NOT WORK.....is sooooo true. Denial is such a comfortable old shoe one that I have grown accustome to all these years growing up In an A family enviornment. My entire famiy is a bunch of control freaks...CONTROLING everything ....so letting go and letting GOD is not common conversation in my family...manipulate, control, be perfect and add keeping family secrets to yourself...it is a volitile combination......"A" runs in our family my brother is not the first and will probably not be the last. For many years now we all believed and wanted to believe that my brother was working his program....but he was not and the hypocrisy is that I was not working mine or on me....Anyway....I noticed lately the anger growing in my brother and his behaviors spelled it all out and it was confirmed for me with my own nose and eyes HE IS DRINKING AGAIN.... :( :( I have a sinking ache in my stomach I am contantly worried..... I jump when the phone rings .... I confronted him on his drinking when I saw him do it infront of me ...he tried to hide it like I couldn't smell it on him...He denied it and promised he wasn't I stopped him mid sentence of his promise ...told him don't promise you can't ..I told him I know what your doing and think about what your actions are do what you need to do call someone ect.... for yourself not me ...I told him I loved him and they were his choices not mine .....we parted ...later that same night he called me and said thank you did not deny and said he would do what he needed to do.....WHICH is more drinking because today in the middle of the work day...he was drinking...to top it off he was seen driving at an excess of 70 mph on a non highway road. I know I can't conrol him or the drinking or cure him ...my mind tells me this ...but my heart is aching broken and scared....I feel like I am waiting now for that horrible phone call and I just can't seem to put it out of my mind.... So I attended an online meeting and planning on a f2f localy asap...and now I am posting my thoughts.....Praying .....right now it's more minute to minute than day to day..but I am trying .... Thanks for being out there

wmed,

Welcome and I am glad that you are here and searching for f2f meetings.  Hang in there and try to concentrate on you for now.  We are here for you when you need support or just need to vent.

Your friend in recovery,

Mandi

 

wmed wrote:

---

My entire famiy is a bunch of control freaks...CONTROLING everything ....so letting go and letting GOD is not common conversation in my family...manipulate, control, be perfect and add keeping family secrets to yourself...it is a volitile combination

---

wmed,

You could be describing MY family, LOL!

Some members of my family have taken nagging, controlling, and passive aggresive behaviors to the level of an art form!  Truly.  My Dad was not like this at all and that is the reason why my parents divorced.  My Mom is an expert at it.  My older sister is a walking talking carbon copy of her, except, she is a little taller. 

I was always closer to my Dad and take after him in personality and nature.  My Mom and siblings always drove me crazy, I finally went to counseling and learned a LOT.

My counselor taught me a little game called "who owns the problem" which I still use to this day!  My family HATES this, since it shocks them out of their denial and dysfunction.  The minute someone starts saying to me " you better tell____________"  or "you have to tell_______________" or you SHOULD tell___________" I cut them off before they even get to the second part.  I ask "who owns this problem?".  They usually say YOU do, since he is your husband, she is your daughter, they are your neighbors...whatever.  Then I say "well, if it were MY problem I would talk to them with my own words and thoughts, I would not need to be prompted by YOU".  Then they start about their "good intentions" and I tell them that if their intentions are so good then THEY should tell the person, since THEY OWN THE PROBLEM.  it has gotten to the point that I actually physically hold up my hand in front of their face and turn my head as they often keep talking and don't listen well at all.  I walk away if I can.  Needless to say, I am not the most popular person in my family, LOL.  In fact, my Mom and husband and I play a little game I call the "phone game".  I will be trying to have a normal conversation with my Mom and she will ignore me and try to tell me all of the things that are wrong with my husband and tell me I need to "talk" to him about her complaints.  I tell her that she should tell him herself.  If she keeps talking to me I call my husband and tell him he has a phone call, when he comes and hears my Mom's voice he calls me back to the phone, when I pick it up and my Mom starts again about HIM I call him back and put the phone down, he usually refuses to come while I go back to what I was doing.  After a while I come to check up on what is going on with the phone call.  If my Mom has not hung up I will pick it back up and tell her that husband hates the phone and she will need to come home to talk to him.  If she starts up again on husband I call him to phone again and game starts all over, LOL.  Finally she gives up and I can at last talk to HER...she is not too happy with me at this point, so the conversation is usually SHORT (YAY).  I wish my MOM would find recovery here...

My Dad taught me that the best way to learn how to get along with a difficult person is to learn to get along WITHOUT them, in other words, have as few dealings with them as possible.  I severely limit my association with my family to important family events, where the supreme effort to be patient with their dysfunction will not be overwhelming for me.  That is the only way I know to try to break out of that dysfunctional cycle. 

Try to relate your brother's drinking to dieting.  Let's pretend that you are obese.  Obesity also has a long list of avoidable serious health problems related to it, up to and including death.  Eating WHILE driving is also against the law in many states (but unlike drinking, driving AFTER you ate is OK).  Let's say that your family is concerned about your weight and urges you to diet and lose weight.  Well, that is not as easy as it sounds...

How would you like your family to "police" your eating?  Smell your breath to see if you have eaten between meals and confront you about your eating?  How would you like them to call you often, pleading with you to stop  over eating?  How would you like to be the subject of family discussion about your "out of control eating"?  How would you like to be accountable to family members for what you eat?  How would you like to go to a restaurant with your family and have them watch what you order?  Count how many pieces of food you eat?  Whatch every bite you put into your mouth?  How would you like them to call you later and discuss what you ordered with them? 

I don't think you would like it...unless you are my Mom...I tried to use this scenario with my Mom (about her policing my housecleaning methods as compared to her Ornish diet) and she said she would LOVE it if someone was that concerned about her...SIGH! 

Well...MOST people would NOT like this!

It only makes people mad, angry, annoyed and I think it triggers some deep seated need to REBEL against this level of oppresion.  I think it only hinders people's recovery.  They may want recovery, but don't want to give family members the opportunity to be smug and have a "SEE, now you know I was RIGHT" attitude.

I think that people have to find their own recovery, on their own, from within themselves.  Just like many people finally lose weight when they do it for THEMSELVES!

I am sorry you are hurting...try to remember to take care of YOU and leave brother to take care of himself.  I hope he finds his way out just like I hope my husband does. 

Isabela

 

Thank you for the support....I woke up today feeling better about me.....I am taking it one step at a time and I am going to focus on me. I pray for brother to find his way.....After all my brother is married and has 2 children and another on the way in two months....I pray for his wife and kids and I know that's all I can do anything beyond that is me trying to control. It is hard to watch someone self destruct , especially one you love.....My brother and i work together as well in a family business...so it is hard not to notice his drinking, I will not police it....I just get scared when I see him in the mddle of the work day drinking and driving ...and then picking up his kids.....I will work on me today and focus on my job not my brother...ONE DAY AT A TIME....I may need to red my own post several times today to get through... THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT

Hi wmed,

I am not surprised to hear you work together in a family run business, that is the order of the day in a family which has controlling and manipulative behavior as part of its hierarchy.

Control freaks usually mean well, and have good intentions, but control is the name of the game.  The more avenues of other's lives that they control, the happier they are.  Your life is controlled by your family 24/7 when you work in a family run business.  You are enmeshed at work, and at home as they know your schedule and often you are encouraged to spend free time with family since you can talk business as well...what a nightmare...at least it would be for me. 

Maybe as part of your plan to "take care of you" you can find another job?  One that won't have emotional consequences such as enmeshment?

I know this is a big step, especially since your family obivously rules so much of your life, but maybe you can start to think about it...

Just suggestions to help you...only you know what is best for yourself....

Isabela

Hello wmed,

It was so nice meeting you in the chatroom tonite. Your post makes me wonder how my son will be with his sister when she gets older. She calls him when she is drunk and leaves drunk messages etc. She is 21 and he is 24 today. He does not understand alcoholism but has had friends that have tried to educate him some. He listens to me when I see him since he lives out of town. I feel so helpless for my son too for having to live with a sister whose name has been in the paper and who has embarassed herself so much in front of his friends! He needs to know that it is her issue and not to be embarassed but that is hard to do. She even was trying to call some of his friends while drunk a week ago in the middles of the night!  This is such an awful, horrible disease. Keep going to alanon and coming here for support. cdb

Hi there cdb, It was nice meeting you as well in the chat room too. I am 30 and my brother is 36, and we have been at this since we were teenagers...the cycle of drunk brother and sister worrier....I think I can identify with your son when I was a bit younger....this time around since my brother picked up it is a little different. The first time he had been in a treatment facility he was just married and 24 The whole family the first time whent into programs ...that was my first alanon expierence ...I was 18 at the time....I had no understanding of the whole alcoholism addiction and how deeply his drinking afected our family. (He had been drunk most of my teenage life and I grew accustomed to it and it was our "normal" life...yeh right...I thought that this was just the way it was.) I also learned at that time that my mothers father was an alcoholic all while she was growing up and how that affected her upbringing and how we were raised.... as well as my dad's mother while he grew up...the disease literaly spidered through and touched each generation. When I was younger I thought all the time there was something I can do to help him out, cover it up or I always thought he would get clean if I asked because we were close...And as I know now these are not possiblities....the best way I can help is by working on me and asking for support and PRAYERS turning it over to GOD to help my brother. It sounds like you are open to being there for your son as well as your daughter ...he can talk to you...that's nice ...my family was all so sick the first time around I couldn't talk to anyone ...especially my mom...she had so much regret that it was to painful to talk about. ...I was so glad I found people in alanon and family counciling to try to get an understanding about the disease and to help me....the knowledge from the rooms and groups and theripists helped me work on me...I have healed quiet a few relasonships in my life....it was a hard growing up hideing my brothers secret .....And this time around when he picked up ...And I know he's not perfect and there will be slips ...I knew where to go ...ALANON .....It's not easy to work the steps and I am glad to have the support , and each little bit helps. Maybe one day you could show your son this post about my brother ....he might find that reaching out to get support from others will help him understandand that he's not alone .....For I learned that I love my brother and he is sick ...and for that I pray for him each day that he can find his recovery. Thanks for listening and being out there ...I will say a prayer for your daughter and your family. Stay srong. Wmed

Thanks Mandi for the support wmed