For the past 2 weeks I have been doing a great job of giving away my serenity to my husband. Many behaviors are rearing their ugly head. My husband who has been I believe to be sober since October of last year has not been active in his program for a while. Always a different excuse as to why. I have been working on staying out of his program. However, due to the lack of program I am dealing with the same person I had prior to finding the rooms. He swears that he is sober but I have my doubts. Being sober (dry) and having recovery are 2 totally different things. I suspect that if things continue for him the way they are it will be only a matter of time before he picks up again (if he hasnt already).
So my behaviors - reacting to everything he says or does, taking what he says personally, allowing him to push the buttons. All the while I know that I am giving him what I worked so hard to get and maintain. The hurt I feel over his lack of program/recovery when things were going well feels like a boulder chasing me downhill - there is no way to get out of its way. I have expressed my feelings to my husband and I am met with the usual remarks - your a bitch - whatever - I dont care etc.
I did discover something about myself however. I through my complacency have backed off my program a bit. I am back working it vigorously however. I know that I cannont become complacent with regards to my program. I must be ever diligent in all aspects of my program to stay strong for myself. So today I will accept my powerlessness in the situation, I will acknowledge that there is a power greater than I am to help me through, and that I cant, He can, I will let him. I will work on keeping my serenity I have worked for and earned because I know that despite all the negative words thrown my way - I AM WORTH IT.
Thanks to every one of you for always being there.
Karen
kismetstrand said
Aug 3, 2005
Hi (((((Karen)))))
Focusing on our own program is soooo important. I have found whenever I lose my focus, that is when I tend to "slip". When I start looking at what others are doing or not doing is when I begin to lose my focus on myself. My sponsor has gently (and sometimes not so gently LOL) reminded me, regarding my A or anyone for that matter, "It's none of your business." And she is right. My only business is my own program. Not my A's. Not my fellow Al-Anoner's.
Knowing it is not my business to "caretake" my A's program takes a big weight off my shoulders. Prevents a lot of arguing and hurt feelings also. I wouldn't want him telling me how I should go about my program and recovery, therefore I show the same respect back to him in staying out of how he does or doesn't go about his. I try to do the same in regards to my fellow Al-Anoner's, not my business to tell them what to do, just to share what I have done or learned thru the program.
Hope this is of some help.
Luv, Kis
marmare said
Aug 3, 2005
Hi!
I too seem to relax about my program when my A is doing better. He however has not claimed his right to sobriety. I have to tell myself "one day at a time" I have three daily meditation books. One I keep at home, one in my car, and one on my desk at work. The clients that come here for treatment know about the active A I live with, they always bring me quotes or articles they have picked up or found helpful. Keep taking care of yourself.
Hugs Mary
megan said
Aug 3, 2005
Hi Karen
(((Karen)))
You can get your serenity back.
I like that you put yourself back on step one because that is excatly the start of getting our serenity back.
We only have power over ourselves.
When my husband quit drinking for 5 months last year he wasthe "dry drunk"
Same behaviours as when he was drunk on alcohol. He never got "sober" even though he had stopped drinking for awhile.
I wish we could do their recovery for them, if so it would be done, yes? And perfectly
But unfortunately we can only work on our own recovery.
You and your family are in my prayers today
Megan
AlaMom said
Aug 4, 2005
Thank you all for your kind responses. Although the situation is not better, I am. I spent a fair amount of time journaling and talking to my sponsor. I have a better handle on my feelings - and that I can only take care of myself. The greatest gift of this program are the people who come before me to help me show me the way and the newcomers to show me how far I have come. I am truly blessed as a result of this program. And I must remind myself of that each day and remember to thank HP for it.
I have created a diversion for myself each time I feel the need to get into my husbands program. He went to a meeting last night - and I through my diversion did not feel the need to ask him how the meeting was. It is up to him if he cares to to share it - I do not need to know - so I will not ask.
Learning what is and what is not my business has been a challenge for me - but I learn from everyone's stories how to handle it a little better each day.
Thank you again - and love to you all
Karen
cdb said
Aug 5, 2005
(((((((((((((((((((((((((Karen))))))))))))))))) You are so right in what you posted. I need to find my serenity again too. Thanks for posting so I can learn and relate. YOU ARE WORTH IT. cdb
Hiya (((((((everyone)))))
For the past 2 weeks I have been doing a great job of giving away my serenity to my husband. Many behaviors are rearing their ugly head. My husband who has been I believe to be sober since October of last year has not been active in his program for a while. Always a different excuse as to why. I have been working on staying out of his program. However, due to the lack of program I am dealing with the same person I had prior to finding the rooms. He swears that he is sober but I have my doubts. Being sober (dry) and having recovery are 2 totally different things. I suspect that if things continue for him the way they are it will be only a matter of time before he picks up again (if he hasnt already).
So my behaviors - reacting to everything he says or does, taking what he says personally, allowing him to push the buttons. All the while I know that I am giving him what I worked so hard to get and maintain. The hurt I feel over his lack of program/recovery when things were going well feels like a boulder chasing me downhill - there is no way to get out of its way. I have expressed my feelings to my husband and I am met with the usual remarks - your a bitch - whatever - I dont care etc.
I did discover something about myself however. I through my complacency have backed off my program a bit. I am back working it vigorously however. I know that I cannont become complacent with regards to my program. I must be ever diligent in all aspects of my program to stay strong for myself. So today I will accept my powerlessness in the situation, I will acknowledge that there is a power greater than I am to help me through, and that I cant, He can, I will let him. I will work on keeping my serenity I have worked for and earned because I know that despite all the negative words thrown my way - I AM WORTH IT.
Thanks to every one of you for always being there.
Karen
Hi (((((Karen)))))
Focusing on our own program is soooo important. I have found whenever I lose my focus, that is when I tend to "slip". When I start looking at what others are doing or not doing is when I begin to lose my focus on myself. My sponsor has gently (and sometimes not so gently LOL) reminded me, regarding my A or anyone for that matter, "It's none of your business." And she is right. My only business is my own program. Not my A's. Not my fellow Al-Anoner's.
Knowing it is not my business to "caretake" my A's program takes a big weight off my shoulders. Prevents a lot of arguing and hurt feelings also. I wouldn't want him telling me how I should go about my program and recovery, therefore I show the same respect back to him in staying out of how he does or doesn't go about his. I try to do the same in regards to my fellow Al-Anoner's, not my business to tell them what to do, just to share what I have done or learned thru the program.
Hope this is of some help.
Luv, Kis
Hi!
I too seem to relax about my program when my A is doing better. He however has not claimed his right to sobriety. I have to tell myself "one day at a time" I have three daily meditation books. One I keep at home, one in my car, and one on my desk at work. The clients that come here for treatment know about the active A I live with, they always bring me quotes or articles they have picked up or found helpful. Keep taking care of yourself.
Hugs Mary
Hi Karen
(((Karen)))
You can get your serenity back.
I like that you put yourself back on step one because that is excatly the start of getting our serenity back.
We only have power over ourselves.
When my husband quit drinking for 5 months last year he wasthe "dry drunk"
Same behaviours as when he was drunk on alcohol. He never got "sober" even though he had stopped drinking for awhile.
I wish we could do their recovery for them, if so it would be done, yes? And perfectly
But unfortunately we can only work on our own recovery.
You and your family are in my prayers today
Megan
Thank you all for your kind responses. Although the situation is not better, I am. I spent a fair amount of time journaling and talking to my sponsor. I have a better handle on my feelings - and that I can only take care of myself. The greatest gift of this program are the people who come before me to help me show me the way and the newcomers to show me how far I have come. I am truly blessed as a result of this program. And I must remind myself of that each day and remember to thank HP for it.
I have created a diversion for myself each time I feel the need to get into my husbands program. He went to a meeting last night - and I through my diversion did not feel the need to ask him how the meeting was. It is up to him if he cares to to share it - I do not need to know - so I will not ask.
Learning what is and what is not my business has been a challenge for me - but I learn from everyone's stories how to handle it a little better each day.
Thank you again - and love to you all
Karen