Many of you I was very angry Sunday, as I had to vent in the chat room 

After 3 weeks, I have made little progress (I'm trying to focus on me!) but we have seen signs that the A isn't taking his program seriously or to heart.  It is sad to realize some ppl really do have to lose everything & even then they might never hit bottom.  He just seems happier each day & it is not only hurtful & disrespectful feeling but it's quite irritating 

I have to protect my bloody hurt heart & my beaten Soul. 

Nonetheless, enlightenment does not come without some pain & seeing someone you've known throught your lifetime, continue to put up walls (well u know) & it just hurts! But I am seeing the writing on the wall ~ the justifications are creeping back in...  they might be good actors but the attitude is showing, little by little.  :

Now that I am aware - it really is easy to see! Maybe he nvr cared about me or whether I have no respect for him or not.  But just like he has ignored me over the years, while I tried to reach out emotionally, I can ignore him right back - whatever works to get myself back into focus.  I won't go out of my way to be shitty as he has done to me, but I don't have to go out of my way to cater to him ever again.

 

((((((((((((((((((Kitty))))))))))))) It is good you are focusing on you. I am not sure if you have read my posts about my 21 year old alcoholic daughter. Her alcoholism will be a lifeline struggle for her. I too have the choice of using alanon for my lifetime too to help me to live and cope with an alcoholic. It helps me to not have any expectations at all. Expectations lead to resentments and holding on to resentments is not healthy for us and is a waste of our time and energy. It took me a long time to form new boundaries with my daughter and to change old habits and patterns. When I started using my Paths for Recovery alanon book to work on me, I started to become healthier. The first 3 months I first came here are a blurr to me due to the crisis I was in with my daughter. Also the shock of how I could have been in such denial for so many years of her progression with her alcoholism/drug addiction. Be kind to yourself and know that our changing of patterns and behaviors take time. Babysteps is a term that helped me in the beginning too. We seem to want things to change asap when all we really need to be doing is babysteps to take care of us. Keep on posting and getting your feeilngs out. WE do understand here and will help you in anyway we can. cdb

thanks cdb,

the feedback really helps & I look forward to it & cherish it.

-k

kitty, Boy do I remember those same feelings. When I first came in to Alanon I had so much resentment to work through. When I heard people talk about making amends, I couldn't think of one thing I could possibly make amends for. But the reality is, I had a part in all this too. First, I need to make amends to myself for playing the victim, for allowing it at all. I sure didn't have to put myself in that position. It was a choice I made, even if I didn't know it. And man...when I first heard that I wanted to beat the person..lol Well hell yeah I'm a victim, you live this life and see!!! OK, fast forward a few months..Yep, I admit it, I signed up to play the victim. I played a huge part in how I felt. I complained about my life to whoever would listen. I finally recognized that I can't do a damn thing about what my A does. But..I have total control in how I react to him and his behavior. When that happened, I started to have more control over how I feel and what my attitude was/is. I don't want to be the person that whines to my adult daughter anymore. She has her own family and life to deal with. I see now that I just gave her more stress. I love my daughter very much, and now I see that I was hurting her by expecting her to listen to me all the time. Jeez, poor kid (she's 32)! It was my stuff to deal with, she didn't need it to bleed over on her. I have some amends to make to her for doing that. If I had not gone to Alanon I wouldn't have even recognized what I was doing. Anyway..I don't even know where I was going with all this. I guess maybe I just wanted to share my progression so you could see it is possible to move out of the initial anger and resentment. Trust me, people still piss me off..lol But I'm able to deal with the situation much faster and put it in perspective. I have to ask myself "how much does this matter"? If it's a family member, it matters a lot and I deal with it swiftly before it gets out of hand. If it's an aquaintance or someone else that has angered me I can place it on the "who gives a rats a$$" shelf pretty darn fast too. If I need to deal with it, I do..If I need to distance myself from a toxic person, I recognize it and do that too. I try to accept people as they are. If the person is an ass, I accept that too...lol But I can't let it affect who I am or my recovery. Sometimes I get sucked in to someone elses "stuff", but as I said, I recognize what is happening much sooner then I used to and am able to step away when needed and not feed their disease. You really have to want recovery and do the steps. Otherwise we are kind of like the dry drunks. Without treatment they have the same behaviors. It's same with us, without really doing the steps we also have the same behaviors we've always had. There was a lady at my f2f tonight that said she had done the steps, but then decided to do them again because she realized she didn't really do them because she still had so much anger and resentment. She had gone though the steps without really understanding them and said she felt like a hypocrite when she was trying to help others.. So, it's not easy, but the steps do work if you want them to... and work if you work them. Take care of you Christy

-- Edited by Christy at 00:46, 2005-08-03

I do really appreciate your answer christy - when ai found the prgram 20 yrs ago, I worked the prgram thru 2-4 times the first one & a half years, because you are at all different 'periods of time' mentally.  Then time went by & I let the program slide. Then I maried an addict (5 yrs w/ him) & myself slipped much more.

 

I care about my A - (my step-father) a great deal, I do love him & he's been maried to my mother since I was 12 ~ 25 yrs ago.  This disease sucks & it does hurt.

what I am trying to say, is the 'Program' can & ought to be worked continually (& cyclically) throught  the rest of one's life.

I simply forgot for 18 or so years.

-thanks for listening

Kitty,

Of course it's hard to see an active addict has heart; but they do have one.  It's so buried in all that crap they've put in their bodies.  That's why I think a year in a treatment hospital for addicts would help.  They have to get it out of their system and they have to learn a new way to think.  I just heard if you really work on changing your eating habits it takes six months and then the new habits will taste better than the old.  SIX MONTHS!  It takes lots of time that's why AA says A's shouldn't jump into a relationship until they have 1 year of sobriety under their belts.  They are not equipped to deal with anyone else while they are in that state. 

Well, hard to hear when we are in pain, but i truly believe having faith in HP and not blaming HP can help us to move forward.  Sometimes, I think we blame HP because HP doesn't fix our choices.  Doesn't say that's ok dear I'll wave a magic wand and make it all better.  That's not HP job.  If HP did that well heck we'd never learn anything.  We'd never grow.  Everyone would get fat and lazy.  And we wouldn't have any SELF RESPECT for building into our lives what we need to have in them.  

Oh, It sounds so hard.  And it IS hard sometimes.  Nobody has the answers for us.  We have to work them out with help of our loving, caring, interested, and involved HP.  For a lot of people HP is an angry vengeful person and that is why they can't connect with HP.  Maybe it's time to change your view of HP or find that HP does have great love for you.  I know this is true but YOU need to know this. 

It's going to be impossible to get through step 4 with a view of an HP that doesn't give a damn about you.   I hope you can relate to what I'm saying for I truly care about you and want to see you happy.

Laura

 

hi kittty

i went thru what felt like every stage of the disease with my A  , my ex husband

i loved and adored him for 20 yrs ... i would guess that at 20 paces he could still make my heart beat faster

however he had NO willingness to get sober again , after a relapse , following 8 yrs of sobriety

I chose to leave him he was killing me i decided my family did not work 2 jons to educate me , instill good values in me all to have HIS illness drag me to suicide

it has been a loing walk, it has been 4 yrs

i can see more clearly the longer i am away from him

i feel sorry for him i still talk about  him thi8nk about him and sometimes miss the good times

but for us , the god times were rarely intimate they were usually about a kick ass trip to europe  or asia and spending money pretending we were movie stars

 to this day he lives undercover , remains underemployed , fdates bar flys and skulks around to avoid paying me a living wage in alimony 

its pathetic  , b ut the program is teachng me to focus on me

on what i have left in MY Life and to find a bit to enjoy one day at a time

i am finding serenity and peace that i had long forgotten

none of us has a crystal ball whos to say what your man may or may not do ?
 i pray that you will find the serenity to accept what you cant change and the courage to change what you can

and that you keep coming

thanks for sharing

love in recovery

fiona

HI Kitty, Sounds to me like you are NOT STUCK!  You are moving on!  You GO!  ~mamsan