I'm sure all of us go through these time with our A when we have just had enough of their bull and get so completly angry at them, the kids, ourselves, and the world. In the last couple of weeks I've noticed that I have some unchecked anger. I find myself really getting bent out of shape over small things that the children do, or getting extremely irrate over the idiosyncries my A has always had.
I really scared myself the other day last week when I got so angry at my toddler's for taking their shoes off on the way to school. Yes, we were late, and yes they do this every morning. This particular morning I just got so mad, my heart rate went up, and I just yelled, " Stop taking off your shoes!! I know that toddler's are very sensitive to their parent's moods, when I'm stressed their stressed. Two days out of the week last week they went to school whiny and stressed because mommie is having a meltdown!!!
Is this anger that is unresolved about my own b.s.? or is this about someone else's behavior that I have allowed to get me worked up? The balance of equality in the work load is definitely unbalanced in my home. My A goes to work and does the normal routine, but usually I handle the bills, the cooking, most of the cleaning, the kids, and my own job. He goes out 2-3 times a week with the boys to drink or do whatever. By the time it's my turn to relax, I'm so tired I don't really go anywhere or do anything. I'm angry about that... I'm angry that all my friends have disappeared.... I'm angry that I can't afford my life... but that is no reason for me to take it out my children or the a. I just can't seem to use the skills in the face of anger, and it really bothers me.
I'm thinking anger management classes or counseling may help. I also feel the biggest hinderance for me is I have not accepted the terms in which life has presented itself to me. I had other visions for my life and my children. Living with an A was not the plan I had, and yet I love this person and want to make a family. My reality is that I may not be able to do this, I may have to eventually separate myself from this person and raise my children on my own.
Al Anon has helped me understand this disease a great deal more than I ever have, it has just been a struggle to understand my anger and deal with my emotions. I am very immature when it comes to this. My prayer is that I will grow up and handle what life throws at me with more ease and peace. Thanks for listening....
kitty said
Aug 2, 2005
I can really relate to how you are feeling!
The A in my family has run my mother & I ragged for sssooooo long - as a single adult, I have not had a date in 2 years, I never go out (or anywhere). Simply going to the store, is a big challenge for me. I've been so depressed, I just don't want to do anything. Then 3 weeks ago, I learned of my step-fathers constant infidelity over the last 15 years & I have been so raw and angry - I can hardly focus on anything.
I wake up & that's it! I am so disappointed, disillisuioned, disgusted. I suffered from the constant frustration & irritability before (I've also always been highly nervous) but now, instead of being aggravated, I just break out into tears.
My mother had a schedule like yours, with carrying the load of her household. Paying all of the bills, houework, the cooking, the laundry, the errands, walking 3 dogs individually, GC-ing construction crews & maintaing 4 empty houses that daily need watering (it's so dry & hot down here). And the A just skates on by, picking up very little slack.
I know my mother & I are still in shock over it - our world having come crashing down. The awareness of the empty illusion we thought our life was so great! Knowing that he is out there, using us for strength, while he is telling us daily, we aren't doing enough -- what did he want our very souls? Surely none of us signed up for this life with an A & I'm still fighting reality.
I didn't really enjoy my A before, always being critical & sensing his feelings of not only non-affirming (he actually ignored me, a lot) but he projected such inadequecy - you walk around wondering why you feel so inadequate all of time!
Between all of the anger I am experiencing, I'm getting flickers of hopelessness. As it is, I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform & I can never accomplish half as much as I would like - I think I frustrate myself, more than anything. I'm angry I gave myself up for someone that never ever cared. I am devastated for how he has treated us - all the while leading a double life. And now that I am refocusing on myself - I'm at a loss to even know what I really want!
Your post was lucid & clear, it sounds like you are handling things better than you may be giving yourself credit for. (I'm still just kicking myself a bit). Hang in there.
marmare said
Aug 2, 2005
I lost my temper last year with my A and was arrested for throwing a phone. I was pretty angry at the world!!!! I did anger management (voluntarily) and it helped my see the cues to my anger. I also was court ordered to do a 1 year domestic violence treatment program (WA state is strict about D.V.) at first I was angry about that too...LOL but I am glad I am doing it. I have learned so much about myself. I have learned that a lot of times I have to "check in with myself" (they call it a time out) to see what's really going on. Sometimes it seems as though I'm angry when really under the surface I may be frustrated, lonely, disappointed, overwhelmed, or just plain tired. I found when my whole life was consumed by what my A was doing OR not doing, I had little time to feel my own feelings. I say if you think anger management would help, do it. One of the little things that came out of my class was I HAD TO MAKE TIME FOR ME. It seems so simple to other people not living with an A, but it was a huge step for me to do something for myself that was different then shopping.
Hugs Mary
Sallen said
Aug 2, 2005
I know where you are coming from. My A is actually my 16 year old son and he is in, finally and again, a residential treatment program. He took off last week, returned later but in the meantime, I put on my cape and became "Psycho Mom" I thought she had gone away but boy she flew back when the stress got high!! I found myself standing in the middle of the living room about to rage at my daughter because she misplaced the remote. Reality Check, Psycho Mom!!! I attend many f2f meetings, post on lots of different boards, attend a support group for parents of teens with substance abuse issues, do tons of reading but Boy, it only takes a moment to jump right back of that hole that I took so long to dig out of. There is no guarantee that I won't be there again, but thanks to places like this and support from groups like this, I don't stay there as long, recognize it sooner and don't beat myself up for my "relapse" into the craziness. Thanks for being there.
Sue
abbyal said
Aug 2, 2005
Hello Mom, forgive yourself for lack of patience , just keep going to your meetings you will come to terms with your anger. Do u have a sponsor yet?if not find one quick. talk things out with her again and again and again til the anger is managable. Your anger is normal for our situations but our kids didn't ask to be brought into this mess. I wish that I had the oportunity to raise my children in a program but I ddnt get here til they were in thier teens. You have an oportunity to raise those kids using this program i envy you. There is nothing u can do about him but u can take time to plan your day a little better so that u are not always late. been there done that too. (hugs) When our heads are full of THEM we don't think straight, letting go of the obsession is the hardest part of this program for me.
As u start to detach from the emotional turmoil that alcohol causes in your life you will find u have much more time to devote to your well being and those of your children. If you can find a detachment pamphlet at your next meeting keep it close and do what it says and your life will bet better. I was a screamer too did it for yrs. luckily the group I ws in were really focused on repairing the damage they the non drinker had caused thier children. I learned to stop screeming and enjoy my sons, play, you only get to do this once. Supper can wait !!
Change the things u can , you and your attitude. I made up my own Just For Today's
Just for today I will enjoy my children.
Just for today i will not holler at them .
Just for today I will play and enjoy my children. may sound crazy but if I said them out loud every morning they kept me focused. Ask the God of your understanding for help , he is a great baby sitter too.
What u don't need is anything more to feel guilty about. so relax enjoy and keep going to meetings . Love louise
Jill said
Aug 2, 2005
Thank you AbbyLouise I'm going to adapt your Just for Todays for my a. Just for today I'm not going to holler at my a. Just for today, I'm going to enjoy my a (unless it just won't work, then I'll do something else I enjoy).
Well I'm going to do that about my job, too. Just for today I'm not going to have turmoil about work. Just for today, I'm going to enjoy my coworkers and some aspect of work.
I'm going to enjoy my day. I hope the rest of you do, too. Jill
I'm sure all of us go through these time with our A when we have just had enough of their bull and get so completly angry at them, the kids, ourselves, and the world. In the last couple of weeks I've noticed that I have some unchecked anger. I find myself really getting bent out of shape over small things that the children do, or getting extremely irrate over the idiosyncries my A has always had.
I really scared myself the other day last week when I got so angry at my toddler's for taking their shoes off on the way to school. Yes, we were late, and yes they do this every morning. This particular morning I just got so mad, my heart rate went up, and I just yelled, " Stop taking off your shoes!! I know that toddler's are very sensitive to their parent's moods, when I'm stressed their stressed. Two days out of the week last week they went to school whiny and stressed because mommie is having a meltdown!!!
Is this anger that is unresolved about my own b.s.? or is this about someone else's behavior that I have allowed to get me worked up? The balance of equality in the work load is definitely unbalanced in my home. My A goes to work and does the normal routine, but usually I handle the bills, the cooking, most of the cleaning, the kids, and my own job. He goes out 2-3 times a week with the boys to drink or do whatever. By the time it's my turn to relax, I'm so tired I don't really go anywhere or do anything. I'm angry about that... I'm angry that all my friends have disappeared.... I'm angry that I can't afford my life... but that is no reason for me to take it out my children or the a. I just can't seem to use the skills in the face of anger, and it really bothers me.
I'm thinking anger management classes or counseling may help. I also feel the biggest hinderance for me is I have not accepted the terms in which life has presented itself to me. I had other visions for my life and my children. Living with an A was not the plan I had, and yet I love this person and want to make a family. My reality is that I may not be able to do this, I may have to eventually separate myself from this person and raise my children on my own.
Al Anon has helped me understand this disease a great deal more than I ever have, it has just been a struggle to understand my anger and deal with my emotions. I am very immature when it comes to this. My prayer is that I will grow up and handle what life throws at me with more ease and peace. Thanks for listening....
I can really relate to how you are feeling!
The A in my family has run my mother & I ragged for sssooooo long - as a single adult, I have not had a date in 2 years, I never go out (or anywhere). Simply going to the store, is a big challenge for me. I've been so depressed, I just don't want to do anything. Then 3 weeks ago, I learned of my step-fathers constant infidelity over the last 15 years & I have been so raw and angry - I can hardly focus on anything.
I wake up & that's it! I am so disappointed, disillisuioned, disgusted. I suffered from the constant frustration & irritability before (I've also always been highly nervous) but now, instead of being aggravated, I just break out into tears.
My mother had a schedule like yours, with carrying the load of her household. Paying all of the bills, houework, the cooking, the laundry, the errands, walking 3 dogs individually, GC-ing construction crews & maintaing 4 empty houses that daily need watering (it's so dry & hot down here). And the A just skates on by, picking up very little slack.
I know my mother & I are still in shock over it - our world having come crashing down. The awareness of the empty illusion we thought our life was so great! Knowing that he is out there, using us for strength, while he is telling us daily, we aren't doing enough -- what did he want our very souls? Surely none of us signed up for this life with an A & I'm still fighting reality.
I didn't really enjoy my A before, always being critical & sensing his feelings of not only non-affirming (he actually ignored me, a lot) but he projected such inadequecy - you walk around wondering why you feel so inadequate all of time!
Between all of the anger I am experiencing, I'm getting flickers of hopelessness. As it is, I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform & I can never accomplish half as much as I would like - I think I frustrate myself, more than anything. I'm angry I gave myself up for someone that never ever cared. I am devastated for how he has treated us - all the while leading a double life. And now that I am refocusing on myself - I'm at a loss to even know what I really want!
Your post was lucid & clear, it sounds like you are handling things better than you may be giving yourself credit for. (I'm still just kicking myself a bit). Hang in there.
I lost my temper last year with my A and was arrested for throwing a phone. I was pretty angry at the world!!!! I did anger management (voluntarily) and it helped my see the cues to my anger. I also was court ordered to do a 1 year domestic violence treatment program (WA state is strict about D.V.) at first I was angry about that too...LOL but I am glad I am doing it. I have learned so much about myself. I have learned that a lot of times I have to "check in with myself" (they call it a time out) to see what's really going on. Sometimes it seems as though I'm angry when really under the surface I may be frustrated, lonely, disappointed, overwhelmed, or just plain tired. I found when my whole life was consumed by what my A was doing OR not doing, I had little time to feel my own feelings. I say if you think anger management would help, do it. One of the little things that came out of my class was I HAD TO MAKE TIME FOR ME. It seems so simple to other people not living with an A, but it was a huge step for me to do something for myself that was different then shopping.
Hugs Mary
I know where you are coming from. My A is actually my 16 year old son and he is in, finally and again, a residential treatment program. He took off last week, returned later but in the meantime, I put on my cape and became "Psycho Mom" I thought she had gone away but boy she flew back when the stress got high!! I found myself standing in the middle of the living room about to rage at my daughter because she misplaced the remote. Reality Check, Psycho Mom!!! I attend many f2f meetings, post on lots of different boards, attend a support group for parents of teens with substance abuse issues, do tons of reading but Boy, it only takes a moment to jump right back of that hole that I took so long to dig out of. There is no guarantee that I won't be there again, but thanks to places like this and support from groups like this, I don't stay there as long, recognize it sooner and don't beat myself up for my "relapse" into the craziness. Thanks for being there.
Sue
Hello Mom, forgive yourself for lack of patience , just keep going to your meetings you will come to terms with your anger. Do u have a sponsor yet?if not find one quick. talk things out with her again and again and again til the anger is managable. Your anger is normal for our situations but our kids didn't ask to be brought into this mess. I wish that I had the oportunity to raise my children in a program but I ddnt get here til they were in thier teens. You have an oportunity to raise those kids using this program i envy you. There is nothing u can do about him but u can take time to plan your day a little better so that u are not always late. been there done that too. (hugs) When our heads are full of THEM we don't think straight, letting go of the obsession is the hardest part of this program for me.
As u start to detach from the emotional turmoil that alcohol causes in your life you will find u have much more time to devote to your well being and those of your children. If you can find a detachment pamphlet at your next meeting keep it close and do what it says and your life will bet better. I was a screamer too did it for yrs. luckily the group I ws in were really focused on repairing the damage they the non drinker had caused thier children. I learned to stop screeming and enjoy my sons, play, you only get to do this once. Supper can wait !!
Change the things u can , you and your attitude. I made up my own Just For Today's
Just for today I will enjoy my children.
Just for today i will not holler at them .
Just for today I will play and enjoy my children. may sound crazy but if I said them out loud every morning they kept me focused. Ask the God of your understanding for help , he is a great baby sitter too.
What u don't need is anything more to feel guilty about. so relax enjoy and keep going to meetings . Love louise
Thank you AbbyLouise I'm going to adapt your Just for Todays for my a. Just for today I'm not going to holler at my a. Just for today, I'm going to enjoy my a (unless it just won't work, then I'll do something else I enjoy).
Well I'm going to do that about my job, too. Just for today I'm not going to have turmoil about work. Just for today, I'm going to enjoy my coworkers and some aspect of work.
I'm going to enjoy my day. I hope the rest of you do, too. Jill