I have now been separated from my A for about 5 or 6 weeks. I can actually see the difference in him for he is getting better. But I am not. I still feel stressed when I see him. Or maybe I just still see the hurt he did to me. He is trying to be honest of all the stuff he did (behind my back) but I don’t know if he is telling “all”. I have come to find out he would drink about 12 to 14 beers a night when he was out plus the cocaine which I had found out on my own. He told me a couple of weeks ago all about the coke use, so I thought, and then yesterday he admitted even when we went out, he would slip into a bathroom and do a line. That really hurt me. Was I that stupid? But the hardest thing that bothers me, when I had asked for the truth a couple of weeks ago, he didn’t let me in on this, so know I am back to thinking what else do I not know? Is he just trying to tell me bits and pieces to see how much I can take at one time? We started going to a marriage counselor but it was not going the way he wanted (thought the counselor was not doing anything for me since she agreed I needed space and time) so he cut that off before I knew it. He has said he has quit the cocaine but still has a beer or two. So once again I don’t know what to believe anymore. I am struggling with will I ever be able to love him again for all he has done to me? I do not think I can ever trust again. For if I did, and it went back to “chaos”, what kind of fool would I be again. Is that selfish of me?

He went to church the other day and was really excited about it all. I hope this is real. I am not a really religious person but this may the answer for him. But the odd thing is, I am not understanding my A’s thinking, is that since he did not “CHEAT” on me I should be able to forgive everything in God’s eyes. I truly believe that is what he thinks and I, on the other hand does not think God thinks out of control drinking and drug use and not bothering to come home is okay.

I still think I will never get over when he did not even bother to come home when my daughter’s baby died, drinking and drugs were more important at that moment. I have all that bottled up inside and had no one to be there for me, for I had to be strong for my daughter, her fiancé, my son, my own parents and all concern and all I wanted was someone to be able to come home to and have someone to be there for me. I ached for that. So I guess I just don’t know if I could ever look at my husband the same again. I do think he does look back and has said, what have I done to you? He knows he can never fix that, but I don’t think I will ever forgive that. I guess I felt, it was bad enough you were doing this to me, but know it has spilled over into my family.

I know I am rambling but I am so confused, I need to know, can people ever get over what the alcoholic/drug user does to them? I just don’t know if I can or maybe I am just afraid of it happening all over again and do I really what to take that chance???

I think that we have to learn to forgive, because it is not good for us to carry all that around with us. However, whether that forgiveness translates into ever trusting the A again, well, that depends. It depends on you, it depends on him, and it takes time. Personally I would not rush it, and pretend to be over it when I was not. Let him go for the moment, don't worry too much about what he does or does not do. Focus on yourself, find your part in what has gone wrong, so you can change it, and spend some time thinking about and doing what YOU want. Just because he doesn't want to see a counsellour, doesn't mean you can't, if it helps you sort things out. For me, once I understood what was behind all his lies (spiritual emptiness and non -existent self esteem, who knew?) it was easier for me to forgive them. Reading about his disease, and maybe going to a few open AA or CA meetings, could be helpful. My husband is a crack addict, and for him this was very very hard to kick, much harder than alcohol. I hope your husband gets and stays clean, but even if he doesn't there is recovery out there for you. Keep coming back.

What helped me in getting past the anger and hurt was replacing the words "what he did to me" to "what he did to himself", because really they are not doing it TO us.  They have a disease, a problem that is out of control.  Even when they find sobriety they still have to work every single day, sometimes every single minute, to keep that sobriety.  For all the times my hubby got drunk and spewed vile ugly words at me, or wasn't there when I needed his emotional support... I know it hurt him more than it ever could hurt me.  I have seen the look of shame and guilt and despair in his eyes the morning after.  That is his burden to carry, not mine.  Also, since being in alanon I have come to see that I was expecting rational mature thinking and behavior from a person who simply wasn't capable of that due to his disease.  It was like expecting a baby to get up and run when they haven't even mastered walking or sitting up yet.  The more I looked at myself, my part, my reactions, my thinking, my attitudes.... the better I got.  The more understanding I got.  And the better my relationship with hubby got.  I don't think in terms of "forgiving him" anymore...rather, I think in terms of forgiving myself for how I was and continuing to learn how to live a healthy, happy, balanced life regardless of whether he is drinking or not. 

Hello Becka,

My experience is with my 21 year old daughter. There were so many lies and hurt from her too for many years. I never will look at her the same as before since time changes all of us and all of us change over time. That doesn't mean that I cannot look at her with more love and compassion as before either. It works for me to try and stay in the moment and in today and try to take care of me. I have heard some say that alcohol/drugs is their love affair and a kind of cheating. My daughter once told her one boyfriend that she loved alcohol more than him.  I think she did at the time. It is the disease. My daughter went to church right away too in the beginning but it didn't last. A friend of mine says to Watch The Behavior which is so true. Another saying I remember hearing throughout my life is actions speak louder than words. So true in my life now a days. The problem for me is I have become numb to noticing my daughter's actions since alcoholism is a family disease and we also go into some kind of denial. I actually couldn't smell alcohol on her anymore. I still can't figure that one out since I have such a keen sense of smell. I guess that is an example of how strong denial can be. My daughter is still suffering the consequences of her alcoholic/drug addicted behavior. The alcoholic needs to own up to what they did and work on changing themselves to show us that what they say is what they mean. It doensn't happen in a short time either. Healing and regaining trust takes time. Even time to heal and trust ourselves again too. For me that is a reality. How can they expect us to just snap our fingers and make all the things we experienced go away and be gone? It doesn't work that way for me. Watch the behavior. That is sure a powerful thing for me with my daughter.  Keep posting and taking care of you. your friend in recovery cdb :)

HI Becka, It does take time to trully forgive.  It is vvery hard to trust someone who lies to you.  You have to remember that the lies are part of the illness.  I know that doesn't help when they affect you like they do...  Also , do you think maybe you are not wanting to forgive??  Who can blame you there?  Anger does drag you down, I know this.  It can be so consuming...  Maybe too, you are worried that if you A thinks he is forgiven he can waltz back into your life?  I dunno....just a thought....Take care, Mamasan

I can really, really relate to the situation you find yourself in. I find it difficult to believe anything he says because there has been nothing but lying & denying for so long. And then there's the carefully meted out bits of truth. It's very hard.

Don't think for a moment that thinking of yourself is selfish. You have to take care of yourself or you won't be able to care for others.

Take the time you need to step back a bit. You don't have to make any final choices right now. You deserve to indulge yourself a bit -- you know he is.