I was philosophical at first but I guess the reality of my life is setting in. I knew my step dad had a drinking problem but to find out he lacks any of the character traits I value - I mean I knew in business people lie & "lay on the charm, shmooze" -- having no idea that he truly has no honor whatsoever, that he is a despicable person.
This is so very difficult for me, to find that the great family unit I had was an illusion - that they dead weight was all one-sided. I am grateful the uber feelings of guilt & doubt have been erradicated. But now, my anger is so intense & I feel there is little I can even do about it. He's not my husband to rip to shreds - cause if he were my husband, I think i would go tasmanian devil on him! Part of me, feels like I still have no right to even be angry - what mental masturbation! I am beginning to feel like I just want to run - like I did as a teen. Get in my car & drive away & never look back but I don't really want that, just to feel like that, freedom of escape.
Truly I have no right to say anything to either one of my parents. Still I am finding it difficult to concentrate, I feel like a big wind bag.
kitty said
Jul 31, 2005
I wish I knew what to do - praying does help but I still can't stop thinking about it. I am trying to plug into myself more, little by little. It's human to be hard on yourself or critisize (is't it? - maybe not, perhaps it's sickly co-dependent).
I still don't understand addicts/alcoholics -- even when I try to escape, I cannot stop my inner voice, whether I drink or not, God still talks to me - at least I know, I am never alone when I am by myself. I couldn't stop crying yesterday - I did come to the on-line meeting, I cryed throughout it, I could hardly see! It was nice to be in a meeting & be able to lose it & blow my nose & no one was subjected to hearing me & I suffered no embarrassment.
My poor cats are trying to comfort me, sweet little angels!
cdb said
Jul 31, 2005
Hello kitty,
I am so sorry I couldn't be of more help to you in the room. It sometimes takes me awhile to remember each person's situation with so many members here. (((((((((Kitty)))))) I will go into pm with you anytime you need to talk. The room gets so busy and there are so many different conversations at once. I really feel for you kitty and your mom too. I wonder if your step-dad had other character defects too along with alcoholism/drug addiction. Who knows? Alanon will help you but it takes time and babysteps.
I just found out that my daughter's boyfriend lied about many things to us and her this week. He lied about being in Iraq and trying to save his brother-in-law while he died. He lied about being married at 17 to an alcoholic wife. I have no idea what compels a person to do this! This guy is only 21! He may be like this the rest of his life too. Who knows? Why was I fooled by this boyfriend of hers and why did I believe what he said was true and didn't second guess it? This is not near what your situation is but it sure hits home with me somewhat as to a tiny bit of the betrayal you may be feeling now.
Keep on posting how you feel and whatever you need to kitty. It sure helped me out when I first joined. your friend in recovery, cdb
kathy570 said
Jul 31, 2005
Sun July 31
Dear Kitty,
My mother & her husband are both dry drunks - they don't drink buy nothing else changed in them. This man drives me NUTS.He is a one man control force & my mother takes his crap. She used to come to my place for a few day visit and compain about how he treats her. I would get all upset and try to hlp here. The she would go back & act as if nothing was said. She drives me crazy !!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I am learning that there is nothing I can do except tell her I do not want to listen to anymore talk about him because it really upsets me. When she forgets that I remind her right away. It is hard to understand people in general let alone the mind & insanity of alcoholism. I am a recovering A, I know. I was totaling insane when it came to listening to people.
It is a horrid disease but we must keep the focus on ourselves becasue that is all we have. Pray & keep coming back.
God Bless you & yours
Yours in Recovery
Kathy570
cdb said
Aug 1, 2005
I am still thinking of you kitty. ((((((Hugs)))) Keep us posted on how you are doing. cdb :)
I was philosophical at first but I guess the reality of my life is setting in. I knew my step dad had a drinking problem but to find out he lacks any of the character traits I value - I mean I knew in business people lie & "lay on the charm, shmooze" -- having no idea that he truly has no honor whatsoever, that he is a despicable person.
This is so very difficult for me, to find that the great family unit I had was an illusion - that they dead weight was all one-sided. I am grateful the uber feelings of guilt & doubt have been erradicated. But now, my anger is so intense & I feel there is little I can even do about it. He's not my husband to rip to shreds - cause if he were my husband, I think i would go tasmanian devil on him! Part of me, feels like I still have no right to even be angry - what mental masturbation! I am beginning to feel like I just want to run - like I did as a teen. Get in my car & drive away & never look back but I don't really want that, just to feel like that, freedom of escape.
Truly I have no right to say anything to either one of my parents. Still I am finding it difficult to concentrate, I feel like a big wind bag.
I wish I knew what to do - praying does help but I still can't stop thinking about it. I am trying to plug into myself more, little by little. It's human to be hard on yourself or critisize (is't it? - maybe not, perhaps it's sickly co-dependent).
I still don't understand addicts/alcoholics -- even when I try to escape, I cannot stop my inner voice, whether I drink or not, God still talks to me - at least I know, I am never alone when I am by myself. I couldn't stop crying yesterday - I did come to the on-line meeting, I cryed throughout it, I could hardly see! It was nice to be in a meeting & be able to lose it & blow my nose & no one was subjected to hearing me & I suffered no embarrassment.
My poor cats are trying to comfort me, sweet little angels!
Hello kitty,
I am so sorry I couldn't be of more help to you in the room. It sometimes takes me awhile to remember each person's situation with so many members here. (((((((((Kitty)))))) I will go into pm with you anytime you need to talk. The room gets so busy and there are so many different conversations at once. I really feel for you kitty and your mom too. I wonder if your step-dad had other character defects too along with alcoholism/drug addiction. Who knows? Alanon will help you but it takes time and babysteps.
I just found out that my daughter's boyfriend lied about many things to us and her this week. He lied about being in Iraq and trying to save his brother-in-law while he died. He lied about being married at 17 to an alcoholic wife. I have no idea what compels a person to do this! This guy is only 21! He may be like this the rest of his life too. Who knows? Why was I fooled by this boyfriend of hers and why did I believe what he said was true and didn't second guess it? This is not near what your situation is but it sure hits home with me somewhat as to a tiny bit of the betrayal you may be feeling now.
Keep on posting how you feel and whatever you need to kitty. It sure helped me out when I first joined. your friend in recovery, cdb
Sun July 31
Dear Kitty,
My mother & her husband are both dry drunks - they don't drink buy nothing else changed in them. This man drives me NUTS.He is a one man control force & my mother takes his crap. She used to come to my place for a few day visit and compain about how he treats her. I would get all upset and try to hlp here. The she would go back & act as if nothing was said. She drives me crazy !!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I am learning that there is nothing I can do except tell her I do not want to listen to anymore talk about him because it really upsets me. When she forgets that I remind her right away. It is hard to understand people in general let alone the mind & insanity of alcoholism. I am a recovering A, I know. I was totaling insane when it came to listening to people.
It is a horrid disease but we must keep the focus on ourselves becasue that is all we have. Pray & keep coming back.
God Bless you & yours
Yours in Recovery
Kathy570