I am at a loss to see how there can be anything substantive between us. He completely bamboozled me for years. I am not ready to put myself in that position again. Maybe I never will be.
It wasn’t easy for me to surrender myself to a man, to love. And now – it may be impossible. I may not have enough life left in this lifetime to get back to such a place of innocence and trust again.
He doesn’t care about me. He never really was there in that place where I was. I was wrong about him, wrong about us – wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong.
I want to grieve, to cry and feel catharsis. But part of me is afraid that if I cry, I will have to really, really admit to myself that I have lost everything. And while what I had was merely an illusion, it is all I have known for these 26 years.
I am afraid that there is not enough living left for me in this lifetime to get back to a place where I could trust ANYONE enough to be loving again.
I am afraid that once I take my own emotional inventory, I am going to discover that all the tenderness and spontaneity and joy in me is locked away in a distant memory maze that I have no idea how to solve.
I am afraid that I will never again be the fun-loving and happy person the that I remember being. I'm afraid that I will never know her again.
I am afraid that if I leave my life will be a sterile, joyless hell.
I am afraid that at almost 60 years old, I will not have the strength to lift off the veil of drudgery and depression that seems to be tossed over my entire world.
Everything seems so easy for him. I am afraid that life really isn't fair.
mom to 2 said
Jul 30, 2005
Dove,
You write that "everything is easy for him." Sometimes I feel that way too but I think things are way harder for them than we imagine. Please, don't think I excuse the behavior because I do not. They are unable to live with themselves without being drunk or high and that's got to be anything but easy. That being said, we suffer through the pain sober. That's not easy either.
Keep up the work, stick with alanon. Bless you.
mom to2
sanddie said
Jul 30, 2005
I know when there is so much pain it is so much easier to focus on the negative aspects and how devastating everything is, but something you should keep in mind is that you have SURVIVED all these years--- which means you are already strong. To have lived a life for so many years takes a great deal of strength. You have the ability to do whatever it is you want to do---- Your life is not based on the person you were with because you are your own individual with special qualities all of your own. NOBODY can take that away from you, but YOU. I know how easily you lose yourself when involved with someone who seems to zap your strength and energy and ultimately have you question yourself. However, WE still have choices and our life can begin at any moment. You indicate you fear after all these years to admit feelings--- the fact that you are acknowledging them shows a great deal of strength and acceptance already so you are half way there. Find yourself a support system of friends, family (if they are supportive), church members or whoever else is positive in your life to help you through as you unveil so many emotions you've suppressed for so long. Healing can ONLY begin once you feel those feelings and learn to comfort yourself.
My prayers are with you for strength and peace..... Take Care!
kitty said
Jul 30, 2005
Like sanddie said, you've already proved that you are incredibly strong & nothing about your truly is based on another person. She mentioned changes in moments ~ we talk about all the time! (In a moment we can wake up & be laughing, in a moment we can change).
Maybe it only feels so scary because you haven't really faced your deep feelings in a while. I know how tenderly loving you are, how considerate & thoughtful you are about every little thing; your love is powerful & profound. I see it when you create food, prune & water plants, care for your animals ~ you have all that and more. (Like in my post today - trying to actualize the divine human God created me) --> sometimes we can't see how amazing we are. Or maybe being martyrs, we just put ourselves down.
I aspire to be anything like you (i've told you this before, maybe you don't really hear me) but I look to you as a model for loving. Whatever it is that I know about love, I learned from you first: I hope to be like you when I grow up. I would sacrifice for myself in an instant for you~ God has saved me to be here, now. Your intrinsic love is magical to me.
It crushes me to see you hurting ~ there is nothing I can do but offer love & supoport back, as you have unfailingly done for me. I am sorry for being hopeless & giving up over the years and not being able to be stronger. It was a killer seeing you so numb.
If anything seems easy for the A, it is because he hasn't taken the first yet. He ought to be leveled in contrition at that point - he's just in denial. If we could beat him to make him realize, you know, we would have already done that. Everyone must have realisations on their own & thank God for that freedom of choice!
You know I love you with all of my being (that's partially why I'm so angry at him! to hurt the one I love!) & surely your beautiful dogs couldn't survive a day without you (they can't stand it when you leave the room).
Hang in there, keep stirring up feelings, sacrificing yourself for someone else is never worth it. Some days will be better than others. I love you. -k
Maria123 said
Jul 31, 2005
Dove,
I highly recommend the following book.
How to Survive the Loss of a Love (Mass Market Paperback) by Peter McWilliams, Harold H. Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove
It will truly help you grieve (even if you stay with your loved one). It is a book of poems that will make you laugh and cry, get angry and then know that you can keep on keeping on. I have recommended this book many times and the reviews that I get back are top notch.
Maria123
debilyn said
Jul 31, 2005
Dove, hug first, many of us here are in our fifties and sixties. Seems that is probably w
when the A starts to go into a stage of illness even harder to cope with, and we are
getting where we refuse to take any more crap in our lives.
First i just wrote a post a lot like yours a few months ago. You and my circumstances
are a lot the same.
I was told, they love and care as much as they can. To them it is enough and
probably a whole lot. They need us much more than we need them. They are
terribly ill. Mentally as well as physically and it is not going to get any better.
I, after taking everything here to heart, and listening to my own heart, realized again\
I cannot expect anything, not anything from the A. For me all I can do is love him.
Taking 100% care of me and my farm. He has no part in it anymore. When he
used to come home for awhile I would catch him out feeding or grooming someone.
I know he loves the animals. I saw it, felt it.But there were times when he
used he would not think twice about them and say I had too many.
Many he rescued!
I know the A's deeply love us. There are times it comes out and surprises us. For me
I cherish this. I wrote here, the only time I feel at home is when he holds me. It
is true.
Planning to go to counseling to "get over that" as I am having constant nightmares
now.
I know I am ok by myself. But been terribly lonely. We moved a ways from where
our friends and family are. So here i am stuck. It is beautiful place, don't get me wroing
but i have not talked to anyone since last Monday.And it was just a hi goodbye.
It is up to you to think of your life as an illusion or a precious time.Think about the
good stuff. It really is ok. It was not wasted time.
Please excuse my typing. i have horrid arthritis in my darn hands.
Yes!!! You will be that person again I promise!! I lost my passion too!! Scared me to
death. I had no hopes no dreams, did not care if I planted a flower!! And I need
flowers like food! Did not care if I got another rescue or pet. That is when I
know I am sick...
Alanon skills will help you. Say the serenity prayer over and over and put your life
in it. I say everything is ok over and over. I say stop it in my head when i have
negative worthless thoughts and put in everything is ok.
It is ok to think of the positive and ignore the negative If you believe the Bible at
all you know where ALL the bad comes from anyway. So who needs it?
Just rest, read, "Getting Them Sober". You can get this book online in the book store.
courage to change, one day at time, come here, meetings here, chat here.
Private talking in chat, private messaging here.
It all works.I have been here so many years now. I will get feeling very good then
bam!! The disease slaps me down and the wonderful brothers and sisters here pull
me back up and remind me of alllll the slogans and allll the steps, everything.\
One day at a time. Do you live with your A? Did he cheat or something??
You never said what got you so upset. If you want to private message me.
We care about you and your A. He is very sick. Sounds like you love him. You don't
have to stop or go away. IF you want to stay alanon can teach ya how to do it and be
happy and ok.
All marriages have bumps!! Just alcoholic bumps are so insane!!
love,debilyn
kathy570 said
Jul 31, 2005
Sun July 31
Dear Dove,
God Bless you. I have seen many women older & not as strong as you survive through this disease. MANY.....
You are strong. You have a right to grieve that marraige that is lost ( the one you thought you had as many of us did & do ). Keep going to meeting & know that you are in all of our Prayers.
I am at a loss to see how there can be anything substantive between us. He completely bamboozled me for years. I am not ready to put myself in that position again. Maybe I never will be.
It wasn’t easy for me to surrender myself to a man, to love. And now – it may be impossible. I may not have enough life left in this lifetime to get back to such a place of innocence and trust again.
He doesn’t care about me. He never really was there in that place where I was. I was wrong about him, wrong about us – wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong.
I want to grieve, to cry and feel catharsis. But part of me is afraid that if I cry, I will have to really, really admit to myself that I have lost everything. And while what I had was merely an illusion, it is all I have known for these 26 years.
I am afraid that there is not enough living left for me in this lifetime to get back to a place where I could trust ANYONE enough to be loving again.
I am afraid that once I take my own emotional inventory, I am going to discover that all the tenderness and spontaneity and joy in me is locked away in a distant memory maze that I have no idea how to solve.
I am afraid that I will never again be the fun-loving and happy person the that I remember being. I'm afraid that I will never know her again.
I am afraid that if I leave my life will be a sterile, joyless hell.
I am afraid that at almost 60 years old, I will not have the strength to lift off the veil of drudgery and depression that seems to be tossed over my entire world.
Everything seems so easy for him. I am afraid that life really isn't fair.
Dove,
You write that "everything is easy for him." Sometimes I feel that way too but I think things are way harder for them than we imagine. Please, don't think I excuse the behavior because I do not. They are unable to live with themselves without being drunk or high and that's got to be anything but easy. That being said, we suffer through the pain sober. That's not easy either.
Keep up the work, stick with alanon. Bless you.
mom to2
I know when there is so much pain it is so much easier to focus on the negative aspects and how devastating everything is, but something you should keep in mind is that you have SURVIVED all these years--- which means you are already strong. To have lived a life for so many years takes a great deal of strength. You have the ability to do whatever it is you want to do---- Your life is not based on the person you were with because you are your own individual with special qualities all of your own. NOBODY can take that away from you, but YOU. I know how easily you lose yourself when involved with someone who seems to zap your strength and energy and ultimately have you question yourself. However, WE still have choices and our life can begin at any moment. You indicate you fear after all these years to admit feelings--- the fact that you are acknowledging them shows a great deal of strength and acceptance already so you are half way there. Find yourself a support system of friends, family (if they are supportive), church members or whoever else is positive in your life to help you through as you unveil so many emotions you've suppressed for so long. Healing can ONLY begin once you feel those feelings and learn to comfort yourself.
My prayers are with you for strength and peace..... Take Care!
Like sanddie said, you've already proved that you are incredibly strong & nothing about your truly is based on another person. She mentioned changes in moments ~ we talk about all the time! (In a moment we can wake up & be laughing, in a moment we can change).
Maybe it only feels so scary because you haven't really faced your deep feelings in a while. I know how tenderly loving you are, how considerate & thoughtful you are about every little thing; your love is powerful & profound. I see it when you create food, prune & water plants, care for your animals ~ you have all that and more. (Like in my post today - trying to actualize the divine human God created me) --> sometimes we can't see how amazing we are. Or maybe being martyrs, we just put ourselves down.
I aspire to be anything like you (i've told you this before, maybe you don't really hear me) but I look to you as a model for loving. Whatever it is that I know about love, I learned from you first: I hope to be like you when I grow up. I would sacrifice for myself in an instant for you~ God has saved me to be here, now. Your intrinsic love is magical to me.
It crushes me to see you hurting ~ there is nothing I can do but offer love & supoport back, as you have unfailingly done for me. I am sorry for being hopeless & giving up over the years and not being able to be stronger. It was a killer seeing you so numb.
If anything seems easy for the A, it is because he hasn't taken the first yet. He ought to be leveled in contrition at that point - he's just in denial. If we could beat him to make him realize, you know, we would have already done that. Everyone must have realisations on their own & thank God for that freedom of choice!
You know I love you with all of my being (that's partially why I'm so angry at him! to hurt the one I love!) & surely your beautiful dogs couldn't survive a day without you (they can't stand it when you leave the room).
Hang in there, keep stirring up feelings, sacrificing yourself for someone else is never worth it. Some days will be better than others. I love you. -k
Dove,
I highly recommend the following book.
How to Survive the Loss of a Love (Mass Market Paperback)by Peter McWilliams, Harold H. Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove
It will truly help you grieve (even if you stay with your loved one). It is a book of poems that will make you laugh and cry, get angry and then know that you can keep on keeping on. I have recommended this book many times and the reviews that I get back are top notch. Maria123
Sun July 31
Dear Dove,
God Bless you. I have seen many women older & not as strong as you survive through this disease. MANY.....
You are strong. You have a right to grieve that marraige that is lost ( the one you thought you had as many of us did & do ). Keep going to meeting & know that you are in all of our Prayers.
Yours in Recovery
Kathy570