Okay so I started freaking myself out about money, this is the day I write the check for the mortgage, he usually deposits his check around 4:30 or 5, I called the automated line and there was no deposit. The "what if game" started playing in my head.....deep breaths, let go let God....then it would start all over again. I tried calling his cell, no answer, I didn't leave a message. He called me back.
He started to apologize, but that is a boundary that I have stuck to...."no apology accepted if it is connected to drugs and/or alcohol" He said that he wanted to come home tonight, (I want to believe him but.....) he doesn't know why he does what he does. (I know but didn't say anything) I told him that I will work on me, staying off his back, not nagging, just taking care of me. I asked him if he loved me, he said of course he does. I said to him very quietly....."I want you to find peace." I went on to say that I will find my peace within myself.
He didn't make it to work, overslept at a friend's house. (I always know where he ends up if he doesn't come home, his buddy’s dad's house) Funny how he just told me last week that his definition of an alcoholic is like this.....alcoholics’ drink 4 or 5 times week and they don't go to work everyday. (Hmmmmm he has never missed work due to his drinking until this month, he has missed two days)
So, I am off to go home. I will not fight or confront. If I am feeling that my emotions are not safe then I will leave and go to my girlfriends. Is it crazy to love someone with this disease? I do love him, I have always said I can't imagine waking up without him there, I know now however that if he's not there I will be fine, I have even learned how to sleep when he is not there.
Thank you HP for these blessings.....this board, where I feel that people really understand me. Your strength, which helps me to stay focused when focusing is so very hard. For my friends that love me and sometimes just listen to me cry on the phone. For my family, that loves me no matter how crazy and insane my life seems at times. For my four sons, who love me just the way I am.
Hugs Mary
kitty said
Jul 29, 2005
wow mary, your strength is inspirational & it gives me hope. I am proud of you too
LLPluv said
Jul 30, 2005
---Mary---
I will have to agree with kitty you have some incredible strength. I can't even speak to my A without feeling the resentments surfacing. I can't even be in the same room as him.
I hope someday I will be at peace enough that I can handle it the way you are.
I hope your night goes well and you feel no storms within have a peaceful sleep.
Okay so I started freaking myself out about money, this is the day I write the check for the mortgage, he usually deposits his check around 4:30 or 5, I called the automated line and there was no deposit. The "what if game" started playing in my head.....deep breaths, let go let God....then it would start all over again. I tried calling his cell, no answer, I didn't leave a message. He called me back.
He started to apologize, but that is a boundary that I have stuck to...."no apology accepted if it is connected to drugs and/or alcohol" He said that he wanted to come home tonight, (I want to believe him but.....) he doesn't know why he does what he does. (I know but didn't say anything) I told him that I will work on me, staying off his back, not nagging, just taking care of me. I asked him if he loved me, he said of course he does. I said to him very quietly....."I want you to find peace." I went on to say that I will find my peace within myself.
He didn't make it to work, overslept at a friend's house. (I always know where he ends up if he doesn't come home, his buddy’s dad's house) Funny how he just told me last week that his definition of an alcoholic is like this.....alcoholics’ drink 4 or 5 times week and they don't go to work everyday. (Hmmmmm he has never missed work due to his drinking until this month, he has missed two days)
So, I am off to go home. I will not fight or confront. If I am feeling that my emotions are not safe then I will leave and go to my girlfriends. Is it crazy to love someone with this disease? I do love him, I have always said I can't imagine waking up without him there, I know now however that if he's not there I will be fine, I have even learned how to sleep when he is not there.
Thank you HP for these blessings.....this board, where I feel that people really understand me. Your strength, which helps me to stay focused when focusing is so very hard. For my friends that love me and sometimes just listen to me cry on the phone. For my family, that loves me no matter how crazy and insane my life seems at times. For my four sons, who love me just the way I am.
Hugs Mary
Keep working your program!!!! Your doing great!