My A got out of detox couple of weeks ago now.  Has been attending 4 day/week, 4 hour/day group therapy sessions.  And he is just miserable.  Angry at the world.  He is suppose to start individual counselling Aug 15th but don't think he will make it until then.  So many issues have just recently started to surface re his child sexual abuse and don't think he can handle them sober.  He called me at work today and told me how much trouble he is having.  Really wants a vicodan or valium.  He can't stand himself this way.  I told him to find an AA meeting, call victims assistance to see if he can get a counsellor there sooner than through his alcohol treatment facility, or read the highlighted parts of book I just finished re child sexual abuse to start working his issues.  He, of course, could also call counsellors at outpatient treatment and talk to someone.  Think he has been going to groups and not letting on about difficulties he is having.  He said he was going to call outpatient counsellor and talk to someone.  I hope he does something, anything but drink or drug.  I know I can't control his recovery (if he is even going to have one) but I am just so frustrated.  So hard to detach when you love someone so much and of course no matter how hard you try to deny it what happens with them is gonna affect your life.  Just venting.

Hello Lebe, denial is not what detachment means to me.  You said it yourself this is his trip he has all kinds of resorses to help him gt thru this rough time. You did the right thing by suggesting he try and AA meeting and let it go.

I hope u are going to meetings for yourself Al-Anon will make this difficult time much easier for you as u are reminded what is yours to fix and what we have to leave alone.  You are not responsible for keeping him sober any more than u were the reason he drank.  Hang in there I know it's tough , your hsb is in what I lovingly call Stark Raving Sober Mode and it ain't pretty.

So don't tke on his problem give him a hug and support him . and take care of you . Check our literature for suggestions on sobriety that will help you and him alot.  good luck  Louise  and remember that This Too Shall Pass.  

So familiar - he goes for help, and then will not tell the people who are supposed to be halping him what the problem is! My A was having some real problems in early recovery; when I asked what the people at his meetings thought about the problem, he admitted he never talked about it at meetings, too ashamed. Spends his time a meetings saying "Thank God for this program, it's saved my life," and hiding his despair. Well, as they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

I too want my A to get sober however in recent weeks he has acknowledged that there are childhood issues.  I think I know what they are; he refuses to deal with them effectively and says he will deal with them as he always has, which means drinking and using.  I am scared of what will happen if he does get sober, he has had two crying breakdowns in the past weeks, telling me that I don't have any idea of the demons he has inside.  It is like he wants to tell me but just can't.  I have given him resources but it is up to him.  I have to remind myself that they are his issues; I will support him if he needs my support but I can't carry the load of it for him.

I hope knowing there are more of us with similar situations out there helps in some small way.

Hugs Mary

 

Update:

Got off the phone little while ago with A.  He spoke with counsellor at outpatient program.  Counsellor suggested maybe A and I should separate for awhile.  A told him about my problems with my son (not living with me now because he was abusive and out of control though he is still nearby and irritates my A) and counsellor said I have alot of issues of my own.  Seems A is just trying to throw everyone off about what his real issues are and blaming me and my son for his problems.  He said he needs more alone time.  Huh - he doesn't work so he has alone time everyday all day and when he went to AA meetings he went out almost every night.  I never discouraged him.  Just because I like to spend weekend time with him now I am the bad guy.  We have very little disposable income so I would like to spend it on some fun stuff for us to do together rather than going off on my own.  Counsellor has some nerve suggesting we separate when he doesn't even know me and knows very about my A as well.  Rough isn't the word.  I was there to save his life several times (literally) and now all of a sudden I am just baggage.

We are going to talk when I get home tonight.  Have a mind just to call it quits and move on.  Enough is enough.

 

 

((((lebe)))

what a long and dark road you are on.

 

We are with you.

You are in my prayers

Dear Lebe,

You're post is entitled "A in misery"

Lebe, you know deep down that this is not yours to deal with - its up to him!!!

Try not to let what he said to the counsellor affect you - these A's seem to think they can say what they like and get away with it - You know the truth and you do NOT have to take the blame!! I know, believe me, that what they say can be so hurtful but when you think clearly, you know that its not true. Lebe, you have done all you can and I understand what you mean when you say the outcome will affect you. I have learned ,in alanon, it needn't - you have choices - now it's up to him.

 you are in my thoughts, dear friend,

garom

Wed. July27

Dear Lebe,

If his councilor to him you 2 should seperate then just what did hunny say to councilor to think that???

This is a very friggin rough road we are all on. I am tring to stay focused on me but it doesn't alwasy work and I get frusterated & angry.

I am reading " Adult Children of Alcoholics - How Your Parents Drinking Affected You"  Powerful stuff - helps me understand that I am not to blame.  I was sexually abused and hate my parents for letting it happen.  This book is really helping me also to understand that I am a product of my environment - I am the way I am largely because of the way I was raised.  It takes some of the pressure of me to realize " I am not Crazy ".

Take care of yourself & Pray

Yours in Recovery

Kathy570

Hello Lebe. will be intersting to see how hubby wil llive on his own since hs is not working, doncha think? Where will he find his money for booze?  Oh well , these councelors kill me making life altering decissions for other people. can't do anything about them either , a separation just might be good for both of you. It will give u more time to devote to thisi program and focus on your own needs for a change.

Follow your heart lebe and know that u are not the problem here , u are n ot the reason he drinks. We simply arent that powerful . good luck Louise

Hello lebe,

My heart goes out to you. (((((((((Lebe)))))))) My husband went to a counselor once that on the second visit told him he had decided to get a divorce. She had never met me! It about ruined our marriage. I too have had alot of therapy for sexual abuse and for me it was a hard thing to deal with. I had flashbacks, panic attacks etc. Maybe that is what the counselor is wanting, for him to deal with that issue and that is an issue a person needs to deal with on their own. Trust your instincts and I did like what abbyal just wrote too. I wish I could make it all go away for you lebe. Things have been so rough for you. Keep on posting and keep on working your program. your friend in recovery, cdb