this is my first time posting here, and honestly I don't know where to start. I have been married to my A for 3 years and with him for 5. He has been in and out of recovery for the last three (for drugs and alcohol)and I just recently found out that he relapsed and has been smoking pot for the past 6 months after what I thought was 18 months of recovery. I was devastated to say the very least, of course, foolishly I thought we would live happily ever after now that he was sober. I saw it coming, saw him going to less and less meetings, asked him point blank if he was using (of course, he lied) and just recently he confessed. In the past nine months we have been dealt alot of devastating blows. In Nov. he tested positive for a gene called Huntington's disease, a disease that his father died of, it is a neurological degenerative disorder that leads to motor, cognitive and psychiatric disturbances. Because each child of a person with this disease has a 50% of inheriting the disease, having children is not an option (not tht I would bring kids into this now)....another loss. Recently, our 10 year old dog had to be put down and the "stress" of it led him to tell me about the use. I don't feel that he told me b/c he wants to stay clean, but to relieve himself of the guilt. I am SO TIRED, I have way too much on my plate and I feel so desensitized by it all. I have been lied to, cheated on, manipulated and I can't do anymore. I have not been sleeping well ( I am posting at 4:30 am) and we are not speaking. He claims that he doesn't "want" to go down that road again, he knows how quickly he will spiral down, but is doing nothing to work his program. I feel that I need some support for me right now, I can't worry about him. I'm trying to detach, and think I am to some degree, whcih leaves me sad, because I feel nothing. I can't face the prospect of living with THIS disease and another. I am so resentful. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Carol said
Jul 27, 2005
I know exactually how you feel. I was married to the A for almost 5 years and have been together for almost 10. He had been in and out of the program but always goes back to smoking pot then drinking. Same thing hiding, ect. I too was so hurt, and tired because I really wanted it to work. He is a wonderful person, but I cannot live his unexceptable behavior. I did divorce him, it took me 3 years to make that decession, lots of meetings and lots of working on me. I thought if I were to work my program and mind my own business I should be able to live with his using and drinking. I decided I could not live with his unexceptable behavior, and verbal abuse. It was a VERY hard decession for me. I ask my sponser how do I divorce someone that I love very much. Her answer was this. Do you believe it is the best thing for oy today? My answer was yes. She informed me it did not have to be forever. I started seeing him again after awhile and he moved back home. Same thing all over again. Even after awhile in this program I was focusing on him and what he was and was not doing and not focusing on me. I was once again waiting on him to make me happy instead of looking for happiness within me, which I had found once. When I was apart from him, I really worked on me and my part. I found happiness within me even without him I was happy. It might not have been the way I wanted it, but I was happy. On days I was lonely I did thing with my Alanon friends. I never had to be alone if I did not want to. Last week I ask him to leave once again as his addictions are spiraling again. I am not going back down with him. I can only save one person and that is ME. I stepped up my meetings, been talking to my sponser daily, I have been journaling and yesterday I found these boards. I have LOTS of talks with my HP and ask him to help me. My A ask to come back again last night. Usually I would say ok. Today I know nothing has changed so I was able with my HP able to say no to him. I know it was the right thing to do. It was sad but yet felt great. I learned not to hate him, and hate the desease. I know for me going to lots of meetings, talking to my HP a lot, talking it out with my sponser, journaling, and taking a look at me and my needs gave me the answers and strength I needed. Keep coming back and Good Luck
-- Edited by Carol at 06:43, 2005-07-27
-- Edited by Carol at 06:45, 2005-07-27
ditto said
Jul 27, 2005
I don't know what the answer is either. I am new to this too. I dated my A for a year and have been married to him for 7 months. I think it was about 4 months ago that I discovered all the empty gin bottles. He had been hiding his drinking from me. But, his unacceptable behavior related to his disease was very in evidence. I had mentioned to him that I was going to go to an Al-anon meeting and he became very angry about it. So, I put off going. However, now I am at a point that I feel it would be very beneficial for me to attend. I am going to a meeting tonight and I will use his tactics and lie about where I will be.
Last night I was in an al-anon room and a person said that in the beginning she had questioned why she should be the one to make the changes, why she should be the one to seek help, why she should have to deal with any of this when it was "his" problem and not hers. She continued by saying that when she looked at the relationship objectively, she saw that there was some good in it too, it was not an "all-bad" situation.
That gave me pause. I have been asking these same questions and wondering why I am not strong enough just to walk away from it. I'm hoping that with the help of Al-anon I will eventually get that strength. In the meantime, I also realize things are not entirely bad and that I have been given something important through this marriage.
My suggestion would be that you try Al-anon. Having never been myself, I really can't vouch for it yet. But I've read enough peoples' posts to believe it is the place to start.
Sending best wishes.
Jeannie said
Jul 27, 2005
Hi Kim and welcome,
I hear the sadness and frustration in your post. It is so hard to love someone and not have the things they do affect us. It is so hard not to let the drinking or not drinking change the way we look at life.
I have worked my program for the last 10 years on and off and my husband has been an active A for most of our marriage. When he is sober he is a warm and wonderful man, but when he is drinking he is a complete creature.
Alanon has helped me keep going, It has not saved or ruined my marriage, but it has saved me. It has taught me that I am not to blame, and helped me to realize that I am not crazy. I have found inner strength that I never could have imagined and I haved learned how to love the man and hate the disease. Don't get me wrong, I do not condone his drinking, nor do I accept his lies or justify his behavior. In fact I hold him completely accountable, and no longer enable him in any way. Right now he is sober, and for now it is good, but what happens next is up to him and his HP, not me.
Give Alanon a try, it is for you, not him, it can give you the tools you need to gain your own strength and make the decisions that are best for you.
Love Jeannie
Kim said
Jul 27, 2005
Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I had gone to Alanon a while back, and stopped going, why I can't tell you. Probably because I, like many others, continued to feel that this was his problem, which I know it is not only his. It is mine as well. I am trying to start applying those principles again and start detaching, and posting here was my first step in reaching out to the Alanon community again. I have to surrender, I have no control and sometimes it is hard to fight the urge to try to control it. It's weird though, I feel as if I have evolved somewhat this time. I feel like I'm fighting for ME this time, not US, not HIM. I don't allow his behavior and manipulations to make me feel badly about myself, I know I am a good person, i know that I will be OK without him (threatneing to leave has always been a tactic for him when backed in a corner). I am just sad. Sad for him. Sad that he will choose to throw away his life in the face of such a horrible disease (the Huntington's, not addiction). But if that's his choice, it's his. But I am also sometimes mad at myself. I knew he was an addict going in. I tried to control it in the beginning giving him the ultimatum that unless sober I wouldn't marry him. He stayed sober for 6 months beofre our marriage and had his first drink at my wedding. I rationalized it, tried to work through it and found myself right back where I started. (insanity, yes). I feel like I have chosen this and why? Did I not think enough about myself? Why was I willing to compromise myself and my integrity for someone who didn't have any? I am now facing a lifetime of giving up my right to children (which I have always wanted) and caring for a man that could be sick with another dibilitating disease for the next 20 odd years. For what? For this to happen? Like I said in my previous post, I'm tired. I am going to try and get to a meeting this week. Thank you all again.
cdb said
Jul 28, 2005
Hello Kim,
I will be thinking of you. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this but just know that you are not alone. People truly understand. Please keep us updated on how the meeting goes for you. We do have online meeitngs here twice a day too. I hope to be hearing from you again soon. Your friend in recovery, cdb :)
Kim said
Jul 28, 2005
Well, I am proud of myself. Last night, my A went to his meeting and I relaxed, read my book and tried to get to bed early. I had fallen asleep (thank God, I haven't been sleeping well at all) when my A came in from his meeting where he had finally confessed to his sponsor (something that I had questioned him about and he had avoided for the past two weeks). He woke me up to tell me. Fine. Great. I always feel like he wants some sort of "treat" for doing the right thing. Just sitting there like a puppy looking for absolution. I asked very little, if anything. He went on to say that his sponsor had said everything I have said, like he needs to work his program in order to stay sober and happy...and he admitted that this was hard to hear from me but easier to hear from him. I again said very little. Just that I need to work on me and he needs to work on him. And i went to sleep. I slept the sleep of angels and woke up refreshed this morning.
Hello.
this is my first time posting here, and honestly I don't know where to start. I have been married to my A for 3 years and with him for 5. He has been in and out of recovery for the last three (for drugs and alcohol)and I just recently found out that he relapsed and has been smoking pot for the past 6 months after what I thought was 18 months of recovery. I was devastated to say the very least, of course, foolishly I thought we would live happily ever after now that he was sober. I saw it coming, saw him going to less and less meetings, asked him point blank if he was using (of course, he lied) and just recently he confessed. In the past nine months we have been dealt alot of devastating blows. In Nov. he tested positive for a gene called Huntington's disease, a disease that his father died of, it is a neurological degenerative disorder that leads to motor, cognitive and psychiatric disturbances. Because each child of a person with this disease has a 50% of inheriting the disease, having children is not an option (not tht I would bring kids into this now)....another loss. Recently, our 10 year old dog had to be put down and the "stress" of it led him to tell me about the use. I don't feel that he told me b/c he wants to stay clean, but to relieve himself of the guilt. I am SO TIRED, I have way too much on my plate and I feel so desensitized by it all. I have been lied to, cheated on, manipulated and I can't do anymore. I have not been sleeping well ( I am posting at 4:30 am) and we are not speaking. He claims that he doesn't "want" to go down that road again, he knows how quickly he will spiral down, but is doing nothing to work his program. I feel that I need some support for me right now, I can't worry about him. I'm trying to detach, and think I am to some degree, whcih leaves me sad, because I feel nothing. I can't face the prospect of living with THIS disease and another. I am so resentful. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
-- Edited by Carol at 06:43, 2005-07-27
-- Edited by Carol at 06:45, 2005-07-27
I don't know what the answer is either. I am new to this too. I dated my A for a year and have been married to him for 7 months. I think it was about 4 months ago that I discovered all the empty gin bottles. He had been hiding his drinking from me. But, his unacceptable behavior related to his disease was very in evidence. I had mentioned to him that I was going to go to an Al-anon meeting and he became very angry about it. So, I put off going. However, now I am at a point that I feel it would be very beneficial for me to attend. I am going to a meeting tonight and I will use his tactics and lie about where I will be.
Last night I was in an al-anon room and a person said that in the beginning she had questioned why she should be the one to make the changes, why she should be the one to seek help, why she should have to deal with any of this when it was "his" problem and not hers. She continued by saying that when she looked at the relationship objectively, she saw that there was some good in it too, it was not an "all-bad" situation.
That gave me pause. I have been asking these same questions and wondering why I am not strong enough just to walk away from it. I'm hoping that with the help of Al-anon I will eventually get that strength. In the meantime, I also realize things are not entirely bad and that I have been given something important through this marriage.
My suggestion would be that you try Al-anon. Having never been myself, I really can't vouch for it yet. But I've read enough peoples' posts to believe it is the place to start.
Sending best wishes.
Hi Kim and welcome,
I hear the sadness and frustration in your post. It is so hard to love someone and not have the things they do affect us. It is so hard not to let the drinking or not drinking change the way we look at life.
I have worked my program for the last 10 years on and off and my husband has been an active A for most of our marriage. When he is sober he is a warm and wonderful man, but when he is drinking he is a complete creature.
Alanon has helped me keep going, It has not saved or ruined my marriage, but it has saved me. It has taught me that I am not to blame, and helped me to realize that I am not crazy. I have found inner strength that I never could have imagined and I haved learned how to love the man and hate the disease. Don't get me wrong, I do not condone his drinking, nor do I accept his lies or justify his behavior. In fact I hold him completely accountable, and no longer enable him in any way. Right now he is sober, and for now it is good, but what happens next is up to him and his HP, not me.
Give Alanon a try, it is for you, not him, it can give you the tools you need to gain your own strength and make the decisions that are best for you.
Love Jeannie
Hello Kim,
I will be thinking of you. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this but just know that you are not alone. People truly understand. Please keep us updated on how the meeting goes for you. We do have online meeitngs here twice a day too. I hope to be hearing from you again soon. Your friend in recovery, cdb :)