I am the wife of an A. He has stopped drinking and was going to AA and counseling. Then he stopped making the meetings and now he has stopped counseling. The counselor (according to husband) said he didn't need to come any more. My trouble is that his solution is to not get together with our friends anymore. Our friends are supportive of his problem but he just wants to hang out with me. He asked if I was bored with him. I told him no but that I enjoyed our get togethers with friends and miss that. I would be happy to make some new friends that don't drink but he is not motivated. He never got a sponser when he was going to meetings and now I feel like I am being isolated at his choice. I can get together with my friends without him. He doesn't object but I didn't marry him only to go out on my own. I have talked with him but nothing has been resolved. This is depressing.

I was married to a manic depressive that abused drugs.  He did the same thing to me, isolated me from my friends or ridiculed my interests, so after a year went by, I had lost my network of friends & my family moved out of state shortly after I was married.  On my days off, he would often ditch work, so I couldn't even have a phone call in private.  (He never ever allowed me to go anywhere without him).

After 2 years of marriage, I was suicidal daily & dreaded going home to listen to him yealling & screaming at me all night.

After 4 yrs & 2 months of marriage, I spontaneously ran away from him while on vacation.  I had 3 bikinis & my wedding rings.  He kept everything I ever owned ~ but I got my life back. (that was six years ago)

-kitty

Hi Gama, please understand that you are not responsible for keeping your husb sober, thats his job. He is still fairly new to recovery and  still finding his feet.  AA may be getting a little uncomfortable for him now and without a sponsor it's pretty hard to get thru this alone. but that is not your problem its his, so leave it with h im. 

You don't say if you are attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself , if not i hope u consider going now drunk or sober living with an A is just too much to handle alone. You have a right to a life of your own with your own friends , don't stop now.  Just remember your not t he reason he drank in the first place and its not your job to keep him sober.  Perhaps if he sees u attending meetings for yourself  he will return to AA and if not its a win win situation for you. you will have your own recovery program and can detach with  love while he finds his way .  good luck 

Louise

Hi gam, Do you attend Alanon meetings? If not, I'm sure you would find resolve there :) Many times when A's don't get treatment or follow through, they are what is called a 'dry drunk". They still haven't worked through what made them drink in the first place, therefore still having behaviors out of the norm. The isolation and guilt provoking questions are a form of control and you will learn how to deal with that, have your own boundaries and live life with serenity in focus. My husband is an active alcoholic, but I too isolated myself because I didn't want to do everything alone. I wanted us to be partners. I had to change my perspective and learn that going out with friends was still better then sitting home on the pitty pot. If my A chooses not to participate in life, so be it. He's not taking me there too. My suggestion.. Find a meeting..come in to the chat here on the site...and grow with us :) Set yourself free!!! Christy (Cjo)

Thank you for your advice. I do have a list of the Alanon meetings and should be able to attend on Thursdays. I will work on my recovery and not his. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage other than the social thing. I know with time it could improve and want to give him time. It's a second marriage for both of us. My first marriage was to a sex addict and I (through counselling) realized that I had to get out and did. I lived single for over 16 yrs before getting remarried and then was disappointed when I realized I had ignored the signs of his alcoholism. I know in my head what I need to do but need some encouragement once in a while. Thanks for yours and I will get to those meetings!

((((Atta Girl, Gam)))) Keep coming back so we can watch you grow :) Christy

-- Edited by Christy at 16:15, 2005-07-26