Last night I accidentally stumbled across a little brown bag. (the kind the liquor stores use) I glanced around for the empty bottle and found none so i looked out on  t he patio in the gutter and found 3 empty bottles. (there may be more)  I was really disappointed. I could not even get to sleep

I went to chatroom and there were 17 names showing. thanks to the 4 people who listened and helped me calm down. i appreciated you 4 shring your time with me.  It really appears rude to a newcomer who enteres chat and 13 people are not even talking..like they are whispering behind my back. Hurting people need input. They dont need people off having privatte conversations.

I am more disappointed in my spouse. I had a back to work meeting yesterday so this is how he coped with his time home alone. I start back full time in a few weeks. I am sure if he's doing it now, he will continue. 

I KNOW that I am powerless over his drinking. i KNOW I cant change if he decided to drink or not. I can only change how I react to it.  i KNOW he has a disease an d it's not my fault and I cant change it. I'm jsut very sad and disappointed that he knows  what he needs to do and yet chooses to buy a bottle jsut because I ahve to work

perhaps readers are not in private chat and will reply to my message

Am i the only one that feels like it's RUDE for so many people to PC ?  Maybe it's jsut my perception. to me it's like somebody went behind a closed door to talk about me or to tell secrets. If they ahve a problem, let the rest of us help out. If somebody else hurting had been there, I might have been able to help out and in turn forget about my OWN problems. Does that make sense?

Lnd

Hi Lnd and welcome to this board. I do not go into the chat room or to the online meetings, so I cannot comment on the reception you received there. I do, however understand your disappointment at finding liquor and knowing your husband is drinking. God, I've been there...hunting for the evidence...driving myself crazy. Sometimes all the words and slogans in the world are not enough to dispel the emotions; I understand that. I will keep you in my prayers and positive thoughts. Meanwhile, come back here often. I think you will find the people who frequent this board to be kind, understanding, and genuine. With great caring, Diva

hi afg, Glad you made it over here. I spoke to you in chat and maybe can explain a bit. There are meany levels of recovery in the chatroom. Some people can barely drag themselves in there, literally beaten and bruised, very afraid. One person with experience may pick up on this new persons fear an ask if they would like to talk to them one on one. For some, it is very difficult to go in to a room of strangers and spill their life. Some are so embarrassed that their lives have come to this and others are just plain terrified of being found out by their A. Not everyone there is at a level to help another person, some are in severe crisis. You had 4 people's attention. What would more do that 4 couldn't? To think the whole room should stop and pay attention is a bit controlling and selfish, don't you think? Should they have stopped the private messaging with a person that may have just been beaten by their spouse because you found bottles in the gutter? I don't mean to hurt your feelings, just help you to understand... and this scenerio is the only way I know how. The chat is not necessarily a a crisis room, it is somewhere for all of us to go where there is understanding. If someone is available to help you to work through something, that's a plus it should not be an expectation..and as you said, you found 4 people willing to listen. I hope you come back again.. Your friend in recovery Christy (Cjo)

I totaly relate to you.  Everytime my A goes back out I feel the disappointment.  I try to remember that he has to be diapointed in himself, but it is hard because i want it to be different between us.  I have to remember I can only change me and how I react to it.  I have to do what is best for me and pray to my HP, go to meeting, talk to my sponser, keep talking about it, and take care of myself.  Good Luck

Thanks Christy for putting into words something I more or less wanted to say but didn't quite know how.  It explained it quite well.  Sometimes we may be listening but aren't always typing in the chatroom.  I do that a lot of the time.

Tues. July 26

Dear Afglin,

 I can so relate on both topics.  I too am fairly new to this board.  I had a terrible f2f meeting 2 weeks ago so I went to the chat room.  I was sooooooooo intimidated because they were all having talks & typing so darn fast.  I really needed someone to talk to but felt that I could get a word in edge wise.  So I signed off.  I felt even worse.

Be glad & thankful that 4 wonderful people were there for you.  I stayed of line for days but then realized I was only hurting myself and denying another person to help me or give another hope. 

 There will always be people that are in their stuff and thats OK too.  Most all the people on here are great people, willing to help us by sharing their own experiances, strenght & hopes, very willing to listen and just be there.  There will also be people that are not in position to help at that time.

Don't give up !!!!!!  This is a fantastic place to vent.  Be patient, listen & learn.  I know when I came on and even into AA (recovering A alnost 4 years), I want answers & Fixes NOW!!!  .  I have been with my A for 25 years and he is still very active & in denial (atleast yours is trying) and drank myself for 35 years ( am 48 now).  That is a long time and I can Not expect things to change over night - as much as I would like that.

Please Keep Coming Back, post, listen & really important for me is to READ - everything I can both here & from the 12 step programs I need.  Even though I am sober, I find that reading the AA  Big Book, helps me understand my A hubby a little better.  Some people find going to open AA meetings helps them understand a little better too.

Take what you need & leave the rest.  Hope this helps.

Yours in Recovery

Kathy570

Afglin,

Try to understand that there is often a LOT of things going on in chat that you have no idea about.

There is one person on chat who is often extremely rude, hurtful, and downright nasty to me.  This person is very controlling and I think has some SERIOUS issues.  When I try to talk about my situation, this person often challenges me, saying I must "like it" and "enjoy drama" and "just like to see my words in print" when I type out my crisis' since I don't leave my husband...

I have a sick daughter who needs frequent and expensive medical care.  My job has no medical beneifts.  Even with my husband excellent isnurance the copays for expensive treatment at the Cleveland Clinic for her is outrageous.

Yet, this individual has chosen to judge me.  This person says that they are an alcoholic and it seems they have decided to be the "spokesperson" for the alcoholics in chat.  This person asked me if my husband knew that I was talking about our problems on the chat room.  Of course he does NOT, I have to hide it.  This person in chat then told me that if they were my husband and found out that I was spilling our personal busienss on the chat room that they would like to throw my computer out of the window.  Trying to intimidate me...make me think the chatroom is not safe.  This person is angry because I dare to offer a differing opinion on some things.  Minor things.  One person said that their alcoholic could not handle money.  Then I said that perhaps that is another trait of alcoholics, that they don't handle money well.  This person jumped down my throat, saying that they handled money fine and I did not know what I was talking about as they have known MANY more alcoholics than I did.  I said OK, that is your experience, but mine is different, I STILL think that alcoholics can't handle money well.  Then it was like he declared war on me since I did not cow to him and proclaim his superior intellect.  He treats me EXACTLY like my "A" husband treats me...

I was VERY careful, to keep anonimity, not use real names...

Other people noticed in chat how I was being talked to and treated and PM'd me privately to offer support and a listening ear, FINALLY let me get it out and get support.  I even left chat for a long time and some caring people I had gotten to know suggested that I log on to chat, and if I see his name then I could PM them if I needed to talk and so have a SAFE place to get support.

So, there is a lot going on that you would never dream about.  I know it is easy to slip into paranoia sometimes when things are going badly.  But remember, that people are people, we al imperfect, but we care and are trying to help.

I agree that you are very fortunate that you found 4 caring people to help you.

Isabela

I forgot to address the issue of finding the bottles...as if my posts are not already long enough

While I am at work my "A" husband drinks the most, it is a disgrace.  He hides the bottles too.  I used to wait until he was knocked out and look for them.  I knew all of his hiding places.

Then I got some counseling from an alanon trained therapist and learned to STOP.  It is none of my business what he does while I am at work.  It is none of my business what he does when I am NOT at work either.

A few weeks ago I came home from work to find my husband passed out drunk laying on the floor with scores of bottles around him.  That was a truly shocking sight, just flat on his face drunk with drool coming out of his mouth in front of our    daughter, with so many bottles around him that it looked like a bar had overturned.  He had gotten drunk that morning as soon as he had gotten up then rode his bike to get more and drank a TON more while I was at work (we only have one car), he is fortunate he even woke up at all.  He had gotten so drunk so fast that he had not made it to hide the bottles.  I was tempted to count them and add up the ounces like I usually did...but I am happy that I did not.   I just picked up my daughter and we went to the library and read magazines.  SO MUCH more fun than counting and looking for bottles!

We both love to read and spend all day their until it closed, by the time we got home he had woken up just enough to hide the bottles and make it back onto the sofa before he passed out again.  I was even able to laugh about it, him thinking that he had fooled me!  HA!  A little sad though, to see him lapse into so much "kid" thinking. 

Isabela

((((Lnd))))

I am so sorry you had a rough night. No matter how much we work our program it's almost impossible not to be disappointed when they drink. Starting back to work full time is a big thing that you should be able to focus on with out having the distrction of what the A is doing. Not always easy, is it?

I don't go in the chat room myself, I don't have any particular reason why I don't, I just don't. I can't really speak to what went on the night your refering to but I do understand how you feel. There have been times I have looked for help in different chat rooms over the years and felt as if no one cared. It left me feeling more alone then ever.

After the crises of the day passed and I had some time to review it all, each time I realized that maybe it was me and not them. I was just so wrapped up in how I was feeling with all my doubts, fears, insecurities and anger, that I was sure they were all just brushing me off. I don't know about you but I have always had a problem with not feeling worthy of friendship. The world (except for the last few years) has always seemed clichie to me. School, work, neighbors, it was all hard for me.

I hope you come back. These are all really good people here and there is always someone here that will listen to rage, crying, screaming, laughing, dreaming, wondering, and day to day venting.

Rant away, we're here.

Agatha 

Hello afgLIN and all,

I am one of the people that took the time to talk to you. I was more than willing to listen and I hope all is going well with you today. I am also probably one of the fastest typing ones in the room although I actually do slow down :)  I have been a member here in this room for over a year now. I have had so much support and compassion from people. I have also had my share of problems. The internet world is an amazing thing with pros and cons.  I guess if people whisper then that is their issue and not mine. I decided that if they choose to watch what I say to people and comment with each other than I am there for me and others and I am doing the best I can and my HP and I both know that. We also have to learn to speak up and ask for help. That is what I have found. If I do not get the support I need in the chatroom then I come to the message board. I have also in the past seen 4 or more people talking to someone at one time and it made them feel very overwhelmed. Some members will let others talk so that a person does not feel overwhelmed with so much information coming to them. The private message rooms are so valuable. I remember too how I went into  pm room and someone said: cdb,,,no gossiping! Well, that was not very appropriate either to point fingers at me like that. How dare they accuse me of something that maybe they do. PM rooms are used for members to get one on one help that cannot discuss issues in the room for personal reasons. The PM room is used for members to work their steps with their sponsors or to vent out anger that would not be appropriate for the main room. The PM room is also use to say a quick hi or how are you to someone who may only come to the meetings so they know you care about them and are glad to see them. Many of us follow several conversations at once too like me. I myself, sit at my computer and do not look at anything else around my house but the computer screen. One time I asked someone why the others were not helping me talk to a newcomer and left me to myself. They explained that they thought I was doing a good job myself. I too have left the room when so many names were there and no one was talking. I decided it is best to choose my battles and not take it personally. I do see so many times when someone will say I need help and the entire room will come to a stand still and listen too. I am sorry you felt that way afgLIN. Your feelings are your feelings and I do understand and have been where you are. I remember when I was new a person in the meeting said for me to stay after the meeting and someone would talk to me. Well, after the meeting not one person acknowledged I was there. Since that time I have made a committment to make sure I try to follow up on those people or to say hi or give hugs to all the names under the list. Believe me that does take energy at times too when I am suffering my own hell here at home but it makes me feel better. Maybe you can hang around and be one of those people too that makes sure all people feel welcome and that they are not feeling like the way you were.  ((((((((((LIN))))))) Hope to see you soon. cdb :)

-- Edited by cdb at 15:52, 2005-07-26

Just want to say that I seldom go to chat because I find it too confusing, too many people talking all at once, and too many conversations going on. So, for me, the boards are perfect. It helps me to understand what I am truly feeling while I type it out, and I can go back and read old posts, looking for something to ground me, while waiting for a response. Not everything suits all people. Also, we may think we know why someone is doing something, only to find that we are wrong. Who knows, maybe there are people here who think that I am "snotty" because I don't ever come to chat!

Thanks to all who replied..especially cdb and cjo. I really appreciated you 2 talking to me. I did try the suggestion  of connecting to my HP thru prayer. It helped a litttle.  I was very proud of myself today. I never mentioned the sack or rthe bottles. he KNOWs i KNOW. He took out the trash can that I put them in. But he never offered any words about it and I never brought it up. I am very proud of myself for that one.

And Christy...I am glad you pointed out to me that perhsap i was being selfish wanting more than 4 people to lsiten. You could be right. I think it was actually more of the fact i forget about MY probelmes when i am helping others. And if those who needed help were not talking to the whole room, then all I could do was listen to myself.  I'm better today. And i thank you all for hte replies.

isabella./..I'm so proud of you for taking your daughter tot he library. Taht is an excellent way to detach when you come home to such a scene. 

 

agatha...I'm sorry you were overwhelmed like that. Perhaps I was a bit overwhelmed in a different way. I do understand. Taht's really sad that aperson attacked you like that over your confidential shares. Could it be this person is like a "troll"? Jsut lurking and wanting to stir up trouble? not actualy in recovery at all??? Of o ever see your name in chat i will be happy to talk to you and will not judge you for what you say, I promise.

Thanks again for all of the great replies. it makes me feel better to know I have a safe place to vent. I dont get in a spot like this very often. (been in alanon almost 13 years) But when I do, it takes me a little bit to calm down. I appreciate the help in chat and on these baords.

 

{{{{hugs}}}}

LIN

Hello afgLIN,

Congratulations on not commenting on the bottles :) I wonder if the A feels worse than any of us can imagine. I know my daughter does when she slips and is her own worst enemy. Keep connecting with HP whenever you can. It helps me because I find with all the practice of doing it that I can now go into auto-pilot when things get rough. I am so glad you are feeling better today. One day at a time is sure a survival skill for me. Your friend in recovery, cdb :)

Hi........ I don't go to the chat room either.  The only times I have been in there I could not get a word in , just like you.  I felt that everyone in there already knew one another and I didn't "fit" somehow. 

About finding the empty bottles...one time I was having trouble with the toilet in my apt.  I finally took the top off the tank and there were 4 beers floating around in the cold water in the tank.  I threw them out.  I "paid" for it later...  Sometimes I just did NOT need to know.

I am still paying for his mistakes as far as the kids go.  Sometimes I feel like it never ended  and it has been over for us for 15 yrs.  Hang in there if that's what you really want.